One day at a time.

My story:
I pride myself on my mental wellness. I was actually at my most emotionally healthy state when ED hit me. I was meditating, reading self-help books, journaling. I had just completed the 12 Steps of Al-Anon with a sponsor. I was dating a brilliant, beautiful young woman. I loved her and she loved me. Life was awesome.

We were in a long-distance relationship. Sex was great when we were together. When we weren't, I masturbated to online porn videos. I have been PMO since teens. The ratio of PMO to accurate sex with a person was 300:1 prior to this relationship. It being long distance, my ratio didn't change that much. I was never an all day, everyday masturbator. I never isolated socially. I never cheated on my girlfriend. I wasn't the guy saying, "Let's go to a strip club". So how could I have problem?

(2010) Then the day came, after two years of living in different states, my girlfriend and I moved in together. Within a month, I developed ED. I was in a state of shock. I was ashamed and deeply embarrassed. My penis was lifeless and I was scared. I was in denial. I blamed pet allergies. I blame hypothyroidism.  I took viagra and felt so defeated when it didn't give me a lasting erection. I started avoiding sex with my girlfriend. I didn't want to talk about it. She initiated and I declined.

I finally acknowledged that it was an emotion issue but I still left ashamed. I told no one. I went to a counselor but quit after 4 sessions. I ordered self-help books on ED but I didn't read them. I cut back on porn and was able to have sex here and there. My self-talk was often positive and encouraging. Sex in my mind was a performance. It was either successful or a failure. Struggling with ED made that worse. I forgot about pleasure and emotional connection.

My girlfriend was supportive. We got engaged and got married (2012). I was nervous about having sex on our wedding night, but it went ok. I only had ED once during our honeymoon.

After four month of marriage and little sex. She withdrew emotionally. I tried everything to keep her and make her happy. I never went to therapy and I never stopped PMO completely. Instead, I stayed up late, waiting for her to go to the bedroom alone so I didn't have to tell her that I couldn't have sex. Once she was asleep, I masturbated to porn on my cellphone. I knew I was only making the situation worse, but after three days with no erection, I felt I needed to know I could still get an erection. I took a big sigh of relief when I got an erection. I didn't realize how my actions affected her. My self-esteem was down. I started drinking more. I got fired from my job.

(2014) After only two years, she moved out. I cried and cried. My heart was broken. I made a commitment to myself to heal from the divorce. I made a plan to regain my emotional wellness. Sadly, I only gave it a half-hearted effort. Instead, I bought a house and focused my attention on projects. I didn't go to therapy, I read a 1/3 of a divorce self-help book, and went to two meetings of a divorce support group. I continued PMO. I realized that online video porn was particularly destructive. I felt my heart race when I typed sexual words in the search bar. I identified with the movie Don Jon by Joseph Gordon Levitt.

I cutback on video porn but never quit. I used magazines. Or I would only look at images but not videos. That led to gifs and back to videos. I became aware that my brain felt different after online porn. I felt zapped.

I read a little of the ED book. I learned that a performance mindset is problematic. They recommended focusing on pleasure. They also said that expecting sex to be amazing every time is unrealistic.

(2016) I started dating again. I was anxious about sex. I struggled to switch my mindset from performance to pleasure. Sex was okay. It is hard to have an emotional connect when in your mind you're thinking, "You can do it, don't lose it. What will you say if you lose it. She'll know and ask what happened."

(2017) I started being haunted by visualizations of a bent penis. This freaked me out and got me into a therapist's office. I told him everything.  I told him that my favorite porn was the coercive casting couch. He suggested I stop masturbating completely. It worked. I stopped going to therapy after only 5 sessions. It felt good to finally talk about it but it was too expensive, I thought.

(2018) After a few weeks of successful sex and no more haunting visuals. I return to porn with magazines. I started following a lot of beautiful woman and risque instagram pages. I developed a craving for adult humor memes.

(November 2019) This week, my ED has returned. I feel dead below the waist. Yesterday, I unfollowed those instagram pages. Today, I am writing this post.

All the best to everyone.

What I have learned:

The following factors that are relevant for me.

Shame - I am realizing that I have a low view of myself. Paradoxically, I also have a high view of myself. My self-talk is often positive. I enjoy a lot of my personality traits like humor. But I also consider myself a failure and inferior to friends and family members. I think part of my shame comes from bad life experiences like my divorce and being fired. I also think that I have had shame since a child. Another factor is that on a daily basis I do things that I am embarrassed of - little things like showing up to work late. These actions are small but they perpetuate a mindset that says, "The rules don't apply to me" which is connected to "Life is unfair because I am inferior" and "If I don't break the rules, I won't be able to compete with normal people". When I first experience ED, I thought, "How could this happen to me?". Now looking at my personal shame, it makes sense. ED is fueled in part by my shame. Masturbating doesn't have to be a shameful hobby, but for me it is. I have a roommate so I hide in my room. I watch coercive porn that degrades women. This is below my moral standards. When I am done, I get rid of the evidence. This routine re-enforces shame.

Performance Mindset - I got my pleasure from PMO, so I figured that when it was time for sex with a human, the gentlemanly thing would be to focus on her. I adopted a performance mindset. I want to last a long time and give her an O. This mindset, I believe contributed to my ED. When ED hit, I double-down on the performance mindset. It was about my personal pleasure, I wanted to O to prove that I could. The thought process during sex was like a pep talk which is not healthy, imo.

What I've learned continued...

Address shame - As I mentioned, masturbating doesn't have to be a shame-triggering experience. But when I sneak around, lie about it or keep it a secret, and view P that is distasteful, then it is no wonder that I am feeling shame while participating in an act that I tell myself is pleasurable and relaxing. How relaxed could I be if the sound of foot steps can trigger panic? It is no wonder that sex and shame are connected in my mind. When ED hit, I was ashamed of my impotence. I didn't have the courage to tell my girlfriend that I watched so much porn that it fried my brain.
Moving forward, I want to decrease my participation in actions that trigger shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I feel embarrassed when I show up to work late. I feel embarrassed when I spend beyond my means. I feel guilt when I don't speak assertively. How will my self-image change if I arrive on time, stick to a budget, and speak my mind confidently? I want to find out. This can only help my PIED.

Pleasure mindset - My sex game got the job done until it didn't. I used my fingers and penis. When my penis failed, I gave up on sex. I didn't develop other sex skills like cunnilingus. I didn't adapt. I just gave up. I stopped having sex with my girlfriend and continued to watch porn. My mindset was on performance. When my dick went soft, I considered the whole event a failure.
Moving forward, I want to have a pleasure mindset. I learned even men without ED experience impotence from time to time. The key is to roll with it. I can be honest with my partner and transition to oral. If my partner climaxes, I'm less like to consider the night a complete loss. Impotence followed by giving up sends my thoughts into a shame spiral.
I always felt a little pressure to perform in the bed. I never asked my partner for anything. When ED hit, the pressure became more intense. I still never thought of asking my partner to help me get and stay aroused. I am learning that it is okay to ask for things like a blow job.
TBH, my partner could improve her sex skills. By giving up at the first sense of softness, I am denying her an opportunity to pleasure me.

I knew a while ago that online videos were frying my brain. I limited myself to online images and gifs. That made a little difference but not a full recovery. Then I realized that it was the glowing screen that I needed to avoid. So I limited myself to magazines and imagination. My libido improved but I never felt fully rebooted. Every time, I orgasmed during intercourse with my girlfriend, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I started looking for x-rated memes. I justified it by saying that I was sending them to friends. I was essentially looking at porn at work. I became nervous every time someone used by phone because I had risque images saved in the photo library. I cut back on the adult memes but started following instagram models and watching ass-shacking videos.
I see now that this weakened my libido.
For the last 3 weeks my libido has been near zero. My penis is lifeless. It is depressing feeling so light down there. In response, I created this account and posted these entries. I also unfollowed the IG models. I have not PMO in three weeks but I have been tempted.
Reading your posts and success stories has taught me that I am normal and I am recovering. I said that to myself on my drive to work. This is normal. I am recovering.

I am writing and reading to gain support. I find it helps keep my thoughts more positive. I have self-defeating thoughts about ED constantly. When I go to the bathroom and my dick is dead, I think negatively. When I walk, sit down, or stand up and sense a lack of girth, I think negatively. When I am not mentally engaged in an activity, my thoughts turn to my lifeless dick and I worry that this ED is going to last a long time. I want this whole thing to be over. I want to have a normal sex life. Haven't I suffered enough?
Reading post helps me set realistic expectations. I consider that my first MO was with a video porn. I PMO for years before being with a woman. Due to being single and long distance relationships, 2019 was the first year that sex with a person out-numbered PMO and I am 36 years old. So neurologically, in my brain sex = PMO.
From this site, I am learning the PIED is very common. But how common? Why me and not others? Either a lot of people aren't talking about this or there are factors that have made me more vulnerable.
I read stories of men taking immediate, decisive action after experiencing PIED. I wish I had done that years ago. I have been struggling with this for over 9 years. Today, I am commitment to not engaging in PMO or MO.
I am attending biweekly counseling sessions but I am not ready to talk about this with my old female counselor. This site is my outlet and I feel better every time I read and write.

Hello Easter1916
You will find support here. Lots of other people trying to quit porn with different takes on it and new tactics that worked for them. And you?re right, PIED seems pretty common, at least on here. I find it emasculating, it makes me feel like less of a man and I would venture that is the main reason guys don?t talk about it. I found it very uncomfortable discussing even with a doctor.  It weighs heavy on the mind during day to day living too, you?re not alone in that.
Congratulations on pursuing therapy and taking steps to a better understanding of yourself!

Edit_undo said:

Hello Easter1916
You will find support here. Lots of other people trying to quit porn with different takes on it and new tactics that worked for them. And you?re right, PIED seems pretty common, at least on here. I find it emasculating, it makes me feel like less of a man and I would venture that is the main reason guys don?t talk about it. I found it very uncomfortable discussing even with a doctor.  It weighs heavy on the mind during day to day living too, you?re not alone in that.
Congratulations on pursuing therapy and taking steps to a better understanding of yourself!

Click to expand...

Having a dead dick at an age when this should never happen is definitely very depressing. Of course it's fucking difficult to discuss it, yes even with a doctor. It's that feeling like he is looking at you and thinking "Wtf? He is not an old man."

*she. She is looking at you thinking wtf? He is not old. My doc or intern I saw was near enough in age that in a parallel universe we could be meeting socially. That made it worse, to me.

Edit_undo & wecandoit

Thanks for replies. It is unfortunate that this is happening to so many. I do feel better knowing that I am not along. I went to a doctor and felt ashamed. Thankfully, it was a male doctor. Totally wouldn't have shared that with a female doctor.

I threw away my magazine collection yesterday. After realizing that online porn videos were zapping my brain, I figured imagination and real magazines are innocuous. Today, I want to avoid all sexually explicit material.

I went a massage therapist this afternoon. That was positive. I think I am more anxious that I feel. That is, I think I am tense and stressed unconsciously. It is too easy for me to disconnect from my emotions. Writing and reading here helps. I might journal a little too. Thanks again for support! ! !

I want to write about two topics - coercive porn and oral sex. Before I started writing this post, I googled "coercive porn" to a) see if I spelled it correctly, and b) to check that is an appropriate term for it. You'd guess that a bunch of links for porn videos populated. My heart started racing as I looked for an article about this genre. I successfully avoided the temptation to click on the videos. Though I have had total dead dick for a month, there is no doubt that one of those videos would have me rock hard in 10 seconds.

Coercive Porn - First, I do not mean to sound preachy. What follows is my opinion based on my personal experience. I am talking about the infamous casting couch - the black fake-leather two-person couch. There are billions of videos online. I watched casting couch because I got off on the manipulation. When I decided to cut back on PMO and just do MO, I fantasized about the coercion. I imagined the act of intercourse but also the fact that these woman were tricked. I wasn't as aroused by the videos of woman that seemed willing. I got off on the woman who genuinely thought this was an interview. I got off on their look of confusion and hesitation. If these videos are fake, if the young woman in these videos are pretending to be coerced, then they had me fooled. By stopping PMO, I am also ceasing my exposure to scenarios of exploiting vulnerable human beings. I hope that people who know me IRL would be shocked to discover that I enjoy this genre. Today, I am rebooting. I am not PMO or MO. I am only having human intercourse with my girlfriend. If I MO in the future, I want my imagination to be realistic. I want the scenarios to be of unequivocal consensual sex.

Oral with girlfriend - I am currently experiencing PIED. Performance anxiety is a big factor. I plan to encourage oral sex so that a) there is less pressure on be to become physical aroused and b) we as a couple can become more versatile.

You should first of all give yourself all the time you need to heal while being abstinent from PMO. I read in a success story that you are flatlining and thinking about it all the time. Don't (well, sometimes easier said than done). The flatline will pass and things will return back to functioning again. You wouldn't cry everyday about your leg being in a cast because it's broken that it's broken, would you? You are HEALING now but that will take some time. Some will recover faster than others, maybe 120 days is already enough for you?

Regarding the oral: I once read, and therefore always pass the info, that sex therapists recommend in case of very strong performancy anxiety (and most PIED people have that on top of the PIED) that you should get intimate with your partner fully naked and you are allowed to do anything but actual penetration. So take away the performance part and just focus on being nice and playful with each other. Make her and her lust the center of your attention and get comfortable again with being sexual. Your gf won't complain about that...

All the best!

Pete McVries said:

You should first of all give yourself all the time you need to heal while being abstinent from PMO. I read in a success story that you are flatlining and thinking about it all the time. Don't (well, sometimes easier said than done). The flatline will pass and things will return back to functioning again. You wouldn't cry everyday about your leg being in a cast because it's broken that it's broken, would you? You are HEALING now but that will take some time. Some will recover faster than others, maybe 120 days is already enough for you?

Regarding the oral: I once read, and therefore always pass the info, that sex therapists recommend in case of very strong performancy anxiety (and most PIED people have that on top of the PIED) that you should get intimate with your partner fully naked and you are allowed to do anything but actual penetration. So take away the performance part and just focus on being nice and playful with each other. Make her and her lust the center of your attention and get comfortable again
with being sexual. Your gf won't complain about that...

All the best!

Click to expand...

Thanks Pete! I am hearing you basically say "Take it slow and have realistic expectations" and I appreciate that. I'm actively thinking to myself, "The flatline will pass". That helps me take a deep breath. I really appreciate the feedback.

Ten Days In. Flatlining. This is what I am doing in addition to no PMO, no MO.

1. Reading, posting, replying in this forum.
2. Reading a book on healthy sexuality called Sexual Awareness
3. Talk openly with girlfriend.
4. Avoid sexual content online.
5. Decrease cellphone use in general.
6. Monitor self-talk and counter criticism with positivity.
7. Address other bad habits that trigger self-criticism/shame.
8. Focus on goals.
9. Take a deep breath.
10. Exercise, drink water, decrease caffeine, decrease alcohol, and get good sleep.

1. This is the most helpful. I find it inspiring, cathartic, and educational.
2. This book helps me set realistic expectations. It also challenges myths that I've had about sex.
3. This is the hardest for me. I am building the courage to be honest.
4. I use to look at x-rated memes, booty shaking videos, and followed instagram models. No more. I also threw away all my adult magazines. I was not happy when I did it. Now I am relaxed knowing there is no incriminating evidence in my house. Search my sock draw, you'll find nothing objectionable, lol.
5. I used to start my day with 30 minutes of mindless scrolling. One day at a time, I am getting up and moving.
6. I am learning that I can be pretty hard on myself. People that know me see me as positive and understanding. But my inter-dialogue is harsh. Regarding flatlining, I repeat to myself, "This is normal. I am healing".
7. I have several bad habits like tardiness and spending beyond my budget. I have done these things for years and years. And for years and years I have criticized myself and felt guilt. I want to decrease negative thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. The best way is to be on-time and to stick to a budget - one day at a time.
8. I want morning wood again. I want healthy libido. I want zero credit card debt. I want money in savings. I want positive self-talk. I want confidence.

Thats good!