My partner cheated on me and has now confessed PA

evs

New Member
I?m 23 and my SO is 24. We?ve been together 5 years and we?ve had some ups and downs with a bad start to the relationship (some overlap with his ex) and some issues with my mental health.

In January, when I was talking about the future, he reluctantly told me that a year and a half ago when he was on a stag do he kissed another girl in a club when he was really drunk. He said he didn?t see a way to continue the relationship without telling me because it was eating him up. He said that he believed this had led to issues with P and wanted to be open with me about it. I had noticed significant differences in his behaviour and mood in the last 18 months, but when asking him about it and explicitly asking about and incidences of cheating, he denied it all.

After telling me how terrible about himself he felt, I gave him an ultimatum and told him that in order for our relationship to continue he needed to see a counsellor. He has now been seeing her for almost 5 weeks and says it?s helping, but every time he goes more things seem to crawl out of the woodwork.

After last week?s session, he told me that in the last month he hasn?t been able to reduce his PMO at all and he just didn?t want to bring it up with me. I do try to bring it up but he?s very uncomfortable and tries to get it over with very quickly (without telling me true details, it seems). He also told me that he?s been using webcam chat sites and that at one point he set up a Snapchat to send and receive pictures. I occasionally watch porn (although I haven?t at all since he told me about this issue) so I didn?t have much of an issue with that. However, the webcam chats feel like a continuation of the cheating that happened a year and a half ago. It really hurts. He said that the cheating incident was when these problems really started and that he believes it?s a sense of guilt and low self-worth that perpetuates the porn use.

This week, we?ve sort of started a battle plan together based on other people?s recoveries. He?s using a daily mood log, a forum thread of his own and a list of distraction activities to help him through the days. He?s also made a list of his motivations to overcome the urges and to avoid trigger situations e.g. taking his phone to the bathroom, hanging out in his room on his own, using devices that we haven?t installed blockers on. He seems really committed to this plan, but I?m just terrified of the first failure (which I?m fairly sure there will be, looking at these forums). I?m afraid of how I?ll take it and I?m afraid of him keeping it from me because of his worries about my reaction.

I don?t know whether I?m being a pushover to be honest. I have done my best to be the most understanding and empathetic person I can, but that sort of means pushing my own emotions to the side and leaves me feeling very confused and upset when I have time alone or intimately with him. I?m basically keeping busy so I can?t dwell on it too much. I can see how much damage this addiction is doing to his self-confidence and ability to be happy in himself and I don?t want to make it about me, even though it does very much involve me and my emotions are at his expense.

Does anyone have any tips for me and him during this process? I?m desperate to give this my all because our relationship is definitely worth saving, however I also need to know when I?m flogging a dead horse...

Any help would be greatly appreciated!
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Welcome.
I suffer from PMO addiction for a long time. I wasn?t able to break completely free even after years of trying while others succeeded. But don?t panic and don?t become the nagging and demanding policewoman of his private life.
Whenever I feel scared, sad, depressed, and alone... that?s when I usually relapse. If my wife does not show any interest in being sexual with me, my addiction voice inside my head keeps telling me ?just rub one out quick... you will be back on track before she?s interested in sex? and that is of course a lie.
So try to motivate him and cheer him up rather than put him down. Keep showing sexual interest in him without using sexuality too much as a bargaining chip. He has to want the change himself. And this is truly a crippling addiction so if he fails couple times, that doesn?t mean he is not trying. I don?t have a bigger goal in my life than getting rid of this curse. Yet, I relapsed today while staying home alone.
If I knew a simple solution I would share it with you and most importantly use it on myself.
Stay strong.
 
Top