Thanks for your response Aquarius.
I don't have experience with twitter but I do know that all of the social media site can be porn subs. Personally, my view is, if he is hiding it then it's not ok. I told my husband once that I don't care if he is hiding the fact that he was feeding the homeless, if he is not willing to walk in integrity and authenticity regarding this action then it's not ok. I
LOL, yes! exactly! I told him something similar. I told him that if he was hiding the fact that he loves paperclips and is obsessed with them - then THAT is NOT okay! anything hidden is a lie. Only enemies lie to one another - not friends or lovers.
So I have been feeling nauseous off and on for the past two days. I feel lost and alone and I?m grieving he loss of the partner I thought he was. I lost a best friend and found out he is really a lying scheming enemy.
I am so done with this roller coaster. This discovery feels worse that some of the others. I think it is because I had hope and I was seeing progress. He seemed more open about his emotions in general. More present. But then I find out that for the last 4-6 months he has been looking at twitter at work. THIS is what my gut was picking up on. THIS is what he was acting so suspicious and freaked out about when I asked to use his work laptop. I KNEW something was going on. And he didn?t tell me.
A few months ago ? we watched the Geoff Steuer video about double messages (lying) and how much they hurt partners. My husband said he got it ? he really got it and that he was not going to lie to me again. One of the quotes that stood out to him and that he would bring up every so often is a Russian proverb ?It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.? Well, AS HE WAS SAYING this. He was STILL LYING about using Twitter. I cant believe it. I?m in shock. I truly believed him when he declared no more double messages. I?m frustrated and I feel bamboozled. I told him that as he proclaimed this ? he was kissing me with a lie.
So we had an agreement that he and I both created in June/July. He wrote down and stated that he needs to tell me within 24hours if he uses porn. If he doesn?t then he needs to move out. So he was prepared to do that. I threw him a lifeline. I told him that the CSAT therapist I am seeing and the therapist he just started to see do a Gottman protocol for betrayal. Atonement, Attunement and Attachment. The Atonement phase involves him telling his therapist EVERYTHING about his porn use. Then it involves a polygraph to verify he is telling the truth. It?s a tool to help him be focused and accountable to himself. It?s also a tool to help me have trust that his porn use history is truly accurate and I can know the full extent of the betrayal. After the polygraph and the complete disclosure to the therapist ? then there is a therapeutic disclosure for me. I get the support of my therapist during this process. The attunement and attachment phase involves relationship repair and rebuild with an EFT therapist.
So I told him that unfortunately he would indeed need to go to a hotel this weekend ? or, he has the option to agree to do this Atonement, Attunement, Attachment process with a polygraph. And then this would be his last chance to demonstrate he truly is committed to changing this behavior. Otherwise, we should just separate. It?s really hard for me ? the idea of separation. I really find the physical connection that we share to be comforting and soothing ? especially at night. To sleep by myself makes me feel confused, lost and alone. But I have to be an adult and my best friend and my best advocate and stand firm in following through with the consequences of his boundary violation. I feel like one of those mom?s in ?Super Nanny? who have a hard time using time out to discipline their children. But I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF!
I also asked him to set up an appointment ASAP with his therapist. It is this Monday. I?m seeing mine on Tuesday. Meanwhile I?m riding the waves of all of these mixed up emotions. It?s a rough and stormy sea for me emotionally right now. I had been looking forward to this weekend ? a rare sunny one. I wanted to work in the yard with him and work on Christmas lights. I don?t know what I want right now. I think mostly I just need to put one foot in front of the other and make conscious decisions for self care. Maybe enjoy the sunshine and the vitamin D.
I?m telling myself that this will not happen again. That if it does, we are definitely separating ? probably for good? I don?t know. My therapist said that they help couples with therapeutic separation. I?m not sure exactly what that is ? I guess it is time to find out. I?m guessing it?s a well thought out separation with specific expectations and agreements on continuing with recovery work. I never thought I would be one of those women who take their husband back over and over again despite the abuse. I?m still in shock. It?s like he is two different people and I don?t know who he is at all. I feel like I am two different people as well. A confident woman who believes she deserves and healthy and loving relationship ? and a woman who is putting up with emotional abuse and crap from her husband.
He did agree to the polygraph and disclosure. It was hard for him. I don?t blame him, I completely understand ? I would feel the same way. He said it makes him feel like a criminal. I totally get that. But he can choose to look at it as a self-accountability tool. As I think about it now ? it seems like an appropriate tool and not a punishing one. He has lied to me for 20+ years in our relationship. I have tried to work this out with him for over 10 years. He?s had so many chances to understand and heal this lying behavior. But he never really took those opportunities. This is the only option right now for our relationship to move forward. He has been choosing to lie to me over an over. He has chosen to not be transparent and my friend. He has chosen to behave like he?s my enemy. Right now, he feels like my enemy. I don?t feel warm or close to him emotionally. I am withdrawn and distrustful. When enemies want to be your friends ? it seems completely reasonable and appropriate to ask for evidence that they truly intend to be caring, loving, and trustworthy. The only way back to friendship and a loving, sexual relationship is with a polygraph and therapeutic disclosure.