Ugh... This is difficult

Quick back story

- 14 years of P abuse and chronic M
- Varying degrees of ED for my entire sexual career (10 years)
- After ED ruined a relationship with a girl that I was crazy about, I found YBOP and this forum
- I'm nearly 2 months in no PMO

Here is what I'm struggling with

Firstly, I have had one PMO relapse.  The craving / excitement / instant rock hard erection that I experienced with my relapse pretty much cemented the fact that I'm dealing with a severe case of PIED.  So as guilty as I immediately felt afterwards, I do see it as a learning / growing experience. 

Flat lining has been a freakin roller coaster ride from hell.  I haven't been able to go longer than two weeks without M.  Typically, by the end of one week no M, my libido is out of control.  All I can think about is the pursuit of sex.  I obsess over it.  Unfortunately, I live in a new city and know nobody, so it's difficult to get the real thing.  I found myself pouring through Craigslists ads obsessively - even at work.  Anybody who's ever been desperate enough to go that route knows how much of a waste of time it is for a straight guy.  After a while, I realized I was getting slight erections just reading these ads and it came to me that I was subconsciously kind of getting my P fix from just the text alone and the accompanying fantasy thoughts.  CL and all dating sites have been removed from the equation. 

Multiple times now, I've woken up from an erotic dream with a full blown erection and just have been unable to resist the urge to finish myself off - fantasizing about whoever was in the dream.  I know that's bad, but I honestly don't know if I possess the will power to keep myself from doing that! 

Also, everybody who says "testing" is a bad idea - they could not be more correct.  I've "tested" many times, and I've been able to stop myself fewer times than I've finished.  Really trying to cut that out too. 

I guess my biggest issue right now is that when I come out of a flat line, my obsessive "all things sex" thoughts are out of control.  The sad part is even in that state, I'm sure if I had the opportunity to have real sex, my little buddy would be a no show to the party.

I'm just feeling frustrated, and wish there was some way to tell for sure that you are getting "better."  I'll continue to fight the good fight. 

That is possible to get a fix from the text, it takes discipline. (I am not talking from experience because I am not nearly as disciplined as some people... however I know it does take discipline and reading articles, one can figure that on their own.) Stay away from all induced cravings of "P." I almost relapsed yesterday cause I was on twitter and saw porn sites I followed and took a peak but only for about a min then I closed my eyes pushed the back button and then unfollowed them. So, you are not alone in relapsing a little. I heard and read that overtime you will get more confident in your seek for natural sexual adventures but it takes time and it also will help not to focus on looks or imagery. Sex is all about touch and feeling and intimacy. See if you objectify women and saw that there was women or partners that might have been worthy but with the fix of trying to find that porn star made you turn away (by all means I am not saying you do this, it might just be a possibility.) If you feel the urge to "M" than focus only on the feeling and do not fantasizes or picture anyone just focus on your touch. Do this and it will help train your brain to not visualize or have flashing images in your brain. You might not be able to keep being aroused or be aroused but that is natural with someone who has became addicted to "P." Although if you feel that you have to take out all "M" or anything take makes you have thoughts than I suggest go with your heart and what your soul is telling you. Trust yourself because you know what is bad and what might lead you back to a negative path. Someone suggested to clap your hands, tense your muscles in your arms and then clap really loud and then walk away or go outside in a public area. Hope that helps a little.

Every man goes through a period from adolescence to manhood where they must learn to harness and control their sexual urges.  Unfortunately in our culture boys are taught to masturbate constantly to porn and that this is all normal.  You will have to relearn how to harness your sexual energy and use it for good. 

Just because you get aroused and get an erection does not mean you have to do something with it, which it seems like you are starting to understand.  When you are feeling your libido getting "out of control" what can you do instead?  Pushups, workout, running?

Have you seen the Youtube series from "Sacred Sexuality" ?  It's by a recovering porn addict.  Pretty good stuff about masculinity.  I think there is one called "what do I do with all these boners"....might be worth a look.

Bibbity said:

Every man goes through a period from adolescence to manhood where they must learn to harness and control their sexual urges.  Unfortunately in our culture boys are taught to masturbate constantly to porn and that this is all normal.  You will have to relearn how to harness your sexual energy and use it for good. 

Just because you get aroused and get an erection does not mean you have to do something with it, which it seems like you are starting to understand.  When you are feeling your libido getting "out of control" what can you do instead?  Pushups, workout, running?

Have you seen the Youtube series from "Sacred Sexuality" ?  It's by a recovering porn addict.  Pretty good stuff about masculinity.  I think there is one called "what do I do with all these boners"....might be worth a look.

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Appreciate the replies.  I will definitely check out that youtube series.  New goal is no more MO, period.