Rakses Reboot - I want to be free

You can call me Riki if u will. 
I have 22 years born in Poland and i am addicted to masturbation and porn for as long as i can remember. Nobody told me back then when i was starting that i would suffer so much because of it...
Anyways i will tell you something about myself, hmm?
I love to dance, Hip-Hop, House, whatever really haha it makes me foget about things that happened or from ugliness that i create within myself. I am in calisthenics recently i do this regularly and it gives me some sort of fulfillment. Been searching for some kind of liberation for 2 years in consequence i went into Yoga and meditation it usually occupy one to two hours of my time during the day and it slowy but
decisively dissolve a lot of my bad habits for ex. eating Junk food, being lazy, jugding myself. But one it didn't... PMO... Look I think that I am not alone in that feeling that whatever I do, PMO comes back to me. Iverson (basketball player) said that wherever you go Devil will find you. I feel like that with "Porn Devil" hahaha i find it a little bit amusing to be honest.

I am not unhappy but i feel the constant impact of pornography on my life.
My dance is not beautifull during PMO period
My relations are not harmonious
I feel like i had a big stone on top of my head.
and others things that you propably experience by yourself...
I feel like my whole life i've been carrying this Porn backpack. It start to be really heavy i want to let it go but at the same time i don't want to suffer. I start today my No-PMO journey.
I will share with you about the days that are coming.
Thank you for taking your time to read this i know it is much but help go through this i need you really, haha.
Have a good day sir or madam, you never know you know.  ;D

Welcome, Riki!

I know what you mean: PMO seems to make everything else worse. You're on the right track, though--and we're all here to support you.

Good luck!

DAY 1

Thank BlueHeronFan for kind words.

Yesterday was a busy day running all around, in the morning i hitted my Yoga session i dance to one of my favourite artist "6lack" dressed good felt good and it was cool. When i went back at home i didn't even had a time and energy neither to think about sex and porn. It was pornish thoughts free day ;P. I went asleep at 7 P.M and woke up at 9 a.m next day. I was dead for 15 hours i don't like it.
P.S my morning erection felt soft. As soft as never it worried me a bit. We will see

Hi Rakes, good luck with your journey. Although I'm not a dancing guy myself, I've always admired people who enjoy dancing. They look so vibrant when they dance. I'm happy for you that you have something you love, keep it up!!

DAY 2- RELAPSE (MO - MASTURBATION/ORGASM) COUNTER RESET

I relapsed in the morning while i was lying in a bed. I was thinking about my pretty sexy ex and this circle of sexual thoughts started to spin. I have to build in myself habit of instant standing up after awakening not to bitch around and thinking about chicks. My dick was pretty flappy while i was doing this. Does ED start to hit me after all those years?

Thanks brandnewself i really appreciate that.

Despite relapse i hitted calisthenics and Yoga session as everyday, did my knee recovery, cleaned my room, dance a bit, played some games and did some research on yourbrainonporn.com sooooo many interesting things out there. Well day one ahead of me I feel cool tho no guilt and shame i accept my addiction that still persists within me i will do much tho to overcome this.

Let the force be with u.

Sorry to hear about the relapse--but what did you learn from it? I was just saying on another journal that relapses aren't all bad if we can at least learn from them and not make the same mistakes again. Make some notes about what went wrong and plans for what you can do next time, and you'll make it even longer next time.

We've got this!

DAY 1 - TRY 2

Pmo free day. I had couple thoughts crawling up my mind but they wasn't a big deal to handle. My aunt came to visit me for an week. It doesn't appeal to me I don't trust anybody and living with her under one roof can be challenging. Well family I did my calisthenics, dance a little, played nfs and of course hitted my Yoga session.
Is anybody here a fan of witcher? I just started reading a second book and I'm really into that.
See you tommorow buddies.

DAY 2 - TRY 2 - Meeting my ex

I met my ex yesterday, I don't really like her but she's cute i handled meet with her very well i was suprised myself. Usually I was facing anxiety during such a situations. I had couple fantasies about her crawling in my mind but i have put them away.

I have faced one frustrating thing. I was reading a book and i couldn't enjoy it because of this sex thoughts. To not be able to joyfully read a freaking book is fucking irritating. Anyways it was semi-though day but i handled that.

Cheers and may the Nofap be with you

DAY 3 - TRY 2

It was gooood day. I felt powerful, aware, concious and free. No urges, no pressure, no secual thoughts. I wish everyday was like that. I did everything what i had to do and even more

DAY 4 - TRY 2

It was so tiring day at work, then i had to hit social meeting and at the end hit my calithenics and Yoga session. I was sooooo tired u won't belive. It kept me from my sexual addiction tho Little urges at the end during unproductive scrolling youtube so i quickly ended it up and went to sleep. Next PMO free day.

DAY 5 - TRY 2

It is getting to be difficult. I feel those sexual thoughts crawling up my mind. I ignore them try not to follow them but i don't know how much i will stand against it. I know this story from other relapses. At the moment i will fantasies i will do only that for a week. Suffer from urges and I don't want that, God please.

Other than that i was at the theatre on "witcher" - way to many half naked girls, half naked dancing girls, damn it was arousing. I cannot enjoy such a peace of art because of my addiction, i cannot appreciate it. Only thing my mind tell me is "Sex Sex, Fap Fap, you remember that girl? What if she would do...."

FUCK

Hey Rakses,

First let me give you a warm welcome, I hope you will recoveras soon as possible and congrats for your 5 days!!

I saw this part of your last post:

Rakses said:

I know this story from other relapses. At the moment i will fantasies i will do only that for a week.

Click to expand...

I just wanted to tell you that it's hard, but to help you prevent fantasiesing try to get busy. Not playing video game or kill time on social media, try to prevent the use of any substitute to P.

The thing help me the most was meditating. It's alot easier to toss the fantasies now than before I start to meditate. It can be boring at first but when you get experienced a little bit, it's so soothing! By a bit I mean around 1-2 week of consistente meditation. I'm starting my second month of it. Otherwise, you just try to get busy, even taking a walk is better than staying home and do nothing(or fantasies).

The easier it is to toss the fantasies away, it mean less energy is require to do so, it mean that you have a lot more time to actually do something to prevent a relapse.

Just my tought on the subject

Keep at it and stay strong!!

Thank you rebooter2019.
Actually I already meditate. Been doing it for one and a half year now. My life has absolutely changed because of that.
I did as you did advice I took a walk did some stretching and kept myself busy. It worked thank you

DAY 6 - TRY 2
It am full of psychological disturbance. My head hurts. So much thought that it cause almost a physical pain for me. I feel horrible. My Yoga session helped me a bit. I feel urges coming to me... I try to look deep into myself I keep asking myself questions "do I need this" "why I seek for that" I begin to see a distance from myself and this sexual thoughts. I hope I will sustain.

My healthy habits start to collapse I start to eat junk food, I missed my calisthenics exercise, I returned to coffee. Is it a price that I have to pay to have energy to fight with addiction? Can someone help me and explain that? Thank you Good Soul

Bless you guys, love y'all

@Rakses, I'm really glad that it helped you. Here, it's currently we have around -30?C, so it's really chilling my urges when I go out 

Sorry that you feel like that! I think that everything is because of the drop in dopamine, thanks to this addiction, more than a price for it. Your brain is trying to get you by this mean. Try to push yourself for the gym cause it will release serotonine which is a soothing chemical in the brain. If I remember correctly when serotonine go up dopamine go down, so stop of the urges or at least mitigate them.

Hope that help and stay strong!

Rakses said:

DAY 6 - TRY 2
It am full of psychological disturbance. My head hurts. So much thought that it cause almost a physical pain for me. I feel horrible. My Yoga session helped me a bit. I feel urges coming to me... I try to look deep into myself I keep asking myself questions "do I need this" "why I seek for that" I begin to see a distance from myself and this sexual thoughts. I hope I will sustain.

My healthy habits start to collapse I start to eat junk food, I missed my calisthenics exercise, I returned to coffee. Is it a price that I have to pay to have energy to fight with addiction? Can someone help me and explain that? Thank you Good Soul

Bless you guys, love y'all

Click to expand...

I totally agree with what @Rebooter2019 has said. The brain is trying to trick you in going back to P. Be aware of this!! You can make a contingency plan for such situations. For now, Stay strong man, go exercise a bit, calm yourself and you'll get through this.

DAY 7 - TRY 2

I felt so powerless yesterday, no energy at all. I did more Yoga and meditation than usually. Other than that i missed my calisthenics (AGAIN), ate some chocolate, nachos with sauce (junk food AGAIN) and was playing Witcher 3 (finally >x<) or sleeping.
It can't be like that from today i come back on track thanks to others journals and my friends in here who share they knowledge and show me support.
Calisthenics, healthy food, quit coffee. no excuses. This addiction won't take from me what i have earned so far.
Change in lifestyle is as important as quitting this addiction.

Bless you and HAVE A GOOD MOTHERFUCKING DAY

Rakses said:

DAY 7 - TRY 2
Calisthenics, healthy food, quit coffee. no excuses. This addiction won't take from me what i have earned so far.
Change in lifestyle is as important as quitting this addiction.

Bless you and HAVE A GOOD MOTHERFUCKING DAY

Click to expand...

You can do it man!! We know it and you know it.
We're all with you 100%, get back on track stronger than ever and keep at it!!

DAY 8 - TRY 2

Weird day. I have existantial roller-coaster... I woke up as a blisfull human being then after couple hours I turned angry. Simply angry at nothing particular just angry. My mind became needy I easily get frustrated. Usually I am peaceful human being that's something new to me. During all this turmoil I had couple moments of soberness I just saw things the way they are why I Reboot why I do all this. Short small glimpses but how important. I still have fantasies about pretty girls I see from time to time but I know it is compulsive behaviour that it's not me.

I did everything I had to do this day. Weird day really
Looking forward to next days

DAY 9 - TRY 2

It was tough day mentaly to me. I had those fantasies about my ex all day. I feel like it was not my choice it just happens to me and i can't stop it.... I have faith that it will pass I have to be patient and persistent. I am tired because of this sexualized perception on my life...
I was frustrated whole day along, very needy i was. Anxiety starts to catch me I feel like a had a big bubble of shit above my head.

I did my Yoga and meditation session. I missed my calisthenics, recently i don't feel like doing it... I don't want to dance neither. I feel numb.