So I have been on this site for quite awhile. It was about 1 month from 4 years ago when my wife discovered the depth and perversion of my porn addiction. It's been a long road for both of us but I believe we have grown from it.
I think it was her that found this site. What a life saver for me. I did the hard 90 day reboot. I had been addicted for probably about 15 years, and had been a fairly heavy user. It was rough, but the threat of divorce and losing my family kept me from relapsing. After probably day 30 things got a bit easier, though urges and such would come in waves of a day or so. I had no idea what triggered them, they just came and went. By day 90 much of the old habits had been eased, and I was able to sort of reach a semblance of normality.
There was nothing wrong for me in striving for sobriety in those first 90 days. My brain had been all messed up, I didn't even feel too much like a human. I don't feel like I was in any shape to do any soul searching. The problem for me was at the 90 days I became complacent. I felt like I had accomplished what I set out to do ( which technically I did). But what I didn't do was reach for recovery. I was sober, but that was about all.
Our sex life didn't change much. Her complaints about my involvement with the kids didn't change. I still wasn't putting her first at all, and she felt unloved. Things continued like this for quite some time. She would get upset and confront me, I'd say I would change but it would last about 2 weeks and things would go back to the way they had been. I felt happy with the way things were, even if my family suffered. It seems heartless to say this, but honestly I believe that is the way of the addict. I only wanted to change enough to keep people from getting upset with me.
So recently I relapsed. It felt like the old things all came back. I lied when confronted, and only when she wouldn't give up I finally trickled the information out. This time she said something to me that somehow stuck. She said " If you can spend time on all these other 'interests' of yours why not your family?" She had said this before, but this time I thought about it. "Yeah, why haven't I"? I thought to myself.
I think recovery is a lifelong process. I will always be a porn addict, and both my wife and I have come to accept that. I will be a recovering one, but one nonetheless. I started listening to podcasts about intimacy, marriage and a healthy sex life. I realized that I had no sex real education, just one semester class as a snarky high school freshman, and porn. I honestly had no idea how to be really intimate, to enjoy my wife and for her to enjoy me as a whole person, not some objectified object. Part of the reason I never initiated sex was I was afraid. Although I had recovered from PIED, I still carried that anxiety of not being able to perform. I also was afraid that what I might do was too porn related, or that my PE would happen and I would be embarrassed. Pretty stupid for a guy married for over 15 years right?
Well, anyway I've got to start somewhere, so at the beginning might be the best spot. I've been changing my mindset on this, relaxing and most importantly communicating about how I feel, and asking her how she feels. I think I'm more excited about our sex life than I have ever been. Many of the things that used to hang over me are fading; my insecurities, my anxieties and hangups. I'm not here all the way, but I'm working to get there. I hope that I can give my wife my whole me, the thing she deserved 16 years ago. I still screw up, but with honest communication I think she is also able to know how I feel and give me grace and forgiveness.
Anyway, there aren't a whole lot of "veterans" on the site. I hope my contributions help.
I think it was her that found this site. What a life saver for me. I did the hard 90 day reboot. I had been addicted for probably about 15 years, and had been a fairly heavy user. It was rough, but the threat of divorce and losing my family kept me from relapsing. After probably day 30 things got a bit easier, though urges and such would come in waves of a day or so. I had no idea what triggered them, they just came and went. By day 90 much of the old habits had been eased, and I was able to sort of reach a semblance of normality.
There was nothing wrong for me in striving for sobriety in those first 90 days. My brain had been all messed up, I didn't even feel too much like a human. I don't feel like I was in any shape to do any soul searching. The problem for me was at the 90 days I became complacent. I felt like I had accomplished what I set out to do ( which technically I did). But what I didn't do was reach for recovery. I was sober, but that was about all.
Our sex life didn't change much. Her complaints about my involvement with the kids didn't change. I still wasn't putting her first at all, and she felt unloved. Things continued like this for quite some time. She would get upset and confront me, I'd say I would change but it would last about 2 weeks and things would go back to the way they had been. I felt happy with the way things were, even if my family suffered. It seems heartless to say this, but honestly I believe that is the way of the addict. I only wanted to change enough to keep people from getting upset with me.
So recently I relapsed. It felt like the old things all came back. I lied when confronted, and only when she wouldn't give up I finally trickled the information out. This time she said something to me that somehow stuck. She said " If you can spend time on all these other 'interests' of yours why not your family?" She had said this before, but this time I thought about it. "Yeah, why haven't I"? I thought to myself.
I think recovery is a lifelong process. I will always be a porn addict, and both my wife and I have come to accept that. I will be a recovering one, but one nonetheless. I started listening to podcasts about intimacy, marriage and a healthy sex life. I realized that I had no sex real education, just one semester class as a snarky high school freshman, and porn. I honestly had no idea how to be really intimate, to enjoy my wife and for her to enjoy me as a whole person, not some objectified object. Part of the reason I never initiated sex was I was afraid. Although I had recovered from PIED, I still carried that anxiety of not being able to perform. I also was afraid that what I might do was too porn related, or that my PE would happen and I would be embarrassed. Pretty stupid for a guy married for over 15 years right?
Well, anyway I've got to start somewhere, so at the beginning might be the best spot. I've been changing my mindset on this, relaxing and most importantly communicating about how I feel, and asking her how she feels. I think I'm more excited about our sex life than I have ever been. Many of the things that used to hang over me are fading; my insecurities, my anxieties and hangups. I'm not here all the way, but I'm working to get there. I hope that I can give my wife my whole me, the thing she deserved 16 years ago. I still screw up, but with honest communication I think she is also able to know how I feel and give me grace and forgiveness.
Anyway, there aren't a whole lot of "veterans" on the site. I hope my contributions help.
