From Cured to 5 year Relapse to Recovery (31 M, Non-Cold Turkey Approach)

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Good shit. Thanks for the honesty. I?m on day 13 without P but I?m still MOing. I have experienced similar circumstances to what you describe. I can relate a lot.

Its really great you're committed to stopping.

At really low times it might seem like its overwhelming. Its always hard to figure out where to start. Posting here is a great first step.

Getting help from a multitude of places really helped me. I joined SLAA, got a counsellor and also blog here and journal my thoughts regularly.

You're on the right track by knowing theres a problem and you need to fix it. Just dont let the fear of being honest hold you back.

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I know it's typical for people who respond to such honest confessions to give the proverbial pat on the back and give some encouragement. But I'm going to have to take a different position. I can deal with everything you wrote except one thing - going to see prostitutes. Are you freaking kidding me, man?! You're in a good place in your relationship apart from the fact that you're seeing hookers behind her back? If you want to confess your failings, that's fine, we've all done that, but don't be kidding yourself. Your relationship with your wife is on a knife's edge. If she knows what you're doing, she probably kicks you to the curb. So whilst you can compartmentalise this as a disorder you are experiencing in isolation from your wife, I can assure you that your wife would not be able to compartmentalise it in the same way. To her it would represent a catastrophic failure in your relationship. You are breaking your vows to her. You are not being honest with her. You are breaking your communication with her. You are exposing her to the risk of sexually transmitted infections - possibly even fatal ones like HIV and Hepatitis. So, when you read that, do you still think your relationship is on solid ground and that if you can just get hold of your sexual mania, you and your marriage will be fine? I really hope not, because people with this level of self-delusion don't tend to solve problems as large as this.

Your temptation will be to get angry at what I'm writing here - it's happened before when I've called people out on stunning hypocrisy. You should resist the temptation to dismiss what I'm saying just because it makes you angry. I'm saying this because I think it's more helpful to you than being all "hey, that's too bad, keep trying". You need harsh truths to pull out of this. Don't be in denial. This is an emergency for you and your marriage. You need to hit this with everything you've got. And maybe even telling her about your problem is part of that. Many men think they can hide it or fix it quietly, but that almost never happens. You probably think she has had no effects from your behaviour because she doesn't know about your problem, but trust me man, she is worried about you and what's happening to your relationship. Even if she's seeming fine, she's probably hiding her concerns because she can't quite give a voice to them. She will have noticed a decline in intimacy, a change in the way you relate, a change in your connection with her. It's only a matter of time before this blows wide open. You might want to consider getting out ahead of this and confessing before she finds out through other means.

I'm going hard on you here, I know that, but its only because I am concerned for your situation and the danger you are putting yourself, your marriage and your wife in. Give it some thought. I'll support you if you want a brutally honest voice.

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