Breaking Addiction

Warning:- Sad and Sorrow

Hello everyone.
My name is muhammad taha. I am 26 years old guy.
I have been on this forum with different ID and names in past.
But I am one of oldest member here.
At one time, I had the greatest numbers of post in my bag on this forum.

So lets start with my life story. I will just be brief. otherwise I would have to write 10 pages.

Life story briefly

I was born with Moebius syndrome, a very rare and extremely shameful defect for the victim of bad gene.
I had a extremely hard childhood.
I had problems in my school too.
I was physically and emotionally abused by kids at school, teachers , my parents and most of the people I knew.
I was sexually abused by my cousin too, although it was not a rape but it was by the agreement of both. but still it was sexual exploitation of young kid.
Problems and difficulties remained in my life for ever.

Now I am living in US.

Current Situation

Although I am making some money but I am not satisfied with my job at this time.
I am suffering from porn addiction and frequent ejaculations.
Porn is all about girls and love, but the most hated part is the ejaculation which comes after that.
I hate ejaculation more than porn.

any ways that's a different debate.

So,

I am suffering also from severe depression.
I am suffering from social anxiety.
I face many kinds of anxieties.

I can be bipolar as well, because for very short peiod of time I become religious muslim, but soon after that I come back into reality and become atheist again.
in the same manner, sometimes  I become very nice person,good loving and caring and then I become selfish again when I come back into reality.

I don't have any problem with being selfish and atheist.
I love to be selfish and atheist.

Religion for me is just waste of time.

But I want to end the mood swing and this bipolar personality.
sometimes good sometimes bad, this should end.

suicidal thoughts are always coming in my brain.
few days back I went into kitchen, grabbed a knife in right hand and I was looking at my veins in left hand, and I was just thinking how much pain I will go through if I cut my veins and get freedom from this dark life.
but then I decided I might try some other day, lets see there might be some hope in near future.

so I am really getting suicidal now.

Current Decision

Now things have got completely out of my control area, now I have decided to go to doctor.
I have taken the doctor's appointment for next week.
now without the help of drugs and doctor I might kill myself.
I need antidepressants and drugs desperately now
So I am fighting back against porn addiction and other problems in my life.
I am not giving up.

I hope future might bring some peace in this shittt dark life.

Peace..........

Hello mtaha,

as you mentioned you have been here on RN under many different ID's. I know that, because you were so kind and wrote under those ID's in my journal.

As you might expect, I want to ask you, do you have any hobbies or activities to attend in your free time?

And I also want to ask if you could try to stay under one ID. I believe it might be hard for you, but it will make it easier for us to help you.

Good luck mate!

Thank you Hablablos. you got it right.
Changing IDs also have became OCD for me.
My mind keeps on changing, this is the reason now I have to go to doctor for medical help.
I really have not much activities in free time.
I am trying to develop book reading habit though.

That's great. In my journal I made a list of books I recommend.

What I also can recommend is to start to work out as well. Because when you see physical changes on yourself, that will help you mentally as well.

Hablablos said:

That's great. In my journal I made a list of books I recommend.

What I also can recommend is to start to work out as well. Because when you see physical changes on yourself, that will help you mentally as well.

Click to expand...

Thanks I will find out those books from library.
Thank you man.

I relapsed once again just few minutes ago.

To stop swinging I have to decided to run just one forum account on one forum, there are other porn addiction forums as well, but Rebootnation is like a home for me.
So I am gonna stick with Rebootnation.

I have deleted other accounts on other forum.
so I could concentrate much better on one forum.

I have reset my counter as well.

30 days goal is reasonable for me at this point in recovery.

I will go to doctor next week.
I am having some difficulties though, I have to find out some information from my insurance company.

I guess first 3 visits to psychiatrist might be free and then I will have to pay till deductibles are met.

I will not drop Medical help plan.
medicines will definitely help me in my other areas of life.

I will again heal myself instead controlling.
And instead of perfection I will go for progress.

My first target is now to completely destroy the "swings" in my recovery.
double personality, bipolar attitude must be destroyed now for ever.

I will stick to one plan now onwards.
That's it.

Walk through heaven and hell but with one plan.
I will stick to one website as well, reboot nation.

swinging and mind changes are more lethal for me than relapses..

relapses play a role in swinging, but now I will be strict on myself.

I relapsed again.
I was completely out of my control.

where is my balance gone ?
feeling sad but hopeful.

this compulsion might end now.
tomorrow chaser effect will strike, I am prepared for it.

After two relapses yesterday in just 8 hours, I have got some sanity. Insanity has reduced.
Although energy level is good. I don't know why, but even after 2 ejaculations I am feeling good and healthy.
Cravings for porn and thoughts of porn are coming and going.
cravings and thoughts are not that intense though.
The best way to distract myself from porn is to listen to some audiobook today.
I have some holidays from work.
So I have a lot empty time with nothing to do.

I am going to doctor on Thursday.

Doctor is not psychiatrist he is just internal medicine.

my insurance plan , carefirst hmo adult doesn't covers the cost for specialist.

so I have to compromise on PCP only.

I request him antidepressant for social anxiety and depression.
I will not discuss bipolar, otherwise he will send me to psychiatrist and I can't afford.

I will just discuss depression, anxiety and OCD (porn)(compulsion to porn) with doctor.

Only 3 three things
1. depression
2. social anxiety (anxiety)
3. OCD ( Porn addiction )

lets see what Thursdays brings for me.

Relapsed again guys.
Insanity continues.

Relapsed 3 times in a row in just 24 hours.
exactly 24 hours and 3 ejaculations.

I am giving myself a rest now.

I don't know whats wrong.

Got some sanity.
I had taken cvs severe cold/flu nighttime yesterday night to create some balance in my head.
feeling a lot better.
those haunting thoughts are gone.
doing better today.
I had job today and tomorrow.
so time will pass and I will stay busy.

muhammadtaha2016 said:

Warning:- Sad and Sorrow

Hello everyone.
My name is muhammad taha. I am 26 years old guy.
I have been on this forum with different ID and names in past.
But I am one of oldest member here.
At one time, I had the greatest numbers of post in my bag on this forum.

So lets start with my life story. I will just be brief. otherwise I would have to write 10 pages.

Life story briefly

I was born with Moebius syndrome, a very rare and extremely shameful defect for the victim of bad gene.
I had a extremely hard childhood.
I had problems in my school too.
I was physically and emotionally abused by kids at school, teachers , my parents and most of the people I knew.
I was sexually abused by my cousin too, although it was not a rape but it was by the agreement of both. but still it was sexual exploitation of young kid.
Problems and difficulties remained in my life for ever.

Now I am living in US.

Current Situation

Although I am making some money but I am not satisfied with my job at this time.
I am suffering from porn addiction and frequent ejaculations.
Porn is all about girls and love, but the most hated part is the ejaculation which comes after that.
I hate ejaculation more than porn.

any ways that's a different debate.

So,

I am suffering also from severe depression.
I am suffering from social anxiety.
I face many kinds of anxieties.

I can be bipolar as well, because for very short peiod of time I become religious muslim, but soon after that I come back into reality and become atheist again.
in the same manner, sometimes  I become very nice person,good loving and caring and then I become selfish again when I come back into reality.

I don't have any problem with being selfish and atheist.
I love to be selfish and atheist.

Religion for me is just waste of time.

But I want to end the mood swing and this bipolar personality.
sometimes good sometimes bad, this should end.

suicidal thoughts are always coming in my brain.
few days back I went into kitchen, grabbed a knife in right hand and I was looking at my veins in left hand, and I was just thinking how much pain I will go through if I cut my veins and get freedom from this dark life.
but then I decided I might try some other day, lets see there might be some hope in near future.

Click to expand...

Hi mohammed , i think i  know you , you commented in several of my posts. Perhaps i can relate more , in both suicidal  thought , and also on the religious side , for me my biggest lost was my fatn toward my religion , this addiction  takes every strenght source we have, i'm also struggling with guetting back to my faith, and please , during your reboot , you will experience full emotional hights from suicide to extreme happines , so if you get those demons ideas about suicide ' feel it , understand it , and then let it go , it will eventualy go away

Hello mtaha,

it was not so long ago when I felt depressed and had suicidal thought. Yet now it seems like it was in a different life. I got here by working hard on myself. I can't guarantee it will make the same miracle as it did for me, but I believe it is worth of trying. Below are a few habits I developed, which greatly helped me with the process.

1. Plan your day - take a notebook and start planning your next day. Decide what will go first, what will follow. And also write a specific time when you want to start. Because when you write it all down, you will feel more commited to actually do it. And when you finish it, cross it. By that you will see you fulfilled it. Repeat this process every day, because this one is very crucial!

2. Read 10 pages of a book - for me personally this is a must. Even if I don't do any other activity, I do not dare to cross this one out. You talked about trying to develop a reading habit. How it goes so far?

3. Start working out - it doesn't have to be anything drastic. Do 10 push up every day. After that you can go for more. When you will see physical changes, you will feel better as well.

4. Eat a piece of a fruit - apple, orange doesn't matter. Do it for healtier diet.

5. Take a cold showers - this is actually a great shock therapy. Because doing that you will learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations more likely. And for start I would recommend doing it in the morning.

It may seems like it is not much. But from my own experience I know these not much repeated every day makes all the difference. Start doing these thing every day for a month. Write somewhere if you did them or not. Don't trust your memory in this. And appreciate yourself for every completed day when you did all of these things.

About PMO I would recommend you this. Set number of days to 7 without watching any P and just focus on reaching them. You may M, don't counter that into this. Just no watching P. When you manage, set it to 15 days and so on. Make the target more reachable. And again appreciate yourself for managing that.

I liked a phrase from No More Mr. Nice Guy: If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.

So in order to get away from that you need to do something differently. I hope it helps

Thanks Young shinobi.
Yeah I try my best to let suicidal thoughts go away as quickly as possible.

Thanks Hablablos
What a great post it was.
Thanks for sharing your insights with me and other members of the forum.
I will definitely try some of these things in my daily life.
Like 10 pushups and cold showers.
and 10 pages of the book.

Thanks once again

Last 2 days were very busy.
I was just working and sleeping.
Any ways.
I got a break after 3 relapses.

Got almost 3 days now.
now today I am going to doctor first time in my life for mental illness.
lets see what brings it for me,

Okay guys I have not been here on this forum from couple of days.
so I will try to keep it short.

I went back into religious stuff before going to Doctor.
but that swing was not that lengthy. May be I stayed in religion for half a day.

Next day was the doctor's appointment.

I went to doctor office before appointment time.
First I went through standard regular checkup.
The girl weighted me and then checked my blood pressure and temperature.
Everything was prefect and good, even though I was at the peak of anxiety due to meeting new people and new atmosphere.

Then She started asking me different questions.
Like what problem do you have ?
I told her I have no physical problem. My problem is mental, I have depression and anxiety.
Then she asked me if I was ever suicidal or I was trying to hurt myself or others?
I told her yes I was suicidal in past.
Then she asked me if my parents are still alive?
I told her yes they are good and alive.
Then she asked me if I drink alcohol , smoke weed , marijuana or any other drugs ?
I told her no.

Then she left the room and told me doctor is coming soon in the room.

I waited anxiously in room for 10 minutes. I was really confused.

I had already made list of points on my cell phone.

When Doctor came in the room.

He asked me first question, if I am going to college and working.
I told him yes.

So he asked me what is your problem?
I told him, I have made list on my cell phone.
He started looking at my list on cell phone.

Then I started telling him.
I told him with shame, I am addicted to porn movies. Now compulsion and obsession to porn has ruined my life.
then he said what is this Bipolar religion in the list ?
I told him that I think I have bipolar personality disorder.
sometimes I become religious and then I become atheist.

then he saw social anxiety.
I told him I feel confused and anxious meeting new people and going outside.

then he saw SSRI on my list.
I told him, that I saw online that antidepressants SSRI helps sex addicts and porn addicts a lot.

So then he said to me the following.

this is your self diagnosis , this can be right and this can be wrong.
He referred me to psychiatrist, only for therapy and consultation.He allowed only 4 visits to psychiatrist.

He told me that he is giving me SSRI antidepressants Lexapro 10 MG to start.

he told me only medicines don't work, you have to improve yourself.

see everything in moderation.

you use to watch porn now it became a habit.

don't go to porn while on these SSRI drugs, tell yourself this porn gives me depression.

leave religion, and try to give the maximum good to this world.
always think how to make world a better place.

he said only medicines don't work, you have to work yourself too.

he gave me lexapro 10 mg prescription for 4 months and referred me to psychiatrist for therapy.

First day on Lexapro 10 MG
So in the morning before going to work, I took Lexapro 10 MG at 5 AM in the morning.

first hour was tough. I felt lot of sweating and heartburn.
But then things got normal.

All day I was feeling great.
Before I can't see people in their eyes, today on this SSRI drug I was able to communicate with people without any hesitation.
I was feeling good and happy all day.
depression was gone.

Anxiety was a lot better.
but anxiety was there, when I was going to somewhere new, I felt a lot anxiety.

Sexual thoughts and cravings for porn has completely gone.
There is absolutely no sexual desire.
Zero sex drive on first day of Lexapro 10 MG.

I am enjoying this freedom.

Thanks for sharing about what's going on lately. I hear those meds sometimes can take a few days to fully kick in; one of my Group counseling buddies has been on for a few weeks and he thinks they help, along with his positive habits of course.

"The secret to happiness is freedom, the secret to freedom is courage"

Keep at it!
-siphus

siphus said:

Thanks for sharing about what's going on lately. I hear those meds sometimes can take a few days to fully kick in; one of my Group counseling buddies has been on for a few weeks and he thinks they help, along with his positive habits of course.

"The secret to happiness is freedom, the secret to freedom is courage"

Keep at it!
-siphus

Click to expand...

Yeah I heard the same thing that these medicines take some time to work effectively.
But in my case, it is working from day 1.
I can feel the difference.

Or may be my chemical imbalance in brain was too extreme.

But it's a life saver for me,
I was getting suicidal , so I decided, enough is enough now I have to take chance and risk and have to try medicines.

Second day on Lexapro 10 Mg

second day no cravings or compulsive sexual thoughts.
I went into a very low depression in the night before going to bed.
anxiety was Okay and good.

not felt a lot anxiety.

overall was a great day.