Want to have kids - I need to reboot

ipamn

Member
In the last couple of years, I've been slowly having more trouble ejaculating during sex. Me and my partner are trying to have a child at the moment and this is starting to be a problem. I often cannot ejaculate unless I'm really horny and that's if I haven't had sex for 3-4 days.

Having come across your site, it seems to make sense to me. I don't look at porn that much - maybe a few times a week but I did do it a lot when I was single. I think the moment is with the easy access to free HD porn. It is so quick and easy to "relieve" yourself.

So for the sake of me being a father one day, I'm going to go all in. I want to make today day one. I haven't read all the doco on here but all I'm going to do is to stop looking at porn, stop masturbating. The only thing I will do sexually is have real sex with my wife. Like all addictions, I'm going to be tempted - that's why I'm going to need your support!

 

ipamn

Member
Day two and I guess it will be harder from now. This is when the real test begins.

My wife's ovulation period is over for this month. Basically this means there is no chance to get pregnant this month and we'll need to wait for next month. I haven't PMO in the past few days because I had a very good reason not to - because I needed to cum inside my wife. With my PIED, I basically can only finish if I haven't had orgasmed in a while. We've had sex 4 times in the last 3 days and I only finished once - the first time.

I feel a lot of shame every time I can't finish. I haven't told my wife about the porn problem. I tell her it's not her fault - that maybe I'm just getting older and there's something wrong with me. And she's understanding, tells me I just need more rest and she sees that I'm upset too. But deep inside I know, it's probably not something actually wrong physically - because if I boot up a porn site, I can definitely cum.

That's where the shame is. Cause I can just make this go away, I know how to - but I just don't. That's why I've decided to start this journal. It's time I acknowledge I have a problem and I deal with it. I feel like PMO has ruined our sexual relationship. We love each other but we don't really have sex anymore - and we're only having sex now just to have a baby. At some point, when life becomes so hectic, so busy, sex becomes a chore - and porn - that's just a super easy way to relieve yourself.

But I don't want that. I want to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I want to enjoy sex. I don't want to be nervous that I may not stay hard or can not finish.

So for the next few weeks, the immediate incentive to not PMO is gone, now the real challenge begins. I don't feel like PMO-ing now but I know I'm going to want to in a few days and I'm going to need to resist the urge for that instant gratification. Cause overcoming addiction, that's not just one decision you make to stop, it's the same decision you have to make many, many times over and it takes only one moment of weakness.







 

ipamn

Member
day 3 and 4 - nothing much to report. Still going fine.

Been doing a lot of reading on the yourbrainonporn site and on here. I know at some point I'm going to get tempted and when I do, I want to remember all the stories I've read on here to remind me that lots of ppl have gone though it and have been successful and hopefully I can too.
 

ipamn

Member
day 5 and 6 - almost a week.

I still haven't had any urge to view porn. I think since I'm serious enough to start an account and journal on this site, it's kind of removed all temptation of viewing it.

However, one thing I have noticed is that I basically have no sexual urge at all. No desire to have sex. I used to get horny if I didn't view porn for about 4 days or more. Now I'm into my 6th day but no urge to view porn, but also no urge to have sex either.

Don't get me wrong - I know if I went to a porn site now, I'd get an erection straight away. But knowing that's not an option has taken away my sex drive.

Is this common? I was thinking by now I'd be battling my urges but it seems I have none.
 

ipamn

Member
day 7 and 8 - starting to get urges.

Have not succumbed to them yet. But knowing my body, this is the point where I could probably wank myself off without porn if I wanted.

Will try to have sex in the next day or so. At more than a week without ejaculating, I should be able to cum and this will relieve the urges hopefully.
 

ipamn

Member
day 10 - well I haven't watched P but I may have cheated slightly.

So was having sex with the wife. It had been 10 days since I last O so I figured I'd definitely be due. And I could get erect and I was concentrating on being in the moment, trying to feel each sensation. But I just couldn't get over the line. And towards the end, I just thought about a particular scene from a clip that always turned me on. It was brief but it was basically the only way to get over the line. I tried my hardest to O without it and I know fantasies are out but I just didn't want to disappoint my wife.

I'm not sure how far that's put me back. I mean, I'm still as determined as ever to never watch P again. But would this be considered a relapse? Basically the only reason I did it was to not hurt my wife's feelings.

It's made me realize though - I was thinking 10 days without O, I'd definitely be able to O no matter what. But it seems there always has been an element of fantasising with me in order for me to O.

 

David Albert

Active Member
Hey there, it's obviously not an ideal thing you did, having to fantasize in order to O, but don't make a bigger deal out of it than it's supposed to be. It's not a relapse, you didn't relapse. Relapse is only when you look at P and masturbate to it. It wasn't great what you did but you had strong reasons to do it (not disappointing your wife). Not being able to O after 10 days should make you think, you need to focus on that.

You need to remember, as long as you stick with the program, things are going to get better in time. That is a fact. Focus on that. On improving. It's still early days, after less than two weeks, there was no way you would see huge improvements.

I wish you all the best !
 

ipamn

Member
David Albert said:
Hey there, it's obviously not an ideal thing you did, having to fantasize in order to O, but don't make a bigger deal out of it than it's supposed to be. It's not a relapse, you didn't relapse. Relapse is only when you look at P and masturbate to it. It wasn't great what you did but you had strong reasons to do it (not disappointing your wife). Not being able to O after 10 days should make you think, you need to focus on that.

You need to remember, as long as you stick with the program, things are going to get better in time. That is a fact. Focus on that. On improving. It's still early days, after less than two weeks, there was no way you would see huge improvements.

I wish you all the best !


Thanks David.

The thing is, at least for the short term, I'm probably am going to need to fantasise during sex if it'll help me O. Because we are trying to have a baby - and it doesn't help if I can't ejaculate. I will try without the fantasy element but will probably need to resort to it if it's the only way to get me over the line.

It's day 14 now. I think the "porn watching" habit is definitely out of my system. As in the first few days, I'd be thinking about it - definitely weren't going to do it - but it was in the back of my mind because it was almost like a habit built into my routine. But last few days have not really even thought about it which is good. In fact, I actually forgot to update my journal on here.

Now just need to focus on recovery and getting my sex drive back.
 

happysad

Active Member
hey ipamn,

good luck on your journey.
You have an understanding wife, frequent sex so you should rewire to orgasming with her within a couple of weeks, if you keep away from porn or fantasizing.

also... maybe it's a radical comment to make, but when I read that you basically agree to fantasize in order to O with your wife I asked myself: wouldn't it be a awkward to know that I made a baby-boy/baby-girl when instead of their mother I was thinking of a pornstar? But that's just me.

again good luck! leave porn behind for good.
 

ipamn

Member
happysad said:
hey ipamn,

good luck on your journey.
You have an understanding wife, frequent sex so you should rewire to orgasming with her within a couple of weeks, if you keep away from porn or fantasizing.

also... maybe it's a radical comment to make, but when I read that you basically agree to fantasize in order to O with your wife I asked myself: wouldn't it be a awkward to know that I made a baby-boy/baby-girl when instead of their mother I was thinking of a pornstar? But that's just me.

again good luck! leave porn behind for good.

It is a weird situation I agree. I prefer to think that if we do get a child, I'll always remember him/her as the beginning of and reason for living without porn (secretly - not going to be talking about it on their 18th birthday or anything)

But yeah, the fantasizing is obviously something very undesirable. That's why it is for last resort only. It's just there is only a small window to conceive every month - and we're not getting any younger - so we really can't wait for me to recover before we start trying to conceive. In a lot of ways, that's where a lot of my guilt lies. If we don't have children, it's basically my fault.


 

ipamn

Member
day 17.

So far, since I started, I feel like I've been on a bit of a flat line. From what I read anyway, it seems to fit the description.

Basically, for me, I can only get an erection with P or M. So for the past 17 days, because I haven't been doing P or M, therefore I have no erection. There's been times there's been triggers in which I felt I wanted to give myself an erection (by doing P or M) but of course I haven't  done so.

So I'm just explaining this here because I've realized that that's the difference between where I am and where I'm trying to get to. The thing is, there are lots of things in life that are triggers. And if I wasn't doing a reboot, I wouldn't necessarily need to avoid them either. These are natural urges.

But right now, the difference between me and a normal guy on the street is that they'll see an attractive woman, and they'll get an erection where as I will see the attractive woman, and want to go watch some P so that THEN I can get an erection.

That's pretty fucked up when you put it in those terms. And for ages, I felt I wasn't addicted to P because I only did it a few times a week. But it doesn't matter how often you do it - if it's the only way you can get an erection, then there's something wrong.

I'm happy to report though that after 17 days, I do feel a little bit more sensitive down there - there's been a few times I've felt it "move" if you will. I'm not completely there yet, but it gives me confidence that I'm on the right track and I hope it won't be long before I completely recover.






 

S85

Member
Hey Ipman,
Have you got someone that follows your journal? Im looking for someone to be accountable to with my journal.

Im 31, live near London
Trying to have baby
DE last time we tried

Im on day 6 of my reeboot

Hows it going for you...been a while since you posted..?
 

32

Active Member
Hi Ipman,

I can totally relate. 31 y/o married and very soon we'll be trying for a baby.

Same concerns/E.D

Are you interested in being accountability partners? If not, it would still be good to read your posts.
 

ipamn

Member
So I started this journal on the 10th, so I'm coming up close to a month now!

I'm happy I have not PMO yet. And I think I'm starting to get over the "flatline". In that, since I quit, I've felt almost a disinterest in sex. It kind of frightened me but it kind of didn't because I read a lot about it from other journals on here and that it was a common thing.

It did make me realize though that my sex drive was manually triggered. If I wanted to feel horny, I'd go on my laptop and turn myself on. And I had done it so much, it became my only trigger. That's the only way to explain the flat line.

In the past few days though, I kind of felt like I'm getting urges. Like if I saw an attractive woman, lately, I catch myself noticing. And it's weird - I think most people (especially those in hard mode) here would consider that a bad thing to have more urges. For me, I feel like it's a good thing. I mean, it's a bad thing if I give into the urges to fantasise or P so I'm extra vigilant to not do that. But I feel these urges indicate to me that I'm starting to be able to be attracted to 'real' women.

 

ipamn

Member
Hi Marley and 32,

Would definitely be interested in being accountability partners especially since all 3 of us seem to be in the situation of trying to conceive with PIED. It's up to you how you want to do it. We can just follow each other's journals (in which case, let me know where yours is) or we can PM each other.

Good luck on each of your journeys so far.
 

ipamn

Member
So I'm officially a month in.

I feel pretty good. It's been easier than I thought so far. Mainly because I flatlined for the first few weeks which scared me but really built my resolve to stop P. It's only been in the last week or so, I've felt urges. There was one day where I was at home alone where I was tempted but other than that, the thought of giving in has never crossed my mind.

I've felt my PIED has improved too. I've been able to ejaculate during sex. Admitedly, I do need some element of fantasy and I do need a few days break each time, but before I started this, it was like I could only ejaculate once a week or less. So I've still got some ways to go but really glad I started doing this and I'm really glad I found this forum.

I think I should easily be able to get through the next few weeks too as we'll be staying at a friend's house for a while. I won't have my own Internet (and even during my P addiction days, I would never do it on other people's internet) and there'll be plenty of people in the house for me to get any privacy.

 

32

Active Member
great to hear of your progress. I know that every day we need to do something that will help us to (consciously) take a step forward to beating this.
 

chickaboomski

Active Member
Hey Ipman. I am a partner on the other side of your situation. My partner has DE to the point where I could count on one hand how often in 12 months. While he refused to acknowledge the problem was porn, I found this place after looking for medical reasons as to why and us wanting a baby. It was not until all access to internet, phone, home, you name it was cut, and he had no choice to stop I could prove to him the problem was porn. His DE cleared up with in 2 months. To the point he could go 2 days in a row. Lay off the fantasy and allow yourself to rewire fully. I know the baby making thing seems urgent. But a couple of cycles and you will find a remarkable difference. Your partner not knowing about this problem makes it hard to explain to her, but you are probably saving her a lot of heartache too if you can get on top of this without her knowing. Because although we get told it isn't us, we don't believe it, or feel it. And what it does to self esteem, confidence and everything we think we are as a woman is pretty devastating. Keep up the great work. This is a long journey. My partner stopped for 9 months and has recently fallen. And I know because the DE returned immediately. To the same state of not being able to cum for weeks. Good luck.
 

ipamn

Member
I haven't written in here, and it's almost 90 days and I would love to say I almost made it.

The truth is, I let myself down the other day. The reason I came in here originally was because I had DE and after a month of no PMO, it was going really well - I didn't have DE anymore.

I looked at what others were writing and I thought that maybe I wasn't really "addicted" like you guys... I wasn't wasting hours compulsively using P, I didn't have fatigue or depression or whatever from it. It was just the DE and it was gone.

And I didn't have anything ethically against P. Honestly, that's the truth - there's probably tons of guys that do it and has no effect on them. So in my opinion, good on them - what they do in their own time is none of my business.

The fact is, I'm not really one of those guys. I started thinking maybe I could still PMO once in a while so a week ago, I decided to do it. And it's weird - it was oddly unsatisfying. I had been looking forward to it and when I did it, it was a bit depressing actually - cause I don't know if anyone notices, but porn plot lines are generally on the extreme side of absurd.

Anyway, basically after that, it must've planted some sort of seed in my mind again. Because I would have sex with the wife and more and more of my mind would be bought back to the porn scenarios. And at first, I was still ejaculating but now it's got to a point where I've now full flatlined. I have no libido. I'm basically back to where I started.

So pretty annoyed with myself. I had something good going and I was reckless and ruined it. It takes just one moment of weakness but I was too overconfident and arrogant. So here I am - back here - day 7 again. Hopefully, I'll be more humbled by my failure and know that even one PMO session can ruin things again.

 

ipamn

Member
chickaboomski said:
Hey Ipman. I am a partner on the other side of your situation. My partner has DE to the point where I could count on one hand how often in 12 months. While he refused to acknowledge the problem was porn, I found this place after looking for medical reasons as to why and us wanting a baby. It was not until all access to internet, phone, home, you name it was cut, and he had no choice to stop I could prove to him the problem was porn. His DE cleared up with in 2 months. To the point he could go 2 days in a row. Lay off the fantasy and allow yourself to rewire fully. I know the baby making thing seems urgent. But a couple of cycles and you will find a remarkable difference. Your partner not knowing about this problem makes it hard to explain to her, but you are probably saving her a lot of heartache too if you can get on top of this without her knowing. Because although we get told it isn't us, we don't believe it, or feel it. And what it does to self esteem, confidence and everything we think we are as a woman is pretty devastating. Keep up the great work. This is a long journey. My partner stopped for 9 months and has recently fallen. And I know because the DE returned immediately. To the same state of not being able to cum for weeks. Good luck.

chickaboomski - your advice about it returning immediately is so right. i wish i had listened :(
 
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