Journal

It's been a while since I've been on this site, but I'm feeling I need some more accountability at the moment.

I've struggled with PMO since early teens, 12 or 13 I'm not sure. I've had off and on success over the years, anywhere from a couple years PMO free to a week where I relapse 5 of the 7 days. It's been a very up and down journey.

As of now, its been about an hour and a half since my last relapse. The longest stretch I've gone in the last few years is almost a month. That was quite an achievement for me.

I'm really shooting for 100% PMO free, cold turkey, whatever. I don't want this in my life anymore. I'm married and I don't think it's fair to my wife, or to me, to have this dangling over my neck. She also doesn't know, and I would really like to get it under control before I inevitably get caught. I would really like her to find out on my terms.

That all being said, I'm not really sure how to attack this from where I currently am. I only struggle when she is either taking a nap or otherwise too busy to notice, or out of the house and I'm alone. Apart from the situation, I'm not really sure what my triggers are. Sometimes I'm home alone and I have no issues. Sometimes even just the thought of knowing she is going to be gone is enough of a trigger that I immediately relapse as soon as she leaves. I'm trying to record what happens when I relapse to see if I can find a pattern, but I'm not having much success in pinning it out at the moment.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who may read this, and I'm committing now to writing a short entry every day or every other day. Just as a way of expressing and organizing thoughts and hopefully keeping myself a little more accountable. Any advice from anyone is greatly appreciated.

Hi Wingman
Thanks for sharing your journal. I realise that you have been struggling for years. Although I am from a different age group, country (UK) and Christian background (charismatic evangelical....now relate to God differently) I share many of your experiences and feelings. My wife found out about my P addiction years ago. Not good. I assured her that it would stop...it didn't. Next disclosure with wife brought us close to terminating the relationship. However, we love one another so much and believe that He is in our marriage so we have more than survived and are now living in openness and truth. I strongly recommend full disclosure perhaps with a friend, Leader or counsellor. We didn't involve a third party ourselves but that can put a huge load on your wife and the marriage. I suggest finding new activities to replace the PMO. I do a new sport (with wife and friends) Consider some form of contemplation or mindfulness so that you can stay present and not fantasise even if triggered. Consider ( this is going to be graphic and personal) changing your sexual experience together. Nothing immoral or strange to you both. We have learnt a way of doing slow sex without much movement or being intentional (eg trying to achieve O) Bluntly, that means that you do not ejac. by mutual agreement. Not always, but every so often try being joined and feel the experience intimately with great awareness of the sensation of being joined but be as still as you both can manage. This is healing for both partners and restores male genital sensitivity which is lost with PMO. Even ED or PE can be improved. Most importantly, do ANYTHING ELSE when tired bored or wife asleep. I do household chores, read, go outside etc. I turn off all devices when she snoozes or in bed. I give her my cellphone and router connector when she's out of house. Forgive me if this too lengthy, irrelevant or personal. Please don't get to my age suffering under this heavy addiction burden. All the best.

Thanks for the thoughts cranm. I appreciated hearing about your experience and some of the things that have worked for you. I will definitely take all of those into consideration.

Can you elaborate a little more on your thoughts on mindfulness? Is there a routine or something that you followed that worked for you?

As far as my journal goes, I've been doing ok since yesterday. I thought of a good analogy a while ago that I think accurately portrays my frustration with not being able to escape the constant barrage of triggers and temptations. It feels like I'm sitting in a boat that springs a leak and I plug it with my finger, and then another one springs up and I plug it, and then another one, etc. I feel like it's impossible to plug all of the holes (i.e I go to an innocent website and an ad comes up with a trigger and I block it, but I can't block every trigger on the internet). If I stay off the internet, then I see a billboard while driving, and if I change my route I get something weird in the mail. This messed up society we live in has me constantly on my toes I guess. I know it's not an excuse, blaming all of the influences of society on my own habits and thoughts, but it sure would be easier if I wasn't swimming through the muck every day.

I guess that's the struggle of life though. You get what you make of it, and you are free to do the things that will bring you most joy. I think that will help me, focusing more on creating my own surroundings and decreasing the possibility of coming across filth.

The mindfulness thing, for me, is a mixture of concentration on the present, distraction from urges and 'prayer'. When I feel like soothing my mind (formerly by looking at P) I turn my attention to what is happening in the here and now. May be focussing on an object or sound in my surroundings or talking to my wife about a day to day subject. The distraction may be walking upstairs, listening to a short music file or doing a mindless job. Prayer means, to me, connecting with or becoming aware of the Divine or spiritual dimension of life. That approach reinforces my belief in my value in this world, my dignity and my place in this universe. Sounds bizarre and mystical but that helps me to honour my marriage and myself. Hope this is helpful.

Thanks for the thoughts cranm.

I don't have to much to say about yesterday. It was a success, I didn't have any relapses or really an opportunity to if I wanted to. That's how most days are honestly, I'm fairly busy with day to day tasks and I spend most of my free time with my wife. So I guess thinking about it now the big challenge is that I drift for a long time and then find myself alone with the opportunity to PMO and that's when problems happen. It's something I need to be vigilant about even when it's really easy.

Had a bit of a rough time today. There was an unexpected time this afternoon that I was going to be home alone for a bit over a half hour (actually is, it's happening as I write this). I tried the mindfulness technique mentioned above and that helped me a bit. I'm actually not positive what it was that tilted the scale for me, but it was about 50-50 for the first 10 minutes or so that I was heading home to where I knew I would be alone. I think it definitely helped that I had about 20 minutes total to think about it before i got home and this was one of the days where the PMO brain didn't win.

Great progress. You did well to resist.

Had a good day today too. This weekend worries me a bit though. My wife and I are housesitting for some friends this weekend and I relapse almost every time we stay here. Luckily tomorrow is a busy day but I?m still really nervous, and already feeling urges that I?m trying to fight off. Not good. I have lots of things I?m going to try to keep myself busy with in any spare time I have so hopefully that will work.

I?m making the walk of shame. I made it for about an hour after waking up this morning and then relapsed. Then again a few hours later. It was so hard when I woke up, I felt like I was being bombarded. I?m still trying to put together my feelings and I?m not entirely sure what I could have done differently. I saw it coming a mile away and a day in advance and still struggled. I definitely should have planned for it a little better and done more to prevent it than fight it.

No problem, WM. Try not to live in regret. It can just perpetuate the addiction cycle. We learn from our mistakes if we are wise.

I?ve been pretty lazy the last few days as far as updating this. I?ve had a good few days though. I honestly don?t remember ever having the opportunity to relapse, but I have been keeping myself busy and practicing mindfulness a couple of mornings this week. I?m feeling pretty good about things right now.

I?m heading home from work and I?ll be home alone for about an hour or so until my wife gets home. There?s a bit of an urge there but I?m feeling pretty good about my plans to keep myself busy and out of trouble. I guess we?ll see how it goes.

Another couple of good days. I did a little bit of edging today, which I?m not super happy about, but I am happy that it didn?t turn into PMO as my wife was napping, as that?s been a really big problem for me in the past. Yesterday was a week without a relapse so I?m making good progress. I have a very busy week ahead of me so I?m hopeful that will help keep me out of trouble.

Been good the last couple days but getting on to report that I PMO?d first thing this morning. It was a weird thing for me I usually don?t do that. I?ve been struggling with edging and just feeling really horny the last few days and I guess I let my guard down enough to let it get to me. I think I identified a trigger that I got rid of so that?s a good thing. One more finger in one more hole of the boat.

I had a streak for a day and relapsed yesterday afternoon (about 36 hours after my last one) kind of bummed about it, it was coming for about an hour as I was making my way home before my wife got home. It was a scheduling thing that gave me the opportunity. I still need to find a way to stop letting that opportunity come up or when it does actually have the willpower to just not allow it.

Feeling strong at the moment though, I?m optimistic for the next few days before I might have a real opportunity again.

It?s getting really hard for me to see these days with zero opportunity and everything is smooth and easy and then opportunity hits and I immediately give in.

I had a good weekend, I haven?t had a relapse in almost a week now. Saturday night was interesting, I?m working crazy late hours because of a seasonal thing so I got home about 3:30 and was exhausted but I had a strong urge to PMO. I was laying in bed like seriously I have to get up in like 4 hours and my stupid brain is doing that thing where senses are heightened and I really wanted to PMO. It was actually much harder than it should have been but I was able to ignore it long enough to pass out.

Well done resisting the urge at a difficult time of day/night.