Why I am putting chat rooms and apps behind me

Andrew1973

Andrew1973

Active Member
Hi all,

If you want to understand a bit more about why I am here, please feel free to look at my journal. I wanted to make this post to share a few thoughts about my reasons for deciding why I have chosen to banish chat activity from my life.

To give some context, although I have been a user of porn for over 3 decades (I'm 47), the chat 'thing' has caused me particular guilt and pain. I wanted to share this to see if it resonated with anyone.

I discovered chat probably around 3 or 4 years ago (not sure exactly when). I recall the excitement that it generated in me, a seasoned porn user was almost like the first time I discovered porn itself. The anticipation (usually when I knew my wife was going out), the process of logging on, selecting a user name that succinctly described what I was there for, the buzz of the little symbol indicating that I had a message, and the filth that followed...it's a process that I've repeated many times.

I think I am particularly susceptible to chat as a medium of PMO for a few reasons - 1) I am extrovert in nature, and human contact is something that lights my brain up irrespective of the subject matter 2) I am quite expressive and articulate and enjoy communicating in written form 3) I like to please people - not in a subservient sense, but I thrive on recognition and the thought that I can please people by delivering a great roleplay etc gives me a certain satisfaction.

I have wasted hour upon hour, day upon day with this pastime. It has left me feeling:

- Guilty: although my wife knows of my struggles with porn and is super supportive, both emotionally and practically (tech blocks etc), she has no idea about this aspect of my behaviour.
- Ashamed: content of some of the conversations I've been having do not match my preferences.
- Scared: what if transcripts of my conversations were to come back and haunt me one day through some big hack - what would my kids think reading what I'd written?
- Helpless: The particular site I use, for some reason is allowed by my internet filter but I am too scared to specify it as an additional site to block for fear of my wife seeing that I've done so.
- Disgusted: without being judgemental, some of the user names that you see in the 'lobby' area of such sites indicate the type of conversations that some users of the service are having - illegal and places I would never go or want to. It feels as if you are in an on line version of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars (Google it and you'll know what I mean!)

I think you get the general drift.

However there is further aspect that I am mindful of, and whilst I participate, only increases my guilt. That is the impact on others. We all know that visual porn addiction has an adverse impact on ourselves (mental, physical problems, lost time etc), and those around us (lost time with family etc), and we also know that there are usually victims with visual porn (the drug addicted actress, the ex whose photos were shared for revenge etc) For me however, chat is worse - why? When I choose to participate in chat, it is not only me and my family that I am impacting, but the other person, and their family too. By chatting with them I'm contributing DIRECTLY to their pain, their addiction, their guilt. I'm robbing their kids of their parents time, love, support. And...the 'better' I am at chatting, the worse the pain I am inflicting.

It's the precise opposite of what happens at rebootnation - we, as the needy, meet here - we're open, we support each other, provide fellowship, encouragement. But in chat room, we meet other needy people but to engage with in a way that causes damage, destroys lives, robs kids of their parents' time and affection.

Well, for me, enough is enough. The way for me to reverse the guilt, the shame, the fear is not to change the past (as I can't) but to change the future. I'm four days clean - I usually relapse after 7-14, so no mean feat yet BUT writing this, and sharing with you will hopefully be an enabler for me making that streak considerably longer, and in doing so moving from someone that causes pain, towards someone that spreads love - to myself, my family, and this community. And at the same time, its one less person in the Mos Eisley Cantina, which can only be a good thing, right?

Thanks for taking the time to read, and best of luck with your own endeavours. Stay strong.

 
C

Chris Orell

New Member
Reiniciar es lo m?s importante, la reacaidas est?n siempre presentes pero la fuerza verdadera est? en la voluntad de intentarlo de nuevo, no soy un victorioso en el tema ,porque e estado en ese agujero mucho tiempo y la lucha es continua, te quita lo m?s valioso del tiempo ,pero en continuar ,una y otra vez ,hace que valga la pena, por nosotros mismo y por quienes amamos ,?nimo amigo sigue escribiendo, sigue caminando ,somos muchos ,pero tambi?n ser?n m?s los que un d?a dir?n lo logr?mos.
 
M

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi UK, The dating sites were a huge distraction for me. Although I got some dates, it is now apparent that it was an excuse, a sneaky way to edge/prolong masterbating to porn. I'd flip back and forth till I found the "right" woman to sext with. That very often took hours.

I got good at being deceptive and hinting/flirting sexually. But often, like you, I felt bad. A lot of women came for only dating/love and were naive. They evinced hurt/disappointment when they figured out my true motive. Bottom line is that it's not a nice thing to do.

Now I see it was just a subterfuge to edge to porn and trick people.  Also, for me, the dating sites themselves were addictive- a sort of perverse challenge. It's good to quit them.
 
S

Sledgehammer

New Member
Andrew1973 said:
Hi all,

If you want to understand a bit more about why I am here, please feel free to look at my journal. I wanted to make this post to share a few thoughts about my reasons for deciding why I have chosen to banish chat activity from my life.

To give some context, although I have been a user of porn for over 3 decades (I'm 47), the chat 'thing' has caused me particular guilt and pain. I wanted to share this to see if it resonated with anyone.

I discovered chat probably around 3 or 4 years ago (not sure exactly when). I recall the excitement that it generated in me, a seasoned porn user was almost like the first time I discovered porn itself. The anticipation (usually when I knew my wife was going out), the process of logging on, selecting a user name that succinctly described what I was there for, the buzz of the little symbol indicating that I had a message, and the filth that followed...it's a process that I've repeated many times.

I think I am particularly susceptible to chat as a medium of PMO for a few reasons - 1) I am extrovert in nature, and human contact is something that lights my brain up irrespective of the subject matter 2) I am quite expressive and articulate and enjoy communicating in written form 3) I like to please people - not in a subservient sense, but I thrive on recognition and the thought that I can please people by delivering a great roleplay etc gives me a certain satisfaction.

I have wasted hour upon hour, day upon day with this pastime. It has left me feeling:

- Guilty: although my wife knows of my struggles with porn and is super supportive, both emotionally and practically (tech blocks etc), she has no idea about this aspect of my behaviour.
- Ashamed: content of some of the conversations I've been having do not match my preferences.
- Scared: what if transcripts of my conversations were to come back and haunt me one day through some big hack - what would my kids think reading what I'd written?
- Helpless: The particular site I use, for some reason is allowed by my internet filter but I am too scared to specify it as an additional site to block for fear of my wife seeing that I've done so.
- Disgusted: without being judgemental, some of the user names that you see in the 'lobby' area of such sites indicate the type of conversations that some users of the service are having - illegal and places I would never go or want to. It feels as if you are in an on line version of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars (Google it and you'll know what I mean!)

I think you get the general drift.

However there is further aspect that I am mindful of, and whilst I participate, only increases my guilt. That is the impact on others. We all know that visual porn addiction has an adverse impact on ourselves (mental, physical problems, lost time etc), and those around us (lost time with family etc), and we also know that there are usually victims with visual porn (the drug addicted actress, the ex whose photos were shared for revenge etc) For me however, chat is worse - why? When I choose to participate in chat, it is not only me and my family that I am impacting, but the other person, and their family too. By chatting with them I'm contributing DIRECTLY to their pain, their addiction, their guilt. I'm robbing their kids of their parents time, love, support. And...the 'better' I am at chatting, the worse the pain I am inflicting.

It's the precise opposite of what happens at rebootnation - we, as the needy, meet here - we're open, we support each other, provide fellowship, encouragement. But in chat room, we meet other needy people but to engage with in a way that causes damage, destroys lives, robs kids of their parents' time and affection.

Well, for me, enough is enough. The way for me to reverse the guilt, the shame, the fear is not to change the past (as I can't) but to change the future. I'm four days clean - I usually relapse after 7-14, so no mean feat yet BUT writing this, and sharing with you will hopefully be an enabler for me making that streak considerably longer, and in doing so moving from someone that causes pain, towards someone that spreads love - to myself, my family, and this community. And at the same time, its one less person in the Mos Eisley Cantina, which can only be a good thing, right?

Thanks for taking the time to read, and best of luck with your own endeavours. Stay strong.
Click to expand...
I wondered if you're still active on this forum and how you're getting on?

I'm the partner of someone with a similar sounding addiction. A lot of the information seems to focus just on porn and the visual aspect but my OH has described similarities to you in people pleasing tendencies. Also seeking out company when feeling lonely - even though he had me and good support of family and friends he had gone online since a teenager to seek connection.

I can't say what he wrote about but safe to say it was horrific and there are huge consequences for us both. It escalated in seriousness and only the most grotesque / taboo conversations would satisfy his needs.

I just can't believe it got to this point. All the signs lead to this being an addiction but it's so hard for partners to understand why someone would get say these things. I'm struggling to find places to talk about what he's done as I fear judgment from other people.

Hope you are managing to stay on track 🤞
 
Jlied

Jlied

Active Member
Sledgehammer said:
I wondered if you're still active on this forum and how you're getting on?

I'm the partner of someone with a similar sounding addiction. A lot of the information seems to focus just on porn and the visual aspect but my OH has described similarities to you in people pleasing tendencies. Also seeking out company when feeling lonely - even though he had me and good support of family and friends he had gone online since a teenager to seek connection.

I can't say what he wrote about but safe to say it was horrific and there are huge consequences for us both. It escalated in seriousness and only the most grotesque / taboo conversations would satisfy his needs.

I just can't believe it got to this point. All the signs lead to this being an addiction but it's so hard for partners to understand why someone would get say these things. I'm struggling to find places to talk about what he's done as I fear judgment from other people.

Hope you are managing to stay on track 🤞
Click to expand...
Hi sledgehammer, I’m not so sure you should be afraid to talk about the things that have happened here, everyone of us here are here for the same reason. We’ve done things that are absolutely not who we are at our core. Things I’ve done knowing I don’t want to do it are not who I am. Not who I wanted to be. I’d go home after some of those acts and felt empty and disappointed in myself only to repeat them again later. I got caught up in chat rooms and it severely hurt my marriage as well. If my wife and I didn’t have kids I’m not so sure she would have been as willing to work things out or given me the grace to get right on my own as well. I’m so thankful for her and her ability to know who I am and give me a chance to get better for me and our family.
 
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