Return to Nature

On the fifteenth of December I went to bed with a girl I had met days previously in college. She was very attractive, especially when unclothed. I was able to get an erection for the blowjob, but consistently lost in when I tried to put it in. The extreme embarrassment of this situation brought me to thoughts of suicide, and severely hurt my self-confidence. In the depths of a psychological hell that night I decided that I would never watch porn again. My sexual wiring seems to be more inclined to find digital erotica more appealing than a voluptuous, flesh and blood woman. She's gone back to her home country now thankfully, but I am determined never to lie flaccid and impotent beside an eager sexual partner again. I have known that I have a porn problem for a long time; the porn I watched got steadily more hardcore and obscene as the years went on. The pain of that night was nigh unbearable. But it is such a relief to be (I hope) free of that poisonous addiction, a daily habit which regularly caused me to be quite ashamed of myself and eventually led to the pain of 15/12/18. I have avoided PMO for three days now. Many times I have attempted to stop, but never have I lasted a week. So here's to a return to the path of nature. Here's to recovery of my divine masculine desire. 
 
Tomorrow I hit the three week mark. I am very pleased about this. Certain aspects of my life have changed quite drastically since the start of this journey. I have become a lot stronger. I have much more energy. I am a better friend, and take a greater interest in my friends who I took for granted to some extent in the past. I have unloaded a devil off my back. No longer do I face the shame of dirty underwear thrown down the side of the bed after twenty minutes of extreme sexual imagery. I also find myself more stable. I have gotten to know myself a lot more, parts of myself previously ignored have now come into union with my full personhood.

An unexpected result of my rewiring is the calmness I feel about romantic love. I am a romantic person, many times in my life I have seen a woman 'fallen for her' and built her up into a fantasy. The fantasy is basically the idea that this girl or that girl will complete me. I will be happy only if I get her into my life and my arms. I view this as the Madonna side of the Madonna/Whore complex. The Whore side is obviously porn and the sexy women willing to do anything to please a man in pornography. With the abstention from indulgence, I have gained an equilibrium of sorts. I no longer look for happiness outside myself but from within. I love myself now and being able to shake an addiction that caused me much shame over the years has helped me massively to gain love of self.
 
Thirty days without masturbation! I am proud of myself, although it was easier than I had expected. I am one third of my way there, to ninety days. I intend never to watch pornography again, the shame of the 15 December still stings.

Something I came across recently on this journey was the Lover Archetype. When I went to bed with that woman, I was but a boy who knew not what the hell he was doing. These past four weeks have seen a leap into manhood. The impotent lover on one side, the addicted lover on the other. Two shadows between which I flitted constantly. Excessive moral constraint led to my sexual energy being pent up and then released in an unhealthy manner: alone with a computer screen in bed on the incognito tab. So my love and sexuality, my sacral shakra, were unbalanced. I walk a straight line now, and feel good about myself. Onwards with my return to normal masculine sex.

On a final note; I see this as a fated path, one onto which I was hurled with vim and vigour. I learn more about that which I call Me every day. God bless the quest.
 

Casta?o

Member
Hi man, congratulations on the 30 day mark!
It's really encouraging reading your journal. I myself haven't managed to pass the 14-day mark for quiet some time. I'm currently on day 9 and wish to reach what you've just done - 30 days without PMO. The lover archetypes and fantasies are also interesting. I think we are influenced a lot by stories where a man falls in love and is expected to do anything to "get" the girl. This goes way beyond Romeo and Juliet and I think it hurts our society a lot.

Keep it up man, and keep us posted!
 
It's day 40. I am posting because I had temptations a few minutes ago, even now after so long without pmo. I think I had depression for a few years, from 16-20 years old. This seems to have cleared up. The worst times of my life were always the long walk home after a night out on the town. Cold, drunk and lonely I would slump the hours walk home with a cloud of blue thoughts hanging above my head. I would also get exhausted during the night and be socially anxious, oftentimes I would leave abruptly as a cause of my general negative feelings. Last night I stayed till the end, was not tired really and was very social. I also enjoyed much much female attention even from girls who had previously shown little interest in me. That made me feel great. It might have something to do with pheromones or some kind of animal magnetism due to the ceasing of constant masturbation. My eyes are wide open, I am fully clued into the moment, the conversation. I walk tall and nobly and honestly every second girl gives me a look. I have the energy to be back in the gym. I started yoga today in college, and started a conversation with a hot girl there afterwards.

I have gained more self-discipline and control. Last night a girl from my past appeared, recently single. We talked for a while and had a number of fun sexual jokes. It's possible that we will start having sex in the next few weeks, a prospect I fear and which excites me. But, I was able to look past my own immediate lust and see her as a friend. I sympathised with her as a friend about her break up and did not try to go home with her even though I could have probably gotten a blowjob from her. I treated her as a human being. Not an object of sexual gratification as porn had taught me.

I don't have much more to say. The journey is going well, life is so much better. All I have is a slight sadness that I won't ever be seeing those amazing exciting dopamine-draining videos again. As much 'pleasure' as I got from them during my seven years of porn, they brought me to the edge of annihalation as well as giving me horrible shame, sadness, lack of energy, loneliness, social anxiety, unmanly conduct, misogynistic views...etc. I could go on, porn was a demon to me, it sucked the colour out of life for me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that this is the most significant and beneficial change I have ever made. There's no stopping me, I feel like a king. God bless the broken road.
 

Joosh

Member
Be wary of pride and cautious of flattery on this part of the journey. The king is easily brought down without the wisdom and foresight of the mage. Casual sexual encounters come with a price. In your last post there still is a validation-seeking air present. A validation no other human being can give you. I do sense a strong lover archetype with you. Try expanding this love beyond 'the (hot) woman' and see what it does for you.
Also take a note of that you said you have a slight "sadness" of having to miss out on the dopamine excitement of porn. I can relate as i'm also having alluring thoughts trying to sugarwhisper me back into the world of cybersex. The fact you chose the word sadness might allude to there still being emotional ties to that old world. Make sure you replace that sadness with a joy that trancends the sacral into the heart.
 
Your take on my situation came at the right time Joosh, thanks. I'm currently experiencing what must be a flatline. It's difficult to feel so dispirited after feeling like a king. I feel more down to earth, maybe even more grounded which could be due to my recent efforts at doing yoga. You tell me to beware of seeking validation from women and others, you're right. The truth is I still seek the boosts to self-esteem that come with attention from girls especially attractive ones. I guess I haven't come as far as I thought I had, I know this because thoughts of an old love-obsession of mine still take up valuable mental space.

I'm on day 48 now. I have faith that what I'm doing is good and necessary. And I also believe that this negative time will not last forever, in fact I think it might bestow some humility upon me. Interestingly enough, my life has improved quite a lot even in the last few days of flatline. College is going well, family life is good, I am productive and trying to act nobly in the world. This aura of negativity I feel hanging around me must be due to the flatline. The sadness I feel is not the energy eating, world-darkening depression I have previously felt however. It is more akin to a black cloud hanging above a bright city - the light I feel inside is strong enough to keep the storm at bay.

Suffering and sacrifice are necessary for strength and soul.
 
It is day 50. Great. The flatline is gone I think, I feel back to NoFap normal which means I feel energetic and ready to take the world on. Here is something I've noticed about having all of this masculine juice stored up inside; I am attracted to girls, but I am more able to control myself and treat them like human beings. Not outlets of gratification. Like a man who has trained himself to fight and could annihilate anyone in physical combat who prefers to be peaceful. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the kingdom of or in Jordan Peterson's take on the line: Blessed are those who have swords and the strength to use them, but will not unless necessary. Power over one's desires and lusts - self-discipline, qualities that come with denying oneself the cheap and destructive pleasure that comes with that most false of friends Pornography.

My skin has gotten a lot better; I used to have trouble with spots and pimples especially on my nose which was no fun for a self-conscious young lad. I can only think of one spot I have had on my face the last fifty days. Had I known that my skin would clear up, and gain a healthy reddish glow I imagine I would have had the fortitude to get on the right path years ago. I am walking my dog in ten minutes and looking forward to it. I walked him yesterday and found the park more beautiful than ever before. When I was wanking my base happiness was about a four eg. my general mood was low and being sad seemed normal and even natural. The world was often blue. Now my base happiness is about a seven. I have this peace and positivity brimming out of my inner well. I am improving my life and my relationships. Now imagine if I had gone the other way after the 15th of December 2018, if I had sunk into despair and ever deeper into the pit that is porn. I can write this without fear of falsehood: my life would be worse and possibly hellish.

I still get nervous when I think of sex. I am still afraid that I will lose my erection when with a woman again. But that's healthy because it's another line of defence against the legions of videos out there on the incognito tab. 
 

blueRaccoon

Active Member
15December18 said:
It is day 50. Great. The flatline is gone I think, I feel back to NoFap normal which means I feel energetic and ready to take the world on. Here is something I've noticed about having all of this masculine juice stored up inside; I am attracted to girls, but I am more able to control myself and treat them like human beings. Not outlets of gratification. Like a man who has trained himself to fight and could annihilate anyone in physical combat who prefers to be peaceful. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the kingdom of or in Jordan Peterson's take on the line: Blessed are those who have swords and the strength to use them, but will not unless necessary. Power over one's desires and lusts - self-discipline, qualities that come with denying oneself the cheap and destructive pleasure that comes with that most false of friends Pornography.

My skin has gotten a lot better; I used to have trouble with spots and pimples especially on my nose which was no fun for a self-conscious young lad. I can only think of one spot I have had on my face the last fifty days. Had I known that my skin would clear up, and gain a healthy reddish glow I imagine I would have had the fortitude to get on the right path years ago. I am walking my dog in ten minutes and looking forward to it. I walked him yesterday and found the park more beautiful than ever before. When I was wanking my base happiness was about a four eg. my general mood was low and being sad seemed normal and even natural. The world was often blue. Now my base happiness is about a seven. I have this peace and positivity brimming out of my inner well. I am improving my life and my relationships. Now imagine if I had gone the other way after the 15th of December 2018, if I had sunk into despair and ever deeper into the pit that is porn. I can write this without fear of falsehood: my life would be worse and possibly hellish.

I still get nervous when I think of sex. I am still afraid that I will lose my erection when with a woman again. But that's healthy because it's another line of defence against the legions of videos out there on the incognito tab.

Congrats man!! Keep on going. 8)
 
It's day 56. I have only accepted that my current libido is low in the past few days. This has been quite liberating. I don't think my libido is naturally low, but at the moment it really is. For the past few weeks this has been freaking me out but now I realise it was just part of the healing process. It might be the case that our culture encourages men to see themselves as sex-machines - always desirous of sex, always ready to perform in bed. And of course the bullish male pornstars who set the standard for young men in the age of internet porn do little to discredit this image. Thus when I am left feeling no real desire to chase women, I feel sub-standard and weak. As if I am not a man. For the moment I am not concerned with sex. I still fight urges to watch porn daily. I am winning the fight. I do hope that in the near future my libido will rise and stabilise so that I am fully able to enjoy my sexuality naturally and with control. In fact I believe that I will be more than merely healed of porn induced erectile dysfunction. I will be able to embody the lover-in-his-fullness.

I'm going to list some benefits of nofap I have noticed in the last few days.
-I have finally started writing a book eg. I am going at it properly, trying to write a thousand words a day. There is some truth to the theory of sexual transmutation; the energy I had leaked out of myself through PMO all those years drained me of creativity.
-I am so much happier, literally. It's so strange and so beautiful to live without the chains of depression. Here's a new term: PID (porn induced depression). It is as if I have this support underneath me, bracing me and preventing me from falling into the pit of despair. I got this image from Leo Tolstoy's book "Confessions"; I am secure and facing the heavens.
-I have more respect for myself. Refraining from the temporary pleasure of porn is not easy, but so far I have. Even when I get advertisements with pornstars encouraging me to go onto the old websites, I smile grimly and just look away. Sacrifice of pleasure in the short term will lead to great fruits in the long term.
-I am strong again physically. Back in the gym.
-I don't have a secret shame. Too many times I felt guilty going to bed after praying knowing I would be watching some obscene videos in a matter of minutes.
-I have become more noble and honourable. I had the moral fortitude to forego my petty grievances and make it up with a girl in my course - I asked her out, she said no, I have stopped myself from reacting bitterly to her...she's a human being above all else. I have no right to not be a friend to her just because she wasn't interested in me. I would not have been able to write that a few months ago.
 

blueRaccoon

Active Member
Great going man. I do agree with what you have said on the culturally defined sexuality. I have struggled with that myself, I often wondered what exactly the male-sexuality really represents and you my friend have provided some of the answers. I'm on 16th day of my journey and your posts definitely are something which I will be looking for when I'm at your stage. Keep doing your best ;D
 
Day 60. Two thirds of the ninety day journey completed.
I was out last night celebrating this point. I find it hard to believe that I have managed to abstain from PMO for about two months. I can feel my sexuality becoming stronger and more potent. Yet it is not a case of youthful horniness, it is a more mature and controlled approach to women and the world. I intend to remain on hard mode for the next thirty days. I am confident that if I was about to have sex with a woman I liked that at this point I would not suffer the humiliation of PIED. However I do think I'll keep myself and my body to myself till the ninety days is finished. And then? Who knows. I am enjoying the celibate life very much, I don't think I have ever had this much peace. I do fear though that my 'peace' and 'lack of interest' is merely a mask for my reluctance to put myself in harm's way again. But anyway, I am at the 60 day mark and I am proud of my achievement. I will list some of the negatives of PMO now.

-Reduced energy. Just a general sluggishness used to pervade my daily doings when wanking twice or more daily. These days I have more than enough energy on a night out, which makes them twice as good. I have also started drinking less.
-Shame. I knew the crap I was watching was unreal, mysogynistic and soulless. 
-Balance of Lover energy. I have noticed that I am not under the influence of the Madonna/Whore complex anymore. I would view these videos of women as objects nightly, and then pine for a perfect, good and caring woman to save me in the daytime. Now I float around the place, recognising beauty and sexiness, but realising that the soul of a woman counts most. I don't want to become sexually intimate with a stranger, I want to 'save myself' for a woman I love.
-Spots on my face. My pimples have cleared up, just another of the amazing side-effects of nofap.
-Lack of interest in friends. I was not the best friend in my pornographic days, being with them would bore me quickly and I would often leave early to get my hit of dopamine and pleasure from tube sites.
-I wasn't comfortable with my body. I was abusing my brain and my penis for years.  Now I do yoga and I workout and even fast a bit.
-Unrealistic expectations. Watching porn had me thinking I needed to be some kind of sex god, getting hard and lasting for insane amounts of time. And of course I saw women as a collection of exaggerated body parts.
-Erratic and unstable sex drive. I used to toggle between crazy horniness and complete disinterest.
-Settling for the worst possible method of sexual release. Seriously, if anyone is reading this, what were we doing all of those PMO years? Curling up in bed or in the bathroom trying to 'impregnate a screen'. So so unnatural. So FUCKED UP.
 

Rebooter2019

Active Member
Awesome! I'm glad to you've progress this much man! Yeah PMO is fucked up, but when you don't know it's hard to stay away when you've hijacked your brain that way!

These are only few exemples of what PMO can do to someone. It's sad that it's not pictured that way in our society...

Keep going, you're doing great!
 
Day 62. Four weeks until I hit the ninety day mark. I really don't think I am going to fail at this late hurdle, but I will tighten restrictions a little just in case. All is going well otherwise; this nofap journey has brought with it the drive for self-improvement on many levels. The plan is to make myself as attractive as possible to as many women as possible and to choose one. A woman who is beautiful, true and good. But for the moment I am good alone. At the end of the day, the nofap journey is an individual and personal journey. I am the person who decided to stop doing something that I enjoyed because I decided it was not a positive force in my life. I made the necessary sacrifice. I do believe that I would benefit from having a woman with whom I could talk about my PIED and performance anxiety, so that I could ease my way into nature's proper sexuality. Yet however many beauties I see at college, I know that none of them hold my heart. And that is a fine place to be; If I do meet such a woman then great. If not, roll on the next fortnight.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Very motivating story, 15december18.

Topic of casual sex vs long-term relationship goes beyond the scope of getting rid of PMO addiction when angles like morality etc are involved. But strictly practical side of things: getting a serious GF now would put a lot less pressure on you as far as performing flawlessly during your first sex. All long-term worthy women will definitely be understanding if you do not keep it hard  at first. That would take a lot of potential pressure off and ironically enough could help you perform better without performance anxiety.

But I am sure you will find your own way. Keep up the good work.
 
Day 66. Today was a good day overall, I got a lot done. But there I had a bad feeling nearly all day. I just felt out of sorts, annoyed at people, stuffy, irritable. Generally off. It wasn't pleasant considering how good things have been ever since I started this nofap journey. Maybe it was fears of impotence again. I never want to be emasculated like I was on the 15 of December 2018 again. Your penis not working and the girl thinking some thing is wrong with you and your sexuality...I really think few things are more painful. Within reason of course. However finding other guys who have been hurt by PIED really helped and helps. I found out that there was a reason for my cock not working. And I learnt how it could work again. Thank God.

What I take from today; I was feeling weird and kind of angry, like all the anger was boiling beneath my skin for no clear reason and I couldn't get it out, I was feeling this way and I didn't watch porn or masturbate. Which would have cleared my head for five minutes. And then would absolutely have torn me to pieces. Advice to self: Porn will only make things worse. If you feel like shit, porn will lower you to the level of shit. That stuff really fucked you up in the past and you know this is true. Go make the world better somehow. Don't watch that filth and engage in the most pathetic of indulgent pleasures. Everything in your life is worse when porn is added to the equation. You've tasted the joy and lightness of freedom from this addiction so come on man, don't do this negative act to yourself. Remember; better skin, stronger, more confident, more social, no shame, better sleep, self-discipline, serious increase in attractiveness, increase in creativity, strong drive towards success, clear headedness, more time.
We have 24 days to go till we hit standard hard mode reboot completion- 90 days! I am proud of myself for getting here and will have much respect for myself on day 90 without having wanked or watched porn for three months.
 

Pete McVries

Active Member
Great stuff, a lot of insights. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work. Today is a milestone for me. 45 days PMO free without a single slip. Halfway through the magical 90 days, but I know it's only the start to something bigger.
 
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