Back in the fight

Hi All,

I had initially posted a brief message without first reading the "Before You Post" topic. (My bad.)
I'm 34, and this is day 22 of my PMO reboot.

Here is my story...

I had a fairly standard upbringing without any real trauma or tragedy or abuse growing up. I am the youngest of 4 kids so I guess you could say I was probably even sheltered a bit growing up.

Although I mention I had no 'trauma' in my life, I was quite sick as a child. I suffered mild epilepsy at the age of 4-5, which thankfully did not return. Then, as a teenager I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease (an Inflammatory Bowel Disease). This definitely had an affect on my development in many ways.
My growth was stunted and puberty was delayed meaning I was the smallest in my class and quite timid/shy as a result. Despite this, I never really had any problems making friends. I had and still have some really great friends. However, during my teens, my sickness deprived me of alot of social interaction. On days when I was very ill, I would stay in the house playing video games or lying on the couch while my friends played outside in the neighbourhood. Sometimes I would go out and join them when I was well enough to do so, and they liked when I did.

Around that time is when I discovered masturbation, which quickly became my best friend. An escape from the pain as I see it now, but at the time it was just an exciting new hobby. Starting with pictures of lingerie models, and then MTV music videos, and so on.
To be completely honest, sometimes when my friends would call to the door for me, I would use my sickness as an excuse (even on days when I was well enough) just so I could stay indoors and masturbate, rather than go outside and play football with my friends.

Fast-forward a few years and my family gets Broadband Internet in the house, I move the family computer into my bedroom (convincing my parents that it would help my studies in school!). In fairness, my parents didn't really know any better. I was very good at covering up and hiding my new-found hobby, which later became my addiction.

With the affect my illness had on my physical health as well as my social skills, coupled with the availability of Porn at my fingertips, I never really had to worry about talking to girls and getting a girlfriend. I had my porn in my bedroom. And so, I never really ever had a girlfriend and any high-school sweetheart. Sure I had a number of crushes, but no young love-life to speak of. That hurts to write actually.

Throughout my 20s my addiction obviously progressed as the porn I was watching became more and more hard-core. While searching for more shocking scenes to give my brain more of a dopamine hit, I eventually dabbled in tranny porn(in more recent years). To this day I can't believe how this even happened because I'm not even gay. I have no same-sex attraction at all. It was completely porn-induced (I've heard other men have had similar issues). This is a source of great embarrassment for me to talk about and is difficult to share. But if I can't be real & honest here then where can I be.

In addition to my porn addiction, my curiosity & lust for women lead me to visiting lap-dancing clubs on my own, wasting lots of money and increasing my shame and loneliness. I also went as far as browsing escort agencies and meeting with a number of escorts, (although that hasn't happen for over a year now). Oddly enough, I never had sex with any of the escorts, just received hand-jobs and sometimes even just wanted to lie next to them.

I know I have fallen into a deep trap and did things I never thought I would do in a million years, but this is my story and there's no running away from it anymore. I have to own it.

With the help of a very good counselor, I haven't visited an escort agency for over a year. But porn still continues to be a problem.

My dating life usually involves Tinder. I have been on a lot of dates but I have never really had anything longer than 3 or 4 dates with a girl. I'm still a virgin but I have had offers of sex on dates. I turned them all down as I just felt that I wasn't ready. Too much shame in my head I think.

Also, just to wrap up this post.... I have PIED. So, it's the end of the road for this addiction. Time to fight back.

Thanks for listening,
Vulnerably yours...

Congrats for making it here. Everyone here is struggling with the same infliction, P&M have dominated our lives in one fashion or another.  It either started off innocently or was the result of something that happened in our life's that lead us down the P&M path. Few start out watching gay/tranny P but that's where it ultimately leads, escalation of P is a natural progression of this sickness. While it may haunt us for the rest of our life, the good news is that it is manageable and the physical effects can be changed. There are hundreds of success stories on here. Read them and keep coming back. Find help in whatever form you can, therapy or SA calls /resources, it doesn't matter what the help is, get it and start moving on in your life.

Day 23..

Thank you for your reply. I have started reading some of other people's stories and I do find it helpful.

This week has been good so far. I think I might be flatlining at the moment but I'm not complaining as I'm doing hard-mode, so the less sensation I feel down there the better. I've hit a point where waters are calm at the moment so I guess now is the time to build for the future but also be vigilant and aware of my triggers.

I'm open to suggestions from you guys for any ideas for a new hobby of some sort. I'm already doing gym sessions, meditation and sometimes I do some video editing on the side, but apart from that I'd like to get out & about and learn something new which I heard can help form new healthy brain patterns.

Thankful for today and for you all. Peace!

I actually like the flatline period. It gave my brain a chance to take a breather and not think about sex, P or M.  I'm day 46 and flatlined about two weeks ago. My hobbies include playing guitar and exercising. I also play the Xbox with my two small children, all of which I have taken up since I first started rebooting back in Oct 2016.  Aside from that when the temptations hit I try to tell myself they are false feelings that my mind is creating. I meditate and pray when they hit and remind myself what's at stake in all of this. I also call in to an SA call as often as I can in the mornings on my way to work. The last 46 days have been really good, no feelings of shame or guilt or disgust. P&M will bring those feelings back into my life and I just don't want it anymore. 

Day 24...

Solid advice there js2004... thank you man!
Yeah I'm resting in the belief and knowledge that my brain is in repair mode. I'm visualizing the old neural pathways to PMO breaking down and disintegrating, while new healthy pathways are being layed down.

To be honest, I'm finding today a bit tough because one of my triggers is taking aim at me. Family stuff. I keep thinking my Sister isn't talking to me because she hasn't text me back in a few days. So then my brain goes into overdrive thinking that maybe I said or did something wrong. Bring on the anxiety! Need to be careful here. My brain sometimes creates these bullshit situations that are usually much ado about nothing. I will try to meditate later this evening when I get a break in the day.

PMO is not an option today and will only hinder my progress. This anxiety will pass, these cravings & stress will pass. All will be ok.

Day 28............ Arrrghhhhh!! .... (Still PMO-free, but feel like I'm starting to slip)

So the last 2-3 days have been tough. This post might sound like a total confession-fest but I need to get all this off my chest in order to stay the course. I think it's good for me.
I haven't meditated, exercised or logged onto this journal and it's had an effect on me. I found myself not being able to stop looking at women on the street and in the shopping mall, I've lingered for that 2nd and 3rd look and I'm driving myself crazy. Yesterday morning as I was taking a shower, I couldn't help but feel like my penis had shrunk or just seems smaller than usual. This worried me, and because I'm in the middle of a flat-line, I kinda feel like I'm losing my manhood. It's strange feeling... but I've read that this is normal and I just need to push through. I'm in reset mode, and my brain is obviously doing some much-needed healing.

Last night I was at a party with work colleagues. I usually find these social settings quite difficult because I wouldn't be as relaxed around work friends as I would be with my own close friends. I almost wasn't going to attend, but I pushed myself to go regardless of some mild social anxiety. I'm glad I went. So although I had a good time, there was lots of free booze and I find sometimes that alcohol weakens my resolve and my thoughts can then scatter and wander. I also had some attention from 2 female colleagues, which is a positive thing and it was a nice feeling to be flirted with, but it meant that when I got home at 4am alone, I was sexually frustrated, and still am a little today. I know this is a normal response but I just need to be careful because I'm feeling tempted to just masturbate and relief myself. I won't do it. I need to stay the course and continue onto my goal of staying PMO-free. I'm approaching the 30 day marker and I want make 90 days and beyond.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and allowing me to vent. I feel better already. I will meditate today.

Day 29...

Tomorrow I hit day 30 of PMO hard-mode. Today I had some major urges. Including body aches and cold sweats. I contemplated browsing some escorts sites but I resisted. I'm proud that I've gotten this far, but at the same time I'm a little discouraged with how some urges can just come back and hit you with such fresh venom. I hate this shit. Porn really has fucked us up.
I will meditate now and get out of the house again for a few hours.

Day 32... Still clean (although the last couple of episodes of Game of Thrones there was some mild nudity, hard to avoid)

So this is the longest time I've ever stay away from PMO. On the one hand I'm proud of myself for engaging in the process and fighting off the cravings. On the other hand I'm still so cautious and scared that I could falter at any stage and relapse. I will give myself the best change of not letting that happen.

I've had some very strong urges the last couple of days, and I've let my mind wander into some sexual fantasies, but stopped it before it got the better of me. I need to keep going.

I ran 5k today around my estate. It felt good to get back to some exercise, as I haven't done anything in about 8 days.

Keep going. You have made it this far so you can make it further. For me exercising is a good stress relief. I tend to need some type of activity to get the hyperness out of my system. My libido has come back and so running, biking, or swimming is a great way for me to get that energy out of my system. Yard work helps too.

Hey Man, thanks for commenting on my post. It's very encouraging to see someone who's faced some of the same dilemmas I have; it makes me feel less like some deviant monster. You sure are kicking this things ass so keep up the good work. I haven't made 30 days in a long time now but after finally taking the step  to joining this site, I'm seeing improvements. If you're looking for an accountability partner maybe you'd consider a team up considering we seem to have developed the same niche addictions. No pressure though; just keep up what you're doing if its working for you. Keep up the good work buddy!

Day 33 still going...

Thanks @js2004 and @DesperateToHeal for having my back. It means so much when I log in and see some replies to my journey. It's a warm feeling of knowing that I have people around me who understand. If I could bottle that encouraging feeling I would make alot of money. I must reply to more posts and spread the encouragement to other guys.

So today I felt better. I was on the early shift at work and really tired. I took a nap when I got home and now I have a busy evening ahead to keep me occupied. Dinner with my folks and then I have to update my resum? for new job I'm applying for.

@DesperateToHeal: Yeah it's not a bad idea that we should have each other's back. We're all in it together. You will make 30 days and beyond. I thought I could never stretch it this long but I keep doing what's working for me.

Blessings to all for today!

DesperateToHeal said:

Hey Man, thanks for commenting on my post. It's very encouraging to see someone who's faced some of the same dilemmas I have; it makes me feel less like some deviant monster. You sure are kicking this things ass so keep up the good work. I haven't made 30 days in a long time now but after finally taking the step  to joining this site, I'm seeing improvements. If you're looking for an accountability partner maybe you'd consider a team up considering we seem to have developed the same niche addictions. No pressure though; just keep up what you're doing if its working for you. Keep up the good work buddy!

Click to expand...

Not a problem and I totally get it. You just have to take it one day at a time. I try to come here and post often and read through other journals. I'm s helpful for me to see others struggles and know that I am not alone. Would love to team up, my journal is in the 40 and up section or PM me and we can chat further and a little more openly.

Day 37

So I'm still free from porn & masturbation... but the other day I had an orgasm. I will explain...

I decided to meet up with a female friend of mine (we know each other for a while). So I went over to her place to watch a movie and hang out. We had been flirting through texts and when I was at  her place one thing led to another. We didn't have intercourse, but without going into too much detail, we both got relief.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about this interaction to be honest. We both knew what our intentions were and it was clear in both our minds that we wanted to get physical. But there wasn't a lot of intimacy. Afterwards, I couldn't help but have this feeling of incompleteness or something. To be clear, I don't see myself pursuing any sort of relationship with this girl. It was all just physical and we both knew it. But was it worth? I'm not quite sure.

One thing that I did notice was that my PIED is almost gone. At one point I thought I was going to struggle to maintain but I was fine and I didn't have any DE. So that was a positive. I really don't want that to sound cold or selfish. To be honest, a part of me does feel a little bit selfish. I pursued an encounter to meet my own physical need - or am I being too hard on myself?

The next day I felt myself slipping into a frame-of-mind of regret, shame and disappointment with my actions. But this feeling was nowhere near the type of shame I feel after a binge session of hardcore porn use. I had to pull myself out of this negative thought pattern and remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't go back to porn and I didn't masturbate. I also didn't take advantage of this girl and I was respectful every step of the way. I guess you could say that casual sex isn't my style and I'm just not use to it.

But still, it must be so much nicer to meet someone who you have a connection with, to be intimate with while having a physical & sexual connection with them. Oh how I long for that day. To be able to have such close, respectful intimacy without any shame or awkwardness afterwards.

Anyway, I just wanted to be honest with my recovery and journey. Whether I'm comfortable with casual interactions or not, at least I've stayed away from porn.

If you are not used to one-night-stands then I can see where the shame and guilt come from. But I would counter with why you are here and what you hope to accomplish.  In other words, only you can answer that question yourself. If you were concerned about PIED than you should feel good about that and see it as a positive improvement. If you are concerned about shallow encounters then you may want to rethink things. The point is what do you hope to accomplish by Rebooting.  Just my two cents.

Day 38

Thanks for your sage advice @js2004, I always appreciate your thoughts and wisdom.
It is a good grounding exercise to remind myself of why I am doing this reboot in the first place. And yes, PIED was the last straw for me and it is what kicked my ass into gear to change my life and better myself. But the goal isn't just to overcome ED but to say no to porn forever. To build healthy relationships and have a healthy sex life.

I'm still P&M free thank God. Maybe I need to re-think the whole one-night stand scenarios. I mean, I don't mind the idea of it, but I think I will wait until I know someone better and with whom I want to pursue a relationship with. But as you said, it's for me to answer and figure that one out. Underneath my porn use, I have buried other issues such as social anxieties, lack of confidence & motivation issues, things of that nature that I need to work on too.

I'm currently working through a book called 'Treating Porn Addiction - The essential tools for recovery' by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner. He helps the reader go deep into the past, how & why we got addicted and helps us question what our childhood was like and what we can do differently now to make lasting change.
Some of the questions and exercises hurt a little, sometimes it's not easy to think back, but I know it's healthy. It's a good read so far!

Any time MD20. I think it really does come down to why you are doing this. So I wouldn't beat myself up over it, but definitely have some take aways.  In the meantime keep staying away from P&M and you will figure it out along the way.

Day 39

Just checking in really. I feel good today so nothing major to report. Still clean and staying away from P&M.

I found myself looking at some girls on the street (first look), but I seem to be quick to bounce my eyes away these days. It's a good sign and it is sort happening more automatic. It's less of a fight. I won't lie that I did feel a small jolt of excitement when I saw some girls today, but in the past I used to glare and really drink in the female form whilst planning a P&M session later on that night. The thought of doing that now is very distant from me. I'm thankful I have this resolve now. I just keep reminding myself of how much porn has stolen from me. Never again.

Thank God for a good day. Peace!

I heard someone say the first look is on god but the second is on me.  I have noticed that I am also quick to look away.  If I look to long I start to imagine and that leads me to fantasy and that leads me to wanting P&M. So I just don't bother with it anymore.  I think this actually gets easier as we get further into our Reboot. 

Way to go MD! 39 days, you're the man! Great to see how you have come along. You are an inspiration to me. I'm still at day 2, and have failed quite a few times since I started here.

Day 42... Still no porn

Thank you toph! I'm hangin on by a thread but still going.

So... Tinder! The dating app, has been a bit of a trap for me lately. I don't struggle with psubs of any kind, I don't follow any instagram babes or anything like that. But the last few days browsing on Tinder has definitely stokes the fires of lust and threw my brain into that pathway of sweats and shakes and trembling to act out. What the heck!?? But I can't seem to delete it. I keep justifying to myself that "Oh well I'm a single man I'm allowed to look for a girl to date" and so on. I don't know, it feels like I'm slipping here. Even when I look at it in plain sight. I know what I need to do. I need to delete it off my phone and meditate and do something else that makes me happy. But I can't seem to throw off this strange excitement. It's weird and annoying.

I didn't even want to visit the forum today. Managed to push through and post this. Today is also my 35th Birthday. I feel ok, I had a nice day so far. I'm just tired of the fight, I think I'm just very tired.

Anyway, I'm just being as real as I can be. Thanks for listening.