34 year old virgin with PIED

Hey all,

First time posting and really committing to getting off pmo. I'm 34 years old, been using pmo for about 7 years, and I'm technically a virgin. This is not my first time trying to stop, but it's definitely my most serious so far, driven by the realization that I have PIED.

I grew up very faithful LDS (Mormon) and sex before marriage wasn't allowed. Around the time I started pmo I was starting to question my religion, but not enough to totally blow through that rule so I started using pmo, figuring it was a harmless "compromise".

Over the past 7 years, I noticed a gradual decrease in my erection response. I used to get hard just kissing or touching a girl, but began to notice that even with intense making out I got nothing. As I continued to distance myself from my religion I did engage in oral a couple of times but I couldn't maintain the erection long at all. I chalked that up to performance anxiety since I was new. There even began to be a delayed/weakened response to pmo (and pretty much no response without the porn part of that equation) but I didn't think much of it.

A couple months ago I finally decided that I was not going to be LDS anymore and that I was open to sex. A couple weeks ago I met a girl, got her number, and then went out with her last weekend. We actually ended up back at my place. This girl was absolutely gorgeous. And nothing. I could not get an erection (maybe at one point got like 30% of one, but that's it.)

That's when I finally admitted I have PIED and have to make a change.

Friday, November 1 was my day one. I nearly/partially relapsed on the night of day 7 when I woke up in the middle of the night. Depends how you define it, I guess. Woke up horny, looked up some safe for work bikini images and began masturbating but somehow backed off prior to orgasm. I'm actually not totally sure if that's considered relapse or not but I'm giving myself a little more leeway for week 1.

I have tried stopping a handful of times before (mostly early on for moral reasons) and I found that my biggest problem is that I would do pretty well during the daytimes but sometimes would wake up horny in the middle of the night, and my decision making skills and self control just tend to be a lot weaker when that happens. Then of course once I relapsed in one of those situations, it would open the floodgates for the next couple of days.  Anyone have that experience and any tips for beating that?

In any event, I'm actually really excited to make this change. Right now I'm feeling super strong and motivated but I know that there will be some tough days. This is my first time using a site like this for support, so nice to meet you all.

Wish me luck!

I just finished day 14, first time since I started using pmo that I have gone 2 full weeks. I'm actually feeing awesome. Did have some pretty strong cravings around days 9-12, but they have subsided a little since then.

I've also spent almost every night for as long as I can remember (long before I started pmo) falling asleep to fantasies. I decided to stop that about 7 days ago, and even though there was a spike in cravings a few days later, I think it's helped me not relapse. I'm basically trying to avoid thinking about sex unless I'm actually in the presence of an attractive female and it feels like it's making it a lot easier to not stumble into pmo, since a lot of times I would just start thinking and then that would progress.

I have't stopped using instagram or dating apps, but if I find myself stumbling across a photo that triggers me even a little bit I just keep scrolling or close the app and go look at or do something else. Seems to push the trigger to the background and let me forget about it.

If I do start to feel anything rising up, I will go on youtube and search for videos about rebooting/pied/nofap and just listen to those for a bit. Sometimes I'll just listen to them while I'm falling asleep. Definitely seems to help, especially the pied ones since they remind me why I started this.

I also talked to a friend who I knew had talked about trying to quit porn in the past (back when we were both LDS) and we decided to be accountability partners 3 days ago. We've started just texting in the morning whether we made it through the prior day successfully or not. So far we're 3 for 3.

Overall, I'm just feeling generally a lot better since starting, and pretty confident about my ability to continue. I know from other people's stories that challenges will come up, so just trying to figure out good strategies to make those easier to make it through.

Good job on your first clean two weeks. Great job on opening up to your friend and being accountability partners.

As always, I recommend reading the Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. By now, we all know the basics of science and studies related to porn and what it does to the brain and body. Matt's book explores more ethical and moral topics and raises some very good questions. Even though, he is a christian he does it in a non religious way. A must read in my mind that will strenghten your will to persist and move on from PMO.

Take care!

First off, thanks Pete! Appreciate the support.

Yesterday was day 21, so three weeks through. It's crazy to me that I've gotten this far. Over the past 7 years, other than a 10 day trip away with friends where we shared hotel rooms, I've only had one other stint over 10 days, think it was about 12. Most of my other attempts have failed in under a week and the urges felt impossible to overcome.

I felt some of that early on this time but it's actually feeling a lot easier now. Of course, admitting I have PIED has been a lot more motivating than just generically trying to stop.

I'm possibly in a mild flatline, seems like libido is down in addition to urges. Luckily, still feeling really good emotionally. My accountability partner incidentally has also been clean since we started our daily check-ins.

Hoping I'll start experiencing some of the physical benefits soon.

Great work man! Keep it up.

I can relate to falling asleep to fantasies, that's something for me to work on cutting out too. Glad to hear you cut it out, that's inspiration for me to do it as well. I also have my toughest times waking up in the night. I haven't come up with a total solution to that, but cutting out the fantasy before bed seems to decrease it. Another thing that helps is wearing more clothing to sleep. Like tighter underwear and some pants ( I bet ones with a drawstring would be awesome, not too restrictive but would need to untie). This sometimes would allow me to catch myself since it takes more effort to um you know lol.

Good call on looking away from trigger photos on dating apps, I would proceed with caution on the apps. As for me when I got longer streaks and urges popped up they became a problem. So just be catious about them, aware and maybe have rules for how long and when you go on them.

Keep going strong! Just keep doing what you are doing and stay vigilant!

Thanks dude. I actually deleted all my dating apps except Coffee Meets Bagel a couple days ago, since it doesn't really have the trigger of just swiping through infinite hot girls, it just gives you a few a day. Doesn't seem as problematic as the others, though honestly I may delete it too and just try to focus more on personal development for a while.

logicprox said:

Thanks dude. I actually deleted all my dating apps except Coffee Meets Bagel a couple days ago, since it doesn't really have the trigger of just swiping through infinite hot girls, it just gives you a few a day. Doesn't seem as problematic as the others, though honestly I may delete it too and just try to focus more on personal development for a while.

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Yeah, just delete it man. As much as you might tell yourself that this app is tame and harmless, when you read a description of a woman, your brain is going to start constructing an image of what they might look like, based on the information you have at hand, and your preferred type - which has been heavily influenced by porn.  And if you do that with dozens of profiles, you are getting a hit with each one of them and it adds up. It encourages fantasising and that keeps to dopamine stimulation alive, even if it's less hardcore than what you used to look at. Better to just shut the door on that and eliminate the risk.

Great man, sounds like a good plan. I think your instinct is right about deleting that one too. Dating apps could be okay for some, but the experience of a lot of guy is, at some point our brains will want to use the dating apps as a dopamine boost. Not to scare you or make it seem like you can't control it. But the time can be better spent on other things anyways. Like you said personal development.

You could idk go take dance classes or yoga classes, lots of women there. Go there not even trying to meet a woman. You'll gain a lot, develop yourself and in that process you very well may get dates.

Finally though, something that is a problem for us may not be for you, so maybe it could be good to use the app in moderation, I'd just recommend tracking your use and posting any little thing that goes wrong.

Me for example, I used tinder for like a year (little results, but rare problems) then during a long streak I just got a strong urge, started swipping like crazy relapsed, then each new streak tinder became a bigger problem and a full on part of my addiction. (I'd try and bring the pmo fetish bs into the real world). So I can NEVER use it again or likely any online dating. Aside from the huge problems compulsively checking it became like step 1) of my relapses. So just track and make sure it doesn't become a problem.

Edit: For dating purposes apparently there are companies that will run the dating profile for you lol. Not a bad idea lol. Especially if the only aim is to get dates/practice.

Well, somewhat of a setback today, day 27. I got off work early and I've been sick so I was trying to take a nap but sleep wasn't coming. And I MO'd. I didn't use porn. I was fantasizing about some girls from real life. I came very close to looking up one of their instagrams but didn't. Not super stoked about it, but I don't have the gross depressing feeling I usually have after PMO.

Since my main goal is to stay from porn, I'm not beating myself up about it, and I don't think I'm resetting my counter (it was always intended to be a days away from porn counter, not an MO counter), but I don't want to repeat, and I do have some concern that it may have set my progress back a little, or that there could be a chaser effect. Need to be smarter going forward.

Edit: After some thought, I'm going to reset my "counter". I kind of have two, one on my desktop where I'm listing out daily "results" in terms of PIED, and one on the Fortify Program site. Since Fortify is specific to porn, I'm going to keep that counter going as is. But for the one on my desktop I will report it as a reset and will also be informing my accountability partner about it. I think it's important for me to consider it a reset and tell him so that I don't treat this as "ok" and start doing it regularly, since I think that will impede my progress.

I identify with your story. I have unfollowed models on Instagram and am being more cautious with my internet use. I am over 2 weeks with no PMO. Like you, I am using this site for daily support, motivation, and serenity. This helps me believe in myself, believe in recovery.

Yesterday was 30 days without porn, day 3 starting again on no MO. My libido has dropped off so it's honestly pretty easy right now. I still have kind of flash triggers where my brain remembers "this is a situation where I usually use" but the desire to do it isn't really there. Morning wood isn't all the way back but based on my daily tracker it's definitely trending towards more frequency and harder. I even had a day couple days ago where it was almost fully there.

I'm feeling like I need to start rewiring with females. Probably too soon to try for sex, but at least need a little physical connection I think. Unfortunately I deleted all my dating apps so going to have to figure out how to meet women in real life. It's weird, before dating apps I did that all the time but I feel like I've forgotten how. But I guess I'll just have to figure it out.

logicprox said:

Yesterday was 30 days without porn, day 3 starting again on no MO. My libido has dropped off so it's honestly pretty easy right now. I still have kind of flash triggers where my brain remembers "this is a situation for I usually use" but the desire to do it isn't really there. Morning wood isn't all the way back but based on my daily tracker it's definitely trending towards more frequency and harder. I even had a day couple days ago where it was almost fully there.

I'm feeling like I need to start rewiring with females. Probably too soon to try for sex, but at least need a little physical connection I think. Unfortunately I deleted all my dating apps so going to have to figure out how to meet women in real life. It's weird, before dating apps I did that all the time but I feel like I've forgotten how. But I guess I'll just have to figure it out.

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Definitely do it in real life. Apps are lame - they're a symptom of how uncourageous technology has made us. People want a certain thing already preconfigured on an app - it's the opposite of healthy human interaction. Risk is part of the experience. PMO is safe and secure too. It's all lame. Good on you for being willing to do it the old fashioned way!

Sorry about the MO. But great that it did not escalate and you 100% made the right decision to reset that counter. It's odd whenever people try and play around with the counter, in terms of like changing what it means trying to make a lapse not a lapse a relapse ALWAYS follows, often the opposite when you keep it strict. I can't say 100% why that is, but it always is. You probably saved yourself from a full on bad situation.


Yeah man, dating women'll be great. Screw apps, real life'll do. Speed dating is underrated too, if you want to give it a try to get some interactions in . Remember, you don't need a girl now. It's great to move toward that but be ready for not getting a girl right away or it feeling "impossible" the addicted brain plays that trick on many of us. (Even happened to me yestarday). " I need a girl now!.... omg no girl.... I'll go back to pmo!". It makes no goddamn sense written like that ( it really is illogical) but it feels so real in the moment. So be prepped for being patient and getting girls when it happens.

All the work you put in to getting a girl in the real world will develop you and take you farther and farther away from pmo. It's not just about the destination, getting the goal it's about the journey. Dating apps, aside from being addiction fodder, rob you of that experience to grow.

So...mixed feelings about last night. First off, I've now MO'd without porn 3 times in about 40 days (I'll do the real math later), all in the last 3 weeks, which I'm not stoked on, but again no porn. But last night was unique.

I woke up in the middle of the night with maybe a 10% erection but feeling horny, so I started imagining an after-date with this girl I'm going out with later this week. My erection got to probably 70-80% just from the thoughts (no touching) and then I MO'd.

I wish I hadn't done that but I'm happy about 2 things:

1. I didn't use porn. For the last 7 years if I woke up like that I would have.
2. I COULD do that. 40 days ago I got no erection response from my imagination. So I'm thinking that's a good sign that my brain is beginning to get over this PIED thing. I'm sure I still have a long ways to go, but it's noticeable progress.

I told my accountability partner about the MO, and will do better.

Last night was a super close call. I even debated calling it a relapse but decided it was more a success.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling horny, and although, I can't remember it, I feel like I had a dream or something because I had a very particular type of porn in mind. Interestingly, not one I have historically used much. That said, I started fantasizing about a girl I know (not in terms of that type of porn) and down the M road for maybe a minute (for the record, once again the erection response to fantasy has gotten so much better, so that's good...). Then I backed off, but the porn that was on mind when I woke up came back, and I googled it. I scrolled through videos really fast to one that did not have nudity in the thumbnail but was clearly headed there and I opened it. I only watched a few seconds of it, pre-nudity, and then closed it and put my phone down.

Then I went back to fantasizing (about the girl I know, not the porn) and starting to M again, but backed off after a few seconds, and turned my thoughts elsewhere. I'm considering it a success because I didn't end up MOing, and I stopped the video fairly quickly. I'm sure it is still going to have some negative impact on my recovery, but not nearly as much as if I had finished and also MOd to it (or after it).

So now root cause analysis. For most of my current streak I had stopped fantasizing before bed, but over the last two weeks I've been gradually letting it become more and more common for me to do it, to where in the last week it's been most nights. I'm recommitting to not fantasizing before bed. Also considering putting my phone further away from me at night so I'd have to get up and go get it.

Knowing I'm 43 days into not PMOing (even with a couple half slips ups) definitely came into my mind and helped me back off, but knowing I'd have to tell my friend/accountability partner was definitely another factor, so I'm really glad I got him to do that or it's likely I would have relapsed last night.

Weeks 3-4 were not super hard for me, but the last couple the urges have started to recover some, so going to have to implement more strategies to make it through this period. Besides the above on fantasizing and moving my phone, I think I'll start listening to more podcasts/radios/other material on the effects of porn, PIED success stories, etc, before bed and even throughout the day like I did in the first two weeks when the urges were really strong. I also told my accountability partner I would start letting him know in the moment when I'm at risk. Not with any expectation that he will always be able to immediately respond, but as kind of a pre-accountability thing.

Anyways, super glad I made it through last night ok but it was definitely a wake up call I intend to use to energize the next 47 days so I can get to 90 PMO free.

Yesterday marked 60 days since I started the effort to cut out PMO. I've MOd 4 times since my last post, which makes 6 times in the last 34 days. I've also made the mistake of looking up a few images/videos. For the most part, non-nude, though accidentally came across some just scrolling through and in ads and such. Never clicked into any of those. That said, obviously super risky and not great for recovery. That said, I have not MOd directly to any images. However, I think it still continues to use the porn pathways if I look at something (even non-nude), put it away, but then MO.

I had made it my first 26 days without any MO, and now it's been slightly more frequently than once a week since then. I had 2 consecutive days a few days ago, including the looking up of images beforehand, and it really shook me and made me feel like I was headed for a full-on relapse. I definitely do not want to start over again, so I can't let that happen.

I have actually seen a ton of improvement in my PIED in these 60 days. 60 days ago, I was effectively incapable of getting an erection from fantasy, incapable of MO without P, and was never having morning erections. Now, while I still don't get 100% erections from fantasy, I do get a significant response (side note, need to get back to not fantasizing though). I also have proven in the last 34 days that I can now MO without P, though I need to stop doing that too, for the time being.

I've also been tracking my morning erections for 60 days (just estimated % erect, not scientific). Obviously there is a wide array of fluctuation, including days with nothing, but in the first 30 days, most days were between 0% and 30%, with a couple outliers around 50-70%. In the second 30 days, while there were more 0 days (probably because of the MO...), the days where it happened have been at 70-80% pretty consistently, and this morning it was actually pretty close to 100%.

So obviously I am seeing progress, though I still haven't tested whether I get a response with a real women. Just haven't really had a chance. Going out with a girl Friday, though, so we will see. I think my MO and looking up a few images have probably slowed my progress a little but I'm back to feeling super motivated again after my recent close calls. I've started making a lot of other changes too, keeping my apartment clean and making my bed and such, and I actually feel like just being more organized and responsible is helping too. My accountability partner and I are still going strong, and knowing I'd have to tell him if I used porn has definitely stopped me from going further on the image searches a couple times.

Happy New Year! Here's to a year without porn.

I ended up going out with that girl and we made out and stuff, but honestly still had basically zero erection response...the first time. However, we got together again last night and made out just a little bit (not nearly as heavy as last time) and I actually got an erection. Not like 100% but probably like 70%. So that seems like progress. I also have had morning wood to some extent every day but 3 since the New Year. The 3 days were two where I MOd and one where I stayed over at that girl's place and I had had a lot to drink and slept really poorly.

I'm disappointed by the MO, as I'm still averaging it happening slightly more frequently than a week but staying away from actual porn seems to be helping my PIED anyway. I'm very confident that if I stayed away from MO my progress would be even better but haven't been able to totally rein that in yet.

You didn't have sex when it was at 70%? I would have though that it would have reached nearly 100% had you engaged in PIV sex (penis in vagina).

Yeah, I might gotten to 100% if I'd gone for that. Two reasons that I didn't:

1. I think this girl actually really likes me and would like to pursue a relationship. I have no interest in a relationship with anyone right now, given I barely gave myself the green light for sexual activity a few months ago and also am working through this PIED thing. Need to have some experiences first. So I'm trying not to be too much of a jerk to her. I actually intended to talk to her about that but I wussed out. But I didn't think I should try anything because I don't want to be leading her on.

2. I think I have some performance anxiety in addition to the PIED and I'm concerned that if I try to jump in too fast the first time I actually get an erection with a girl, and something goes wrong, it might be bad for my psyche and set me back in terms of the anxiety. Want to kind of ease into it. Next time I'm in that situation with a girl and we are on the same page that we aren't going to date, I may go for it.

OK. I fell off. A lot of factors here. I was out of town for work for 6 weeks in January and February and working really long stressful days. Sort of had some minor slip ups with some safe for work during that time, but nothing like it was before.

Then all this social distancing stuff started happening and I just started backsliding gradually into old habits. I think seeing women in real life had really been helping me for a while back in November, December, and early January when things were going really well, but with that gone, my brain started feeling like it needed some sort of stimulation and I've caved. I've full on PMO'd a few times in the last few weeks, and just generally my mindset has degraded back to an addict mindset. Haven't really been making an effort to keep my mind off sexual things, and have been doing too much swiping (not actually talking to anyone on apps, but still swiping, which is probably the worst thing to do). My accountability partner and I also sort of fell off gradually.

But I'm back. Here's the gameplan.

1. Morning mindfulness in the Headspace app, specifically their "Coping with Cravings" pack, and making an effort to implement what it teaches in the moment of cravings
2. Regularly checking in here.
3. Getting back in rhythm with my accountability partner
4. Mindfulness to help me fall asleep at night, since laying in bed awake is probably my strongest trigger
5. No more fantasies at night. When I was avoiding those back in November and December I was crushing.
6. More structure to my weekend time (scheduling out time for working on hobbies, working out, mindfulness, cleaning, and a little indulgence in the Legend of Zelda )
7. Listening to at least one podcast episode/YouTube video on PMO addiction every day.
8. Eliminating swiping. Although, I may message a few girls I matched with during quarantine as my state begins to open up.

If you have other ideas for helpful ways to get back on the horse, please let me know. Thanks!