Hello, I'm new here. I'm a 40-year-old male, single, never married. I found this forum after Googling "internet porn addiction" or something to that effect. I don't believe I'm a complete internet porn addict. I don't use porn and masturbate every day, and my use of visual porn completely by myself has really waned over the years. There have been times in the past where I've been gripped by porn, but never to the point where it's really affected my day-to-day functioning. When I was (and am) using porn, it's almost always amateur porn, and I think I've rationalized it a bit because of that -- i.e., it's "real," not fake, and something I can learn from. It was a bit eye-opening to me to see similar rationalizations spelled out by someone quoted in "Your Brain on Porn."
More recently (in the past few years) I've been introduced to Reddit, and there are certain subreddits I've found that are giving me significant problems. I hope I don't trigger anyone by spelling these out. In fact, I won't use the actual subreddit names. First it was the various ones where Redditors post nude or partially nude pictures of themselves. What got me going was not just the pictures, but knowing that the posters were getting off by showing themselves off. Then I got into one where Redditors discuss true (supposedly) stories from their sex lives, involving classmates, strangers, others' girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, bosses, subordinates, teachers, students, neighbors, etc. Reading these was a big turn-on for me, but they'd leave me feeling like I was missing out on wild and hot sex (as if what was being described in these stories was the norm), as well as inadequate. There are other ones for setting Redditors up for real-life encounters, and when one happens, the participants will sometimes describe in detail what happened.
Subreddits I've discovered in the past few months are really making me think that I have a problem. There's a subreddit for people to exchange messages to talk about their kinks, engage in role plays and stories, and get off with one another, and another one for exchanging internet porn. I'm finding myself going back to those subreddits often, and getting sucked in for hours. I've gotten compulsive while in these forums because there are always new people posting, and because of the scarcity of women. Because the number of women who post to those forums significantly smaller than the number of men, and because the women who do post get inundated with private messages, I've found myself reloading and reloading the forums nonstop until I see a woman's new post. Then I respond as fast as possible, so that I beat out all the others who are going to write her as well, and hopefully she'll chat with me. It's like I'm fishing for a chat partner, and it takes considerable time. There's a hit of excitement when the Reddit private message red envelope icon appears showing that someone has responded.
Because I'm so desperate to connect with one of these women, I'm not discriminating in terms of sharing the same sexual tastes. So I've found myself chatting and exchanging videos and gifs of things I normally have no interest in and really aren't me. Some of it is arousing for sure, but some is way out there. Even when it's material I find arousing, again there's that compulsive element to find someone to chat with, then another, then another. I literally have stayed up all night doing this, several times, during the work week. Once I start I just can't pull out of it. I'm always looking for another person to chat with. That is probably the worst part -- how much time I've wasted doing this. And feeling exhausted the next day, leaving me unproductive at work. And feeling like a loser. And alone. Unworthy of respect. And feeling disgusted at myself for acting like such a different person online than in real life. in real life, I come across as calm, nice, reserved. But online I'm a lot different, talking about and sharing images of disturbing things I may actually find erotic but would not want to happen in real life. And in real life I want to be "clean" -- wholesome, thoughtful, considerate, etc. This seems to be the complete opposite of that. And completely isolating.
I've literally created and deleted 3 or 4 Reddit accounts, each time saying I was done with this. But obviously I'm not. Last night after returning from work trip (and after finishing "Your Brain on Porn"!), I did it again, and was up until around 5 a.m. online. Triggers seem to be free time, boredom, and upcoming work breaks/free time (for instance, I knew I would be working from home today, so it was easier to stay up late the night before).
I think I need to go on a 90-day PMO fast. I am not sure about an MO fast. As I'm single, an O fast is likely in the cards anyway. I hope that abstaining will get me to focus on developing a real relationship. Actually, when I do this, I feel like such a loser that I can't understand how any woman would respect me and want to be with me. Stopping may help turn that around, although I've had this sort of negative attitude about myself for a long time, and not just related to porn use.
I plan to return here about once a week and provide an update on my progress or any relapses.
(In addition to this issue, I've really come to believe I have a general smart phone/internet addiction, and I'd like to work on that as well.)
Thanks for reading.
More recently (in the past few years) I've been introduced to Reddit, and there are certain subreddits I've found that are giving me significant problems. I hope I don't trigger anyone by spelling these out. In fact, I won't use the actual subreddit names. First it was the various ones where Redditors post nude or partially nude pictures of themselves. What got me going was not just the pictures, but knowing that the posters were getting off by showing themselves off. Then I got into one where Redditors discuss true (supposedly) stories from their sex lives, involving classmates, strangers, others' girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, bosses, subordinates, teachers, students, neighbors, etc. Reading these was a big turn-on for me, but they'd leave me feeling like I was missing out on wild and hot sex (as if what was being described in these stories was the norm), as well as inadequate. There are other ones for setting Redditors up for real-life encounters, and when one happens, the participants will sometimes describe in detail what happened.
Subreddits I've discovered in the past few months are really making me think that I have a problem. There's a subreddit for people to exchange messages to talk about their kinks, engage in role plays and stories, and get off with one another, and another one for exchanging internet porn. I'm finding myself going back to those subreddits often, and getting sucked in for hours. I've gotten compulsive while in these forums because there are always new people posting, and because of the scarcity of women. Because the number of women who post to those forums significantly smaller than the number of men, and because the women who do post get inundated with private messages, I've found myself reloading and reloading the forums nonstop until I see a woman's new post. Then I respond as fast as possible, so that I beat out all the others who are going to write her as well, and hopefully she'll chat with me. It's like I'm fishing for a chat partner, and it takes considerable time. There's a hit of excitement when the Reddit private message red envelope icon appears showing that someone has responded.
Because I'm so desperate to connect with one of these women, I'm not discriminating in terms of sharing the same sexual tastes. So I've found myself chatting and exchanging videos and gifs of things I normally have no interest in and really aren't me. Some of it is arousing for sure, but some is way out there. Even when it's material I find arousing, again there's that compulsive element to find someone to chat with, then another, then another. I literally have stayed up all night doing this, several times, during the work week. Once I start I just can't pull out of it. I'm always looking for another person to chat with. That is probably the worst part -- how much time I've wasted doing this. And feeling exhausted the next day, leaving me unproductive at work. And feeling like a loser. And alone. Unworthy of respect. And feeling disgusted at myself for acting like such a different person online than in real life. in real life, I come across as calm, nice, reserved. But online I'm a lot different, talking about and sharing images of disturbing things I may actually find erotic but would not want to happen in real life. And in real life I want to be "clean" -- wholesome, thoughtful, considerate, etc. This seems to be the complete opposite of that. And completely isolating.
I've literally created and deleted 3 or 4 Reddit accounts, each time saying I was done with this. But obviously I'm not. Last night after returning from work trip (and after finishing "Your Brain on Porn"!), I did it again, and was up until around 5 a.m. online. Triggers seem to be free time, boredom, and upcoming work breaks/free time (for instance, I knew I would be working from home today, so it was easier to stay up late the night before).
I think I need to go on a 90-day PMO fast. I am not sure about an MO fast. As I'm single, an O fast is likely in the cards anyway. I hope that abstaining will get me to focus on developing a real relationship. Actually, when I do this, I feel like such a loser that I can't understand how any woman would respect me and want to be with me. Stopping may help turn that around, although I've had this sort of negative attitude about myself for a long time, and not just related to porn use.
I plan to return here about once a week and provide an update on my progress or any relapses.
(In addition to this issue, I've really come to believe I have a general smart phone/internet addiction, and I'd like to work on that as well.)
Thanks for reading.