Focus on your relationship and Not your battle with porn.

rider654321

Active Member
I just wrote this advice into my own journal , but felt it might be worth saharing as a success story and advice too. This advice is really only suitable for married guy's or guy's in relationships with a SO.

Last night was another wonderfully successful congress with Mrs Rider. No signs of ED and everything functioning as it should. I am truly amazed at how things have turned around for me since finding YBOP and Reboot Nation.

I was a guy who had suffered through years of cronic ED and the associated performance anxiety that goes with it. I intuitively knew that my porn use was the problem, but I didn't understand the brain part of it until I came here and got educated!

I had tried quitting so many times and failed each time feeling defeated and useless. I can't express how strong an overwhelming sense of hopelessness I felt each time I failed. There were times where I had seriously thought the only way I could possibly escape this was to end my own life. I seriously hated who I was and I hated that I couldn't stop.

Today I am amazed at how quickly I have turned all that around. Thanks to the information I found on here and on YBOP as well as information other kind people shared with me I have managed to stay away from porn easily.

I truly believe the most important aspect of my success was that I put my focus on restoring and improving the intimacy in my relationship with my wife. I focused on learning ways to build intimacy in non sexual ways and then practiced those techniques and watched our relationship blossom.

Building intimacy and honouring my wife became the focus of my reboot. You see, I wasn't just giving up porn anymore, so my mind wasn't focused on things like how strong the urge was or how I as going to beat it. I was working toward something much deeper and more rewarding. My fight was no longer about giving up porn.

The interesting part was that because I wasn't in a fight with porn I didn't have very many urges to deal with. I'd made the realization early in my reboot that "porn was not an option" and I have stuck with it. Sure I had thoughts and urges for the first few weeks, but at that time I was also seeing the benefits beginning to show in my relationship with Mrs Rider from of the non sexual bonding techniques we were sharing. That encouraged me to stay focused on improving our relationship and thus I was not focused so much on beating the porn.

As I said before the key for me was that I was no longer in a battle with porn, I took my focus and put it to better use elsewhere.

The fun part about the non sexual bonding techniques is that they inevitably help build desire for your partner, not that I ever lacked desire for my wife, it's just that my desire couldn't always translate into an erection because of the way porn had fucked up my brain.

Three weeks in and things were really beginning to noticably change. My body was responding far more normally to intimacy, though we had been intimate several times earlier on in the reboot and had success there too, but not without some hit and miss. By three weeks we were really enjoying our intimate times together and it has only continued to get better since.

So my advice to you married guys and guy's with a SO, is to think about making the focus of your reboot about improving the intimacy within your relationship. Don't make it about fighting porn, fighting urges or getting better erections. Look at focusing on the quality of the intimacy within your relationship and just trust the rest to nature.
 
Thank you for sharing this! As for a guy with 30 days without PMO and having a girlfriend this was a really helpful story for me !:) Good luck in the future !
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
So glad to hear of your progress.

For other readers, this is a good article about bonding behaviors: http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love

And this article has lots of men's self reports about relationship improvements after giving up porn: http://yourbrainonporn.com/guys-who-gave-porn-sex-and-romance.
 

luvlost

Member
rider654321 your strength is an encouragement to all. Much happiness in rediscovering your relationship, thats what its all about!
 

Therewolf

Member
Hi Rider,

Thank you very much for sharing. 

I think your story also applies to guys, like myself, who are currently single.

One way I stay focused is to have a vision of how I want to build a successful, intimate relationship with my future SO or SOs.  I keep in mind what I want and that PMO makes those things impossible.  So, even though I currently don't have a partner, it's the fact that I am looking forward to my next partner that is keeping me centered.

I'm still new at this, but like yourself, have made the decision to give up porn for good.  I've tried to go without and failed before (long before I found this site and YBOP).  I think that making this decision has been instrumental in my ability to go these last 7 days without much apparent effort on my part.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story and I wish you much luck for your future.
 

CarpeDiem78

Member
Yes, man! I hear you. That's been my story too - the more I've focused on re-building my relationship with and my focus on my wife, the easier it's been to just let this old past go. Finally.

Great work, man. Thanks for the story and the encouragement. Keep it up!

We owe it to our wives and to our promises we made to them.
 
Thank you so much for this!  It's my story almost to a T.  Only Day 1 for me, but I hope some day soon to give the same gift to Mrs Accountable.
 

Kamikaze

Member
Thanks for the inspiring post..I can relate to it somehow..Although I am still virgin and not married, but now I am on my first attempt of rebooting (I never knew Porn was a problem before)..and I think it is going very solid, no urges, not even thinking about porn...and all that is because of a girl that I really like and we tried once but it didn't work (that's when I realized there is a problem)..luckily she is living abroad, and next time we meet it will be almost 90 days since I started my reboot...so something like that could be a great motivation for rebooting, instead of focusing on fighting porn itself..as you said, it is much deeper! :)
 
As a wife, I was drawn to this post, and it brings me much hope. I congratulate you on choosing to switch your focus and in choosing your relationship to focus on, I believe you do more than just help yourself look away from the porn...

When you look inwards to the relationship and at your woman, you are probably looking at a person who feels alone, scared and neglected. Choosing your relationship and your woman as something to rebuild can also rebuild her confidence and help her heal. She will also needs your help in recovering from this, as you may need her support. It is a cross both must carry.

I think it's noble of you and I love this post so much I think I might cry.

Well done, sir, well done.
 

snake wrangler

New Member
Nice sucess story. Im on day 8 of my reboot. So far so good. I havent had any urges yet, thank G-d. I can relate to your story. Sounds like my self some what.

Just wish the days would pass by. I want to have sex with my wife.
 
Great post bro! I can relate...it's good to have a positive mindstate throughout the process! Focusing on your SO will help you bring back the attraction. I guess that's the rewiring aspect of things. I'm new to this. On day 11. But noticed some physical response today! For the first time in ages...there is light at the end of the tunnel for ALL of us if we just stay the course! Be strong brothers and great post!
 

dumbdumb

Member
Thanks for the post, it makes me feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  how long did it take for your wives and girlfriends to start trusting you again, and for the anger to fade?  I just revealed my addiction to porn, which includes webcams, to my wife a few days ago.  Her initial response was one of intense anger, especially about the webcam part.  But despite being really angry she said, "I'm not going to give up on you, I love you, but I'm really angry right now.  It's going to take a lot for me to feel like I can trust you again."  I accept all this, but it's really scary.  What if she changes her mind?  What if she decides she doesn't want to deal with this?  I'm really afraid of that.  I can't tell her that, though.  That wouldn't be fair.  What right do I have to look for reassurances?  I don't have that right.  Thanks again for your post.
 
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