Denies his porn problem

CNO PORN

New Member
How do others cope with the lies, betrayal and promises to reform?

My PA partner betrays me all the time by looking at sexy babes in the flesh and in pixels.  Then claims he wasn't looking at them. Gaslighting me all the time. He doesn't like getting caught out but he just denies it. 

Betrays me by obsessing with porn and masturbation on a daily basis. Not sure if it's more often than that or not.  Just very secretive.  Seems to be a lot of guilt he gets from using porn.

Mechanical sex is all he can give me.  No feelings of love, no foreplay.  No making me feel special at all. No flowers, chocolates, music, dancing etc.  Just criticism if I don't get off on his 30 second penetration act.

He has ED.  Can get an erection but it only lasts for 30 seconds. I think it's due to porn.

I'm not bad to look at, not overweight, take care of myself.

He just lies to me when it comes to porn, blaming me for his sexual problems.  Illogical. 

Dishonesty

Disrespect.

He told me that sexy women want the guy to just get on with the main act. These women don't need any softening up and that's what makes them sexy. They'll do anything the guy wants.  They don't care what it is, it gets them off.  Apparently I'm not sexy as I want the 'softening up.'  I'm not sexy at all for asking him to waste his time. Definition of non-sexy is apparently, asking that he give me some attention and postpone his turn and wait until I'm ready to climax before he gets his 30 seconds.  He got furious when I asked him for that. 

He got very angry and cracked up telling me how I had all the problems and not him.  Then he gave me the silent treatment for 24 hours.  Then starts talking with me like everything's normal.  But it's not. Drives me crazy trying to work out how to respond to him as the problems aren't even spoken about.  Just not dealing with them.

Been seeing a counselor by myself.  My PA won't go with me.  Not that helpful.

I don't know how to relate to that abuse.  It's the gaslighting. Porn is making him crazy. Counsellor said I should think about making the break, but I love him and just want him to get back to being like he was before the porn made him crazy.  But I'm starting to think that he was doing porn before too, but I didn't know about it and maybe it just wasn't as bad as it is now.

Any suggestions please? Or links to find the help I need to cope with the gaslighting and dishonesty?  I know I need to change how I respond to his crazy, but I just haven't got the smarts to know how. 
Thanks heaps.
 

Snickemns

New Member
Make the brake. Stop being the victim.  He has a problem. Not your problem unless you continue tomput up with the  abuse. . Take a look at the steps. First is to admit there is a problem. Second is to stop. And I am a very sexy woman and I want to be warmed up every time. Sometimes all day.  This should get his motor running too if he not all fucked up on porn. A real man wants to satisfy his woman. Make love.  Have a true connection with someone. You deserve it. There are good man out there. I have found this out since I busted my husband. There is a big movement to reboot this problem. He has the problem. Stop being the victim. Leave.
 

BKM

Active Member
Your relationship sounds quite abusive at the moment. You don't deserve the gas lighting, dishonesty or disrespect. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself, and if he is not going to counselling with you then he must be in denial, and afraid that he will have to accept that and change. I am a recovering porn addict, I know what the denial phase is like. I thought I had done nothing wrong, I wanted to keep everything the same, I wanted to have my cake and eat it. This is what he wants too, he wants you to accept that he is normal so he can continue watching porn. But he is not normal, he is an addict, I know for me a big kick in the butt was the threat of breaking up, we also had trial separations, I think these really brought home for me everything I was set to lose if I continued on my destructive path. I think you need to seriously think about a trail separation, because if he is like me he needs something to break the denial and get him into recovery.
 

CNO PORN

New Member
Thank you so much Snickemns and Mayer for taking the time to leave me your thoughts on my situation. I didn't realise that your had made your posts until just now, so sorry for the late reply.

I super appreciate your wisdom so very much.

By coincidence, just today, I confronted my husband and told him that I knew he had a porn problem.  I said that I was deciding what path I would take because of his porn problem.  I said I could join him in the porn scene and that since he broke our marriage vows to only have sex exclusively with each other, that I was no longer bound to him either and that I had the freedom to seek sex outside of our marriage too and to look at man porn.  I don't really want that option, but I was laying out my choices.  The other option was to stay with him and him admit his porn use and me having to forgive him and trying to salvage our marriage.  I told him that I was considering those two options.  He looked alarmed when I told him the first option and to my surprise, he quickly admitted he did have a porn problem. Wow. I was surprised he admitted it! He said he has shame for doing it but that he can't get an erection without using porn and that he hates it. ??? I think he loves the porn but hates the guilt.  Would I be right?

I thanked him for being courageous enough to be honest to tell me.  I told him I loved him.  6 hours later he rang an SA counsellor for help, but I wasn't invited to listen to the conversation and thought it best not to do so or it might seem to be pressure.  I think the counsellor said there were no SA meetings in our area.

I am trying to be supportive to my husband.  Told him I loved him but that I wanted him to stop doing the porn totally.  He said to me, "Don't you think I would stop it if I could stop it?" That's a weird question in my mind.  I asked him if he had set up his computer with an anti-porn app but he said he didn't know how to do that, so I offered to do it for him and he gave me permission.  I think he feels like I'm controlling him but I'm trying not to do that. 

He has been very aloof from me all the rest of the day.  Doesn't want closeness with me and I'm giving him his space but still reassuring him that I love him. 

It's hard on me emotionally as I'm trying to cope with my own feelings of betrayal.  He said his main fear is that now he's admitted to his porn use, that I'll use it against him. I don't need to do that, but I do want validation for the pain he's caused me and is is not enough to just say sorry (which he hasn't done).  I still have to try to cope with feelings of  not being able to trust him, being insecure about our sexual relationship - I can't look like an 18 year old. I'm fearing rejection, never being able to be sexy enough for him, knowing he has betrayed me, not valued me, been dishonest with me, ripped my heart apart because his shame caused him to attack me and blaming me that he went to porn.  I would not wear that and I told him that it was not my fault.  He was in charge of his own decisions to look at porn.  That is a lot of pain that I've been caused but I know he can't focus on my pain as his own is so great.  I have been reading about how to try to support him and it says to offer him compassion and not to criticize him at all.  I'm trying very hard to do the supportive role. 

Snickemns, you mentioned the steps. Please can you give me a link to the steps?  I thought the 12 steps were for the person who was addicted to something.  Are there different steps for the support person/partner? If not, would you please give me some help to understand where I can get this kind of help.  I have gone through the AA steps before and done inventory and the ID prayers.  These have really helped me as I know things will not improve if I start judging my husband for his weaknesses.  I have learned from the 12 steps that we are all sick people and we need to show compassion to each other.  That helps me cope with a lot of grief.  He is sick but not worthless. I have my own weaknesses too, but I'm not addicted to anything thankfully. When I don't focus on compassion and instead think about 'poor me' then I get angry am likely to  say things I regret later.  I certainly did do that last week and he blasted me for it big time.

Mayer, thank you for sharing your journey.  I do believe you are right and that my husband responded to my ultimatum when I told him I was contemplating my decision to either have an open marriage arrangement or to stay exclusively with him as I was not going to stand for the old double standard situation that he was forcing on me. 

He seems to be sincere about getting help, but it's only been a few hours now since he admitted his addiction.
I have agreed to stay with him, knowing full well that it will mean I will now have to cope with the insecurity of rejection, no longer being free to be vulnerable in sex, knowing that I will never be sexy enough for him, knowing he has betrayed me, not valued me.  Knowing that there is no guarantee that he'll be successful ditching the porn addiction. Knowing that he could relapse at any time and I have to go through the dishonesty and deceit again and again and again.... That is a lot of pain that I've been caused but I know he can't focus on my pain.  And I do forgive him and will try to support him, but I feel that I need support too. That's why I came to this group and am thankful for your help.

It's a very positive breakthrough I think, that we've made today.

Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement.

I have one more question to ask please.  Do you know how long a man has to use porn for before it causes ED? My husband has had ED for a long time - about 4 years at least, but there have been periods during that time, when he has had far firmer erections but now has gone back to being so much worse - the worst ever actually over the past year.  I'm just wondering when the porn got a grip on him.

Thank you again, very much.


 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Have him listen to the podcast atthe top of the partner forum.  Get the book Love You Hate the Porn.  Go to markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. It has a lot of info for both the addict and the partner as well as a great archive of posts.  These were intrumental in my marriage's recovery.  You can pm me if you have questions.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I would agree with all the advise above and I would also add in addition to both of you getting counseling that you should both read. He needs to do some reading not just on porn addiction to understand better what is going on but also there are some great book that talk about what it is like for the partner. My husband appreciated reading those because it showed him a clear perspective shift that wasn't just me as I was way to emotional to communicate clearly all the time, lol. Set boundaries, clear ones, and have plans in place for consequences. I am glad that he is admitting he has a problem, that is a huge first step but just remember it's the first step on a marathon journey.  Make sure you are taking care of yourself!
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Porn addiction is such a complicated problem because it?s both a symptom and cause of many problems affecting the individual and the relationship, and it also affects he non-addicted partner even if they have yet to discover the role other porn is playing in the life of their significant other.

If he?s admitted he has a problem and he?s seeking help as an individual, that?s very significant. I suggest you allow him the time and space to do so. It?s not always a good idea for partner to be in on these sessions or to demand they know what?s being discussed. It?s better to allow the addicted partner the privacy to pursue what his issues are without the requirement of reporting back. Otherwise progress may be limited and stifled. If he wants to disclose what?s been said, he will. If he doesn?t, that?s OK too. Be patient. If he continues to work on his issues he might need that privacy to explore them.

As for other men or you taking up porn, you have to ask yourself if this is healthy behaviour for you, given where you are right now, what?s going on in your relationship, etc. Revenge sex and even revenge affairs are not unknown in relationships where there is sex/porn addiction. Sometimes it even happens when the partner is in the dark about being in a relationship with a porn addict. All they know is the feeling that something feels ?off? and for some people it?s the emotional distance that?s really difficult to cope with. In the end you have ago ask yourself what?s right for you. You may well find that good self care is a lot more helpful. I don?t just mean manicures, lol. Making time for reading, walking or something that?s good for your own wellbeing, exercise or whatever becomes all the more important in our own healing as partners. It?s about nurturing the mind, body and spirit.

Your husband doesn?t have to attend therapy with you, especially this early on. If you find it helpful and you can afford it, I suggest you do it for your own healing.

He told me that sexy women want the guy to just get on with the main act. These women don't need any softening up and that's what makes them sexy. They'll do anything the guy wants.

Where?re did he get that idea?!!!! That?s a description of porn sex. Oh dear. He has a lot to learn about female sexuality and what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship. You?re both going to have to work on this if you both want a mutually pleasurable sexual relationship.

I would also recommend reading about recovery from porn addiction. I found Paula Hall?s book for partners particularly helpful, but there are others such as Love You, Hate Porn. I suggest reading a(ew to find out what ?speaks? to you. Some people like the 12 Steps approach, it?s not for me but some people find it enormously beneficial.

Good luck with your recovery and healing.

 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi CNO PORN.

I can only speak for myself but I don't love porn. I hate the stuff for what it's done to my relationship. Of course, I only have myself to blame even though I had no idea that flicking through my dad's porn magazines would eventually lead to the point I find myself at now. I suspect that your partner probably has similar feelings. It's a compulsion. I suggest you check out the videos which explain the mechanism for porn addiction. I'm heterosexual but found myself getting off to transexual porn. That's how badly porn distorts an addicts reasoning.

Your relationship sounds quite abusive at the moment and I'm sorry you are having to experience this. I suppose that your partner has to show some willing to break this habit. If he doesn't then perhaps you need to think about getting out of this relationship. I have a problem. I can't have sex with my girlfriend and she doesn't know the real reason why I have ED. Sometimes, not knowing is better. However, I am always respectful towards her. She wants sex and I feel pressured but I have to remain calm because the pressure I feel has all been created as a result of my own stupidity.

Putting porn blockers on his computer is a good move. You have to make him realise that the withdrawal he is going to experience is going to be for his own good. If he wants to stay with you then he needs to accept that some sacrifices have to be made. I refuse to have a smartphone so that I'm not tempted to look at porn. I don't know if your partner has a one but perhaps you could substitute if for a basic handset for six months.

The hardest part about beating this is the first couple of months. If he could stay clean for a couple of months he might see some real benefits such as increased penile sensitivity and of course the ability to maintain an erection. The longest run I've ever been on was 146 days without porn or masturbation. Unfortunately, I still had PIED after the 146 days before I relapsed. During my first attempt I was able to have strong erections and long bouts of lovemaking after around 30-40 days. I don't know why my reboots have been so different.

It's not your fault! You have to understand this to the very core of your being. Your partners porn use started before you met him. It's not even the women's bodies he's getting off to. It's novelty.

I know my girlfriend questions her attractiveness. She thinks that the reason I can't get hard enough to penetrate her is because I don't think she's sexy or beautiful. It's not true. My porn use has desensitised my brain. I will get better though. I'm on day 61 and only last night I was struck by how beautiful she is. It's like some kind of fog is clearing.

I'm really sorry to hear about your suffering. I hope you can convince your partner to really put in the effort to break this addiction. I hope he realises how much you love him because it's clear you do if you've suffered this torment so long. I'll continue to post on this site until I'm healed as this is the last time I'm going to reboot. I've been doing this for almost 3 years and this time I'm going to beat it, primarily for my girlfriend and obviously for me. Good luck!
 
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