Just about to turn 30, going to start a journal

Hey all,

I am soon to be 30 years old male living in Canada (originally from the UK) I think I first discovered porn in the back on a movie magazine when I was about 10-12 years old. I stuck pictures of scantily clad women in the back of my diary and would masturbate to them in the toilet. Then the internet arrived and I remember having dial up and seeing the first (very short) porn clip and was hooked from then on really.

I've never been a really heavy user, but I watch porn or some kind of sexual imagery (instagram etc) at least a couple of times a week. I do it to relieve frustration and tension in my body that builds up - but afterwards I feel flat and emotionless. I also feel guilty as I have a girlfriend and I neglect her sexually because of the porn/masturbation. We do have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month, but I often feel pretty blank afterwards and I imagine pornographic images/scenes in my head when we are having sex. I feel disgusted at myself for this as my girlfriend is a tall blonde hot babe so I should not have to imagine porn when we are having sex.

I have tried going "cold turkey" a couple of times. I think the longest I lasted was 2 weeks, but I couldn't stand the pressure and had to watch porn again. At the moment I have stopped watching hardcore porn and just masturbate to still images - so it is still porn just softer. I really want to get over this addiction as I feel it is making me emotionally flat and unavailable to my partner and it will end up pushing us apart and leaving me alone and depressed.

I will start a diary here to keep you updated on my journey and also to ask for advice from time to time. My girlfriend knows I have a problem with porn but she doesn't know I mentally recall imagery during sex, I think I won't tell her as it will just break her heart which I do not want to do, I want to marry this woman and have her children,

Anyway sorry for the longish post, will keep you updated.

Bobby1000000

Sounds like a similar story to what I'm going through.  I too have had to replay scenes in my head during sex, had lowered desire (down to once a month), and have relapsed before.  Just remember you're not alone in this.  We all have a hard road to walk.

Even admitting you have a problem and seeking out a forum to express your desire to change is a huge step in the right direction.  Keep updating the journal man.  Looking forward to your next post.

Day 1:

I already feel a bit jittery having not masturbated, but I feel positive that I have found this website and can keep a track of what is going on in my head. Several porno images randomly flashed into my head today, uninvited and unexpectedly. I just distracted myself at work and carried on regardless.

we are all in this recovery process together.

keep going at it. you will see progress at some point and then the plan is the build on top of that progress.

Welcome to recovery.

Day 2:

My genitals feels a bit "numb" I'm so used to jacking off that it's weird not to do it. But its been a busy day at work so not really had any strong cravings to look at porn,

Hey man good on you for alerting the Mrs. In my experience you cant hold something back. You could try and be fully honest with your gf.

Its your problem to deal with, but openess is the best approach.

Then its a matter of switching the stimulus for relaxation to something else. Like journaling, pushups, walking, running, whatever. Chances are theres some mild underlying anxiety rhat will have either been there already or might result from dopamine withdrawl.

The best thing is to recognize when these urges are there. Understand what might have triggered it, then if you relapse tey and change the things that led you to cope. Pay attention to what happend right before you did this.

Goodluck and keep posting!

Day 3 - 7:

Again been pretty busy with work and my Dad visiting from the UK so haven't had much time sitting around doing nothing. Me and my gf has sex one night and then the morning after too, which hasn't happened in a long time and it was good. I was focused less on porn imagery (still a bit, but not nearly as much as when I first started this journal)

Today I feel very tired and bit flat though. I have a tendency to oversleep, I have never fully figure out why I do this, but I slept till about 1pm today....not very productive... lol

I also masturbated twice today, not to porn but just my imagination of past sexual experiences with a few porn images mixed in....so not great but at least I didn't watch porn.

Great going man . keep up the good work !

Great job Bobby! I also have a similar story. A while back, I stopped porn completely. In the last year or so, I thought it is fine with me going back to softer for relieving sexual tension. But, I feel guilty afterward and feel it's doing me no good. So, I've decided to stop completely now.

Days  8 - 15

I am pleased to say I still haven't watched any hard or software porn. I have still masturbated now and then, but not as much as before. Been having sex slightly more with my girlfriend I reckon, not 100 percent sure.

Feel a bit agitated due to lack of masturbation, but trying to focus on doing other things instead, as an earlier post reply mentioned.

Thanks for the replies and support, nice to know people are reading!

I'll be back with another update soon.

focusing and engaging in new interesting things/projects can be such a nice way to keep yourself away and busy.

Good luck !

Sounds like things are getting better.  Keep at it!

Days 16 - 35

Hey all,

Had a few lapses - not hardcore porn which I am slightly proud of....just googling "boobs gifs" and "boobs" on instagram which I have then proceeded to masturbate too. I feel a deep sense of disgust and shame at this, whilst in the short term it provides me with relief and a dopamine hit - in the long term I feel like a loser and a creep who is being dishonest to my girlfriend. At one point recently she asked me why we aren't having much sex. I made up an excuse and moved on to another topic.

I still don't know whether I just have a lower sex drive than her or not. But I do know that when we first starting dating we had sex a lot more, the excitement of a new partner made me want to have sex with her lots. But over time this has decreased, I googled it and there is such a thing as the "coolage effect" Part of me thinks that men are just programmed to have have sex with as many women as possible, once we've had sex with one partner for a while we get bored and want to keep "spreading our seed" I won't do this obviously, just that desire is still in me - I see attractive girls out in the real world and have thoughts about sex etc.

Does anyone else have any thoughts/feelings/experiences with this?

It's not like we don't have sex at all anymore, it's just the frequency has decreased, leaving her feeling frustrated and a bit unworthy sometimes I think.I do believe all of this is not helped by looking up provocative imagery and masturbating to it. There was a period recently when I hadn't watched any for a while and I did feel myself getting closer mentally and physically to my partner.