Struggling

Triggers...

Well what can I say, I am a living relapse. I've had some success rebooting and it 100% works if you commit and give yourself time to heal.

I had healed a great deal, but I slowly slipped and I'm back at square one and a year older.

What i have found us that the novelty is overwhelming. You find the perfect "porn star" and the perfect scene  to blow your load, and from the corner of your eye you spot a pair of nice tits and you go off on an hour tangent looking for the perfect scene of this "star" worthy of your jizz.

Then you climax and for a moment feel complete and then you realize you're a piece of shit while the downer kicks in.

You become a passenger in your own life, waiting to pmo while wondering can you make it through another day without jumping off a bridge (wow success, another day alive.)

I'm not asking for sympathy, just a place to vent. I know some don't think porn is addictive, and maybe for them it's not...but for me, well it's a juggernaut of addiction.

  I'll start my journal again and have another go.

I don't think you're back to square one.

I mean, I've been doing nofap nearly since the beginning when Gary Wilson did that Tedxtalk in 2012. And here I am 7 years later, and still a long ways to go. I've had countless relapses and only a handful of streaks that lasted more than a couple months. My most recent streak was 7 months but in the past month I PMO'd over a dozen times. But that doesn't mean I've destroyed all my progress. Look at things in the long-term - you have to fail, often numerous times, to succeed - that's simply the reality of life.

You just have to keep trying. What other option is there? I think eventually, after countless relapses, people grow so tired of it all that they have no choice but to succeed. It's important to remind yourself how awful you feel when you relapse because otherwise you will convince yourself that it's not a big deal. I'd suggest keeping a log/diary and write down how you feel, especially after a bad relapse.

What to think contributed to the relapse ?

Honestly up until the relapse I felt pretty good, but as I member I was horny and something had pissed me off, so I said to myself "fuck it." I took my phone up, opened Google and basically watched some soft core stuff. It took a few days to slip completely. Constant novelty and hours edging are normally now.

harpoon said:

What i have found us that the novelty is overwhelming. You find the perfect "porn star" and the perfect scene  to blow your load, and from the corner of your eye you spot a pair of nice tits and you go off on an hour tangent looking for the perfect scene of this "star" worthy of your jizz.

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You've nailed it. Porn NEVER satisfies. No matter how "good" what we're looking at seems - the starlet(s) in the scene, what they're doing, the setting, etc., everything seems "perfect" - but you're still constantly on the hunt for just one more, ...then another, ...and another. It never ends. There is no ultimate "I'm satisfied."

You become a passenger in your own life,

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Wow, what a HUGE quote.

I know some don't think porn is addictive, and maybe for them it's not...but for me, well it's a juggernaut of addiction.

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I don't know how its not a addictive behavior for anyone. I've never met a single person who'd look at porn (which inevitably leads to masturbation/orgasm) and say "Ok, that's it. I'm good for today", and maybe view again a week or two later. It may start that way but it doesn't end that way.

Thanks all for the responses

Thankfully I made my first day and night clean i feel like a pile if shite, but still not that bad either

I like all the observations here.  HMP always has good things to share, and I like remington's observation about porn never satisfying. 

I'm two years clean this week, and many of my relapses in the last 6 months or so sounded like yours.  Consider yourself lucky that the porn is losing its appeal.  Think of it this way... if an alcoholic gets violently sick from drinking it will be incredibly unpleasant, but it will help him quit and ultimately make him healthier.  In fact, that is the point of many of the medications for alcoholics.  If someone is drinking too much and still absolutely loves the taste and experience of drinking, it will be harder for them to drink.

Progress sometimes feels miserable and is often unrecognizable as progress.

DoneAtLast said:

I'm two years clean this week, and many of my relapses in the last 6 months or so sounded like yours.

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Wait, what? Sorry, Done - but this seems like a contradiction of terms.

Remington.22 said:

DoneAtLast said:

I'm two years clean this week, and many of my relapses in the last 6 months or so sounded like yours.

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Wait, what? Sorry, Done - but this seems like a contradiction of terms.

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Sorry, I didn't write clearly.  I meant "many of my relapses in the last 6 months before quitting", so about two and a half years ago.