Thinking of Divorcing my Husband B/C of his Porn Addiction

Cant_Wait18

New Member
I have been married to my husband for 2 years. We have been together for 6 years. He says that he has had an addiction to porn since before he even knew me. Looking back, I think that could explain why he couldn't get it up the first time we tried to have sex in a heated moment (back then, I thought it was because he was just nervous or maybe it was performance anxiety).

Our sex has always been very up and down. It was great in the beginning (once things got going), but since I haven't been with many men in bed, I have been sort of naive about how sexual encounters should go and how an erection works. Before I met him, I was under the impression that if a guy gets in the heat of the moment, he will feel aroused and it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll get 100% hard. Ready to go. But when I started having sex with my husband (back when we were just going out) he would get only about 70-80% hard. I thought it was just because he was so eager to orgasm that he didn't care how hard he was/he was being lazy about it: he just wanted to get to the sex and the orgasm part. So I would tell him things like "hey, you know our sex is great when you're 100% hard! So lets do it that way more often!" (Of course, that was my naive thinking that he actually had control over how hard he got.)

In a single session, he would get a little hard at first, then he would ask me to give him hand jobs or oral in order to get him to be harder so we could have sex. Unfortunately, his hard-on wouldn't stick around for our entire sexual encounter so he started using cock rings to help with that. About a year into our relationship, he moved in with me in my apartment. I was super excited because I'm a really sexual person. I imagined us, like on tv, having sex in every room... on the couch... in the kitchen... on the counter... on the floor... you name it. I wanted to have sex there. But because his erections were so inconsistent, we never got to fulfill that fantasy of mine. If I managed to get him hard and he got up/ moved around too much, he would lose it. A lot of the time, he would lose it even while he was wearing the cock ring.
I gave up on that fantasy because I figured he just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make him feel bad or anything so I just let it go.

We lived together for 3 years. He had some strange habits during night time: I would go to bed in the bedroom while he would often stay up very late by himself on the couch in the living room. I assumed he was just playing games on his ipad, he just needed some space to himself and it was harmless. After these 3 years, we decided to get married. He has always been a very sweet man and has always been very kind and loving with me.

About 2 weeks after we got married, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I found his phone on the floor with the screen still left on. I picked it up to turn off the screen so the battery doesn't die overnight and to my surprise: I found porn. LOTS of porn.

The thing that worried me the most, though, is that it was not straight porn. It was GAY porn. I started freaking out, wondering if I had just married a closet gay man. I even found an email address that he used to use to talk to real men and send pictures of their dicks to each other over craigslist. (The emails were from the years before I met him, but who knows if he just deleted the more recent ones.)

I confronted him about everything and he said that he wasn't gay (because he doesn't look at a guy on the street and get turned on or find himself attracted to them) He said that he talked to those men just to feel the rush of talking to strangers who wanted him sexually (this made him feel attractive). It turned him on. Specifically, seeing hard penises turns him on. I thought one of two things could be true about this: 1) he's gay and lying to me about it or 2) he's not gay, but since he has a hard time keeping a 100% hard erection, seeing super big, erect penises turns him on. Like "penis envy" I guess.

He did admit to me that he is curious to try anal sex (he wants to receive it), but he insisted that this fact alone does not make him gay. He said there are lots of straight men out there who find pleasure in receiving anal sex since there are a lot of nerve endings there. After doing research on this myself, that is true... but considering he was just found watching a lot of gay porn, it seems that trying this with him would be a little risky for me as his wife. What if experimenting with a strap-on actually pushes him further into this world of anal sex and looking at men?

After expressing my concerns about him being gay, worrying that I just married a closet gay man, he said he was going to stop watching the porn.
Of course, he didn't stop. He was addicted. It seemed to morph into something else though: he then turned to watching porn with she-males/transvestites: very pretty girls... they just also happen to have a big penis.
Now the issue is that he is still addicted to porn, but the only porn he indulges in is she-male porn. And he still has that desire to be penetrated. He doesn't ask me to do it because he knows that after everything that has happened, I have major trust issues with him in that area.

I went back to school to get a degree and most of my classes are in the evening. He has a day-job so he comes home to an empty room with hours to himself. For the last two years (the first two years of our marriage) it has been a rollercoaster of good sex and bad sex. Some days he can keep it hard -no problem- and our sex is great. Other days, he can't and our sex sucks. However, no matter the state of his penis, he is always able to make himself get an orgasm through our intercourse, (so he always gets what he wants), but I have been completely sexually frustrated at times because I can't enjoy our sex when he's not 100% hard. Sometimes I barely feel what he's doing if he's not hard enough. It makes no difference for him though. He can orgasm every time.

It has even gotten to the point where I don't make advances towards him anymore because it feels horrible when I try to get sexy for him and come on to him, but his dick stays limp. It's a big blow to my self-esteem. I've tried getting all dressed up and coming on to him. We'll make out, things will get hot and heavy, but after a while, I find he still has no erection at all.I know he wants me to come on to him, but I'm scared to try and nothing be the result. Not only does it make me feel horrible, but it also takes a toll on his confidence since he wasn't able to follow-up my initiation.

Although he can't stay fully hard, he does still have a big sex drive. He used to want it every single day. And I tried having sex with him every single day in fear that if I didn't, he would turn to porn. But a few things happened: 1) since he orgasmed every time, as the days went on, his dick was less and less hard with every encounter (therefore, making it less and less pleasurable for me) 2) it would take him longer and longer to actually make himself cum, and 3) my efforts to be the object of his daily sexual desires did not stop him from seeking out porn eventually.

Every time he can't stay hard during sex, I think it's because he recently, secretly watched porn. So either he can't stay hard with me because he's feeling guilty, or maybe he can't stay hard because he's too busy stressing over "omg, if I'm not hard enough, she's gonna be able to tell that I masturbated to porn recently..." and that stress kills his erection.

I have tried to be very patient. I have tried to be understanding about the time necessary to reprogram his brain to getting stimulated naturally, but it's very frustrating for me when I feel like he's just being more secretive about it.
There are some days when I just "know" he has been doing something behind my back so I check his history on his devices and I ask him directly. He always denies it and I find nothing. He's just gotten better about covering up his tracks.
This has taken a psychological toll on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy and imagining things. I feel terrible when I get that "feeling" that something has been going on... but he insists that he has been "good." I feel horrible for assuming my "feeling" was right... like I'm just holding his past against him. That would suck for anyone who made mistakes in the past that they are trying to rectify.

Last night, I had to stay at school until 10pm (much later than usual) and I found she-male porn on his phone again when I got home. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had actually been looking at porn about once/twice a week for a while now. That explains all the times we've had sex and he has been less than his best.
We talked about it for a while and he even told me that he "can't" stop going back to it. I asked him to clarify since obviously, nobody if FORCING him to navigate to those sites, then he even said he "won't" stop.

I don't know what to do. With such an inconsistent sex life, it has been really hard. I always pictured myself having amazing sex with my future husband day and night. I have a big sexual appetite so I was happy knowing that my husband had one too. Unfortunately, he is screwing up his performance by messing with all this she-male porn. I don't know what to do. It's been two years dealing with these issues (since the very start of our marriage) and I feel like I haven't been able to properly enjoy being married because of our constant falling back to this same issue.

He keeps saying that "it has gotten a lot better" than what the addiction was at first (since it used to be every night), but it never seems to just GO AWAY.

I was worried when I first decided to go back to school because if I was going to be leaving him alone all the time, I knew porn would be a big temptation for him. But I hate feeling like I can't live my life because I'm worried that if I leave him alone for too long, he's gonna fall back into those habits and totally screw up our sex life all over again (like he's been doing).
I hate feeling like I can't just be really tired some days and refuse sex every once in a while because if I refuse him even once, he's going to be frustrated to the point of driving him back to the porn.

I hate feeling like I'm inadequate because of his obsession with she-male porn. Not only for the reasons that women usually feel inadequate (because the girls in the videos are always gorgeous), but even more for the reason because I'm not a she-male! I don't have a penis that he can enjoy! And I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is the first time I have felt like I was inadequate for not having a penis! You would think it's because of the usual girl insecurities: Am I pretty enough? Do I turn him on? Can I play with him in a way that makes him feel good?

He says that he likes she-male porn because he likes looking a big penises (penis envy due to his ED?) and he loves looking at hot girls with boobs. The more boobs and penises, the better.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should keep trying to be patient with him and hope he makes the right choices every time I leave him alone while I'm in school... or maybe after two years of waiting for our sex life to normalize, maybe I should just leave him since he continually goes back to this strange addiction.

I know after that first evening finding porn and that email address on his phone, most girls would have been freaked out and left him right after the first two weeks of marriage. But I have been trying my best to be understanding that this is an addiction. After two years, though... I don't know if I'm just wasting my time. I just turned 30 this year and he is 32. We aren't in our youngest years, but I still look good. The last thing I want is to be waiting for our sex life to get better for another 5 years and then realize: "holy shit... I've been with this guy since I was 24... I gave him my prime years and at age 35 I have to leave and start from scratch."

He is aware of porn-induced ED, he has read a lot of research on the matter and I have told him how horrible it all makes me feel... but t never seems to go away and stay away.

I can't talk to anyone I know about this and I am in desperate need of advice.
What should I do?
 

bob

Respected Member
Dear Can't,

First, I am a male who, like many guys here grew up with porn from an early age. I am working on the elimination of porn in my life but I admit that it currently remains a problem. My wife is well aware that it is a problem. I honest with her when I "slip," and over the years, I have slipped. I am still working on it and I have come a long way but I am not there yet. Porn has a tremendous amount of pull but you must be realize that this is his problem, not your problem. He needs to admit that he has a problem if he is ever going to change.

Second, you need to talk to someone. Find a therapist that understands or is willing to listen to the fact that your husband is addicted to porn. If you feel you don't click with your therapist, find someone else. You should not have to deal with this alone. And your husband (particularly in his current state) is not the one to help at all. You need outside support to learn if it is worth it to stay in this relationship.

Third, since I have been here on RN, I have learned of three women that I would recommend you connecting with.There are probably others but these stick out as the honest, most sensible, and strongest. They know who they are as individuals. I would recommend you connecting with them and ask these types of questions. They are (in know particular order)  Gracie, Emerald Blue, and aquarius25. Look for their thoughts and comments on this site and read what they have gone through and experienced. They have a world of knowledge and all have stayed with their husbands.

However, all of their husbands opened up and made a commitment to change. If yours is unable to do so, I question whether it is worth staying in this relationship. But, you must be the one to choose. Those are just my thoughts.

I will sign off as I am sure other women have thoughts and comments to make. All I know is any man who was in a relationship is crazy to choose porn over someone who is alive, caring and loving as you seem to be. Your guy is nuts!

I will leave with one last thought thing. Emerald Blue uses a tag line on her posts I think speaks volumes.

His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Theses are wise words.

Please make sure you find someone to talk to so you can start to take care of yourself. You deserve it!
 

AppleJack

Active Member
Ok, first hello and welcome to the forum.

That was a lot to read and I apologize if I miss parts with my answer.

First a little of me, for perspective. I am a partner (who reads but doesn't post on here much), I am roughly 2.5 years post discovery and have been with my husband for 17 years (married 15). Things are going quite well with us, but it was a total shit show at the start and for about 2 years lol, well up and down shit show, but seems to consistently be on the up now.

If I had to boil your whole post down to one word it would be TRUST. You don't trust him, and you don't trust yourself either, cos of his behavior, i.e gas lighting, lying, lying by omission, manipulating, trivializing, blame shifting. I read it all and probably some more and it's all classic addict behavior, any addict to anything. And the thing is having a conversation with an addict is a bit like going to the madhatters tea party or having a convo with the cheshire cat, i.e it leaves you more bewildered and confused than you started.

Maybe he's gay, maybe he's not, who knows? Maybe not even him. What is clear is that his behaviour is unhealthy for you. As Bob posted as well, you can't control it - sucks aye cos if you could you would just make him stop. But what you do have control over is yourself and what you do. You can decide what you want in a relationship, you can set your boundaries of what you will and will not put up with. If him looking up porn (regardless of type) is a no to you then you have the right to not only exclaim that boundary but to reinforce it and if he doesn't like it then he can find a relationship with someone that will put up with that shit, but that person sure as hell doesn't need to be you. Please don't pander to him or hope he will change, or treat him with kid gloves, the last thing he needs is you helping him be victim in his own sad story. It's unlikely he'll stop anyway, for himself or you if you are putting up with it, cos why should he, he's having his cake and eating it and the only one feeling it negatively is you. Unfortunately addicts are the most selfish people on the planet, he should care about your pain but bottom line is he doesn't right now, so you have to care, you have to care more about yourself than you do about him.

What do you want? Let go of all the what if's and just think about what you want in an ideal world, you already posted a little of the relationship that you envisaged/want. And sure be careful to make sure you aren't aiming for the hollywood ridiculous ideals but at the same time don't sell yourself short. And think beyond the relationship with him, what sort of relationship do you want with others. This addiction and it's affect on partners is far reaching, at the moment it will be creeping into every aspect of your life, so explore what you want everywhere, marriage, family, friends, career, hobbies, finances.

Resources for you, Paula Hall - Sex addiction the partners perspective and Kevin Skinner - Treating trauma from sexual betrayal.

Good luck and keep posting.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I would echo AppleJack's advise. Porn addiction is like a nuclear bomb to a marriage. It hit right at the center, trust. Both you and him need to sit and down really think about what your wants and needs are for yourself and for the relationship. Communication is a must!!! That is the only way to rebuild. If he is willing to admit he has a problem and wants to get better that is really important. Addiction is not easy on anyone. Being able to recognize and admit you have a problem is the first and most important step. If he isn't willing to get there then there is little hope that you can rebuild anything. Communication from both of you needs to be a daily thing. I get having busy lives but being able to start a conversation and see it through is so important. I am so sorry that you are hurting. This situation just breaks my heart. My husband is 2 2/1 years clean and I still remember the physical heart hurt, it was and is awful. Keep breathing anytime you get overwhelmed. In the early days I would make lists for myself, so many lists, lol. I would list out everything I needed to accomplish each day and anytime the hurt welled up, I would cry but I would also keep breathing, look at my list and just try to check off one more thing. One step at a time.

Feel free to reach out anytime! There is so much good support here! You are not alone.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Hi Can'tWait,

That was a lot to read through.  I read most of it and will read it over again to make sure I got everything.  First a few things and a bit of advice.

Advice first:  Your situation is serious, REALLY serious.  You sound like a god send, and I don't mean that in a creepy way, or a disloyal way.  Do you know what most guys would do to get their woman to be as interested in sex as you are?  He has got to be very, very deep down in the spiral.

My advice to you is you have to start putting up firm boundaries.  The porn has got to go.  For real.  You cannot continue to have a sexual/romantic relationship with a man who refuses to look after his well being for both of you.  You deserve to be having a good sex life.  You didn't sign that away when you said your vows.  It is up to him, as far as I am concerned, to look after his body and mind so that both of you can enjoy a healthy, happy, sexual relationship.

He isn't doing that.  So make yourself less available.  If you are financially able to, move out, get yourself your own apartment or move in with someone else.  If you can't afford even to move in with someone else, at the very least cease all sexual and romantic engagements with him.

I am not going to lie to you, this could back fire.  You would be taking a HUGE risk by doing this.  If he has narcissistic traits, he could easily choose to dive even further into porn.  (One other partner on this board had this happen to her, although I don't know if it was because of her taking action or not).

He could easily not choose you.  That is a risk you have to be willing to take.  Obviously what you have been doing by indulging him, letting him have his cake and eat it to, is not working.  So you need to remove yourself to force him to change.


Some other points:

1.  Porn does induce penis envy in straight men.  I had experience with this.  After getting deep into my porn habits I started noticing myself paying more and more attention to the cocks of the porn stars in the porn I was watching.  I knew I wasn't gay.  It scared me to death, so I switched to types of porn and erotica that didn't have men in it.  These exist at Reddit and other places where women pose for the camera.  This wasn't my porn addiction getting better by any means, I just switched to different material.  Many of the videos I did continue to watch were highly offensive, even if they didn't feature actual sex.

I don't know why the penis envy thing happens?  It could be that most men in porn have extremely large penises, which ironically makes men feel bad about their own.  Instead of stopping their porn habit, though, we continue to delve deeper and deeper. 

The only way a porn addict can truly know what their orientation really is is to think, in a non-porn context, what attracts them.  Some guys who get into the really strange stuff, like your husband, may have to be clean of porn for a while before they can do that. 

When I did it, I found that I was only attracted to women.  Which I already knew in the beginning.

2.  Yes, the more a man masturbates to, and views, porn the less he will respond to real sexual activity.  The science behind this is explained in detail on Your Brain On Porn and other places. 

I have personal experience with this.  All I can say is he has got to quit the porn.  It is the only thing that fixes it.

Best of luck,

Rich
 
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