My Own NOFAP Journey

DAY 1:

Even though this is around day 5 of no PMO, I'm starting this journal at Day 1.  This is because my partner of 4 years has just told me that she is done.  We have had sex maybe 3 times in the last 3 years due to my PMO and lack of motivation.  I made the decision to quit PMO "FOR GOOD!" around 5 months ago, and have been having a tough time of it.  Right at the start, I had a run of 54 days of no PMO, but since then maybe a week at a time.  I have gone to 12 step groups in the past, but I find myself reluctant to go them now.  My previous times, I was given ultimatums to go "or else..." and I really didn't want to quit back then.  The experience has soured 12 step for me right now.  As we all know, this addiction kills motivation and initiative, so the amount of hard, soul searching work that seems to be the core of 12 step really doesn't appeal to me. I have been averse to writing journals since high school, and this was exacerbated when my 1st wife read my journal after promising never to do so.
I am a very guarded individual, and I come here with hope, but also more than a little skepticism as to whether I can actually get clear of this SHITTY-ASS MOTHER-FUCKING BULLSHIT addiction.
My partner and I still love each other very dearly, but she has to take care of herself, and that does not include me where I'm at right now.  I hold no animosity or resentment towards her, just a bucket load of grief for the lost potential. :'(

I feel your pain. Sorry to read that things have broken. Good that you can respect wife's need to look after #1. 12-step didn't work for you and it didn't work for me. Hopefully coming here can help you to find a method and a set of tools that will keep you off the P. If you can kick the habit, then maybe other things can fix. Nothing's guaranteed though, is it? Good luck. Sincerely hope that you can win your battle.

Day 1:

Had a bout of PMO yesterday. :'(  The grief of losing this 4 year relationship, pressure of needing to find a new place to live, find a car, deal with a brand new job too all overwhelmed me.  But I am NOT defeated!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This too shall pass. 8)

Sorry to hear about the problems. If it's any help, I lost my girlfriend of 4-years when she found a journal I had been writing to work out my problems.

She treated me like I was a monster, made me move out, then ghosted me. It took time to realize what happened because she never told me she found the journal. She just disconnected and stopped talking.

She did some highlighting in my journal and that was the only way I figured it out. Months later.

One of the worst experiences of my life. That was the time when I went 30 days without PMO and sought out expensive therapist, went to 12-step meetings. None of it changed me. I was hopeless.

No one had the answers. But I am convinced the answers are all there in YBOP.

It sounds like you are experiencing a rock bottom of your own or a new low if not rock bottom.

I always disliked 12-step. Doesn't work for me. Most people are just there looking to get to the 13th step.

it sounds to me like your motivation to succeed and commitment are still strong, so stay in the driver's seat and keep fighting. It'll get better.

Day 5: No PMO

Feeling pretty good today.  Took care of a few matters that I was avoiding.  I have finished a soapstone carving as a gift for a friend who's one woman play helped me get some closure about my father's battle and eventual loss to pancreatic cancer.  She was really moved by my gift, as I was moved by her story.  I am proud of myself for following through with this project.  So much of my time has been wasted on PMO, and my energy and drive sucked out by the addiction that I have so many unfinished projects and unmet goals.  Now is the time to take back that energy, build up the drive, and use my time effectively to finish projects, and achieve goals.

GEToutOFmyHEAD said:

Now is the time to take back that energy, build up the drive, and use my time effectively to finish projects, and achieve goals.

Click to expand...

Damn right. Fill up all that brain capacity you've created by throwing out the P. So many opportunities to embrace.

New attempt: 24 days 17 hours 15 minutes NOFAP

This shit is tough. Even with friends and a men's group for support, I have the cravings. I want to cave in and just jerk off.  Prior to this reboot attempt I was watching some netflix series. I have to stop watching them because, even though they have good story and characters, they are basically soft core porn.  I got some laundry done today.  I've been putting off filling out a financial statement with respect to child support. I need to get that done.  I am reaching out to make connection with people, and it's hard work.  My life has been "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to people.  I have been trying to break myself of that particular habit.  I have also been exploring my own gender and sexual identity recently.  I hate the holiday season. I have a crush on a few women in my circle of friends, but I don't know how to approach any of them.  Some of them are openly polyamorous, which is good because I am exploring polyamory myself.  I am afraid that if I ask one or more to consider me for more than just friendship and they don't want that, then will our friendship suffer? Will it be because of me or them?  Will it have an effect on the close knit circle of friends that I'm with?  I am starving for more intimate human connection.  More than wonderful hugs and group cuddles.  I feel so alone in this...

I hope you keep posting and keep providing updates of the struggle.  Twenty-plus days is huge-keep doing whatever you are doing. 

28 days 12 hours 55 minutes NOFAP

Feeling ok on this solstice day. longest night of the year in bound, and I have two events to go to. An early evening community solstice gathering, where I am helping with tickets and playing didgeridoo in a sound bath.  Then an intimate gathering of friends afterwards.

31 days, 21 hours, 27 minutes:

Christmas eve.  feeling kinda blah. think I will just go to bed.  get off the computer. hopefully I will sleep better tonight.

Merry Christmas everyone.  stay the course.
G.

1 Day, 10 hours, 36 minutes;

After a 34 day stretch, I had a major relapse. 27th december.  was feeling very alone and frustrated. supremely sad for myself and gave up.  back on the wagon now, looking to get further this time.