Is he no longer physically attracted to me or was it the PA talking?

My boyfriend lied to me three times before he realized how serious his addiction was. He wants to get help and is making an appointment with a therapist. He has never blamed it on me. However, he has previously said two hurtful statements on two separate occasions when I caught him (emotions were running high). One was "I'm not physically attracted to you. I'm only attracted to your mind." The other was, "If you took better care of yourself and worked out, you could look like this porn star, I wouldn't have a PA." He later said he didn't mean those things. I told myself that he didn't believe these statements, that it was the PA talking, and I led him to say those things by asking leading questions. It didn't make sense that he isn't physically attracted to me because he has no problems in bed and getting it up. In fact, sometimes, he finishes fast. Also, when he refrained from PMO for a bit, he seemed more interested in me and took initiative.

Yesterday, not sure how the topic came up, but I asked him, "If I look fit and you're more attracted to me, would you still have a PA?" He was playing video games when I asked him this, and he answered no. After he stopped playing video games, I asked him again, and he looked me in the eyes and repeatedly said, "If you were fit and I'm more attracted to you, I would not have a PA." He even said "You wanted the truth, right?" I got upset because I know this is not true, and I'm an attractive, fit-looking person. Eventually, I guess I convinced him to change his answer. He finally said, "if you were fit and I'm more attracted to you, I would still have a PA because it is a habit." I just don't know what to believe. I want to support him through his recovery because he seems willing and ready to work on it, but if he really is not physically attracted to me anymore, I don't think I should stay.

How do I know whether he truly isn't physically attracted to me or if his words have some truth to them?

The bigger question is what steps is he taking to recover? What are his recovery goals? Don't allow him to second guess or diminish you. Porn addiction is real but he can be mature enough and is responsible for what comes out of his mouth. If he is going to use that as a reason to make you feel like this then you might want to really think about this relationship. Really think about what is it you want in a partner and ask yourself if he can really be that person? To be perfectly honest, if I wasn't married with kids, I wouldn't have signed up for this. It is a long road and it's not easy. But a big part of recovery is working on empathy, it doesn't sound like he is concerned with that. You have a lot to think about.

Very true. I guess I'm still trying to figure that out - what I want in a partner and whether he can be that person. However, all of that is moot if he isn't physically/sexually attracted to me. Maybe he never was. I have no idea. He apologized for hurting my feelings and regrets saying hurtful things to me, but he didn't answer my question. Did I force him to change his answer? Is he physically/sexually attracted to me? Was he ever? If he's not physically/sexually attracted to me, I don't have to make this decision as to whether I can and want to be part of his recovery.

Only you can decide whether this guy is worth the effort. My husband is my life partner and we share a long history, family, home, finances, pets, etc. You don't go through into a marriage without being absolutely sure it's right for you, for both of you, that you share the same goals and values etc. It took me many years to come to this decision. I thought I knew exactly what I was signing up for. This was my best friend, we were 100% committed to each other and we were extremely attracted to each other, and had a fantastic, exciting but also deeply loving sexual relationship. Bear this in mind, because I'll refer back to this situation.

I had no clue my husband was already getting into porn and not only that, he was repeatedly going to the same strip bars. This was just before the internet and even had I known he was buying porn I would have said "no biggie". In fact about 4 years or so before we married I found a couple magazines and honestly, apart from a little bit of embarrassment on his part I just laughed it off. But it turned out his porn buying was more than that. After we were married we bought a PC and he was using porn within the first week, and soon after it was all the fucking time. The frequency of sex diminished, his physical response wasn't so strong plus I was in competition with the porn now. At the very least I had to compete for his time and attention, otherwise he'd be back on the porn sites. As for my physicality, I was in good shape and I had never doubted his attraction to me. Porn changed all that.

Did I believe he found porn "better" than me? At the time I thought he must have, but porn addiction isn't about that. It's all explained in the videos on YourBrainOnPorn.com so I won't repeat it here. You'll have to watch the videos yourself. It's a weird thing, because obviously it's a guy on his own masturbating to pixels, and somehow the repeated seeking and watching videos trains the brain and body to respond differently to real world sex. There doesn't seem to be one experience of porn addiction that accurately describes everyone but the neurobiology is the same. Men who have grown up learning about "sex" from porn become more hardwired to the porn template whereas men whose earlier experiences of sex were formed with real people will still probably retain that particular template, so their idea of 'normal' is having a whole body experience with another human being. Some guys can quit, others lose everything, their partners, families and even their job if they get caught watching porn at work, because they can't get by half a day without our.

OK, back to the relationship. If I had known that my partner was going to spend 15 years hooked on internet porn, no fucking way would I have married him. I would not have knowingly put myself through this. It's not just porn, it's the whole infrastructure that is built to support the habit, including the lying and deception that goes with it. My husband was the ultimate hypocrite, maintaining his moral objections to sexualised imagery in ads etc, yet he'd be consuming it in secret.

I could not understand my husband when he says he was always attracted to me, and still is. So why did he keep using porn? Until I understood porn addiction it made no sense, but his brain had been trained and his responses reinforced, so he kept repeating the behaviour because his brain would crave it so he'd repeat the behaviour. Over time the reward diminished and he couldn't understand why he was compelled to do what he didn't particularly want to do or even like. This was his experience of porn addiction. It's not necessary identical for all PAs because everyone has different emotional vulnerabilities and life experiences that drive their behaviour.

Porn was a blight on my life, it stole so much from me and I can't get back all those years. I didn't even have the chance to start over, and at one point in the early years of his porn addiction I was ready to go. It was no longer the relationship it once was, and after d day two years ago, there were times when I regretted not leaving years earlier. I could have had a better life. Single, or married to someone else, step families, or living alone and having lovers from time to time, I'll never know. It's been such hard fucking work rebuilding a relationship, and going through my own personal healing process too. Supporting a partner is all very admirable and that, but it's a large undertaking and you can't support your partner if you don't have any support for yourself. So think about what you want. I'm in it for the long haul. I keep my promises. I'm true to my vows. But it's hard work. Don't underestimate it.

My husband said quite a few hurtful things to me when found out and during the months of his own denial until he got into recovery. I'm like Aquarius, if not for the kids I would have left, it was basically not wanting to prematurely rip apart out family that kept me here trying. He is in proper recovery now and is horrified at the things he said, unfortunately for me though I don't know whether to believe that or believe that the things he said a year ago were true and now he's lying. That the problem with lying, it means nothing is then believed.
I guess in your situation you maybe need to sit and think about whether you are selling yourself short staying with someone that thinks/says those things about you. And the fact that he would blame you and your appearance for being a PA is not only incorrect but it's totally arsehole behaviour and shows that he's not even near being in recovery, it's a total lack of ownership, it's dumping his issues on to you, making it about you instead of about him. The reality is you could be the most attractive person in the world and he was still choose jerking off cos HE has a problem.

And the fact that he would blame you and your appearance for being a PA is not only incorrect but it's totally arsehole behaviour and shows that he's not even near being in recovery

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Applejack, you are spot on. I'm sorry to read that your husband said hurtful personal remarks. My husband didn't criticise my appearance, not out loud anyway. I think I just became invisible to him, I don't think I entered into his own thoughts at all, only insofar as to avoid being caught in flagrante, or on the off chance I would find evidence on his computer. Those were the only times he thought of me in his addiction, as a potential barrier to his acting out. Apathy and indifference can be very destructive too.

My husband only said a handful of hurtful things and then directly after apologized all over himself. IT was almost like he couldn't believe those things "fell" out of his mouth. But the reality is they did, they are out there now. They still hurt me. It was several years ago and we were having a discussion that built into an argument. I am Irish and German, I have amazingly thick long red hair. Unfortunately, if you can have this hair you probably get a few stray hairs other places too at times. I do a good job of grooming but we had been on vacation and crazy busy and I guess one slipped past my radar. In the hearing of the argument, he commented on how I could do a better job of caring for myself and ask if I could just shave or something. That is my biggest insecurity to this day!!!! I immediately started crying, and I am not a person who cries, lol! As a result of that, it created a borderline phobia I now have about hair. I spend probably 30 mins a day checking to make sure I am not some bearded monster. We have turned down opportunities going on camping trips with friends because I am worried I will not be in a place where I can groom without others watching. I have tried to lighten up on it but it is like some sort of paranoia. Even he has said countless times, after seeing the impact of his words, that he wishes he had never said that and is so sorry. But it there now. It was my biggest insecurity and he knew it and he used it to crush me. I know this sounds like a dumb thing that I am making a big deal out of but it is these dumb little things that turn into big things. They leave scars. It is so hard. Now I am working on being ok and learning to love myself. Love this creation that God created (I am a Christian). Whether you believe in God or something else, learn to love yourself. THat is healthy. I am learning to recover from these experiences because I don't want my daughter to be this way too. But I do understand the words hurt and once they are out there, well you can't put them back.

Aquarius, I sympathise with becoming hypersensitive about things. My husband never said anything but when he wouldn't touch my breasts during lovemaking I just found it odd, but that was definitely a symptom of his indifference to me because of his porn/fantasy preferences. After d day it all fell into place and I became very self conscious about that part of my body. I'm not even particularly small, but even so, I'm nothing like his fetish for excessively large. So although he said nothing at all, I still felt this as a rejection. My response was to go online and read posts by women concerned about being "too small" for their boyfriend's liking and read the replies from the men who said they loved their partner's petite bustline, and how they wouldn't change a thing about them, plus all the people, male and female, who said if she was with a guy who didn't accept her as she was then she should tell her boyfriend where to go and find someone who appreciates her for who she is. I read some of these posts to my husband, lol. Later on I found a website featuring images of 'real women' in all their glorious diversity, and just about every one of them was critical of their breasts - too big, too small, too asymmetrical, too droopy, too pointy.... you get the picture, lol.... and that was my turning point. I learned I was not "too small", in fact I'm not that small at all, and that all things considered, I have a pretty nice pair! And if my breasts aren't "good enough" for a porn addict, well, it's not me who's got the problem, is it? I couldn't look to my partner to reassure me I was OK, I had to find a way to feel OK about being myself, and that website helped me enormously. After that I did some nude self portraits drawn in charcoal which I found very therapeutic.

Love, love, love red hair! I'm Irish too and we have red hair in our family, but not me. I always wanted red hair when I was a little girl. Be proud, and who cares if you sprout a little hair here or there. You're human!

Emerald Blue said:

And the fact that he would blame you and your appearance for being a PA is not only incorrect but it's totally arsehole behaviour and shows that he's not even near being in recovery

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This should be a sticky!

Applejack, you are spot on. I'm sorry to read that your husband said hurtful personal remarks. My husband didn't criticise my appearance, not out loud anyway. I think I just became invisible to him, I don't think I entered into his own thoughts at all, only insofar as to avoid being caught in flagrante, or on the off chance I would find evidence on his computer. Those were the only times he thought of me in his addiction, as a potential barrier to his acting out. Apathy and indifference can be very destructive too.

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It wasn't anything about my appearance, was more things about our sex life/lack of sex and bringing up things about parenting and the housekeeping etc. He did make comments about why he was using porn that I found very hurtful, i.e looking at celebrities has appeal cos they are unattainable, which says what about me exactly, I'm not desirable cos he can have me if wants? That looked up women on facebook cos they are beautiful and yet I couldn't even remember the last time he said anything nice about the way I look, and nowadays he does but I struggle to believe it. And one of the worse was saying it was quicker and easier to masturbate, which basically made me feel like he viewed our love life as a tedious chore. That whole sticks and stones thing is so wrong, I think if he had punched me in the face it would have all hurt far less than the things he said, which feel like they are forever written on my soul (dramatic I know, but I don't think there's any forgetting of them ever, they cut so deep)

Again, my husband said absolute zero about our lack of sex life. He would rather have told me the lie that he wasn't really interested in sex, but he was quite obviously determined to masturbate to porn and put in all sorts of safeguards to avoid leaving any evidence.

Apathy and indifference are so damaging, and actions do speak louder than words. I could be stark naked in the bedroom and he'd just carry on reading, there was no reaction whatsoever. I ended up getting dressed and undressed in the bathroom because either I was invisible or I had been reverse objectified and found lacking.

It's very difficult to make sense of all those years of feeling sidelined and neglected in favour of porn. I knew he was using porn but I could never confront him with any evidence. He set it up like that because his worst nightmare was being caught in the act. But after years of living like this, and having no sexual contact whatsoever, I still can't make any sense of it. I don't understand what I've been through and I'm not at all sure about how I feel about myself. I carried that burden of rejection for years and suddenly it was "I've always been attracted to you".Do I believe him? I don't know. The sad part is I can't put the clock back 20 years and live my life differently. It's very upsetting.

I definitely can relate to being hypersensitive about my body because of things my husband has done/said. My heart goes out to you ladies. I feel your pain. When my husband first started his drippings, you know how it goes..... lies mixed with a bit of truth, more lies, truth on and on. My husband had taken it upon himself,  during his addicted days (if he was even addicted, but that?s another story) to please himself to the Fantasies of all my 4 sisters, as well as a 17 year old who attended  church with us. When drilling him (yes I did) about why, (this is at the beginning when I was absolutely Devastated and blown away by all this) he said some hurtful things that still pain me greatly to this day. It went like this, ? So why HER (my 10 year junior sister)? What is it that you like about her so much more then me? You said your not a boob guy. She has bigger boobs then me, is that it?? He replies , ? no, that?s not it? . Me- then what?! What is it? Tell me! Him- she hasn?t had any kids. Now ladies, pause here. When I play this through in my head , as I still
Seem to do, over and over. This is the point that I?m starting to get that knot in my stomach and the nausea. Anyway, continuing on the conversation. Me- so what! What does the fact that she hasn?t had kids got to do with anything?! Oh, let me guess. You think she would be ?tighter?. Is that it? You think I?m lose because I had kids?! Him- no. There are other things that can change when you have babies . Me- really? Like what? What is it? Him- I don?t know . (Typical answers) me-
I want to know, what?! Him- well, maybe she?s firmer. Me- what? So it?s my saggy boobs and fat ass? Him- no answer. Me - what do you like so much about her? Him- long silence.... it was her ass.

Now..... this hurts. Oh ladies this hurts like hell. Me and my other sisters always jokingly made fun of this sister because of her ?bubble butt?. Can you imagine the humiliation I am feeling now?? While we were teasing (not in a mean way) about her bubble butt, here my husband was also ?noticing? her bubble butt in a lustful way. Imagining it with no clothes on. Guess the joke was on me. This sister was also living with me while he was masturbating to her in the bathroom.
This takes me to the 17 year old at church. Very curvy girl who wore stiletto heels and tight fitting clothes....lots of pencil skirts. You know, the kind that amplify the REAR. She also had what I would refer to as a bubble butt. Not to be mean, I didn?t necessarily think there was anything wrong with it.... it was just a habit of referring to a women with a more prominent rear as ?bubble butt?. She was also one of his mastutbatory aids. As is obvious he likes ladies with more amplified rear ended areas. Well I tell you what, I am not in any way a women with a good shaped  Or prominent behind. So at least it?s now obvious that my body type isn?t his preferred type. My sisters is and the 17 year old at church.
Ridiculous but now I can?t help but see where every women is with a nicer behind..... I don?t believe he?s actively liusting anymore and may not at all but I do believe that if he sees this type of women now, he could very potentially be triggered. I am that?s for sure, although in a different way of course.
I hate him seeing my body now and I certainly don?t trust that he likes it at all. I have major triggers around any teenagers with any type of form (he seemed to really like the Young ones ). It?s hard. My daughter is 14 and has teeny friends over . Bikinis in the summer and etc.... when my daughter?s friend walked out to go to the pool (she?s quite developed ) in her bikini, I think I puked a bit in my mouth. Then the nausea continued till she got redressed. Hubby was in the garage and swears he has no interest and he?s so sorry for the things he did but , it doesn?t just go away unfortunately.

I stumbled across my dad's porn magazines when I was a teenager and single. I never wanted to become addicted to porn. I was curious so I read those magazine and they became my only source of sex eduction. At the time these magazines didn't contain sex scenes. They only had women posing naked. If I'd known what this curiosity would develop into then I'd have never got started.

I met my current girlfriend a few years ago. What can I say? She was perfection! She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I'm not a good looking guy by any stretch of the imagination, but somehow I managed to initiate and maintain a relationship with her. However, I continued to watch porn. Why? It's because I'm an addict. Those brain changes that I initiated all those years ago trapped me into this cycle of porn use. It's absurd. I have the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in bed next to me and I want to watch porn! You couldn't make it up! She doesn't know about my porn addiction. Obviously, she has started to doubt her own attractiveness and I feel terrible about this. I tell her she is still the most beautiful woman I've seen. The truth is, I became indifferent to her beauty. The problem isn't her, obviously, I have the problem.

I'm on day 61 of my reboot and I looked at my girlfriend last night and I was struck, like a slap in the face, by how beautiful she is. As porn slowly releases it's grip on me the fog which has distorted my vision for the last three years is starting to lift and I'm starting to appreciate her again.

This addiction is like a cancer. I want to quit once and for all. I am convinced that if we porn addicts finally break out of our addiction then we would see the real beauty in our partners, both physically and mentally. It's shit that our partners have to go through these feelings of rejection, diminishing self esteem and abstinence while we still get our kicks from porn! It's an absolute injustice and I will acknowledge the fact!

You're partner has most likely said these hurtful things because he feels trapped and under pressure. I want to make love to my girlfriend but I just can't get hard and my libido is zero. This makes me angry .... with myself! I can only apologise on behalf of the men who put their partners through this. If, or better, when we beat this addiction then we will be able to see our partners in all their natural beauty.

I hope your partner can realise the seriousness of his problem and start taking steps to treat you with the respect you deserve.