EworCaz
Member
Here I am again and for the first time. The last time I tried this I was in a different age bracket. Now 31 I am at rock bottom. In 12 step support groups they say we choose our rock bottom. Now is the time.
I broke up with my girlfriend over my porn addiction. June 30th I told her for the third time in 3 years that I was quitting porn for good, and once again I got the same knee jerk response. She shamed me. She took it personally. In the past I pointed her toward the books to read and the YouTube channels to watch, but she still doesn?t get it. She doesn?t quite understand addiction in general. I?m in long term recovery, and she?s gotten drunk around me several times. It only bothers me sometimes, but it?s not exactly the most supportive way to love an addict. She claims I?m emotionally distant, and she?s right.
Porn has a strangle hold on my capacity for empathy. My affect is blunted. My work ethic bare minimum. I explained to her quitting would change that and I need her support to get through it. She said she couldn?t handle it and she just doesn?t want anything to do with that aspect of my life. So I told her it?s probably best if we split. She agreed. We are both 50/50 on our pros and cons lists. So here I am some 18 days later and I?m still PMOing. The only difference is she?s gone.
I?ve been keeping my apartment cleaner, and been cooking more meals at home instead of ordering delivery, but I?m still PMOing. It?s still a major zap on my motivation at work. All the coffee in the world won?t lift the fog, and I?ve been sleeping straight through my alarm. The truth is I haven?t been sleeping as much as passing out in a porn induced coma in bed every night. That?s nothing new though.
I want to remain single to work on myself. I want my life to be about me again. I want to play more music, go to more meetings, be a better coworker, and eventually to the right woman a better lover. My on day one as of right now is to lift this mental fog. When I feel as though it?s lifted I will set a new goal, perhaps practicing more empathy, or Exercising more. But for now I want to keep it so simple.
This is truly just for today. I don?t know if I can stay clean tomorrow, but right now I?m determined.
I broke up with my girlfriend over my porn addiction. June 30th I told her for the third time in 3 years that I was quitting porn for good, and once again I got the same knee jerk response. She shamed me. She took it personally. In the past I pointed her toward the books to read and the YouTube channels to watch, but she still doesn?t get it. She doesn?t quite understand addiction in general. I?m in long term recovery, and she?s gotten drunk around me several times. It only bothers me sometimes, but it?s not exactly the most supportive way to love an addict. She claims I?m emotionally distant, and she?s right.
Porn has a strangle hold on my capacity for empathy. My affect is blunted. My work ethic bare minimum. I explained to her quitting would change that and I need her support to get through it. She said she couldn?t handle it and she just doesn?t want anything to do with that aspect of my life. So I told her it?s probably best if we split. She agreed. We are both 50/50 on our pros and cons lists. So here I am some 18 days later and I?m still PMOing. The only difference is she?s gone.
I?ve been keeping my apartment cleaner, and been cooking more meals at home instead of ordering delivery, but I?m still PMOing. It?s still a major zap on my motivation at work. All the coffee in the world won?t lift the fog, and I?ve been sleeping straight through my alarm. The truth is I haven?t been sleeping as much as passing out in a porn induced coma in bed every night. That?s nothing new though.
I want to remain single to work on myself. I want my life to be about me again. I want to play more music, go to more meetings, be a better coworker, and eventually to the right woman a better lover. My on day one as of right now is to lift this mental fog. When I feel as though it?s lifted I will set a new goal, perhaps practicing more empathy, or Exercising more. But for now I want to keep it so simple.
This is truly just for today. I don?t know if I can stay clean tomorrow, but right now I?m determined.