Hey Fellas.
First of all, sorry for possible (probable) english mistakes, as this is not my primary language.
Well, even though i discovered "Your brain on porn" and "Reboot Nation" almost a year and a half ago, only now i managed to build a 30 days PMO free milestone. And i feel pretty good about it, so i decided to share with you guys my experience, and of course ask if someone can help me figuring out some issues.
Like the absolute majority of the members here, my addiction started in my teenage years. As i got my first PC, and installed in my bedroom, everything changed in this aspect of my life, as i spent most of my days hours on the internet watching videos and PMOing heavily.
With time, extreme videos were being found, and arousement acquired for these videos. Everything was confuse but exciting when i was a teenager... But then, as a young adult, the issues started.
As a lot of guys, i found myself facing PIED at my college years, and at the time i didn't know why. Here's a fact. It was strange that whenever sex involved sentiment, i was good to go. A college guy with an average look can have a lot of sexual action in his college years. And so did i. But the thing is when i was given the chance to have casual sex with pretty woman, one night stands, i couldn't get things going. In the other hand, with my girlfriends i never had this problem, even though i always got anxyous in the first time, afraid that i wouldn't be able to wake up my little friend.
I am telling you this because this chain of events led me to believe that the problem is i'm not compatible with a promiscuous life, and as long i was in a relationship, everything would be fine. Well, i was wrong and imature to think that.
The addiction continued, and i have a 6 year relationship now. And even though i did not experiencede PIED in this 6 years, even more deep problems are present.
First, my tastes gradually evolved to extreme bdsm porn and transexual porn, in a way that i don't remember when was the last time i masturbated to a vanilla video. This caused, obviously, guilty sentiments, doubts about my sexuality (hocd) and the feeling that i'm not made to have a relationship, as i was everytime thinking about the kinds of sex you can only find frequenting prostitution centers and such.
Well,i am anxyous and obsessive in other aspects of life too, and it looks like my mind is always trying to find a way for not being in peace. And for an obsessive mind like mine (which i'm treating by the way, and showing signs of improvement) it is not hard to imagine how this messed up with my life. I was always in a bad mood, always cranky, couldn't concentrate, it was awful. A relatively good day always followed my a long extreme porn section resulting in a subsequent crappy day.
At this point, after long years, i discovered about porn addiction. And now, 1y6m after, i am 30 days PMO free. And here are my impressions. *NOTE: i didn't stop having sex with my girlfriend, as she doesn't know about my problem yet.
UPSIDE:
POINTS TO WORK:
Well, in this topic i'd like to ask help from the more experienced users. As long as extreme fetishes and shemale porn goes, everytime i think about it i get really excited even now, in day 30... A sick kind of excitement, with sweat in my hands and a thought of doing stupid things that fills my whole mind (yesterday i caught myself thinking seriously about going to the bank and getting money to hire an escort, even though my relationship is fine).
And here's the point. Sometimes i pass by zones in my town where i know i'll found prostitutes - woman and shemale - and i feel the urge to go there and have sex with them (i never had by the way).
So, i started a line of thought.. Could this be my brain trying to compensate the dopamine kicks i used to get from porn, now that it is being established that porn is not an option? Like: "Well, if you're not getting what i want from your computer, let's try something else!" Any of you guys experienced that? I really would appreciate feedback.
I won't make a move in this way, specially in respect with my fiancee and everything, it really isn't the lifestyle i cherish and life is not only about sex (it's important, but other things are more important), but these occurances really sometimes can be annoying, as it confuses you in thinking that this particular fetish won't go away, and eventually you will have to fulfill this fantasy...
Of course this does not happen everyday, but when it does, it is strong and it really can get in your way of doing things and being calm and happy.
I am aware that this is a journey and maybe 30 days is not enough for me... After all, it was almost 16 years of addiction and PMOing everyday... But can you guys give me some thought on my impressions? It would mean a lot to me.
Thanks guys, and congratulations for this wonderful community, in a subject that is really underrated and really serious.
First of all, sorry for possible (probable) english mistakes, as this is not my primary language.
Well, even though i discovered "Your brain on porn" and "Reboot Nation" almost a year and a half ago, only now i managed to build a 30 days PMO free milestone. And i feel pretty good about it, so i decided to share with you guys my experience, and of course ask if someone can help me figuring out some issues.
Like the absolute majority of the members here, my addiction started in my teenage years. As i got my first PC, and installed in my bedroom, everything changed in this aspect of my life, as i spent most of my days hours on the internet watching videos and PMOing heavily.
With time, extreme videos were being found, and arousement acquired for these videos. Everything was confuse but exciting when i was a teenager... But then, as a young adult, the issues started.
As a lot of guys, i found myself facing PIED at my college years, and at the time i didn't know why. Here's a fact. It was strange that whenever sex involved sentiment, i was good to go. A college guy with an average look can have a lot of sexual action in his college years. And so did i. But the thing is when i was given the chance to have casual sex with pretty woman, one night stands, i couldn't get things going. In the other hand, with my girlfriends i never had this problem, even though i always got anxyous in the first time, afraid that i wouldn't be able to wake up my little friend.
I am telling you this because this chain of events led me to believe that the problem is i'm not compatible with a promiscuous life, and as long i was in a relationship, everything would be fine. Well, i was wrong and imature to think that.
The addiction continued, and i have a 6 year relationship now. And even though i did not experiencede PIED in this 6 years, even more deep problems are present.
First, my tastes gradually evolved to extreme bdsm porn and transexual porn, in a way that i don't remember when was the last time i masturbated to a vanilla video. This caused, obviously, guilty sentiments, doubts about my sexuality (hocd) and the feeling that i'm not made to have a relationship, as i was everytime thinking about the kinds of sex you can only find frequenting prostitution centers and such.
Well,i am anxyous and obsessive in other aspects of life too, and it looks like my mind is always trying to find a way for not being in peace. And for an obsessive mind like mine (which i'm treating by the way, and showing signs of improvement) it is not hard to imagine how this messed up with my life. I was always in a bad mood, always cranky, couldn't concentrate, it was awful. A relatively good day always followed my a long extreme porn section resulting in a subsequent crappy day.
At this point, after long years, i discovered about porn addiction. And now, 1y6m after, i am 30 days PMO free. And here are my impressions. *NOTE: i didn't stop having sex with my girlfriend, as she doesn't know about my problem yet.
UPSIDE:
- Better life quality;
time to invest in my hobbies,
Better mood
Awareness to my surroundings, quicker decision-making
more creative and peaceful
guilt free day-to-day life,
HOCD extremely reduced (for those who are struggling with HOCD, i strongly recommend this reading:http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/understanding-and-treatment-obsessional-doubt-related-sexual-orientation-and-relationship - i believe beating HOCD demands more information than just stop watching porn, and this article is very rewarding)
POINTS TO WORK:
Well, in this topic i'd like to ask help from the more experienced users. As long as extreme fetishes and shemale porn goes, everytime i think about it i get really excited even now, in day 30... A sick kind of excitement, with sweat in my hands and a thought of doing stupid things that fills my whole mind (yesterday i caught myself thinking seriously about going to the bank and getting money to hire an escort, even though my relationship is fine).
And here's the point. Sometimes i pass by zones in my town where i know i'll found prostitutes - woman and shemale - and i feel the urge to go there and have sex with them (i never had by the way).
So, i started a line of thought.. Could this be my brain trying to compensate the dopamine kicks i used to get from porn, now that it is being established that porn is not an option? Like: "Well, if you're not getting what i want from your computer, let's try something else!" Any of you guys experienced that? I really would appreciate feedback.
I won't make a move in this way, specially in respect with my fiancee and everything, it really isn't the lifestyle i cherish and life is not only about sex (it's important, but other things are more important), but these occurances really sometimes can be annoying, as it confuses you in thinking that this particular fetish won't go away, and eventually you will have to fulfill this fantasy...
Of course this does not happen everyday, but when it does, it is strong and it really can get in your way of doing things and being calm and happy.
I am aware that this is a journey and maybe 30 days is not enough for me... After all, it was almost 16 years of addiction and PMOing everyday... But can you guys give me some thought on my impressions? It would mean a lot to me.
Thanks guys, and congratulations for this wonderful community, in a subject that is really underrated and really serious.