Staying Centered No matter what

Hi everyone

Male 31
Engaged to partner
No kids
Self employed
work from PC at home



First journal ever , first time I research the topic and do this more seriously than ever before.

Been trying to quit for what seems like years.
Managed to stay sober for a month or two at the most
Easy if I was traveling or off grid

Most recent dry period: 4weeks after a period of 2weeks off grid.

Relapsed to porn yeasterday, slowly started with bikini babes on Pinterest and then escalated.

Gateway and trigger point: Pinterest

Actions: blocked all porn access and social media , torrents, YouTube,image searches on work PC.
Need to block iPhone and forget the password.

Open gateways ( danger points): fianc?es laptop and iMac in the kitchen that belongs to house owners.

Can't block them as it would expose my addiction );
Would be good to tell about  my addiction to partner but time is not right
Maybe can tell my brother


Day0
9am
Spent 30min watching p on iPhone in bed , that sucked but I made it to this forum and started this journal in the end
Sunny morning time for walking the dog and having a day of physical non digital work. Really need to stay off laptop in living room and iMac in kitchen. ... Considering eating my last  tiny bit of  hash I got left (got it 4years ago and save it as a remedy for special occasions or if I m too stressed out our cant sleep, use tiny doses) and make myself fully engaged outdoors all day.

Ok Day0 - Fresh Start
Here we go

Day1

So far so good
Last night was watching a funny clip on phone with my partner and on the side bar of Youtube there was this image of a naked girl in childpose on a yoga mat saying "Funny video clips.." and that kind of got me a bit of key but I brushed it aside. And we read and then went to sleep. Had quite a bit of flash backs as I feel asleep. Feel tiered this morning 12pm. But positive over all.

Day2

Ok day. Saw an album cover on bandcamp of painted naked women which stirred something in me didnt lead to anything. Looking forward to a day out in town tomorrow away from computers.

Day3

Had an erotic dream in the early morning about an ex from long ago, unexpected, nice, didn't lead to anything, jumped in the shower, got on with the day.

Day4

Good day out and about in London, crazy to see so many people at once as on the streets of central London after having spend weeks on the country side.
I been feel more of a physical pull today ...like wanting a dopamine fix. However seems Ive made it through the day, no distractions or triggers seen.
Hot cup of a tea and a lazy sunday eve.

I think its kinda from now on it starts getting more up hill... feel determined though.

Started taking Flouric Acid 200cc Homeopathyic remedy twice a day, dunno if it works, I feel it in my body, unclear axactly what it does to me on amental level. However good as placeebo if nothing else.

It is good that you decided writing about it. Writing helps!

Thanks TiramiSu

Day5

We made love last night, DE, a bit sad as we are trying for a baby... better luck next chance... feelt seriously messed up after that happened. But today seems everything is allright and spririts are high. Lovley crisp winter morning. Got a bit distracted clikcing on a website with photos of sports women, but it only lasted a minute or two before I shut it down. Nearly a week now. Hope all continues to go well. Im eating less sweetstuff which is good as I used it in the biggning to get my anxiety down, less sweet=more emotional balance. Focusing on my work and making headway with my business as well as meditating and reading and taking time ti be creative. Listened to a hypnosis tape the other day about quiting P that was ridiculous, but will try it when there is time and space. Also have an audio book ready to start listening too about P addiction.

My aim is to completely quit P for good. Like write this journal for a year at least.

Day6

Ok, thing are most def more difficult now, as I am storing more energy and need to find how to channel it.
Havent been able to take the homeopathyic remedies yeasterday because I snack too much and never seem to find a time gap where I havent eaten or drank tea for 30min (im really skinny) but I do need to look over not snacking so much, is all about feeling unsafe.

So, I need to take longer walks with the dog and go along in the evening even if my partner is taking him. Need to move more, be outside, do my yoga, meditation and chi kung more.

Write more here, read more here and stay focused because not the real up-hill work starts.

Day7


Sleep was not great last night, back pains coming back a bit. Still feel tiered now in the am.
Last night I ended up clicking on a youtube video of "sexy workout routine for fit women" that kind of stuff thats all over the place these days, watched it for a short while nothing happened, was bored by it but still feel not so good about lacking the selfcontrole to not click on it.
Also I spend 1hr yeasterday gaming at the middle of the day old game from like early 90s C&C, pretty pointless waste of time and energy, my lunch got cold because of it :/ hope not to redo those things ...

Im thinking I need to go on to my pinterest and delete my board with pinups on, its like a hook in my subconcious that sometimes pulls on me.

Had a siesta today and gonna have one more now, gosh I feel so tiered, wonder if its the lack of sleep or the homeopathic...btu I doubt homeopathics can have such a strong effect.

Anyway good to be here on the forum writing a bit, reading a bit. Getting on and creasing out all the leaks of energy in my life to focus on setting up life with more and more purpose and grace.

Day8

Managed to delete my board of pinups from Pinterest. Feels good to have that no longer there so there is even less reason to go on Pinterest.
Day was good

Day9

It got tricky last night, partner had a couple of glasses of vine. I said something stupid she reacted, led to the mood kind of beeing spoiled. Felt so drained and tiered wanted to go to bed and not stay and read so we ended up sleeping in different bedrooms. Allthough I usually am the one to start the night in her bed and then if I wake up during the night due to back aches I move over to the harder bed, she didnt want to try sleeping in the bed I like so I dont know, we feel distant this morning. I still feel completely drained of energy, took me all morning to feel human after meditating and doing some yoga.  Im wondering if it might be the Fluoric Acid Homeopathic remedy...Im gonna stop taking it. Seems there is no activity down there anyway, no morning wood or any sign of arousal during the day. My partner met up with this sucessful playwriter and after she got back from that meeting she has been very high pitched in her energy and excitable, its like the brake she has been waiting for to kickstart her acting career and thats good and all but I feel suspicious of this character that kind of drop out of no where, contacted her on FB and met up and wants to make her the leadsinger in this new show she is puting on in central London. ANd she has a Chateau in France she wants help to run workshops in and she ahs invited us there, its all a bit confusing for me. At the same time Im more tense with some new buisness moves happening with my own jewellery designing enterprise and feels like it might just start to make ends meet through it soon.

This weekend Ill be by myslef which I hope will go well. What happened last night could easaly have led to P before so glad it hasn't. Just hope we can say goodby on good terms today and that we both get to have a productive and restful weekend on our own.

Day10


First day on my own ok, did have a nice goodbye which helped. Actually the day isnt over. I watched a stupid action film lost of shooting and car chases Keanu Reeves or whatever he is called from Matrix was in it but all the other actors sucked, anywat was this scene where the gangster guys were in a sort of bath spa club and there was a scene with a really hot woman in a swimsuit bringing a drink over...that got my mind going...it was a trigger. Later on in the day during the evening dogwalk I had flash backs of porn scenes aaarrrggghh very very difficult, luckly I have this journal here now so I come here and read and write instead of slowly moving closer and closer to mature content.



Note to self: NO ACTION FILMS THAT COULD CONTAIN EXPLICIT SCENES &  MIND NUMBING VIOLENCE

It was also the empty feeling after watching that action film with lots of violence, its like I need something more, more , more, its never enough if you go down these pathways of extremes in anything. The more we can find refined and more subtle pleasures like playing a musical instrument, drawing or meditating in stillness or movement or just listening to music intently, the more we can sensitize ourselves to the world around us the more satisfaction and pleasure we can derive from daily normality just as it is. But if we get our heads full of intense stimulus normal reality becomes dull and unsatisfactory.

THE QUICK FIX ISSUE
I have also been struggling with too much sweet food like honey and dried fruits...is all about finding away to quickly get rid of having to feel the pain of anxiety and insecurity about life and myself and my place in it all. Of feeling not good enough and like Im wasting my life slowly on things that Im not totally passionate about.

ANTIDOTE: Battle sugar cravings with bitter tastes like Shijalit and Grapefruite Chrorella Spirulina stuff like that. Feel like chocolate? Instead; drink a spicy herbal tea, eat some ginger, splash your face with cold water, take ten deep breaths.

Day11&12

Last couple of day have been super full on, trying to meet deadlines w work and also moving home. Back in small studio now.Off to Sweden in couple of days. Alone here now on unblocked pc. Feeling confident. Allthough aware of the fact Im in a risk zone. Flat line and exhaustion symptoms have dissapeared feeling more inspired in general. Working on staying grounded eating healthy and taking time , allowing things to take their time, not rushing ahead madly. As fullmoon aproached and energies go more n more crazy and intense specially now before  x-mas that according to me is a big humbug we should all stop celebrating its even more essesntial to take the time to nurture myself and not give in to anything unhealthy .

Day13,14,15,16,17

Waow 6 days since I last posted
Mad hectic time moving home finishing off commission before Xmas
And traveling to visit my family in Sweden
Yeasterday I step out of integrity as my PC here in Sweden was not having Pinterest and Twitter blocked I surfed PS, and that set off a strong craving for more today
Which I indulged in );
Things are not well in my relationship she still holds anger and resentment towards me over certain things that have come to light and I resent her world view at times and it a mutual discordance we just don't seem to see and interpret reality in the same way and we are pulling a bit in different directions perhaps now also. We're in different stages in life, she is 47 I'm 31. I go crazy drooling over these pinups on Pinterest I really need to block these sites to avoid slipping down in to the pornswamp ever again. I wonder would I have the same problem if my partner was super sexy and a nympho ?  Our sexlife is not much these days too much work and tensions.

I really want to make this switch into more high frequency energy and channel my sexual energy through my heart and into my art practice and create create create , play sing dance.

So here goes
I'll stay committed to stay clean off P to see it for the irrelevant time wasting artificial dead end game it is.

I think I need to find an accountability partner as these todays have not gone well with out the web blocker on all gateway sites.

It's always two things 1 easy access to PS 2 argument w partner that makes me feel lonely angry and anxious

Please may I find a way to honor all my relationships and confront rather than shy away and seeking comfort in deadend places. 

Day0 Relapse

So last night after I wrote the post, I had the phone in my hand. I knew the pass phrase to unblock the restrictions. My mind was reasoning along the lines youve allready fallen into PS might as well watch some P now as it wouldnt really count any way just sneak a clip realitykings clip in, no one will know, dont tell anyone, its ok. So there I went again PMO... ),,;

Well it felt really bad afterwards, didnt fall asleep for like 2-3hrs and was too hot in bed.
Slept ok once asleep but woke earlier than Id wanted. So Im back to day 0 fellas.

Its that saying if you fall of the hourse, just get back on again, dont make a story about it.

Looking a head, not going into self judgment and self loathing. Just trying to stay more centered and limit the access point , need to renew the restrictions on the phone and on this PC

Need to ask my bother to give me the password so I can add Pinterest and Twitter to K9blocker.
More exercise & creativity needed also... I should really spend the first half of the day just to that and not even touch the internet until after midday. The joys of being self-employed x_x

Day1

Fresh start. I'll make my 90 day reboot happen.
Now , today when the day starts to grow brighter and the nights shorter, P is certainly not something I want to bring with me into the new year spring and summer. What a waste of time it is.

Day 2

Good day
No problems
Last night had full on flash backs randomly if I closed my eyes which was not very pleasant, this stuff is weird, it has such an impact on the psyche.

Also what I noticed a few days ago when I relapsed was that there was a buzzing tingling sensation in my right hemisphere towards the back of the skull. Any if you guys experienced this?? It actually been happening often through out my teens but now after 17 days with no P or M it was really noticeable. Wonder if its like porn induced brain cancer just kidding but seriously anyone else had tingling buzzing sensations on the right side of the brain, its never ever happened on the left side...

Day 3

Out at the SPA today, feel super relaxed. Thank thank you thank you, whst a great day!

Day 4

difficult day today

Woke up super tiered and kind of relaxed which felt good but also strange

going to bed too late again...midnight.

Was tript up by not such a good practice driving session, my reversing skills seem not so good.

Went to se my dad, horrible bit also nice, they seemed happy but he has started hording stuff so half his flat is full of boxes and stuff stuff stuff...

Came home felt like really just escaping the world with some comforting P, it like a mix of anger, sadness, frustration, tiredness and an unwillingness to face reality and the troubles that plague my family.

Need to stay humble, face up to the pain of what is going on, make the best, do what I can to restore as much harmony as I can, hold space without judging. Stay in my center and not indulge and try to escape on to the fantasy land of P and all the darkness abuse and addiction and ultimately dissatisfaction that thrives in that place. Not allow any negativity to grow inside me and just see how the situations conspire to push me over the edge, slowly like a tiptoe , but once I become aware of it becomes ridiculous. One more day...first week is always hardest, lets hope I get past day 17 this timee...Im so sorry I relapsed. I would have been in a different position had I not today. Ill get there eventually. Time for bed. zzzzZZZ 

Damn!
Back to day 0

How am I gonna deal with this ,,,);
stupid Pinterest
need to remove internet acceess alltogether
move journal to pen n paper