I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them

Alrighty, so I've been watching porn since I was about 11. I didn't realize I had a problem until about 9th grade when I was experimenting with my girlfriend and I just couldn't get it up, which is real kick to my masculinity. I actually discovered Reboot Nation through reddit (thank God for reddit). After hearing everything that Gabe was saying, I just resonated so hard with everything he had to say. I still get spontaneous erections and morning wood, that's not really a problem. For me it's that I have porn induced ED, which scares the shit out of me. I'm doing this reboot for the sake of my future. I want a healthy marriage and I don't want porn coming between me and my partner. Also I'm a Christian, so there's that moral aspect as well. I remember when I first started watching porn I pretty much started off with lesbian porn...like why not? Two girls is better than one right? Anyway, over time I started to watch more and more. Eventually my dad became suspicious and installed a porn blocking application on the computer. This didn't solve anything actually as I had my mobile device. For years, from middle school all the way up through high school, I would watch porn on my mobile device, and watch porn and masturbate at least once a day everyday. I became aware of my problem like I said after the issue with my girlfriend. I would try to stop, and I did all kinds of research on neural plasticity, so I was fairly educated in the subject. I actually told my parents about it, and they basically just told me, "Give it to God and all is going to work out". That's great and all, but there's a scientific side as well. Every time I've tried to quit, it's always been by self motivation, which I realize is the worst. This time is different though because I've found this great resource with thousands of guys who share the same problem and can keep me motivated, so I have hope! An interesting thing for me, that I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but the majority of what I watch presently and for the past several years, has been gay porn. From what started with lesbian and straight porn, did a complete 180 and turned to gay porn, with the occasional bi sexual stuff thrown in. This pisses me off, because romantically and emotionally, I don't want to be with a guy, but because of my rewired attraction, I am mostly sexually attracted to guys. Through this process I hope to rewire my brain back to its original settings, and just do a total reboot. I guess it escalated to gay porn because when we get tired of the same old porn, we look for more deviant and extreme things, and in the Christian religion, homosexuality is taboo, and gay porn for the majority is a lot more aggressive than regular (software) straight porn. It's curious because I know that I used to be attracted to lesbian porn and I'm still emotionally and romantically attracted to women, I just need to destroy the neural pathways I've created. Anybody else have a similar experience? Anyway, it's just a huge problem because I have no motivation to date anybody because of fear of pressure to have sex, and that it'll be ruined by my porn addiction, so I want to fix myself before I feel ready to date again. I just want a healthy future. Thanks for listening guys. I've never made it past 3 weeks of no porn or masturbation, so this is going to be by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. Currently day 3 with no P or M.

So this is day four with no PMO. I'm trying to avoid as many sexual triggers as possible, even looking away from people I find attractive that I walk past. I'm a college student so I pass a lot of people everyday on campus. So far so good, my mood has been pretty bright, but I know somethings about to hit, I can feel it, it usually does when I hit the one week mark. The thing about this is that when I go two or more days without PMO, I start popping boners like a 13 year old and it gets pretty annoying (it'd be helpful if it did this when actually in bed with someone). Today was a very exhausting day and I've only sat about 30 minutes total today while I've been standing from 7:00 AM to 10:00 PM, and being exhausted is definitely a trigger into wanting to PMO for me. My routine is that I come home in the evening, relax a little, do homework, then lights out and PMO, so night time is my most dangerous and tempting time. Overall today was pretty good, only downside is that I'm physically and mentally exhausted and makes my will power weaker and more susceptible to PMO, but on the other hand I'm way to mentally and physically exhausted in the first place to actually do it, so I'm good for tonight. It'll probably be hard for me to fall asleep because I watch porn until, on average, 1 or 2 in the morning instead of going to bed at 11:00 PM, which is the time currently. Wish me luck, and good luck to the rest of you, thanks for reading guys, night!

This is Day 5 without PMO. Today was ok, I'm not really tempted too hard, especially since I'm spending the night at my buddy's house. I found today that I was a little more irritable than usual, and I was getting annoyed by things that I shouldn't, and traffic didn't help with that either. I was also hanging out with a friend and I just had an extreme case of brain fog and my mind went somewhere else completely. I also told someone very close to me about my problem, and she was nothing but supportive and was actually curious to know the science behind it as she new a couple people with porn addiction and thought it might be good to educate them. Just counting my blessing and thanking God for every new day of life. Thanks for reading guys, best of luck in all y'alls journeys to recovery!

This is day six without PMO. This was a really nice day, I did however feel temptation a couple times throughout the day. It was more temptation about thinking about doing it as opposed to ACTUALLY doing it. Anyway, I'm home with my parents for the weekend, and it was just a really good day spending time with them. I felt really positive and my social anxiety was pretty much zero. I went to a fall festival and pet some alpacas which was pretty cool. My parents were super cool and bought me some new boots for winter, which is a big deal because my parents hardly ever have enough money to buy themselves anything, but work is doing well for my dad right now I guess . . . it should considering how much he works. So I guess today I'm just feeling really grateful for my family. I wish I was more productive today, I have a lot of school work to catch up on and I'm the best procrastinator I know, I'm the kind of guy who will look at funny cat videos if it means I can delay doing school work for another hour. Tomorrow and Monday, I really got to finish my work. Today I met a girl who works at a small store across the street from me, she was really cool and I hardly felt any social anxiety. I've also noticed I'm getting more emotional, I was watching a show that was a standard crime show where people get killed all the time and we just kinda don't think about it cause we're so used to this kind of thing happening in these types of crime shows. Anyway, this guy just opens his door and this person just shoots him in the head, and I just start tearing up like "Wtf was her problem? This guy seemed really happy and had a wife and kids! That's so fucked up!"......so that was interesting. Alright, well it's off to bed for me...NO PORN, NOT A CHANCE, FUCK YOU PORN. Just gotta remind myself that "no amount of porn can ever love you back"; words from my man, Gabe, himself.

Good going so far man, keep it up
Never give up your vigilance though - I had a 40-day-run this summer, never really felt tempted that strongly, let myself slip and then BOOM, one day it suddenly hit me. And I relapsed. So watch yourself.

Thanks for the advice. I'll be super careful, just got to keep reminding myself that porn is not an option. Have a great day dude!

This is day 7 no PMO. So today was a Sunday, and I go to church every Sunday. My church is the bees knees, and I love everything about, and going only strengthened my need to recover from porn. I technically saw a pornographic image, but it was on accident and I closed it as quickly as possible. I was typing in "blackboard" on the url, which is the college system we use. When I typed "b" it automatically" filled in the url for me, what I thought was blackboard, was actually an old porn tumblr I used to go on, so that loaded, saw a boob and immediately clicked out, then proceeded to erase all my history, so nothing familiar would ever pop up in the url again. Overall it was a pretty good day. I'm worried about when withdrawl is going to hit, if it even does. Ok, thanks for reading, good luck guys.

This is day 8 no PMO. Things are getting a little more difficult, especially when it's blocking out everything sexual, I can't risk MO without fantasizing, which from reading articles on YBOP, is still bad for me. Anyway, other than that, it was a good day. I went hiking with some friends, then I had to drive back to campus. It was my aunts birthday, so we had steak from outback steakhouse, it was delicious. I did some homework, and now I'm in bed. After I post my daily journal, my temptation for PMO is significantly decreased. So, the things I'm grateful today for are, well for one, being alive another day, my family, and that I'm blessed enough to have privileges that others may not be fortunate enough to have, like food, shelter, a laptop to come to this website...I'm also grateful to have this supporting community. Ok, that's it, thanks for reading guys. Good luck to all! Keep going strong!

This is Day 9 no PMO. I've had better days. Today was just extremely busy and stressful, I have a chemistry exam tomorrow, and I had tons of other homework piling in all at once, so time management was a little difficult. Suddenly I had all this stress and anxiety building up, and getting off to some porn seemed pretty inviting. I mentally went into the fetal position. I eventually stopped thinking and just closed my eyes, and took deep breaths, and let my worries pass. I got some water, ate a sandwich, and relaxed for a few minutes. I got back to work and took things one step at a time. In the end, everything worked out all right, and here I am still PMO free. I have a little bit of a headache, but it'll pass soon I'm sure. Wish me luck on my exam! Thanks for reading guys, and best of luck to you all and your journey.

Not sure if it will help you but it does for me; meditation for at least 10-20 minutes does wonder for my peace of mind/control the urge.

Good luck young warrior

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind, good luck to you as well! ;D

This is day 10 no PMO. Good news, I aced my Chemistry exam, so that took a lot of stress off my shoulders. I've been in a pretty good mood all day long, and haven't had any strong temptations. I got a lot of homework done, and was very social. I even got into deep conversations with my Biology lab instructor, where I told her I was part of a blog about people recovering from porn addiction and she thought it was the coolest thing. My evening was awesome, myself and a couple hundred other people saw an illusionist perform, and then give his testimony about how he came to Christ, and incorporated his illusionist flare into it. It's one of the most creative evangelical acts I've ever seen. This was good for me because other than this site, I lean on the Lord a lot in my journey to overcome this addiction. Just a good way to end the night. Thanks for reading guys, and good luck!

Day 11 no PMO. I've been on my feet pretty much all day, 7 AM to 9 PM, and my feet are dead. It's been a very busy, but over all, a very productive one. I was so busy, I didn't really have time to even think about watching porn. When I got home and relaxed, it came across in my mind, but as always I thought a step ahead and thought about how I'd feel after if I did watch it....I'd feel like crap. I really have to stop watching shows with all this junk, currently I'm watching American Horror Story, the new season. It's full of just sex, and screwed up stuff that doesn't need to be in my life, so I think I'm going to cut that out. I think my sensitivity is readjusting, but I feel like I'm getting less erections throughout the day...maybe that's a good thing? I don't know, could just be a withdrawal symptom. My emotions have been kept in check, and I've been relatively positive these last 11 days. I notice on a lot of other people's counter, that they have a goal of like "reach 100 days" or however many days without PMO or whatever it is. I don't have a goal on my counter because I never want to intentionally watch porn again. So far so good...I go skydiving with my dad and brothers on Sunday, I'm so pumped!!! Only afforded it because there was a 52% off deal through groupon...you guys should check it out. Anyway, good night, and stay strong!

Great job man!  I'm in the same boat in terms of tv shows.  I had to cut out binge watching Dexter on Netflix because of how hot his girlfriend is hahaha.

In terms of the erections, I made it like 18 days or so a little while ago and would have days where I had no erections and other days where every girl I saw turned me on.  I think the fluctuation is probably a good sign though because it just means that your body is rebalancing itself.

Keep up the streak and and have fun skydiving!

Hi TobyTob,

Well done for starting your journal and welcome to the site. Keep journaling, it seems to be doing you some good airing your thoughts. I noticed no one has commented on your conversion to gay porn yet. I don't know too much about it, but I have heard that people's tastes can change with continual porn usage. I didn't like the stuff I started wanting to watch, and feel like I have re-adjusted back to a more natural mode when having sex. Also I am not so fussy or judgemental when looking at a woman these days, and I don't have to fantasise at all when having sex now, which is the first time in my life. If feels so relaxed and natural, like a breath of fresh air.

So I don't know if your sexual tastes will completely revert, but their is hope, and you have nothing to loose. Personally I don't have a problem if you do decide that you are gay in the end, but if this is what you want then I think it can happen.

Also keep reading up on articles on Your Brain On Porn, it's good to keep yourself topped up with motivating information. Also visualise how you want your life to be once you are off the porn for a significant length of time, and imagine this life as the present. When you are tempted it will feel like you are loosing this future for real and will keep you on track.

Good luck

Hey thanks for the reply, MountainSummit, good to hear some feedback. For some updated information on my tastes, I'm starting to look at girls again the way I used to before this whole porn business. But anyway, I know naturally I'm straight, there was never a time in my life before porn where I ever felt attracted to another man, and I want that back. Your Brain On Porn had some great resources to shed some light on the whole subject. Thanks dude, and good luck.

This is day 12 no PMO. I'm back home again for the weekend and I went and saw a movie with a buddy of mine like we do almost every weekend. I love the movie theater atmosphere. We saw Bridge of Spies with Tom Hanks, REALLY good, you all should see it. Anyway, my mood was pretty good, really optimistic. One thing that kind of downs on my mood is driving back home and hitting traffic. I hate it more than anything...except porn of course haha. I don't know, I hate it when people drive slow, it stresses me out. I played ping pong today like I do every week, so it's good to have a hobby and to be doing something else where under other circumstances I might be watching porn. Temptation wasn't really strong at all, so that's good. Kind of pissed right now because like 30 minutes ago I picked up my glasses to see that they're bent as fuck, and now they don't fit right and don't stay on my face...must've sat on them or something. Anyway, I'm just grateful for another day of life, and I'm thankful for the people in my life who support me in my journey of overcoming this addiction. I'm especially thankful for such a great community this website provides. Good night people, and keep fighting!

This is Day 13 no PMO. I wondered if I spent to much time on here, then I realized I only come on once a day, in the evening to post and respond to other people's replies. This is great outlet for me to just get my feelings out, I'm really thankful this is available to me. Anyway, I had a really good day with my dad and brother. My parents house doesn't have heat currently because their oil tank went bad and they're getting a new one to go above ground. Because of this my father needs to put in a concrete slab for the tank to go on top of. That's what I did today, I mixed and poured concrete with my dad, and it was awesome. My brother drove up today as well from college, and we all caught up, grilled some pork chops and a had a few beers. We also went out to see a movie, Crimson Peak...it was ok, not the best. There was a pretty software sex scene in it, and I knew this wasn't good for me to watch as it might trigger something, so I was pretty good at looking away. My brother came up because me and my dad and brothers are going skydiving, and we've all been looking forward to this for about two months because we had to reschedule last time due to rain. Anyway, my mood was really solid today, and temptation was a low. I'm still really bad about procrastinating with my school work...I need to fix that. I'm really proud of myself and how I'm doing, because of this community and the education I've received on my addiction through personal research, has made this journey, so far, significantly easier than the last times I've tried to quit. Thanks for reading guys, have a good one, and keep on truckin. 

This is day 14 no PMO. So skydiving didn't happen...it got canceled...again. We're going to shoot for next Sunday, and if that doesn't happen, we'll have to wait for the spring, cause it's just gonna be too freaking cold. But anyway, I woke up to waffles, cause my dad is awesome, but then it kind of got ruined when my oldest brother started bringing up politics (which always happens when he visits), and my dad can't help but respond because my whole family is conservative except for my brother who's liberal and atheist, but hey, I just wanted family time. Oh well...my mood was pretty positive the whole day, despite skydiving being canceled due to "too much cloud coverage". In terms of porn...there was an instance where I was doing homework and the temptation was hella real, and I edged a little but quickly stopped as I didn't want to risk turning on porn. I ended the night with the new walking dead episode and some homework...the homework never ends. I think once I reach 90 days no PMO, I'm gonna get a tattoo behind my ear, about the size of a dime, of the reboot button...like the power button, you know what I'm talking about? I don't know, it's really simplistic and not trashy, and it means something to me, and it might strike conversations where a situation might occur where I could help talk to someone about their porn addiction. Overall, just a really average day, nothing too significant except that I'm still alive...which is always a plus. Have a good one guys, keep on truckin.

Day 15 no PMO. I guess you could say I was a little horny today...I don't know, the fact that I couldn't act on it made me really sexually frustrated, but I know it's good that I didn't. It was very cold today, but I didn't let that ruin my day. It wasn't a bad day, but I've had better. I was very productive in terms of doing a lot of homework, but it never ends, and I've still got a ton to do. If there was one thing I'd do differently today, it's that I would go to bed at a decent hour...it's past midnight, and I wake up in six hours...now I realize a lot of people get less than six hours, but I need proper sleep, especially because I have work in the morning. I skipped lecture today to do homework, that's how much homework I have. Just got to remind myself, all this work is for the betterment of my future, no matter how stupid some of the assignments are. Oh! I preordered movie tickets for my dad and I for the opening night of the new Star Wars movie, so that's exciting. Next is day 16, which is my lucky number, so hopefully it's a winner...plus I've never gone without porn for more than 17 days, so I'm gonna be super psyched when I pass that. Thanks for reading guys, keep on truckin.