Once more with feeling!

I never know how to start a long post like this so I guess I'll just launch into it. This is actually my second go at this sight. I tried it a few years ago but I want really committed to it so I think I posted like 3 times and then quit. It's been a bit and my addiction has not changed in the least. I've been lying to my wife about this addiction basically forever. Every time I would get caught I would say I was going to quit and then immediately go back to it again. Honestly I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I'm going cold turkey right now but that's only because I don't have any actual way to get access. If I'm being honest with myself if I knew of a way to partake I know I would. My wife thinks it's because I don't think she's the most beautiful thing ever but I don't know how to explain she's wrong. I don't know how to fix what's wing with me. I need help but I don't know how too get it. We can't afford therapy right now and honestly I've had that before and it didn't stop me. How do I stop the constant needling in my brain that I need to go and look at these videos? I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.

Ok so more background stuff today. I'm 30 and I'm pretty sure I've had this addiction since I was about 16? I don't know it's hard to tell when I would have considered it an addiction but if say it was pretty bad from the very beginning. I had a pretty crappy childhood so it was a great way to go my brain with the happy chemicals. When I moved out of my parents house was when it was the most steady I think. Honestly it never registered as a problem until I got into a relationship with my wife. At first I thought today she was just over reacting. I mean everyone does this I can't think of anyone that doesn't look things up online. The problem was that even though I knew it was hurting her that I didn't stop. I would tell myself, ok that was there last one you don't need this it's fine. But it never was fine.

Hi Zukaikari. That sounds harsh! It's bad enough that this stuff messes with us, it also hurts the loved ones around us.

I've found Universal Man's series on sexual self-mastery to be very helpful. I highly recommend it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J55TZ0JaJXY&list=PL38uJEf-kRcaI0d2I9M_IjGWMFkHk8qCC

Educate yourself, transform yourself, become who you want to be. You can do this if you put time and energy into it! I wish the best for you.

I think the biggest thing I would like to get advice about is how to actually stop being addicted. How do I stop the impulses? How do I know when I'm good? Like I said I'm going cold turkey but I don't feel any better. I've been reading other journals and it sounds like people are getting better just days after they stop. I'm so tired all the time. I feel like a pressure in my head that won't go away. Maybe it's because I had been doing it for so long.

That's why it's important not only to stop, but also begin. I mean to say that you need to start a series of new activities and habits in your life, because it's these things that the addiction has previously been "taking care of". Maybe it's not helpful to dwell too much about feeling, but try to put your energies into doing things, particularly with other people (social events, activities, sports, etc.).

Things will get worse before they get better. The addicted mind has become used to use weak signals to tell you about its cravings because it gets them "fulfilled" so easily. Now that you remove the "fulfillment", your head will go crazy for a little bit, send you stronger and stronger cravings out of desperation; but you want that to happen, because you want that addicted part of you to wither and die.

Thank you for saying that. I was thinking about that today actually. After having a long talk with my wife I think I finally understand what I need to do. I've been hiding behind the addiction this whole time. Using it as a reason to say it's too hard to change. I'm not doing that anymore. I will put all my energy into not wanting it. Not because I'm addicted but because I really don't want it in my life ever again! It's going to sick for awhile but that means it's working. And I need to hold on to that. Starting today, it will not tolerate my life for one minute longer.

That you talked with you wife about this and that you're willing to put all you energy shows commitment. You will need to make this your no. 1 priority for the next 2-3 months if you're going to get over the worst.

Imagine how much better you will be without this! If you can beat this, you can do _anything_. Imagine all the things you'll be able to do with more focus, more energy, more compassion, more vulnerability, more intimacy, more strength, more discipline, more intelligence. Working through this you need to burn away the part of you that's tied to this addiction, that is a lot of negative energy; so in response, you need to work up the positive energy. One way is exactly imagining who your ideal self--free from PMO--and what that person really will be like; how will he spend his time; how will he behave towards other people, etc. I think quitting PMO is a serious transformation that goes to the depths of one's soul, character, or being (whatever you want to call it), but this transformation needs all the help it can get. One such is exactly forging a new identity for yourself. I hope you keep coming back to this journal and write down your development, because I think it's a great tool.

Hey so it's been about a week since I posted last. I've had a busy time and I haven't been able to get my thoughts in order but now I'm back! Things are still kinda rough, the depressive cycle is still in full effect. Taking so much will power just to get out of bed anymore. But I'm pushing through and I think I'm doing ok so far. I'm nowhere near cured obviously but I'm feeling like things are going to be ok. I need to start paying on other journals I haven't done that yet. It's hard to know what to say to other people when I haven't even made that much progress myself yet. I guess just talking to others in a good start.

Hello again everyone. I'm not sure what to say tonight. I'm keeping clean so I guess that's what matters. I had a really good night today actually. My wife and I just hung out at home watched doctor who played video games it was nice. She even made me cookies! You know this world is wack isn't it? All the insanity that goes on every day, things are always stressful and money is constantly am issue. And then with this addiction it just seems hopeless sometimes. And then there are days when it just seems like everything is going to work out. I'm not big on religion in any form but, sometimes I think that who it whatever is in charge of things, just wants to give a break. It's a nice thought.