M
MaterDeiOraProNobis
Guest
Hi all,
I'm here to get some accountability and chat with others looking to purify their hearts, minds, and bodies by abstaining from porn and masturbation.
About me:
I first looked at porn around maybe 12 years old, when I found my father's porn mag. Around 14 is when I started beating it regularly. Interestingly, I was never able to get a girlfriend in high school, though I did mess around with some girls, except for the first year. I didn't use porn much until around senior year, when I got regular access to a computer and alone time to use it. Things got worse from there.
After moving out, I bought a computer and began regular porn use. I ended up being introduced to extreme porn from a magazine from a friend. I won't go into details, but it was sick stuff I still don't enjoy. However, it ended up making me realize there's some weird stuff out there. In college, I ended up escalating the extremity and watching all the most messed up stuff the rest of you probably have seen, though I'm proud to say I've never seen anything illegal. I was beating off in my room sometimes twice or more a day, didn't have many friends, and was incredibly awkward around people.
Eventually, I got married and a few years later, I learned about NoFap in 2013 I believe. That's when I started attempting it. My main problem is that even since then, my longest streak is only about 40 or so days, prior to my confirmation in the Catholic Church. I've hit a couple of 30ish day streaks, but in six years, I've only done that maybe 2-3 times. The rest of my streaks are around 5-12 days. It is incredibly difficult for me to keep it up (haha) for longer than two weeks.
On those extended streaks, I've been able to fight off the blue balls, literal pain, and extreme frustration, but I end up slipping up due to a complete lack of willpower. This is the mystery to me: how is it that I've been doing this so long and am committed to it, but cannot keep going for longer than a month? It's truly mystifying. So, I suppose a big part of this journal is to come to grips with my internal struggle and stop being so two-faced with myself.
My primary goal with this journal is a limited one: initiate Project Zero, a 30 day NoFap challenge to myself with maintaining entries every single day until the challenge is done. With no exception. I will make note of the temptations, successes, (hopefully no) failures, and triggers. I may also post quotes and whatever.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope and pray through Christ that you are successful as well, and that through the Holy Spirit we are able to leave evil alone and live happy, peaceful, and holy lives.
On to Day 1:
Looked at messed up porn last night around 11:45 PM. Alone downstairs with phone while family slept upstairs. On the "sin couch" LOL. I felt my willpower was lax and didn't have any desire to struggle against the temptation of being alone with my phone. This is the usual place and time when it happens. Post-fap feelings: confusion at my giving in so easily, relaxation, slight discomfort. This morning: ashamed, uncomfortable, determined to end this, motivated, feeling physically "empty."
Action Plan:
Tonight I will keep the phone upstairs when/if I am alone.
I'm here to get some accountability and chat with others looking to purify their hearts, minds, and bodies by abstaining from porn and masturbation.
About me:
I first looked at porn around maybe 12 years old, when I found my father's porn mag. Around 14 is when I started beating it regularly. Interestingly, I was never able to get a girlfriend in high school, though I did mess around with some girls, except for the first year. I didn't use porn much until around senior year, when I got regular access to a computer and alone time to use it. Things got worse from there.
After moving out, I bought a computer and began regular porn use. I ended up being introduced to extreme porn from a magazine from a friend. I won't go into details, but it was sick stuff I still don't enjoy. However, it ended up making me realize there's some weird stuff out there. In college, I ended up escalating the extremity and watching all the most messed up stuff the rest of you probably have seen, though I'm proud to say I've never seen anything illegal. I was beating off in my room sometimes twice or more a day, didn't have many friends, and was incredibly awkward around people.
Eventually, I got married and a few years later, I learned about NoFap in 2013 I believe. That's when I started attempting it. My main problem is that even since then, my longest streak is only about 40 or so days, prior to my confirmation in the Catholic Church. I've hit a couple of 30ish day streaks, but in six years, I've only done that maybe 2-3 times. The rest of my streaks are around 5-12 days. It is incredibly difficult for me to keep it up (haha) for longer than two weeks.
On those extended streaks, I've been able to fight off the blue balls, literal pain, and extreme frustration, but I end up slipping up due to a complete lack of willpower. This is the mystery to me: how is it that I've been doing this so long and am committed to it, but cannot keep going for longer than a month? It's truly mystifying. So, I suppose a big part of this journal is to come to grips with my internal struggle and stop being so two-faced with myself.
My primary goal with this journal is a limited one: initiate Project Zero, a 30 day NoFap challenge to myself with maintaining entries every single day until the challenge is done. With no exception. I will make note of the temptations, successes, (hopefully no) failures, and triggers. I may also post quotes and whatever.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope and pray through Christ that you are successful as well, and that through the Holy Spirit we are able to leave evil alone and live happy, peaceful, and holy lives.
On to Day 1:
Looked at messed up porn last night around 11:45 PM. Alone downstairs with phone while family slept upstairs. On the "sin couch" LOL. I felt my willpower was lax and didn't have any desire to struggle against the temptation of being alone with my phone. This is the usual place and time when it happens. Post-fap feelings: confusion at my giving in so easily, relaxation, slight discomfort. This morning: ashamed, uncomfortable, determined to end this, motivated, feeling physically "empty."
Action Plan:
Tonight I will keep the phone upstairs when/if I am alone.