PhD student strugling with life

Allright, here goes nothing. In hindsight, I have been a porn addict since the age of 16 or so (now 29). Although there have been periods in my life where I did do well (in general), I have always watched porn. Some years ago, as a student still, I suffered a stress related burn-out, which I now also relate to porn use. In the wake of that event I started meditating, I got to know my girlfriend and things were relatively OK for a while. However, the craving never really left me, and I never really gotten to enjoy my life as much (never really stopped P, but living together with my girlfriend now so watch every week or so). Porn use has had a huge negative impact on my relationship. I never really talked about it with my girlfriend, and often times I am suffering from PIED. The only way to get it up for me is when I fantasize during the act. For this I despise myself, as it is unfair to my girlfriend. Moreover, it is probably maintaining a wrong wiring of my brain.

Not surprising, P is also having a negative impact in other areas of my life. Although I managed to obtain a position as PhD candidate, I am not doing too well. As a PhD candidate much of the motivation to do stuff has to come from within yourself (there's no real hard deadline except the end of my contract ...), and here I have massive problems. I tend to avoid things that are hard and resort to porn use to numb the stress that I experience. Furthermore, I am just not able to think clearly oftentimes, and I am easily distracted. As an aspiring scientist, I am deeply troubled with having kept my addiction secret to everyone. Integrity and trustworthiness are the most important virtues for a scientist and it makes me feel bad that - although I try to pursue these in my working life - I do not hold up these virtues in my private life. In that sense, writing this journal/blog post is already somewhat alleviating.

Ok, so my goals are:
1) No P
2) No M
3) No fantasizing whatsoever
4) Meditate ~30 min and/or physical activity

Good luck on journey man! Stay strong and learn as much about porn and the human brain if you havent yet.

Thanks you yodaranch! Your positive feedback and advice is highly appreciated. I am trying to learn as much as I can, and notice this helps me a lot.

Day 3 now. Last couple of days have been OK. I managed to stay with all 4 of my goals. But I've realized that I have to add one more, which will hopefully speed up the process: 5) do not engage in other 'stupid', time wasting activities as a substitute. For me this includes endless sessions of blitz chess (normal time control is too slow and does not provide me with a dope high and enough novelty I guess) and gaming. First of all, such activities are on my computer and thus entail the risk of escalation. This is a very real risk and has trapped me in the past. Moreover, these activities add to a depressing feeling of not getting work done, which weakens the barriers to worse. On the note of risks, just for reference I'll list some of the triggers that have made me fail on past attempts (were I was stupid enough to not keep a journal ...):

-being home alone (in fact, this weekend, my girlfriend is out of town so I have to stay extra alert)

-drinking alcohol; I do not at all have a drinking problem, far from it, so actually a couple of beers already substantially affect my state of mind. Therefore, when coming home after having had some beers with friends is a tricky moment as my frontal control is probably weak at that time.

-avoiding to socialize (just calling a friend or relative for some smalltalk may help to get through a difiicult moment)

-actually, GOOD DAYS are dangerous as well! On previous occasions, I have experienced a sensation like, 'oh, I am doing relatively well, surely, it cannot hurt to ...', this behavior then subsequently escalated to P and brought me back to square 1, from a good position! This I really need to take note of this time round.

Ok, now some backup activities to do when the going gets though:
-play the guitar
-read
-exercise
-meditate
-clean the house
-call a friend/relative
-if all else fails, leave the house and go to a nearby bar to read (and have a juice, of course)


I'll try and post as much a possible this weekend, and will try to stick with my goals.
Thanks and regards!

Day 5 now. Things are not completely as I wished they were (obviously ). I am very anxious and do not really manage to stick to my contingency plans ... Did succeed in goals 1-3 today, but failed to not do gaming etc. Feels like such a useless day ...! I finally decided to drop my computer off at work (so dont have any device in the house) and will pick it up tomorrow at some point... Arggg, it is definitely not easy. But I am feeling good about not PMO-ing at least. So, on to tasks 4 and 5 for the remainder of the day!

klm5000 said:

As a PhD candidate much of the motivation to do stuff has to come from within yourself (there's no real hard deadline except the end of my contract ...), and here I have massive problems. I tend to avoid things that are hard and resort to porn use to numb the stress that I experience.

Click to expand...

Hey man,
Here also a PhD candidate struggling with the same thing.
It's tough, yes.  And indeed, I also tended to avoid hard and scary things and resort to porn. The good news is, we know what causes the lack of motivation, lack of focus, anxiety, etc. Its the PMO. So removing PMO will eventually fix these problems.

A PhD is hard, but it's also a very nice journey of personal and mental growth. So the perfect time to start rebooting 

Good luck on your journey! 

Hi man . Hold on tight  man.
As a student for a physic bachelor degree . I can relate to certain things . Such as the will  to overcome study phobia . And do the hard work . As someone how struggles with the academic side of his life . I just want to remind you & my self included that perhaps that degree ( master /bachelor/phd)
Is our life boot from PMO addiction . And our way out of the storm.

Thanks for your support tmvrt and young shinobi. It means the world to me! It is difficult to not talk about this with any of my colleages. I am really happy to find that there are other people here facing the same problems. I like your suggestion to threat obtaining your degree and quitting PMO as one and the same struggle to overcome. They really are related for me, as becoming a good scientist also entails becoming a good person overall. This definitely helps me to stay motivated on this path!

Lets all stick with this and perservere, both in our struggle to overcome PMO and in obtaining any degree or other life goal! I now realize more than ever that they really are tied together.

As far as its going right now. I am holding on tight, day 8 now. I have made it through while sticking to no PMO, but still find it hard to spend my days usefull. Or as usefull as I would want them to be. I'm having a hard time concentrating on difficult tasks. But I guess that is part of the deal, and hopefully will pass with time.

Yes man, time is our friend. I think we have to deal with that rebooting itself costs quite some willpower and energy. Keep rebooting as a priority (it will pay off in many different areas) and eventually the energy will come back.

keep it up you can do it!

When it comes to  time . I believe that it has the power to set us free. But it is realy hard to gain time as friend . Espacialy if we have a daily struggle . And ADD  symptoms generated from pmo makes distractibility/procrastination a serious probleme.
The key here is to have a mind set in witch you start implementing habit behavior paterns gradualy . And to the us rebooters change must be very slow and consistent.
The moment the activity start to seam easy and effortless . Get to the next one.
Read my journal on : time wave :  i hope you find something usefull on it. And keep fighting man . Don't  give up yet

Allright, I have to start over again, unfortunately. I was well underway last time, but succumbed again some time ago. Darn it! I just read my journal from what it was so far, and realized that I was well underway at the time. What tricked me again was a GOOD DAY, a dag were I had a lot of fun boating with friends and collegues. I felt so nice and appreciated and I figured I am ok now and I would not hurt to P. It did, obviously. Ever since I have binged, and are at a low point again. I feel really bad about it!

Furthermore, my life situation did not turn for the better: my contract as PhD student has ended, but I have not yet finished my PhD, which means I have to finish it in my own time, or look for annother job. I am opting for the first; I have saved enough money to last me till december and should be able to finish by then. But it does mean I have no more social obligations, which makes it very hard to motivate myself to leave the house. Especially when I am triggered to P. I intend to update daily in the morning (am in Europe), and leave the house for work afterwards. Allright, lets go for it!

Just for the record, I will reiterate my goals:
1) No P
2) No M
3) No fantasizing whatsoever (also not with my girlfriend)
4) Meditate ~30 min and/or physical activity

Current day: 0

regards

DAY 0 -- Still

I went about installing P-blocking software (openDNS and locking google search prefs) on all my devices just so that I have an extra barrier (of course I installed it myself so probably will be able to bypass if I try...) when the going gets though. However when checking the install I relapsed. Pretty dumb, my brain playing tricks on me, I should have been prepared. But at least it is a small step forward I guess, and it was a 'small' relapse, but still putting my counter back. Tomorrow will be first real day!! Looking forward to that.

In the mean time, I am having arguments with my girlfriend, mostly because I'm a shallow person because of PMO I guess. Hope to get my motivation and lib back and win (keep) her for me! That is the end goal!

Allright, thanks and regards

Good luck, I also still strive from zero

DAY 1

Thanks yukenshin! Actually on to day 1 now . We will do this, one day at a time! I had a good day today, stuck with goals 1-4. Even managed to get a good deal of work done and had a long chat with a collegue. Feeling generally cheerfull. I do feel some cravings right now, but also haven't had diner so might be just hunger haha. In any case, I am going to ignore that, have some food and then go to sleep; there is (and always will be!) annother day tomorrow!

Regards

DAY 2

Had a relatively good day. I did not manage to stick to goal 4; and did not do as much work as I would have liked to do. But no PMO, thats the most important I guess ... The rest will follow suit. Cravings are strong sometimes, but I feel confident at the moment. I do overthink my situation a lot; probably a good idea to more actively seek distraction in other usefull things. Will keep this as a goal for tomorrow!

Regards

DAY 6

Time flies when you're having fun! I am trying to keep busy as much as possible. With good things; reading, working (out) and social activities. Especially the latter are so important to me. Just calling / visiting a friend or my parents can make all the difference. I realize I need not to let my guard down though. This has happened to me before: you have a good day that is full with appointments (so no time to think of P), and then once you're alone, you feel good, you feel as if you have beaten your addiction, but that is exactly the time it hits the hardest. I need to prepare myself for that, and remind myself that every day is a struggle and every single day is important, you cannot slip once, ever again..

I am getting a little bit ahead of myself here, it is only day 6 ... I am feeling pretty ok though, no urge for P at the moment. I think I might be about to enter a flat line, but do not dare to test for that. Furtunately, I am going sailing with friends in 2 days, for one whole week. No internet, no computers, and oil lamp lighting. It will be a 'free' week of progress; free in the sense that I simply cannot P, but my goal is also to refrain from fantasizing, so there is still a struggle in that. I already know that it is when I get back from the trip that I must be most cautious, this are the kind of moments when I have let my guard down in the past.

But I am getting ahead of myself again! It is day 6. Still two more days till the relative safety of the sailing trip. So here are some reminders for myself:
-don't focus on progress, just take it day by day and then progress will come! But focus of the days, hours, minutes. If it gets hard, tell myself that I have gone through the past hour, which I survived, so surely I can go for annother hour. I should keep reminding myself why it is worth the effort, that P brings me nothing but misery. Most importantly, what I have again realized the last couple of days: keep busy, and get out! Get out and away from your house (fortunately its summer here). That is critical.

Oh yeah one more thing: I really enjoyed listening to music from the trainspotting soundtrack last week! I rediscovered this awesome movie lately; I guess us P-addicts can sort of relate to the state of affairs in there (although, unfortunately, our drug is much easier to come by and we don't need to go out robbing and steeling to get it! If that we're the case many of us probably wouldn't have this problem ...). The movie acts as a reminder that indeed, drugs (or P) are not real life. Allright, time to get to work!

Regards

DAY 0

OK. I'm sorry guys. Most of all for my girlfriend ... But I did not manage. Lets start you where I left off:
I was doing relatively well; > 3 weeks in, but then relapsed once on 'soft' material. Then relapsed again couple of days later. Managed again 1.5 weeks, but now relapsed again for a couple of days straight. Did not do any usefull work. Darn it! Just wasted my time. My collegue and superviser said the other day: time is like money, you can only spent it once. The only diference is that you cannot earn it back once you've spent it ... So better make good use of the time we have here!!

I little reflaction on what happened: what got me to relapse really, I think, is not being on this forum (ie not having my goals in front of me, not being busy every single day). I realize, once more, that overcoming this should be, must be and is the single most important goal in life right now. Nothing else will work out if I don't fix this FIRST. Obviously, it won't be fixed in a matter of days ... or even weeks. So I guess I need to stay for the long run; and keep you posted. Daily, ideally. I'll try to do this, starting now, at day 0. Finally, I realized that I had always formulated my goals in a negative way; not do such and such, don't do this and that. This is, off course, necesarry, but it might also help to include your end goals in your daily goals; just to be reminded.

So my (end) goals are:
A) enjoy a loving relationship with my girlfriend.
B) get rid of the brain fog; and enrich my life in the process with nice experiences, like finishing my PhD

To accomplish these, I have set the following daily goals:

1) No P
2) No M
3) No fantasizing whatsoever (also not with my girlfriend)
4) post on this forum
5) Meditate ~30 min and/or physical activity

LETS GO BOYS!!!!

Regards

KLM,
relapse have a very very important role.
1. they tell you very clearly what your triggers are
2. they present opportunity to think about why you have these trigger and what are your plan of action to deal with them in the future.

PMO robs us of our opportunity to understand and manage our emotions by providing a distraction or escape route.
The biggest damage is not treating the root cause and have it repeat in the future with no proper corrective plan of action.

DAY 1

Thank you! Your post helps me motivate and try all that much harder! Actually, reading your comment made me realize something; my goals of no pmo etc. indeed do not include avoiding triggers, which might be the most important of all. I realized this while walking around at work today. The university is not a good place for someone with pmo addiction ... But it is good to realize that. I will try to avoid crowded places in the first few days; or at least I will try to avoid ogling at girls. This relates to what Gabe mentions in his startup video: try to avoid all triggers, not only p and images, but everything that can send your brain down the wrong pathways. I think this was part of my previous relapses.. Good lesson, thank you for the advice!

Ok, regarding my daily update. Today was good in terms of avoiding pmo and fantasies and triggers (to a certain extent). I have also been reasonably productive today, so thats a bonus. Actually had a good idea in conversation with a student, which gives me hope for my brains after all . I do feel very tired, and emotionally drained right now, BUT very motivated still. I'll just clean up, cook some food, turn of this machine (!) and then go to bed. Tomorrow's annother day! See you then.

Regards

DAY 4

So, daily updates are not coming through eh ... Good thing is that I managed to stick with my goals the last couple of days, and in fact I have been very effictive in not spending time at my computer 'unsupervised' (ie in the presence of other people), to such an extent that I did not write here (I don't want to sit on this forum in front of my colleagues). Regardless, it have been 3 good days! I did experience some urges on the way, but mainly was simply not able to act upon them. Right now I am doing ok. I had a nice day and spent some time in coffee bars, working, and reading the newspapers. Physical activity is somewhat hampered by a nagging injury, this is annoying but I can get by and I try to do meditation or guitar playing instead. The main thing I realize is that I managed to keep myself busy. So a piece of advice (to myself), is to comit yourself to all kinds of appointments with others, whom I will generally keep, this way preventing me from spending to much time alone behind the computer.

I will try to keep this motivation level, and make sure to keep updating this thread!

Regards

DAY 11

Skipping 7 days ahead that is! But at least I managed to keep my counter going ... Still sticking with my goals; and still being very effictive at not spending unsupervised computer time ... The gravings were really bad yesterday and today especially, but I managed to steer clear of it, and sitting here writing this now. But I did not manage to stay productive all the time. I was watching chess movies (of all things) prior, which actually did well for me in terms of keeping my mind busy on other things, but also kept my mind from work and other useful stuff... I did spent a good amount of time working last week though, and actually made some progress. In terms of gravings and temptations I noticed that the last couple of days (lets say from day 7 onwards) are actually more difficult than the first few. During the first few days I was just (more) numb, but now I have really strong cravings from time to time. I wonder if anyone else has had the same experience?

As far as motivation goes this is still high. I am committed to this change; I must keep reminding myself what it will bring me, why I decided to quit P. It really, really does not do anything good for us. Although my brain tries to trick me into thinking it does, and that it really cannot hurt, one more time. It CAN hurt, and it will. So I am not caving in. Keep going everyone!! I am trying too. Will follow with next update soon! Now time for some guitar . 

regards