Restart to the fight of my life

Hi All,
So I spent the last 11 weeks training hard for a fitness test which I take this week.  I did the workout last week as a trial run, and may I say, I fucking killed it! ;D
During those 11 weeks, I was also actively engaged in finding new sex partners through a couple hook up sites, which I did many many times.  Like P, that experience is both somewhat thrilling (for the short term) and deeply empty and sad.
So now i am going to take it day by day without P and with no hook up site activities.
Briefly, married guy here, late forties, great sex life with my wife, but needed adventure.  Prior journal was "the fight for my life".  Initial attraction to porn was due to the desire to feel like other men (have a post on that too).  Led to deep depression, isolation, stagnation at work, etc.
I figure I can be a voice here for others who are struggling with sexual appetites that are self-destructive. 
Scott

Thanks AST.  Recovery is hard because you're trying to undo by will power neural pathways P created over time.  Right now, I am struggling to do something very simple:  Not log into hook up websites.  I have not even tried to say, Don't hookup with others, or no porn.  I am just trying to get through one more day without being on the sites.  And it's not easy.

So yesterday I succeeded in not using a hook up site, though i did have a real world hookup during the day, and then sex with my wife last night.  Interesting contrast, Made me realize these hook ups are not worth the time or risk or anything else.  I just wanna be done with this.
In the past,before the hook up sites became my addiction, my use of porn caused me not to have the time or the focus to put into a project that would have led me to a new and better job.  I now have a similar opportunity in front of me and want to spend this summer working on that to see if i can land the job.  So I have both a negative reason to get free of this addiction--it's not actually that satisfying--and a positive one: I could get a really awesome new job if only i put the work into it.  (They still have to hire me though).
Taking it one day at a time here.

MaddScott said:

So yesterday I succeeded in not using a hook up site, though i did have a real world hookup during the day, and then sex with my wife last night.  Interesting contrast, Made me realize these hook ups are not worth the time or risk or anything else.  I just wanna be done with this.
In the past,before the hook up sites became my addiction, my use of porn caused me not to have the time or the focus to put into a project that would have led me to a new and better job.  I now have a similar opportunity in front of me and want to spend this summer working on that to see if i can land the job.  So I have both a negative reason to get free of this addiction--it's not actually that satisfying--and a positive one: I could get a really awesome new job if only i put the work into it.  (They still have to hire me though).
Taking it one day at a time here.

Click to expand...

Sorry to be blunt, but do you actually respect your wife? Porn addiction is one thing, but you have been actively stepping out on your wife - and it doesn't sound like it bothers you particularly.

Malando, a couple of things.  For me, the P addiction and the fooling around on the side are definitely related.  Some people need increasing novelty in the porn they watch.  I never did that, but my added dopamine jolt came from sex with strangers.  Second, i know this is wrong and disrespectful to my wife.  I am not trying to defend myself.  I became addicted to this behavior and am here to stop it.  Third, it's not a simple thing as you imply.  If all it took for me to end this behavior was to respect my wife, I'd be done.  What if I said: if you respect yr spouse, why do you use porn and jerk off?  It's an addiction, and it hurts others.  But being addicted to porn and being addicted to sex with strangers are both addictions that are disrespectful to our regular partners.

So yesterday had three major milestones:  I successfully passed a weightlifting certification that I started training for back in March.  It took 11 weeks of training and 70 consecutive workouts.  I never missed once!  Successfully completed the required reps within the allotted time and feel really good about myself.  The self-control and discipline that I had there, and hoped would transfer into sexual self-control never happened.  But that was me fooling myself that I could do this on my own.

Second, I went the whole day without any time looking on the hookup sites.  Try to understand that this is the same mechanism for me as a P addiction.  You know when addicted guys look at P first thing in the morning, or as soon as they're home from school/work.  That was me with the hookup sites.  Would check multiple times a day, leave a post saying I was available, and then leave my email program open in the background so all the responses would show up on the desktop.  So one day without even looking is huge for me.

Third, for the first time in months, I feel like I have things to look forward to again.  Maybe the future won't be a repeat of my past.  And that has me hopeful.

Feeling good.  Went all day these past two days without any time on line looking at P or on the hook up sites.
I am about to start a trip where I won't have internet access for about a week.  Might have complained about that in the past, but it looks pretty appealing right now.  Not only will be brain get a week of re-wiring in, but I may have the chance to relax!

There's a chance for me to create a proposal that would lead to a major improvement in my job.  It will be tons of work and may not get approved in the end, but I have resolved that I will absolutely crush it, spending the whole summer working on it to make it the best proposal I can possibly do.  In the past, P-addiction so consumed my time and focus that prior opportunities like this never amounted to anything, all because of my behavior.  I am not going to permit that this time.  If they don't accept the proposal due to their own reasons, I will be fine with that.  If they reject it because it's very weak and superficial as i spent half the time screwing around on-line or off-line, I'll never be able to accept that.  So I won't let it happen. 

Off now to the airport and a week without wifi!

Ok I am back after a week without any access to the web to check out any P or hookup sites.  Guess what? I did it and have no MO at all during that time.  Even when I lay in bed a little and slept in, and was thinking about sex with my wife, I kept my hands off my junk.
So I will try to reset the counters if i can figure that out.
Hope I don't revert to my old ways when i am in the office tomorrow.  Mondays are often quiet and there are times when I am completely alone there.

Well done MS. Day at a time. FF

Thanks, FF.  So yesterday was really challenging.  It was the first full day back in my old routine, where part of that routine was being on line looking for a hookup and then streaming P on the side.  I did NOT fall into that yesterday but man was I tempted.  It's like I didn;t know what to do with my free time during work.  Where other guys might be checking sport scores, I used to do these bad sites.  So I sat there with my fingers on the keyboard, thinking: What addy should I type here?
Glad to say that I avoided both P sites and hook up sites.  Taking it one day at a time here.

Yesterday was second day back in old routine and again, sorely tempted to hit some bad sites.  Resisted though, which is good.  Really helps to have the counter with goals.
On the negative side, one person who i hooked up with in the past texted me and we ended up messing around some.  More of a moral issue, not an addiction one I guess.

Moral, addictive... Honestly I hate the word moral.  It hedges on philosophy and religion and carries the weight of judgment that may or may not belong to me. 

However the more I explore what feeding my addiction has done, the more I realize that I have crossed the line into behavior that isn't in alignment with who I am and want to be.  And then as I continued feeding it, the addict thinking convinces me that I am what I am not, that unacceptable behavior has become acceptable, and that my behavior drives who I am rather than my thinking driving my behavior.

As you unhook you may notice remnants of this addiction laying about in your psyche, behavior patterns that are out of alignment with who you are becoming.

No one goes through addiction unchanged.  Yet none can be freed from it without changing.

Hey BlueSun,
thanks for the message.  I agree it's complicated to use the language of morals here.  All I was trying to say was that my actions were not tied to a P-addiction, at least not as I have experienced that addiction to date (and I've had it for years). 
I made my goal of 15 days w/o P, so am now resetting the counter to 25 days.  For me anyway, these small increments help more, so being so close to the goal makes me less likely to mess up, than if I set a goal of 20 yrs no porn and fail after 10 days.
Scott

I'm super inspired!!!! Thanks for shining so brightly!

Yesterday was very hard, sorely tempted to get on the hookup sites, but instead I came here and read some posts. 
One thing I notice just reading how much suffering P causes people.  No other way to describe it.  So why would I agree to subject myself to this any more?

That said, old habits die hard and I'm one of the sufferers myself.  Even the recovery is a form of suffering, with this difference:  you can get better.

Scott

If P-addiction were the ocean, yesterday I went to the beach and walked straight up to the point where the water meets the shore.  I didn't go in, but put myself right in position to do so.  Here's the weird thing.  Resisting going in after making the conscious effort to go to the beach, did not make me feel good.  Instead, all of the negative feelings I would have gotten from watching P came to me anyway.  I did have MO, but no P.  Not really a good day, but on the plus side, I am well beyond my typical record for no P and no hookup sites.

Had a good weekend.  Things are easier when home with my family.  It's the long periods of time alone during my workday, which I often, but not always have, that present the challenge for failure.
During my addiction to the hookup sites, I used to get this incredible rush from getting a response from someone looking at my post/profile.  When that little flag when up that said hey she wants to chat with you, my heart rate literally spiked.
I have been working to replace that with more constructive things.  The approach has been to have a number of apps where I am tracking myself, so I can get the rush from seeing progress.
So every morning, I weight myself and enter that plus body fat % and lean muscle % into my phone.
I also come here and report.  Very focused on the counter not needing a reset.
Evenings, I enter things about my day into an app called GridDiary, where I customized most of the questions.
I am also training hard again and tracking my workouts with an app.
These are all forms of accountability, mostly to myself, but so far it seems to be working.

Hi MS,

Well done in writing your journal again and for resisting both P & hook-up sites.

I totally get the equal addiction to both. I used to do that. I also find not looking at and utilising hook-up sites a little more difficult.

Stay strong.

TM

YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR GOAL?
What's after 20 days of success???

Thanks, Tom.  I read some of your journal and certainly identify with things there.  Just a thought, many addicts need to swap out their friends, so that's something to look into for you (at least temporarily).  If your buds are going to brothels, that's bad for you even if you resist.

Blue Sun, i'm taking the counter in increments, so after 20 days is 25 days, and onward!

Yesterday, I REALLY wanted to be online looking for a hook up.  I resisted that and the use of P but did MO.  Second time since May 25th, which for me is really good.  My addiction is really to the rush of being connected to someone who wants to hook up, so that is what I am fighting not MO by itself.

I notice now I have a lot less negative self-talk (even when I fall down).  I used to have a script in my head, where I said things to myself like "I hate my life" etc.  I find that's going away.

Also getting a lot of work done on the proposal that would lead to a huge increase in my job.  In the past, I had a chance but was so distracted by time online that my proposal sucked and was rejected.  Not everyone gets a second chance and I'm resolved not to mess up again.

Super hard workout yesterday, but I did it