abstinence versus understanding

hey people! as i'm reading through these forums, i've been thinking a lot about how the major focus on abstinence can be a little unhelpful, because it's usually not actually possible to overcome an addiction solely through willpower and discipline. i know for myself, it has made a huge difference to shift from an attitude of "conquering" to one of "understanding," and i'm curious about other people's experiences with this. i want to write a lot more about it because i think it might be helpful for other people to read, but i just wanted to open this thread up for now.

I would say that understanding what porn does to me socially and how it works in my brain to make me feel good was a major part in being able to abstain from it. I am 67 days porn free now and in large part that is because of the detailed explanation of the effects of poorn in the book "Your Brain on Porn". I became desperate enough to research quitting because of my spiritual persuasions and when I went looking I found this site and then the book was recommended. I tried quitting before with just willpower & determination and yes it doesn't work for me, understanding what porn does helped tremendously.

In addition to what MossY said it is frequently advised to not just abstain from porn and artificial stimulation but also to fill the gap that will open up in the process. Working out has helped many as your body has something to do and less time to bring up thoughts about yout bad habbit you are trying to quit

yeah understanding > will power. one of the first things that you understand is that eroded will power is a sign of an addiction.

keeping busy though is logical but it does not work like advertised. you cant be busy for 10 months straight. especially with porn addicts, they lack motivation, focus, energy, drive etc. maybe you get all excited in the first few weeks but its the easiest part anyway...

you are going to have to deal with irresistible cravings no matter how busy you are. i know because craving snatched me when i was the busiest i could be. there was also times i was like 90% free and 10% busy and i relapsed during those 10% because maybe holy fuck i get stressed out or someone does or says something appealing during work and guess what, there is bathroom nearby. it does not take nearly as much to relapse after 2 months and get the strongest chaser effect as it takes during first 2 weeks. thats true at least if you are addicted since teenage years and now with PIED case because i can only speak for myself. im noticing one thing that confirms why gabe deem kept it straight since day 1. something i and most addicts lack and when i look at him and his story, he definitely has it. im not gonna talk about successful recovery until i achieve one so im just saying, there is something more than keeping yourself busy. its fine, get busy, socialize, move your pc to living room or use libraries, pick up girls, go to bed earlier, work out, meditate, eat healthy, stay sober, use porn blockers, ban internet access in your house etc. do whatever you can but in the long term its not magic, the real turning point is awaiting you. 95% porn addicts knows it "all" and still fail. truth may be depressing but its still the truth.

how stupid of me, just to crash a party without any positive note. but im not successfully recovered so i guess that was my reasoning. anyway, i think self esteem is the crucial ingredient if you want to quit porn. all the business and everything else is not going to work if you think you are not worthy of the good life, you dont love yourself completely. look at gabe deem. he says he did not had any traumas growing up. how many of you can say that? his good picture of his growing up shows lack of major factors that affect most people self esteem during growing up. i know he also paints that picture to show that porn addiction can snatch anyone, it does not take your parents raping you to become susceptible to porn addiction but that is another thing. he recovered though, without relapses! 

i base this thought process purely based on me. i despise myself, every relapse i go to bathroom and growl at myself in the mirror.

self esteem is extremely hard to work on because nobody talks about it, there is so scarce knowledge and understanding on such an important topic. thats why most people are scared and shy or arrogant and disrespectful (while thinking high/low of themselves).

EDIT: my first sentence is about how stupid i am. thats as far as my self esteem goes. it can get really subtle and unnoticeable but im working on it, im doing better than yesterday

fuck yeah i really appreciate the honesty in what you're saying. it's super fucking real. i'm definitely seeing how self esteem issues and the way sexuality and sexual inadequacy factor in feels really central to the whole question. porn is a way of short-circuiting my brain into sort of thinking i really am "getting some" in all the ways our evolution makes us feel is so important. to drop porn means i open myself up to the real question - am i sexually with it or not?

im feeling the pain of that question right now and remembering the long years of my adolescence where sexual inadequacy was such a central part of my identity and inner experience. shit cuts deep. i've had many years of actively dating and sexual prowess and all this shit and while i have a lot of confidence, i also still carry a lot of that self esteem wounding. maybe there's more than the question of "what do i really want, sexually and romantically in my life?" but also "who am i and who do i feel like i am, sexually and romantically speaking?"