DE 150 Days in?

My SO started this reboot in July(150ish days) and in the last 2 weeks has had trouble with ED/DE. Is this normal? He says he's been clean and is trying to avoid anything triggering. He says he still feels better in some ways. I don't want to doubt his word or feel suspicious for no reason
 
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Numez

Guest
what about first 2 weeks? did he started reboot with PIED? if he developed PIED then its possible to have it for another 150 days but if he had no PIED issues before starting a reboot and now they are starting to appear, then that would be a bad sign especially after 150 days of not using porn at all.
 
The reboot started when we noticed pied symptoms and they've been fading more as time goes on. It can be very up and down though and they can reappear out of the blue. After the initial ones faded he had a libido surge and very little problems for 2 months  and then it plummeted and he started to have issues again. Also, this is not a "Hard mode" reboot. Mostly we can work around them but not if the ED or DE is too bad. Some things he doesn't have trouble with anymore but other symptoms are more stubborn. Both ED & DE had mostly gone away so it was not a good surprise to see those issues return. I keep getting my hopes up when things are going well that he's recovered from the worst of it and then he starts having problems again. This is all so frustrating.
 
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Numez

Guest
if he is MOing, even rarely, he needs to end it completely. too much Oing even during sex can set him back too, so limit Oing when you have sex to maybe once per week. if he is not PMOing, MOing or too frequently Oing, then i dont know. i do know though that DE is a step forward from ED. if he had ED and now switches back and forth between ED and DE, leaning more and more towards DE, that is progress.

reboot is an up and down process so its possible that he is on the down swing but MOing and PMOing is always possible too. its just the last 2 weeks though so i wouldnt bet on relapse yet. it could very well be just a down swing. swings are very real during reboot. i see how difficult it is for you to gauge this situation. i hope some partners, who been through this with their partners, jumps in the conversation. i think since you are having sex, he is just maybe Oing too much.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Every man's recovery is different. Some recover fast while others take years, there are so many variables. The trust and believing him is the hard part of the process for partners. You just never know once you have been lied to or deceived for an extended period of time. Set boundaries and communicate. Tell him you are having a hard time trusting his word. Do you have an agreement of being able to check his phone or computer? If so then do it, even if its just for your peace of mind. Let him know how you are feeling and talk about it. Tell him you are struggling with this and talk together about how to consciously rebuild the trust in the relationship. My husband has been porn free for about 2 1/2 years and even now if he is under stress he can still experience issues (although they are very few and far between now, hallelujah!) Also you should know that when you have sex during a reboot it can make it more difficult. The chaser effect is real! Either way, talk to each other, often! That is imperative to any relationship porn addiction or not.
 
(Sorry if this posts as a partial post, for some reason when I try to post 3/4 of it gets deleted? )
Thank you for your responses ?? It is nice to have someone, anyone to talk to about this all.
Yes, trusting is definitely the tricky part. SO never volunteered info about anything, I had to figure it out myself when I noticed the ED/DE. When I realized, 1 month into reboot, that he still had porn type social media groups he was following (had to push the 'leave group' button myself) that put a dent in my trust as well. Would he still have those groups on if I hadn't noticed?
I can understand the suggestion to have him show me his phone and I agree that could be helpful, but I just really don't want to be his babysitter. He's a grown man and if he can't be accountable to himself (especially now that he knows the consequences) then I don't see how he could be to me. Plus, it really messes with our chemistry when I feel like I have to keep tabs on him, like I'm his mom. I have kids already, don't need another, just need him to be an adult. Now if he was to offer that info to me on his own, as a gesture of trust, that would be different. Communication is something that we are working on. My SO is a quiet person not really a talker...but he's getting better.
  As far as his pied issues reappearing, I think you are right about O's/sex although we've been trying to keep it to 1 every 10 days(usually turns into 2 or 3 over 2 days then another 10 day break). I think he really could use hard mode so I will back off for awhile. I've had some strange experiences when fooling around with him lately, where he will start acting really 'doped up', that's the only way I can think to describe it, like he's drugged up. 80% of his interactions stop and he will just lay there like he's in a trance while at that point I'm doing most of the work and feeling very weird about the whole thing. It's like he's asleep but he's not. I could understand if I was going down on him why he'd be just laying there enjoying himself but we've been right in the middle of making out and then it's like a 'switch' gets flipped I guess and he goes into 'receiving' mode instead of us having a mutual interaction. This experience is completely new to me and I don't know what to make of it. I know that the pied symptoms are worse when he's like this. Nothing happening downstairs even though there really, really should be.
Does this mean he's still hyper-sensitive to dopamine and still getting 'high' off it? Can those dopamine receptors still 'reset' without doing hardmode?
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Yes they can reset without hard mode but I think it is much more difficult. The chaser effect is real. My husband and I would have sex from time to time and that was when his triggers and urges to watch porn spiked big time. Also you should know that this is an addiction, some have only been addicted for a short time while others it has been decades. The time it takes varies as well. I didn't start seeing real good progress with my husband till it had been a year at least. That is why I go back to talking with him. Does he communicate about his reboot? Does he have a plan? An accountability partner (should not be you because I completely agree you don't want to be his mom).

My husband and I finally started setting boundaries and goals for each other. One of the agreements was that our phones are open. At anytime I can look at his phone if I am needing the reassurance because I am am working on trusting. I don't have to ask,  it is completely open. In the same respect he can look at my phone as well. I am not hiding anything from him just as I ask him to not hide from me. At any time he can look at my phone. We don't question each other about it unless there is something we want to discuss. We leave our phones on the counter or out in the open when at home, not in our pockets.

We also made an agreement that we would have at least one other same person or place where we cold get support. The person was someone we both agreed to. I knew who he was talking to and I knew that person was someone who cared about both of us and wasn't just a jerk. I had a friend I talked to, he agreed to that person before had as well. In our case it totally blew up because the friend I talked to got really weird. Neither of us expected that, lol. Apparently he husband is a porn addict too and not interested in dealing with it. Super awkward, lol.

Lastly we both made a commitment to talk to each other. We had a weekly check in time set. Each week on Sunday evening we would check in before bed. Let each other know where we were at with things and what's going on. We continue this still and it has been over two years. We talk about what we can do to support each other and what we are doing well at or struggling with. It is actually very connecting. In the beginning it was not as fun and sometimes the conversation was stiff but having a set time made sure we would actually do it and not just procrastinate and avoid.

I mention these things as examples. I would encourage you to talk with him and set some boundaries and goals together. They don't have to be complex or anything and you don't have to be his mom. What you should do is figure out what you need to feel safe and secure and loved in this relationship. If being able to check his phone is the reassurance you need while trust is being rebuild than talk about what that looks like. Also what does he need? I honestly only check his phone a handful of times because just knowing I had his permission was enough. Seeing him be committed to leaving it out so I could was enough for me to know he is being open and supportive. I hope this is helpful. If I am way off base you can completely disregard this, lol! I with you the best in your relationship.
 
Thank you again, your suggestions are very helpful ??
Well, as of yesterday SO's phone is kaput. He got mad(telemarketers) and smacked it silly. I had to stop myself from shouting for joy
 
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