Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
It seems to be a universal experience that the female partners of male porn addicts feel bad about themselves in some way. We don't feel "good enough". I feel that the porn addiction/habit itself is something itself creates increasing levels of dissatisfaction even with the porn. I certainly felt that my partner was dissatisfied with me.
It's taken me a long time to be able to look in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. But I still feel like shit when I think of my husband and his porn preference for very large breasts. I was always a slim girl and I have a smaller than average bustline. I was always perfectly happy about my breasts. I'm not flat chested by any means either. I've never felt thought "I wish I was bigger" and it's not as if anyone was complaining either. Before porn killed off our sex life he wasn't even touching my breasts, and before he reached that point I'd actually have to physically put my hand on his and direct him just to get 5 seconds as a courtesy. Looking back, he never paid my breasts much attention and his eventual ignoring completely probably paralleled the progression of his porn addiction. At the time I believed that breasts weren't his thing. Then I found what he'd been watching and it was all large, very large and oversized breasts. I won't go into details but there were videos of various acts involving large oversized breasts. Yet he wouldn't even touch mine.
Of course it has created issues for me. But here's the thing. I don't feel bad about my own size and shape. I did before, especially after discovering those videos. The reason I felt bad was because this was what he sought out, and not only that, he was getting off to stuff that we never did. Considering how he hardly touched me there, he certainly never expressed an interest in doing any of those things with me.
I like the physical sensations that I can experience from my breasts and when I look back I even think of the physical pleasure that I was denied because I'd only get a 5 seconds courtesy call. He found me lacking. Whether it's a porn induced fetish, I'm really not so sure about. I reckon the porn just served up more and more of the shit he wanted to indulge in. But now I feel quite weird about him touching me. He paid more attention to my breasts after d day after I told him about his very obvious lack of interest. He made the effort but I think he's paying less attention now. So, here I am, back to that feeling that he'd rather he could get his hands and whatever else of his onto a pair of big melons like he sought out in porn.
Don't get me wrong. I don't feel bad about my body. I don't want to be anything other than myself. It's taken a long time to feel this way about myself again. My body image was so negative through neglect but his video stash was devastating. I know "don't take it personally" and porn-induced fetishes do happen. I don't feel negatively about my breasts, and I certainly wouldn't change places with any of the porn "actresses" he watched. I just don't feel comfortable with that knowledge. It's one of those moments when you wish you were married to a man who wasn't so brainwashed and polluted by this shit. I do feel I've earned the right to feel good about myself. Why is is so hard at times, though? You grow stronger, you feel better, but you've still got these gnawing doubts.
It's taken me a long time to be able to look in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. But I still feel like shit when I think of my husband and his porn preference for very large breasts. I was always a slim girl and I have a smaller than average bustline. I was always perfectly happy about my breasts. I'm not flat chested by any means either. I've never felt thought "I wish I was bigger" and it's not as if anyone was complaining either. Before porn killed off our sex life he wasn't even touching my breasts, and before he reached that point I'd actually have to physically put my hand on his and direct him just to get 5 seconds as a courtesy. Looking back, he never paid my breasts much attention and his eventual ignoring completely probably paralleled the progression of his porn addiction. At the time I believed that breasts weren't his thing. Then I found what he'd been watching and it was all large, very large and oversized breasts. I won't go into details but there were videos of various acts involving large oversized breasts. Yet he wouldn't even touch mine.
Of course it has created issues for me. But here's the thing. I don't feel bad about my own size and shape. I did before, especially after discovering those videos. The reason I felt bad was because this was what he sought out, and not only that, he was getting off to stuff that we never did. Considering how he hardly touched me there, he certainly never expressed an interest in doing any of those things with me.
I like the physical sensations that I can experience from my breasts and when I look back I even think of the physical pleasure that I was denied because I'd only get a 5 seconds courtesy call. He found me lacking. Whether it's a porn induced fetish, I'm really not so sure about. I reckon the porn just served up more and more of the shit he wanted to indulge in. But now I feel quite weird about him touching me. He paid more attention to my breasts after d day after I told him about his very obvious lack of interest. He made the effort but I think he's paying less attention now. So, here I am, back to that feeling that he'd rather he could get his hands and whatever else of his onto a pair of big melons like he sought out in porn.
Don't get me wrong. I don't feel bad about my body. I don't want to be anything other than myself. It's taken a long time to feel this way about myself again. My body image was so negative through neglect but his video stash was devastating. I know "don't take it personally" and porn-induced fetishes do happen. I don't feel negatively about my breasts, and I certainly wouldn't change places with any of the porn "actresses" he watched. I just don't feel comfortable with that knowledge. It's one of those moments when you wish you were married to a man who wasn't so brainwashed and polluted by this shit. I do feel I've earned the right to feel good about myself. Why is is so hard at times, though? You grow stronger, you feel better, but you've still got these gnawing doubts.