Hi.

My name is Michael. I've been at this for at least 5 years. Gotten to 88 days once. This is a pretty pivotal period of time I feel, and I know deep down that I need to be successful with overcoming this pornography/masturbation dependency if I want to fully realize my potential.

I think contributing to and participating on this forum will help a lot. I welcome any and all discussion on my journal, and I will make it a point to respond to replies whenever appropriate.

Thanks a lot. Looking forward to what comes.

Best,



Michael

By the way, I'm 31. Currently living in Midwest USA. Have big dreams of learning Japanese and moving to Tokyo next fall. This is a good marker to place to see what happens over the next year or so.

Let's go....

Checking in.

Women want competent men. I know I'm intelligent, but I've been wasting so much and throwing so much away. This journey is the ultimate in re-calibrating this notion. No more waste. Trim the fat. Time to be meticulous. Time to be great.

Stay strong everyone.

Checking in.

Fucked up. Relapsed. Get back on the horse I guess.

Stay strong Michael. Side note, I recommend the language learning app Duolingo. I am using it for Spanish.

I also recommend checking in on this forum. I have been posting for over a week. It is helping me. When I made my first post, I didn't think I'd being checking in so frequently. I feel sad throughout the day, everyday, because of the flatlining. This is a healthy outlet that prevents me from wallowing in self-pity.

Learning Japanese sounds awesome. I admire your ambition.

NoTurningFapNow said:

Stay strong Michael. Side note, I recommend the language learning app Duolingo. I am using it for Spanish.

I also recommend checking in on this forum. I have been posting for over a week. It is helping me. When I made my first post, I didn't think I'd being checking in so frequently. I feel sad throughout the day, everyday, because of the flatlining. This is a healthy outlet that prevents me from wallowing in self-pity.

Learning Japanese sounds awesome. I admire your ambition.

Click to expand...

Thanks for reading and offering your support. I have several resources that are much better than Duolingo (for Japanese, it is actually not very good) but I don't practice regularly. I should be doing that instead of, as you say, wallowing. I'm going to basically just do some mind-numbing stuff this evening (obviously not porn) and tomorrow spend the whole day cleaning my space. It's gotten out of hand, and I know that my dirty living arrangements are not contributing to my journey in a positive way.

Again, thanks very much for reaching out. And you're right, I should engage on this platform more often. It is a healthier outlet when compared to reddit.

All the best to you. Hope we can continue a dialogue from time to time.

Checking in.

So I've been talking some with this Japanese woman online, we have met before and we know each other to some extent. We have had moments of deep connection, but we also have these weird flair-up moments where we just don't resonate well via Skype messages. Tonight was one of those moments.

Now, granted, I am fried right now and a bit down since I had a pretty poor day in terms of realizing that my work ethic in school has been total shit, and that I lay a lot of that at the feet of relapsing a few days ago, not exercising, eating junk, etc., so I know that I'm not really in a great mindset right now. And that she is right to some extent regarding what she was saying about not listening fully. It's not as if I wasn't intending to listen to her though. And I feel like instead of being met with compassion, I was just lectured to.

Anyways, it's a solid moment of not wanting to relapse at all, because I have an exam on Saturday morning that I need to prepare for tomorrow. So about to head home, take a relaxing shower, and get some deep sleep. Wake up tomorrow, go to the gym, meditate, crush this studying, and then crush the exam on Saturday.

It's possible there is more reaching her awareness about your attitudes towards women and communication in general that stems from your addiction than you realise. I don't think you should be too indignant about this. What you should be considering is whether you are good relationship material at this stage, or whether you are using her as rehabilitation material. If you suspect your readiness or motivations regarding her, let her go and do some more work on yourself. I don't know how much this applies to you, but for somebody who just relapsed, I'm inclined to think you are not fully aware of how you are coming across to her. Being an addict results in self-centered behaviour and lack of awareness and sensitivity to others. Maybe have a think about it.

I've been shitting the bed when it comes to commitment of abstaining from porn. I'm feeling pretty defeated. Looking forward to going back to my hometown and resting a lot over this winter break from school.

Something's gotta change. I can't live like this anymore.

No one can go straight line on this. Up and down, Up and down.

Let's make another few days. Then, make a "longer" few days.  8)