Speaking from experience, my own and the partners on this forum, and from reading Paula Hall?s book on the partner?s perspective, honest disclosure is almost always necessary for the recovery of the relationship.
Just as all individuals are different, all relationships are unique to the personalities involved and within any relationship there are a number of ways a relationship can turn out depending on the choices, behaviour and communication of both partners. In other words, you can make or break the relationship according to your actions.
Consider this. Disclosure isn?t the only way for a partner to discover a porn habit. Many partners discover porn use unintentionally. Many partners make repeated discoveries, sometimes after being told their spouse no longer does it; sometimes on a hunch because they sense something isn?t quite right, so they look for it. Discoveries aren?t always the spouse searching through phones and computers; sometimes they walk in on their husband masturbating; sometimes it?s their kid walking in and becoming upset or unsettled by the experience. Sometimes people are caught viewing porn at work. And so on. The point I?m making is that you cannot possibly expect to control what your spouse knows or doesn?t know, and you cannot realistically sustain this relationship based on the assumption she is never going to know you have a porn addiction.
Most partners will tell you it?s the lying and deception that does the most damage. Repeated discoveries interspersed with lying, denial and minimisation ? the trickle truth scenario ? is the most damaging to partners and to the relationship but it?s also the most common pattern of discovery. An honest, full disclosure is the least damaging. Sometimes it might be necessary to do a therapeutic disclosure with a counsellor who specialises in porn/sex addiction. This is precisely because the partner may need support to deal with the trauma and upset. Disclosure isn?t easy for either partner.
With regard to WHAT to disclose, it?s probably better to avoid the details, that is the specific categories of porn, but it?s probably important to say that you have a porn habit that is interfering with your life and/or your relationship. It?s probably important to explain how long it?s been going on for and that it?s reached the point where it?s having negative consequences. A broad outline is OK, but it?s probably best to avoid descriptions and details about the porn material itself.
Disclosing your porn behaviours is a risk. For a partner, discovery/disclosure will almost always create conflict in the initial aftermath. Most partners will find honest disclosure, regardless of the details, far easy to deal with than the discovery ? denial - trickle truth route. Disclosure isn?t easy for the partner to listen to, but addicts have to accept this, and so do partners I suppose. Honest disclosure is much less likely to end up in separation than years of lying, deception and gaslighting.
With regard to porn addiction, I would say that almost all partners on this forum are aware of the various theories about porn addiction and have a fairly good understanding of how porn addiction begins and perpetuates. Most partners will be motivated to learn about porn addiction and will be willing to help repair the relationship in the light of this knowledge. Repairing the relationship takes two. If one partner has a ?secret? porn habit and believes that an equally ?secret? 90 day reboot is somehow going to restore the relationship, particularly the sexual relationship, then think again. Partners are not passive recipients nor are they without sexual feelings of their own.
Partners also have their own separate recovery process which is entirely different to that of the recovering porn addict. The damage is already done. We might not know why certain parts of the relationship don?t feel right. We don?t understand why our spouse isn?t interested in sex any more. We sense an emotional distancing too. We pick up on all sorts of little things that don?t quite add up but we can?t put our finger on what it is exactly. Being in a relationship with a porn addict who is not (yet) in recovery is a very lonely place. Living like this eventually takes its toll on our emotional health and wellbeing. The longer it goes on, the deeper the damage and the longer it will take to put that damage right. That?s why I feel that it?s important for addicts to be honest. Speaking personally, my partner?s 15-20 year porn addiction resulted in depression, disordered eating, late onset anorexia and body dysmorphia, not to mention it?s damaging effects on my sexuality and sexual identity. As far as I?m concerned, it?s too high a price to pay just so he could masturbate to pixels on a screen. He told me that the only way he could quit was by admitting after many years that he had a problem with it.