mobilfreak
Active Member
Okey, it was the 8th of october, i was at a seminar and listend about self delveloment and during one talk, i feeled alive for the first time for many year. I will describe the feeling as i finally felt i loved myself, and i could throw my old bad life away for good, its up to me. Im been depressed for long time, only some days before the seminar I had convinced myself to jump infront of a train. But at that seminar i changed my mind and i wanted to live. Im religous and had guilt for my faping and PMO'ing for long times, tried to quit, but always failed...
This time one the other hand it was different, i felt like i didnt care about what other people would think of me so i even confessed for my wife about my almost 20 year addiction and my decision to kill myself... She was chocked to hear i wanted to end my life, but she wanted to support med and help me... Thank u wonderfull wife!!
During that time i felt so good, I had controll over myself and i loved the life... My wife liked the new me and was rally happy about it.
It took 39 days, i felt sad, down again, and fell asleep. When I woke up I was M. and the good new me was gone, and the old one ruled my brain and some seconds later i was googling.
I counted it as a relapse, even if it started during my sleep. But then after that, its been so hard to find back to the new me again, and been relapsed again now a week later.
This is my first time with all this education from here and facts about addiction and all. Before i have just wondered why i couldnt stop even if i really wanted.
Now i need help and support to learn more about the struggle. I will reach my 90 days!!!
Any suggestions to get back the motivation, because right now im back to the old "well i did it already so i can do it again" i start again tomorrow. Im happy for the 39 days, its the best for many years. in 2005 i did 6 month.
now i m back to day 0
This time one the other hand it was different, i felt like i didnt care about what other people would think of me so i even confessed for my wife about my almost 20 year addiction and my decision to kill myself... She was chocked to hear i wanted to end my life, but she wanted to support med and help me... Thank u wonderfull wife!!
During that time i felt so good, I had controll over myself and i loved the life... My wife liked the new me and was rally happy about it.
It took 39 days, i felt sad, down again, and fell asleep. When I woke up I was M. and the good new me was gone, and the old one ruled my brain and some seconds later i was googling.
I counted it as a relapse, even if it started during my sleep. But then after that, its been so hard to find back to the new me again, and been relapsed again now a week later.
This is my first time with all this education from here and facts about addiction and all. Before i have just wondered why i couldnt stop even if i really wanted.
Now i need help and support to learn more about the struggle. I will reach my 90 days!!!
Any suggestions to get back the motivation, because right now im back to the old "well i did it already so i can do it again" i start again tomorrow. Im happy for the 39 days, its the best for many years. in 2005 i did 6 month.
now i m back to day 0