ZZZ Journal

OK been reading here for a while and decided to start a Journal and see if that helps ...

Me - 45 yo .. PA for 20 years ... A few failed reboot attempts .. no ED/DE .. a bit of HOCD .. more on all that later perhaps

Current reboot going strong since 1 June (how do I do this counter thing ?) .. pleased about it ..

Rules of this reboot are:

- No P in any form ever again in my life

- Avoid as much as possible any sexy/erotic material

- No MO

- Sex with SO no restriction but try not to ejaculate often

- Edging/fantasizing no restriction but with a strong effort/intention to minimize as much as possible


So far so good, quite a bit of flatline but doable ... this site helps

Ok I'll finish here hope to post more updates/thoughts soon

Thx!

Nice to see someone new. I think you have a plan in place. I will say that my first two attempts at reboot involved MO with no P and both times I found myself back on P. This time around I have eliminated M&P and surprisingly things are going much better for me. I have had no issues with PIED and still having fun with the SO. I have good days and bad days but generally speaking I know MO will lead me back to P. I'm 28 days in and feel good about it. Not sure how to get the counter working as I have tried several times.

Hello from the other side of the world ZZZ. For me too its 20 years or so of porn use and a few "failed" attempts (really tho no attempt is a failure as we learn from each experience, hopefully)
I'm getting on for a month in now and as someone on here advised me it is good to plan how you are going to deal with the urges when they come -strong and out of the blue at times. Making sure we are not caught off our guard.
Good luck with your  reboot

Woke up hard (one of the things I love most about rebooting) and had sex for a bit with both of us half asleep before I had to get up to get ready for work. Continued with a bit of edging in the shower. No ejaculation (I think I'll just use 'E' from now on).

Had a fantasy going (schoolgirl costume and heels) which was interesting - this is not something I am used to fantasize about and is very very vanilla for me plus I could easily imagine my partner as being the woman. So I'll take it as a good sign.

Which makes me understand I have no idea what is the role of fantasy in healthy sex involving non PAs ... does it have any role ? and if not what do people think about ? I get the point of being present in the moment but surely that can't be 100% of it or is it ?

I often think about how lucky I am with her. She is the love of my life. She's much younger than me, gorgeous inside and out, loving and committed, and has a very healthy though very vanilla sex drive. Basically she's really happy for me to stick it in any time I want to no need for prep or foreplay.

And yet, when I was under P I was very often frustrated with sex being too vanilla like why can't she be a dirty slut like those 'stars' and why can't we do those crazy things that turn me on. As if she would .. as if we should ! this is one of the main thing I want to get over. I know I will probably never become totally vanilla and that's totally fine, I also decided I will never share my PA history with her, but I don't want to live in this lie anymore. It's destructive, it's wrong, it's not cool and it's not fair ... and I am so much more better than that ...

OK .. thanks for reading - and have a great day !

and thanks for commenting js2004 and Strikeatruepath

Yesterday I went ahead and uninstalled K9.

It caused a blue screen (and is also possible for me to bypass though with some effort) but that was just an excuse to go ahead.

On a deeper level I feel P blockers are a double edge sword - on the one hand they are totally indispensable especially in the beginning by making P simply not immediately 'there'. This is a night and day difference for someone who is otherwise like an addict sitting on top of a Mt Everest size pile of cocaine trying to stay clean ... and it has been very helpful to me.

But on the other hand I feel a P blocker sends a subtle but strong message that I am not strong enough to avoid P myself. And if I am strong enough, then having that subconscious message in the background is actually overall harmful. A big part of this reboot is really about rebuilding my sovereignty and my confidence in my sovereignty, and having a P blocker on sends a contradictory message that I am a weak addict/child that needs a nanny.

Otherwise things are overall good, still quite a lot of brain fog alternating with cravings but also in general feeling more optimistic about life and more connected to my SO which is good.

Have a great day...

Challenging day ... at work trying to focus but getting lost in this stupid brain fog ... plus lot's of cravings

But it'll pass and be fine ..

I feel reboots have two stages, the initial struggle (3-8 weeks or so) seem to be harder because of how uncomfortable it is, but it is also full of the motivation to succeed ... but the real challenge and danger for me is when it becomes easier and easier as time goes by ... the less struggle the less motivation ... and it becomes easy to slip ..

What do rebooters do to keep the determination strong pass the initial stage ?

ZZZ, I read that the way to avoid addictive behaviors isnt to hard stop the behavior but to develop new habits that REPLACE the old behavior.
hard stops don't provide distraction as you must deal with the craving.
For alternatives to work, they must become habits and the automatic choice when urges appear
therefore, keep applying the alternatives consistently for at least 30 days to form the habit

also find out what are your triggers.
and apply your alternative early before cravings take over you.
all the best

I would like to add that there are pull push factors

External stimuli like seeing and engaging with pretty girls have a pull factor
Recourse? Either reduce the exchange opportunity or see them differently with respect and dignity

Internal stimuli like depression or cravings are push factors
what your mind/body/soul is telling you is that it needs a dopamine hit to feel good about yourself
the solution is very simple : Go and do something that will make you feel good about yourself !
1. Set a goal
eg. clean house; cook something; create something ; walk a few km ; go to this forum and contribute to help others etc.
2. do it !
3. recognize and reflect on your achievement ( this is important because this is when the dopamine hits)
4. give gratitude to yourself and all those around you who help make your life better.

Understand that PMO is just a habit/behavior we have inculcated within ourselves as the quick and easy way to feel good. the way out is to replace this habit/behavior with an real self/socially beneficial alternative.
This is the real feel good factor that truly helps connect us back with ourselves and society again.

Thx Guys for wise advice !

I think forming new habits is a crucial part that's missing and I need to invest much more in ...

What seems to have developed is not so much about this or that but actually a subtle avoidance/fear of "doing" itself ... a depressed/defeated kind of attitude. This has been going on and I've been fighting it for quite a while (>10 years). I actually never connected it to P before but your replies made me think .. can it ? hard to tell. I always kind of attributed it to smoking lots of weed when I was in my 20s (stopped now) but maybe it's P. One thing is for sure - the substitute for 'doing' was/is edging.

Day before yesterday was a total disaster, big fight with SO (she lost it over something totally trivial) led to lots of stress and anxiety and a huge craving to MO so was a real struggle. Then yesterday we made up but instead of feeling happy I just got more down and anxious with obsessive worries about money, getting old  and (not having) children .. lot's of fun

I think at this stage and I guess in general it's hard to tell what is because of P and what is not. It's easy to blame it all on P but also dangerous cause if it's not then it will not go away and that will be quite disappointing.

Feeling better today ... had sex in the morning, again pleasantly surprised how much less of extreme fantasizing there is and how much more I get out of the real sensory experience of it - touch, taste, smell etc ... there is something literally delicious about it that I don't think I experienced for a long time. So that's a positive ...

Ok have a great day now

glad today is better for you.

if it helps,
1. find and read the book mindset from carol dwerk. it's helped me and i hope it can help you too.
2. be aware and manage quickly your inner critic before you get sucked into its negativity. Google it
3. give yourself some time. tbh it doesnt matter what the root is, the only important thing is:
- deal with life directly. no more excuses and running away
- see and accept life as it is in its full reality
- learn to appreciate every little good thing
- stay focused on your goals.
4. most importantly, find out how to love yourself more.

You'd find that
a. effort is really rewarding
b. things are never as bad as you think it to be
c. it feels damn good to have done/achieve something

good luck and keep looking out for the positives

Reading posts here and thinking about my own reboot experience made me think about motivation. It came to me that there seems to be three different 'kinds' of motivation -

The first which can be called 'negative' is full of misery, despair, self loathing, fear and self pity ... the motivation here comes from being totally pushed into a corner watching your life wasted and/or crumble

The second which can be called 'positive' is a 'heroic', 'against all odds', 'must succeed' kind of thing ... the motivation here is the (dopamine fix of ?) success and victory

The thing is, what connects these positive and negative kinds of motivation is that they assume and involve a lot of struggle and are at the end of the day childish. I don't say that in a derogatory way, I mean it literally - it's a child kind of thinking and doing

If this sounds judgmental well I guess it is but please don't take it as pretentious as I have and am been there as much as anybody.

The third kind which can be called 'neutral' is quite different, the best word I have is a 'resolve', it is a simple 'this is what is, and this is what I will do'. While there is of course struggle, the attitude is different, instead of self pity or heroic efforts there is a lot of simple 'grit' ... There is also a lot of respect for oneself as the navigator of one's life. There is a 'coolness' to this and with it an inherent maturity and strength.

I hope this makes sense

I am trying more and more to consciously move this reboot (and other areas of my life) towards this kind of motivation. I think it is much 'better'. It definitely feels better  ..

Almost two months ..

OK got to go, have a great day!

yesterday email msg about some coupon discount offer at a lingerie shop where I bought for my SO before and went ahead and used it to get her a present ... but obviously lots of models showing the products on the site. Tried to be as quick as I could and focus on the actual shopping .. maybe 5-10 minutes the whole thing but was def a trigger so since then fighting cravings ... just trying not to think about it ...

2 months today  ;D not easy but definitely not as hard as previous attempts ... new approach works ...

Today's thought maybe controversial -

I think that most of what is reported here as PIED is not really that ..

It's not really PIED, it's being unable to get hard in when conditions are not favorable which is quite a different thing, cause that means it is possible to get hard when conditions are, at worst it's simple ED.

I read many posts here. Men go - I can't get it up or I get soft half way so I have PIED, but apart from that, they are tired, super stressed, under big expectations from themselves and partner to perform, have complicated relationship often with a lot of resentment to/from the woman they sleep with or on the other hand sleep with woman for the first time, are overweight, using medications and are in their 30s/40s/50s ..

And they expect to get hard and keep it hard whenever they will ... sorry, it does not work that way.

Thing is, many men will have ED in that situation without P as well .. in fact most will. If this was my situation I would probably have ED as well and would call it PIED.

So, find a steady partner and fix your relationship with her, eat well and exercise, don't smoke, sleep well, stop medicating, de-stress your life in general.

If PE persist recognize that you are not a young stud, you need _more and harder_ manual stimulation before penetration. Teach your woman to rub it _much_ faster and harder than she thinks is right until you get hard - they simply don't know it and believe me they don't mind it the least .. on the contrary, most find it funny & sexy.

And stop Porn.

I believe this will cure ED in a few days-weeks no need to wait for a complete reboot.

If your life is such that above is not possible then OK. But don't blame it 100% on porn, you got a lot of other work to do on top of that.

In the small chance that a few weeks passed and you still have PE then I don't think it's PIED, there are other probably medical issues involved .. seek help.

Would love to hear thoughts on that ..

Have a great day !

Zzz,

you're absolutely right.

Use it or lose it.

I was already having this problem 10 years ago.
I thought it was from years of cycling. Never expected that PMO was so detrimental.
I remember being distraught with my then new gf for not being able to get it up on our first time.
it thought it was a common feature for men in their 30s !
then i went to the doctor and got a box of blue pill.
worked like a charm and i got my confidence back.
Since she was wonderful in bed, i never needed P and never needed another box after that.

Fast forward a few years,
she's gone and I'm alone. The PMO returned and with it the limp situation.

By use it or lose it, i mean use it as its supposed to, ie only inside a woman you love.
it also applies to our mind, courage, strength, determination and persistence.

Also, i think its important to stay excited
i think when we're younger we're excited about so many things: activities, woman etc
as we get older we're more jaded, more measured.
That sucks the life out of us and our friend down there.

Go live a happy courageous and interesting life. I think it makes a difference

A very strange dream tonight .. I dreamed I relapsed ... I was watching porn and Ming and at the same time being really upset and disappointed for doing so .. it kept switching between the P and the shame and just had a really strange vibe to it ...

Sure was a relief to wake up!

Does anyone else dream of watching porn ?