Wow! How did i get here?

Hi guys,

I have been lurking, reading and researching for about 3 days after stumbling upon YBOP.com.  It's almost become an obsession as I have spent 4-5 hours a day for the last 3 days realizing most likely I have PIED and how deep the issues go. 

This will be a long post as I think it will help to lay it all on the line.  I'm 43, married for 5 years and have been with her for 10, no Kids of the 2 legged variety, just 4 legged fur baby's. 

Like most men over 35, I was introduced to porn by snooping through my parent's room and found the typical Hustler/Playboy magazines around the age of 10 and I would "borrow" them any chance I got.  I think my High School years were pretty typical chasing girls and MO'ing whenever I could.  I lost my virginity at 16 and my first sexual experience went as usual with performance anxiety, had a hard time getting it up and didn't last long  I dated the same girl through the rest of High School and we had great Sex every chance we got.  I don't really remember PMO a lot during that time, but I'm sure it was more often than I recall. 

I moved out of state to go to College and was as horny as a typical college student.  I was never very good with girls, or the random hookup and would often strike out.  I only lived out of state for a year and in that time I only hooked up with 1 girl and it was a disaster.  We were a little drunk and I couldn't get it up, which I think had more to do with performance anxiety than the booze.  I think this humiliating experience has stuck with me to this day and always have struggled with the initial counter with a woman. 

When I moved back home I had a number of great girlfriends where once I had sex with them the first time and the anxiety associated with it subsided, I was good to go.  Sex was great and we did it as often as possible.  This was early to mid-1990s, pre-internet and again I don't remember doing a lot of PMO, but I'm sure I did.  As the internet became more mainstream I eventually stumbled into chat rooms and quickly found the sex side of it and actively searched for online porn.

Around 2000 I fell in love for the first time in my life and was head over heels.  Sex was awkward the first time as usual but after that it was great.  After reading and researching over the last 3 days I can see the pattern I fell into that are causing my current issues.  At least I'm hoping my porn habits are causing my ED as it can be fixed as long as quit porn. 

Even though I was head over heels for this women I would go to chat rooms, websites, and PMO even though I was having great sex with my GF.  After a year or so I started having a hard time getting it up.  I chalked it up to performance anxiety as I was so in love with this women and wanted to rock her world continuously.  I eventually went to the Dr. who gave me some Viagra which sometimes worked.  I think I was so wound up and worried I couldn't get hard that it would make the Viagra in-effective.    This became a source of contention and it definitely had an effect on how I viewed myself as a man.  Until 3 days ago I never correlated my PMO to my PIED in real life situations.  We eventually broke, which our breakup had nothing to do ED, which was only occasionally. 

After the breakup, Porn websites got better and my use increased greatly.  I would sit in front of the screen for hours on end at all hours of the day.  I had a number of relationships over the next 5-6 years where PIED was still an issue.  I would regularly turn to Viagra for a helping hand, but I was young, broke and Viagra was expensive. 

I met my now wife in 2005 fell in love.  As usual, the first sexual encounter was awkward, but it got better.  I still had my ED issues but Viagra helped.  She lived across the country and with her absence I found myself PMO more and more.

I have always chalked my ED up to performance anxiety and the vicious cycle in my brain as I could still get it up MO'ing.  After stumbling onto YBOP I know it is most likely PIED and I'm hoping that is the case I see now I can heal.  At the same time, I'm worried being 43 and that it might just me getting older.  I've never been too confident sexually with women, but after being married for 5 years I find my ED getting worse.  Why after 5 years of marriage should I have anxiety with my wife? I love her, she loves me and she's smoking hot! The thought of having sex with her gives me anxiety so I sometimes avoid it, but still need the release so I turn to porn, A LOT.  If she is traveling for work, PMO for hours, before I leave for work PMO, at work PMO. 

In the last year, I have found that I am struggling to get hard even to porn and tried to back off.  I turned to MO'ing in the shower every morning but would only get semi hard, but still O.  I started paying attention to my lack of MW and thought my ED might be organic.  I don't find that I have a loss of libido as I feel I think about Sex most of the day almost obsess over it. 

Even with PMO I still want to have sex with my wife daily.  I think it's fairly normal after 5 years of marriage for sex frequency to decrease, but I still want it daily.  However, I think my PIED has made her frustrated and often denies me so she doesn't get wound up sexually frustrated.  I use Viagra almost every time we have sex to avoid this and often take it every night just to ensure I get  it up if she is game to go.  She also travels for work a ton, works 80 hour weeks (as do I) and often she is "to tired" for sex.  She will often say something earlier in the day about having sex before bed, but when it comes down to it she is too tired.  This makes me very frustrated and so I turn to PMO, which I now realize is a source of my ED.  is it though? any other guys experience this?  I find myself justifying my PMO as I need a release and a higher sex drive than she and I don't want to be constantly begging for sex and face the rejection, healthy right? NOT! 

In the last 3-6 months, I have found my O's less intense, especially during sex and turn to PMO for a more intense O, I guess chasing? between this, not as much sensation in my dick, not getting hard to porn which all point to PIED? right? or is there something else going on?

I have not PMO'd or any O in 3 days and I'm going to stick to the no PMO but will try and have as much sex with my wife as possible to re-train my brain.  Is this a good plan?  As I have researched and read the last 3 days I have found myself with huge anxiety about not getting off on a daily basis.  Honestly, I have asked myself what is worse? no daily O's? or PIED?  My brain knows the answer, but my Dick says differently.  I hope if my PIED goes away and I'm more confident with my wife she will want to have sex more, is this wishful thinking?  Sex is always on my mind and in order to clear it and be productive I PMO.  If my wife won't service me daily this will be tough.  But then again, I have found myself PMO or at least MO shortly after having sex, chasing that more intense O, which even with PMO is not what it used to be. 

If you read the whole post, thank you!  I know it's long but as I have heard stated here it helps to type it all out.  Day 3 in the books and looking forward to day 90+

Made it through day 4 and now part way through Day five. 

The rest of day 3 and day 4 were relatively easy.  I had sex with my wife a couple of times (with help from the blue pill) and i really tried to concentrate on her, touching and the sensations of her. 

last night as we just hung out at home it was a little tougher.  She was in the office working and i was watching tv on the couch.  with iPad and phone in hand it was tempting to turn to my normal scrolling through Different sites, but i resisted and persevered. 

This morning was much tougher as more normal routines returned.  I woke at some point early this AM and had about 60% MW and fell back to sleep.  She left to go Ski so i was home alone.  Sitting in my home office alone checking emails i could fill a stirring in my pants and an urge to look at P, i stayed on task with emails and eventually went to shower.  Being a little revved up i felt a very a very strong urge to MO in the shower, but did not. 

I feel the hornienes beginning to rise and the thought of not MO everyday brings anxiety.  I hope to be able to engage with my wife to keep this at bay, but i know we will fall into our regular busy schedule and when i try to initiate sex i will get the standard "i'm to tired" response. 

NIce going PcPowder

          Hold strong for Day 5  I would strongly urge you to go for a walk  for 1/2 hour or longer  and tell yourself  I'm going to win this battle a few times  think about the reasons for improving your life because this battle is not only about leaving p behind  but becoming better men  and building better relationships

As for a little bit of advice  this is something I think worked for me and the result  along with it

  When I first started this battle a year ago I sometimes found myself in my car driving and I would use a loud  voice and saying "I don't need this shit any longer I'm better than this  I will win"  it was sometime almost a yell in the car when I did it  for me I think it helped  But I just kept telling myself "I will win"  in 2017 and before I went from pmo  mo  exc  sometimes as many as 5 or 6 times a week  sometimes for 4 5 or 6 hours at a time  so over 220 times a year spending probably 800-1000 hours  a year down to perhaps 20 times in all of 2018  spending perhaps  20 hours  all year  I had 2 streaks  one lasting 115 days  I am currently on day 31 and never felt better

      good luck  were rooting for ya  victory is to be ours

        Post often it helped me it will help you

Thanks @joepanic for the advice.  I think yelling in the car will be helpful, as i have done that tons to other frustrations. 

Did you have PIED? other issues?  did you notice symptoms like PIED start to go away after your 100+ day streaks?

Day 6 and so far so good and only a few more hours to go. 

A roller coaster of emotions the last 24 hours some great ones, and some struggles but NO P, no PMO and no MO.  I did have sex with my wife last night with help from the little Blue pill.  Yesterday afternoon my wife started texting me about getting busy yesterday night.  I was looking forward to it all day long which when i know she's expecting it it makes the anxiety worse so a pill it was.  when it came down to bed time i felt like i didn't really want to which was especially weird since i was looking forward to it all day.  Sex was great and afterwords i felt a calm that i hadn't felt in a long time that everything was going to be ok. 

When i got in the shower (often a place I MO'd to porn fantasy) i think i was still feeling the effect of the blue pill and had the urge to M, but i did not.  I had a really busy day so didn't really have the urge to look at P or PMO.  I got home this evening and my wife is out running errands and my first thought was ohh good, i have the house to my self so run to the computer for fun.  So far so good and urge is not that strong. 

I spent most of the day reading on here and i really felt like i related most to discobolus' journal which i read start to finish 3 times.  I think it helped a lot to read it.  I  have lot's of questions and thoughts, but i have some work to get done so i'll write more later. 

Looking forward to day 7 tomorrow.  Good luck to everyone on this tough journey. 

It?s funny because I?m reading your journal and could really relate as well.

discobolus said:

It?s funny because I?m reading your journal and could really relate as well.

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Discobolus, thanks for taking the time to read my journal, the first post was really long.  I do have lot's of questions and thoughts i would like to ask you, but haven't had time.  If it's ok, i will post in your journal as soon as i have more time. 

Day 8 and holding strong with no P and no MO. 

I have definitely had my ups and downs the last 2 days with real highs and real lows.  I am not sure how much the high's and lows have to do with quitting PMO, but I'm sure it is adding to at least the lows.  I have had sex with my wife a few times (with the help of the blue pill)  in the last 8 days, so it's not like I have total sexual buildup without release. 

I did wake up the other morning with great morning wood that was near 100% and stayed around longer than it has in a very long time.  I still haven't had the random middle of the day erection, but looking forward to them returning. 

So far resisting P has been easier to resist than I had thought it would be....at least so far, but I don't want to let my guard down.  However, the urge to MO has been extremely strong at times.  I'm sure if I started to M I would turn to P to help get a full erection, but even with P, my erections have been extremely week for the last 6+ months with P. 

I think I am starting to grasp how PMO effects my marriage.  I am happily married and love my wife but I do think my PMO has affected my interactions with more than I could have imagined.  If we would have a disagreement I would use PMO to make myself feel good and not try and romance her.  Not necessarily romance her just to get sex, but romance her or generally makeup with her and feel close again. 

Yesterday my wife sent some flirty texts indicating she definitely wanted to get busy yesterday night which had me excited all day.  We ended up staying out a little later than planned and when we got home she was too tired.  At this point, I had already popped a Viagra to ensure i could perform, which does rev me up a bit.  In the past, if this had happened I would have taken care of myself, with or without porn and eased the tension.  I went to sleep frustrated and upset with her which carried into my behavior towards her this morning.  I HATE IT when she flirts with me during the day and says she wants to have sex, then is too tired to follow through.  I wish she would not write checks her body can't cash so to say. At the same time, I don't want her to feel like having sex with me is a commitment or another thing on her to do list, I want her to want it and me.  But then again I guess it makes her feel the same way when I can't perform so she goes to bed revved up and frustrated. 

I'm looking forward to making the rest of the way through day 8 and will conquer day 9 tomorrow. 

This last post sounds so much like me it?s uncanny. I get upset when I plan ahead, pop a Viagra, and it doesn?t happen.

discobolus said:

This last post sounds so much like me it?s uncanny. I get upset when I plan ahead, pop a Viagra, and it doesn?t happen.

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Yep!  and when this happens I generally take it out on her, which is so not fair.  Especially when this is my fault, not hers. 

Day 9 and it's been a good day.  I had great sex with my wife last night and really tried to concentrate on touch, smell and kept my eyes open to replace all the P visions and fantasies with real life.  Of course, I needed medical help to get it up.  After the PIED fades, I have to find a way to wean myself off them.  I don't want to trade PIED for reliance on meds and anxiety that without meds I won't be able to get it up.  Does anybody have any experience with this?

Today has been easy so far.  between having sex last night and waking up to 12" of new snow to ski, it was a great powder day and I have a smile on my face.

Yesterday morning as I was leaving for work I spent extra time kissing my wife goodbye trying to see in part if there would be any reaction down below and also trying to build some romance at other times then just leading to Sex.  I felt a little bit of a stir, and I mean little 10-20%, but I got cocky and made an off the cuff comment about wanting to have sex right there in our home office. I didn't think there was a chance in hell my wife would go for it, but she said really? and went for her pants.  I felt my dick shrivel and I quickly said I was joking and was late for work.  She said, well for sure tonight then, and we kissed a bit more, to which my dick stirred back to life a bit.  I was so frustrated that my dick was responding and as soon as she went to drop her pants I shriveled when it should have instantly gone to 100%.  UGGG  Or am I to old to think that instant boners will return?

Day 11 and so far so good, but I have some real challenges in front of me this week. 

My wife typically travels 10-15+ days a month for work and she left today for the first time since I started this.  During her time away is when the binge PMO would happen for hours on end, before work, after work and sometimes even at work.  She got up early this morning to catch her flight and my first thought when I got out of the shower was to head for the computer.  I quickly just started getting ready for work and out the door.  I expect it to be a challenge again when I come home to an empty house this evening. 

To make it even worse my wife started catching a cold Sunday so we didn't get a chance to get busy before she left.  I was kind of counting on getting some before she left to make it easier to get through the week.  However, my Libido has seemed to be in the toilet yesterday and today.  I'm not sure if it's a flatline or the fact that I started catching her cold yesterday and feel like shit today.  Either way, I am glad my Libido seems to be low while she is gone this week.  She will be back Friday afternoon, so it's not all that long. 

I can't help but ask myself if this is really PIED or me just getting older and being 43?  in a normal 40 something man what should my expectation be for spontaneous erections, morning wood?  How easy should it be to get a boner when My wife and I start? How firm should really be? Do I have unrealistic expectations?  I also think this is my brain trying to rationalize going back to PMO which I am committed giving up regardless.  Even if the ED remains I think having porn out of life will have huge benefits in many other aspects of my life that will be well worth the struggle. 

Still holding strong on Day #13 and looking forward to my 2 week mark tomorrow. 

I've made it through with my wife being gone and it hasn't been as tough as I was expecting.  I've also had a really bad cold/flu soi think that has helped.  I can't really tell if my lack of libido is from being sick or from a possible flatline, either way, I think it has helped me get through my wife being out of town.  She gets home tomorrow and I'm excited for her to be home. 

Even with being sick I woke up at some point this am and had 50%-60% MW, which I thought was pretty good with being sick.  I do think I have to be in a flatline because it seems in the past I have turned to PMO while sick to make myself feel better, and I haven't had a much of an urge.  My junk also seems to be just numb and hanging there dead, not really shrunken like others report, but maybe a little.

While running errands this morning I did put on some old school feel good music and that seemed to raise my spirits some.  It was Music from my 20's and early 30's that reminded me of good times with good people.  It seemed to give my brain a bit of a rush with good feelings that I think it has been craving. 

Day 15 and still completely clean.

I'm excited to have made it past the 2-week mark, especially with my wife being gone and me all alone at home most of the week. After I wrote the last post on day 13 about it being easier than expected, I did get the some of the strongest urges since beginning this journey, but they were manageable.

I did wake up at some point with MW at about 80% and had to pee which once I did it went away.  I woke up again later and had MW again at about 80-90% and rolled over and cuddled with my wife which made it even stronger, which i thought was a good sign.

I was hoping for sex last night since it's been a week, but she was exhausted from traveling/meetings all week and we are both still fighting the flu.  I guess this has been like a 7-day hard reboot.LOL, but I hope that streak ends tonight with my wife.

I have found myself a bit excessive with checking in on this website, reading stories, reading YBOP.com and listing to porn addiction videos on youtube in my car.  I know reading, watching and listening is very important to a successful recovery, but is there a point where it is too much?

Pcpowder said:

Day 15 and still completely clean.

I'm excited to have made it past the 2-week mark, especially with my wife being gone and me all alone at home most of the week. After I wrote the last post on day 13 about it being easier than expected, I did get the some of the strongest urges since beginning this journey, but they were manageable.

I did wake up at some point with MW at about 80% and had to pee which once I did it went away.  I woke up again later and had MW again at about 80-90% and rolled over and cuddled with my wife which made it even stronger, which i thought was a good sign.

I was hoping for sex last night since it's been a week, but she was exhausted from traveling/meetings all week and we are both still fighting the flu.  I guess this has been like a 7-day hard reboot.LOL, but I hope that streak ends tonight with my wife.

I have found myself a bit excessive with checking in on this website, reading stories, reading YBOP.com and listing to porn addiction videos on youtube in my car.  I know reading, watching and listening is very important to a successful recovery, but is there a point where it is too much?

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Pcpowder,

Great work staying clean for 15 days, that's a big milestone. The first week is the worst and week number two is slight better up still a massive uphill battle. You have been through the worst. Keep remaining vigilant against the urges and triggers. Remember the urges always subside no matter how intense they are, the more times you beat them the easier it gets over time and you'll find that it gets much easier to fight the battle as time passes.  Keep up the great work!

Thanks, Rex for the encouragement, it is invaluable. 

Day 16 and all is good.  I am finding myself extremely horny, but yet things are very quiet downstairs almost like my dick is in flatline, but my libido is high? I did have Good MW this AM that stuck around awhile

This is day 8 without sex with my wife because of her traveling for work and now being sick with the flue.  I was hoping she would be feeling better and want some tonight, but she was sick enough to miss a day of skiing, so I am assuming she won't be game.  I think I was probably in my early teens the last time I went 8 days without an orgasm.

I have also been some discomfort in my junk as well.  Not really a pain, but just discomfort.  Everything from just numbness and overall lack of feeling,  tingling, to kind of an ache from deep inside along the shaft to more of a pain on the underside of the tip by the Frenulum.  It has subsided today, but was wondering if anybody else experienced this?  I am hoping this is my junk healing from all the abuse i have inflicted on it for the last 25+ years. 

Day 19 and still clean. 

My wife was finally got over her cold enough to have sex the night before last, but 9 days without any Orgasm felt like forever.  I was really struggling earlier in the day since it had been so long since being with her.  I didn't really get the urge to look at P, but the urge to MO was getting increasingly strong.  The Sex was good (still took ED meds) and I felt more confident as a lover than I had in a very long time.  I really slowed it down and focused on being in the moment.  It felt great and gave me the confidence to know I had not O'd in 9 days and that the last time I had was with her and not by my own hand. 

I am not finding myself struggling too much not looking at P, but the biggest struggle is not MO'ing.  I know if I did start M I would most likely turn to porn to try and help firm things up, but that's a dead end road and can't go there. 

My wife has to be wondering what is going on as I am probably making more sexual advances to her than I have in the past.  I want it every day, she does not which is not helping my urges to MO. 

I did wake up this morning with MW that was very strong and intense.  It didn't hang around for long, but i was stoked to have it and for it to be that strong. 

Day 21 No P, no PMO, and no MO.  Yeaaaa 3 weeks

I have been extremely horny all week and for whatever reason, my wife has not been into sex which has made this much harder. I have not had much of urge to look at P, but my urge to MO has been very intense. 

I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning, or at least a good sign.  I had very strong MW this morning and it stayed around and wouldn't go away.  I kept trying to initiate sex with my wife in a playful way but she was still denying me.  She finally said fine " I'll spread my legs and you can go to town, but I'm not going to be into it".  I took her up on it and we had sex....or I should say at least I did as she was right, she was not into it and was not the least bit engaged.  She makes this comment occasionally when I keep pressing and she's not into it and this is only the 2nd time in 5 years of marriage I have taken her up on her offer. 

I felt guilty taking advantage of it as it feels like I'm using her to get off, which I guess I am.  It's not the way I want to have sex with my wife and I want her to want it to and love me back.  However this morning I just needed to get off and I wanted to stick to my no PMO and no MO goals.  It's a good thing I did too as I don't know if I would have made it another day, not MO'ing.  The previous 2 mornings in the shower (where previously I often MO'd to fantasy) while washing my junk I may have spent a little longer down there than necessary.  I didn't M and did not get an erection as I quit when my dick started to respond. 

So multiple good things today. 

1. Strong morning wood that wouldn't go away
2. This is probably the first time in 6-8 months that we had sex and I didn't take any ED Meds.
3. sensitivity in my dick seems to be returning.  Sex felt better, and the fact that just showering and washing my junk felt good and my dick started to respond. Previously when MO'ing in the shower I would have to use the death grip to feel much and get any response, and rarely achieved much of an erection. 

The bad. 
1.) Having sex with my wife when she isn't into it just to get off
2.)  I have also been finding myself upset at my wife and acting out a little with her low sex drive this week.  Before when she wasn't into it I would just take care of myself (using Porn) and move on.  Now since I have given up PMO when she denies me I get irritated and the frustration builds more. Since I will not MO anymore I feel like she has this power over me and it's all up to her and it pisses me off.  I know women need to be in the mood and warm up to sex and I feel like I have been going above and beyond in many areas to try and get her in the mood and nothing.  I guess I will keep trying until I find something that works and/or her sex drive comes back around a bit. 

"I have found myself a bit excessive with checking in on this website, reading stories, reading YBOP.com and listing to porn addiction videos on youtube in my car.  I know reading, watching and listening is very important to a successful recovery, but is there a point where it is too much?"

    The above quote is from a few days back on your journal  I find myself a little bit excessive in checking in here on the site  as well as watching videos and reading exc  But I find this has helped me a great deal  in staying strong  a constant reminder  i suppose

    Sorry to hear your wife wasnt really into it  I run into the same thing sometimes  my wife  seems pretty happy to do it once a week on average  I think I would be happy with twice a week or on occasion 3 times  Does she know your fighting this addiction?  My wife does not know  She knew I used to "surf a little porn" and it never bothered her but in conversatioins in general lately its come up that I dont bother with it anymore and havent in some time  We even have a filter on the computer now  that I installed as we have young boys who are getting to the age of using the computer on there own 

    Cheers keep up the fight and hope it gets better

      Post often it helped me it will help you
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Thanks Joepanic, it's nice to know that other people are checking the site a lot.  I guess you are right, a constant reminder of what you are trying to do is a good thing and will be a big help. 

My wife has no idea I'm fighting this battle either.  I think she just assumes I look at porn now and again, but we've never had the conversation.  I don't think the depth of my PMO addiction is anything I will ever be able to share with her.  I know many advise to fully heal and recover you need to tell your SO, but that is not a door I am willing to open, so it will stay padlocked shut.

Day 22 and still good.  I woke up in a piss poor mood and not sure exactly why.  I think its a combination of things.  When we got home from dinner with clients last night my wife just went up and went to bed.  I was not surprised, but I was still hoping to get a little.  She then woke me up at 2:30 in the morning to take the puppy out to pee.  When I came back to bed, I asked myself why didn't she just go do it? If she was awake enough to ask me to do it, she should have just done it.  i It wound me up so bad I went down to the couch and watched Tv until I fell asleep.  We were supposed to go ski this morning before I had to go to work, but I was still so mad I just went up to bad and she went and skied.  I know how childish this is, but the argument in my brain is "if she's not going to have sex with me this week, why should I do anything for her?  UGGG  Not a the way to treat my wife

Keep up the good work my friend - 3+ weeks and counting.  AND you had sex with no meds, and notice the sensation in your dick returning?  Thats awesome!!

Dont let the day to day grind get you down, or your sexual interactions with your wife - you are doing great, and your having normal sex, however much she may not be into it from time to time, is WAYYY better than retreating back into PMO, especially with the death grip!

You're making great progress and need to stay on track, dont doubt yourself, and you may want to try to find ways to channel some of your newly awakened carnal energy into spicing up the bedroom - is there anything you can do to entice your wife further?  Oral sex, massage, role play, etc?  Think more about her than you, focus on her body and her enjoyment, and eventually it will lead to your own as well - thats the practice I follow and its working amazingly!