Need to pay attention tomorrow

Survivor here.

I had a good day. However, my wife will be away at work all day tomorrow. That can be a really dangerous time for me. I need to keep myself busy outside the house as it's too easy to sneak a peek when I'm here by myself.

I need to check in with you folks some time tomorrow morning and surrender whatever is going through my brain at the time. I've got lots of good things I can be doing tomorrow. However, there is always that one not so good thing lurkin' at the entrance to my brain. Tomorrow especially I need to remember not to let the porndog into the house because he'll just piss all over the carpet!


Catch you tomorrow.

Hey Survivor,

Just wanted to wishing you good luck for tomorrow. It will be entirely up to you and you alone whether you give into any urges that may arise and try to "sneak a peek". All of us here know that will only lead us to failure, we've done it before many times.

At the risk of sounding like a cracked record, I urge you try and adopt the "porn is not an option" mindset. I'd encourage you to do whatever it takes to gain that mindset, because once you set your mind to the "porn is not an option default", it does get so much easier to proceed with your reboot.

Don't give in. Stay strong and read more of the journals if you do feel the need for more encouragement.   

Good luck!!!

Just remember you are worth this change!

Survivor, I live alone and have made it 43 days so far. Just make up your mind to not look. I know  you can do it. Just think of the realists to come.

Thanks for your support everyone.

I don't know what it is but, for many years I've had a hard time being alone. When I was a young man I moved out of my parents home at age 21 and lived on my own. I loved it. About three years later I entered into an extended live-in relationship of approx. five years. When it ended I lived alone again and, once again, was perfectly content to be by myself. However, since my first marriage ended in 1995 I have struggled with being alone. I have a feeling it relates to some childhood abandonment issues. That being said I get this low level anxiety whenever I'm alone. Of course, in order to escape these feelings I have always had my old friend and coping mechanism - porn.

I am always able to function and carry on with my life at these times, however the feeling is always lurking just beneath the surface. It's really strong at the moment. I did not get out of bed until 10:00 this morning. I have this misperception that if I lay in bed long enough the feeling will go away and I will feel alright. Never happens! The only way to beat it is to get up and get on with it. I didn't follow that advice today.

This part is crucial. The principle applies whether I'm feeling anxiety, anger, sadness, fear or whatever. I SIMPLY HAVE TO BE WITH THE FEELING RATHER THAN TRYING TO DEFLECT FROM IT. I know that the feeling, whatever it is, will pass. It always does. It's just being with it and not trying to escape from it that's the challenge. I've spent far too many years going to the wrong place at times like this and the pattern has become ingrained in my brain.

But... BIG BUT HERE. I know that if I give in I will end up feeling worse. I will have thrown away the sobriety time that I have built up over the past few days, I know I will have to reset the sobriety clock again at zero, I know I will be frustrated and angry with myself and I know I will once again be carrying secrets. I don't want any of that. I want to live as an honest person.

The sun is shining today and it's a beautiful warm day. A great day to be outside working in the yard. Gotta get to it. 


Thanks all once again for being there to support me,

Survivor

I had a good day. A sober day.

One day at a time. I can only focus on this stuff one day at a time. Tomorrow I will resolve to stay sober tomorrow but for now it's good to be able to look my wife in the eye tonight.


Survivor

Survivor here.

Pretty depressed today. The weather turned crappy - grey, rainy and cold. I have a case of the f**k-its, "Let's do this. Aah f**k it! Do you want to do that? No. F**k it." It's a sense of total disconnection to life. Nothing seems to matter. I believe part of it is related to porn withdrawal. Porn has always been a temporary pick me up. Kinda like a shot of espresso coffee when my energy level is down. Well, there has been no pornspresso for a while and I'm probably missing the endorphin, dopamine hit I guess. Makes me feel really dragged out.

This is a dangerous time for me because my learned experience tells me that if I have a porn session I will have a temporary surge of energy. Actually... that's not really true anymore. At one time it was but lately I'm usually more dragged out after I look at porn. It's the memory of what the high was like that's so tantalizing. Every now and then I come close to what it used to be like so I am continually seeking to duplicate what can never be duplicated again, partly as a result of aging, partly as a result of long term use of anti depressants and partly as a result of desensitization due to long term porn use. Of course this leads to frustration which in turn leads to the obsession to try again because maybe the next time will be different. INSANITY! You want a good example of insanity here it is - doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well, need to get my butt in gear, get busy with something and get myself out of this funk. Once I get going I almost always feel better. It's just that at times the hill appears far to big to climb. However, gotta start climbing. It gets easier once I get going.


Happy Sunday.

 

Survivor

Glad that you especially survived the last few days. What you are journaling is good. It tells us what you are thinking and going through.
It is a mind game though! You just need to stay on top of it.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

Thanks PMOV.

I just wrote a big blurb on Jijnyasu's site. Don't want to write it twice. In case anyone wants to read it.

Survivor,
Thanks for posting, I read it on Jijnyasu's blog.  It is important we share not only the victories but also the relapses, we are all here to support and help eachother through this. 

I found your statements about using porn as a way to feel sexy and not old very true. I have to admit that I think that was a major thing for me in the video chat rooms.  some ugly days for sure, but I really found that I needed to have folks watch me, was my way to feel like I still had it.  But the really stupid thing was that I had a wife at home who was telling me that every day. 

Don't believe in those porn shadows, you are a man no matter how old  you are, and you don't need porn to reinforce that. 

Thanks Myformerself.

I've had a really good day. Lots of energy and got a lot accomplished in my yard today. I have a big yard. It's twenty acres in the middle of the bush! But best of all I felt mature somehow. Very comfortable with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I know that being able to share my thoughts on this site is helping me with that. Furthermore, I believe the more I feel that way the less I will turn to porn as a means of propping up the illusion of my self-worth as based on fantasized sexual conquests. 

I'll be away for a few days with no chance to post while I'm gone, however I'll post on the weekend once we return home. I hope to hear more from you.


Survivor

Survivor,
Glad it was a good day.  Sounds like that yard could keep you very distracted from PMO!  Spending the time outside always works for me to, resets my clock a bit, reminds me of things other than technology etc. and getting off your butt is always a good thing!.

Hope the good stuff continues.

I have a big yard. It's twenty acres in the middle of the bush!

Click to expand...

I envy you!!!

You are doing great!

Small steps. One day at a time!

Adopt the porn is no option mindset and be Blessed!

Survivor here.

Back home after four days in the city.

Observed lots of pretty women in short skirts. That's okay. That's normal. What I need to be careful of is how long I observe and what my brain does with those observations. It's a great feeling to have a woman smile at me. However, I need to leave it at that and not go off into some long, drawn out sexual fantasy as a result of a smile. That only triggers the craving to look at porn. Once again, gotta check my thoughts at the door.

I really needed to get back and dump my thoughts in front of you people. Four days is too long for me to isolate with my brain! Fortunately, I had few options to act out. Actually, there was a big option, a magazine and adult video store that was a part of my past life. But I did not go there. I knew it would simply leave me feeling secretive and ashamed. Made a good choice this time.

Well... now I'm back into my familiar surroundings and regular routine. Need to make sure I don't make porn a part of the routine once again.

I'll be checking in on a regular basis.


I hope you all have a good, clean day.

Survivor here.

I've been on my own all day and will be until tomorrow morning. I was out in my garage when the urge hit me. So... I thought "Rather than giving in to the urge this would be a good time to post something on my Reboot site." So I'm posting.

I reflected that if I gave in again once would not be enough, because once is never enough. In my other program we used to say "Once is too many and twenty is not enough." Additionally, I knew I'd have to start again from square one. I've gone back to square one so many times I've worn a path down to the bedrock. I'm having a wrestling match with my brain right now. As I post this I'm winning. I just need to remember that the craving will pass.

I know it's about changing my mindset. Years of constant repetition have made my current mindset pretty formidable but if I keep standing up to that mindset by posting on this site rather than trying to contain it within myself I know I will tame the monster.

I feel better. I'm sure I will be back here again some time today, however, right now I'm good. 

Your approach to beat the monster by diverting your thought pattern is good.
The knowledge of, the urge won't stay long. Especially by diverting your thoughts is spot on.
What you have done here is very significant.

In my other program we used to say "Once is too many and twenty is not enough."

Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing this, and reminding us about it!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

Wow! Thanks survivor for posting this. I'm fighting the urge to MO today, would like to go a couple of months to give this reboot a fair shot, but caved yesterday. I know that if I continue to MO, eventually, I will become bored and be tempted to PMO, so gotta fight the urge. You have encouraged me today brother!!

Guy's, great posts above and I'm glad your hanging tough Survivor.

Reading your posts I'm beginning to realise the importance of a positive self dialogue in our minds during a reboot. We can't really afford to be doubting ourselves, or giving thought to what the circumstances might be under which we might cave in to the urges in the future.

Just allowing your mind to reflect about the circumstances that might lead to failure, is in my view, as bad as allowing yourself to stay focused on a porn thought when it needed to be shut down instantly. The reason I say that is because I believe that even the thought of the circumstances that might lead to failure are just another way that your mind will test and tempt you.

Thoughts of failure through boredom or whatever really need to be shut down as quickly as any other porn though