Farewell to the dark passenger

N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
Hi Guys,

I'm almost 8 days in now. The past few days haven't been particular hard, but right now my balls are starting to feel heavy  :(
Tried to clean my computer of my porn collection but somehow I can't get myself to do it...Which is pretty stupid of course.

I like to call it my dark passenger, like Dexter's urge to kill, my urge can be suppressed several days but after that it wants to come out.
It needs to go now. It has ruled my live long enough.

Cheers,

NMP






 
B

BlueSun

Guest
Read ybop.  Read the stories and struggles of our brothers here.

For many, like myself, its all or nothing.

Select all.  Delete. Empty trash. Begin new life.

You deserve a chance.
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
You have to delete. All of it. As long as you have some porn stashed somewhere to fall back on, your brain will never give in and repair itself. Sack up and do it, man. Only then will the grip start to release.

Press Delete ALL.
 
hans32

hans32

Member
Delete All- a rite of passage Ive done again and again. Now I have success no matter how long it takes just wash rinse repeat and keep trying!
 
Jailbird

Jailbird

Member
Yes, good idea to delete, if only for completness of your proclaimed quest. A bit like throwing out the ashtrays when you quit the smokes.

However, like the smokes, porn is everywhere. You can always use a sea shell or a small plate for ashtrays and you can always run out to the nearest store to buy a new pack. You can delete your porn favourites, but you will always remember your old.porn sites, you will.probably have a user ID set up for that site too. I have an account at a certain sites and I have dozens of vids saved ...no matter if I delete what's on my machine, I can always go back online. I feel the same way with filters ....you just have to decide that enough is enough and stick to it. Meditation could help if you are interested.

Massive congrats to you for making it this far and keep going. I am nearly on 40 days free now and I'm happier in all aspects of my life.
 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
So I did it. I deleted my porn collection.Still got a glimpse of it through the thumbnails and that has triggered me a bit. Trying to push back the thoughts now :-(
Still I'm going for ten days now and I certainly don't want to give up now. Thanks for the support guys.

The comparison with smokes doesn't apply to me unfortunately. Giving up smoking has been so much more easy compared to this. But I will stay strong. The time has come to grasp a new life.

Good luck to all of you guys too and stay strong!
 
B

BlueSun

Guest
Just don't turn back. To quote lyon03 "porn is not an option"

What you did was tough. A great stride.
 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
It's 4 am here right now and i'm just home after a nice night out. I just saw to many hot women tonight
Normally I would probably have my dick in my hand by now and i'm surely tempted. so I decided to come here and post a little message instead...

Probably best to go to bed now before the urges take control...alcohol is not very helpful when trying to quit... :-(
But...12 days...20% of my initial goal. I'm not going to quit now...



 
TK-421

TK-421

Active Member
NoMorePr0n said:
It's 4 am here right now and i'm just home after a nice night out. I just saw to many hot women tonight
Normally I would probably have my dick in my hand by now and i'm surely tempted. so I decided to come here and post a little message instead...

Probably best to go to bed now before the urges take control...alcohol is not very helpful when trying to quit... :-(
But...12 days...20% of my initial goal. I'm not going to quit now...
Click to expand...

Coming on here was a good plan. We really need to be aware of the "porn substitutes" that are often the start of the quick slide back in for a lot of guys.  Sexy pics on Facebook, hot girls you see at the bar and you fixate on them for too long. Stay strong!

Come back here often and post updates. I'd suggest posting a bit of your background so we get a sense of who you are, where you're coming from and where you're at.
 
B

Branch

Guest
NoMorePr0n said:
So I did it. I deleted my porn collection.Still got a glimpse of it through the thumbnails and that has triggered me a bit. Trying to push back the thoughts now :-(
Still I'm going for ten days now and I certainly don't want to give up now. Thanks for the support guys.
Click to expand...
Bravo!  That's big step.

NoMorePr0n said:
The comparison with smokes doesn't apply to me unfortunately. Giving up smoking has been so much more easy compared to this. But I will stay strong. The time has come to grasp a new life.
Click to expand...
I agree--as hard as it was, giving up smoking was a lot easier.  Still, knowing I kicked that addiction gives me confidence I can kick this one, too.

By the way, great title for your journal!

Good streak--keep it going!

Branch
 
A

aslowturning

Member
I missed how long you have been struggling with the dark messenger NMP, but there really is no half measure with this.


I say this as one who has fooled himself for 30 years that it can't be any other way!

Best to you Brother!

AST
 
Tom_Michaels

Tom_Michaels

Member
Well done NMP,


Well done on deleting your porn. As you wrote, that in itself is dangerous as you see the thumbnails and the attraction is triggered.

It was tough when I was deleting electronic porn and throwing out or destroying printed porn. I didn't want to do it. Wanted to keep it 'just in case'.

And you wrote about how alcohol can make resisitance more difficult. That is so true.

But if we can both resist P at that weak moment, we will be able to stay strong.

TM

 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
Some of you guys asked me to post some background.  Well, here it is.

I'm a dutch guy the first time I remember seeing naked women is in some magazine that my friend had hidden away in the attic in his parents house. I, like many of you, remember to be immediately captivated by it. I must have been about 12 or 13 years old.
Soon after that we tried to get some porn from the video store but most of the time the clerk would not let us rent the x-rated stuff, so mostly we had to stick with the magazines.
I bought playboy like magazines and jerked of to those. I also remember a  late night show in which beautiful girls would show their boobs that I used to watch secretly.

When I finally turned 18 I was able to finally rent  porn at the video store and , while I was still living with my parents at the time, used to sneak them in and started watching them when I knew my parents where sleeping. I probably did this like every weekend or so. The rest of the week I got of on fantasizing about these videos.

I was a very shy boy and girls were not interested in me at all. Also I didn't dare to try to seduce girls at all. My self esteem was very low because kids used to bully me at school :-(
This let to my first real sexual experience was with a prostitute which is legal in the netherlands by the way.  The was when I was 21 years old I think.

The last Twenty years i've been jerking off a lot. First to VHS tapes I would buy or record from canal + which had hardcore porn. Then the internet came and especially the last 10 years of so I went crazy on all the porn that high speed internet provided me so easily. I never got into really weird stuff however, mostly one-on-one straight sex and some gang bang and orgy videos but only straight sex.

My self esteem is quite a bit higher now then it used to be during adolescence and although I have been with some woman, until now I never had a steady relationship.

I want to finally find the woman that I will love for the rest of my live but to do that I need to free myself from my chains first.

It's Actually a bit hard to put this all down because english is not my native language. Anyway...this is what I came from and I know I deserve to be in a meaningful relationship.

Thanks for your support guys!

NMP
 
B

Branch

Guest
NoMorePr0n said:
Some of you guys asked me to post some background.  Well, here it is.

I'm a dutch guy the first time I remember seeing naked women is in some magazine that my friend had hidden away in the attic in his parents house. I, like many of you, remember to be immediately captivated by it. I must have been about 12 or 13 years old.
Soon after that we tried to get some porn from the video store but most of the time the clerk would not let us rent the x-rated stuff, so mostly we had to stick with the magazines.
I bought playboy like magazines and jerked of to those. I also remember a  late night show in which beautiful girls would show their boobs that I used to watch secretly.

When I finally turned 18 I was able to finally rent  porn at the video store and , while I was still living with my parents at the time, used to sneak them in and started watching them when I knew my parents where sleeping. I probably did this like every weekend or so. The rest of the week I got of on fantasizing about these videos.

I was a very shy boy and girls were not interested in me at all. Also I didn't dare to try to seduce girls at all. My self esteem was very low because kids used to bully me at school :-(
This let to my first real sexual experience was with a prostitute which is legal in the netherlands by the way.  The was when I was 21 years old I think.

The last Twenty years i've been jerking off a lot. First to VHS tapes I would buy or record from canal + which had hardcore porn. Then the internet came and especially the last 10 years of so I went crazy on all the porn that high speed internet provided me so easily. I never got into really weird stuff however, mostly one-on-one straight sex and some gang bang and orgy videos but only straight sex.

My self esteem is quite a bit higher now then it used to be during adolescence and although I have been with some woman, until now I never had a steady relationship.

I want to finally find the woman that I will love for the rest of my live but to do that I need to free myself from my chains first.

It's Actually a bit hard to put this all down because english is not my native language. Anyway...this is what I came from and I know I deserve to be in a meaningful relationship.

Thanks for your support guys!

NMP
Click to expand...

Nicely written--no problem there!  Interesting story.  Love is a great motivator.  I hope your progress continues!
 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
Yes, love is a great motivator. I have stayed clean for longer periods of time in the past mostly because I was with a woman at the time. It's much harder being alone, like I am now.
 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
Another day gone without P and/or MO! :)
Getting stronger by the day. In my former attempts I never came on a forum like this because i believed I could do it by myself. Now reading and posting stuff here keeps me focused.

Probably there will be many withdrawals to conquer but i feel more then ever that I will be able to!
 
B

Branch

Guest
I'm in a similar spot--divorced, no girlfriend at the moment.  Sometimes I think not having to face the complications of a relationship makes this a little easier.  Sometimes I want nothing more than to love someone and hold her close.

Lost in porn I'd abandoned the thought of ever finding love again.  In fact I used not finding love that lasts as an excuse to indulge.  Now I'm starting to think love is possible, but I know I have to do this reboot and regain control of my life first.

It's great to see your confidence building.  Closing in on 20 days--good job--keep it going! 
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
Even when we're think we're being black and white about PMO, we're still in a grey area. 

Example:  We truly believe we've deleted all our porn stashes, but find out 3 months, 6 months, or even a year into it, that we still hadn't located everything.  It wasn't until I was three months clean that I realized I still had a stash left on my iPad.  It's a gradual process, no matter what.

You're doing a great job.
 
N

NoMorePr0n

Guest
This weekend was a hard one for me. Withdrawals are haunting me and my mind is trying to get me back to porn. It's really weird how deceiving you're mind can be. And one point I was actually thinking about watching porn at home as if I totally had forgotten that i'm quiting porn. Luckely I came to my senses in time but I felt very sad and empty after that.

I think some of the urges where triggered by a family day at work. Some of my co-workers brought their teenage daughters and I had a hard time not to stare at them for to long. I'm really objectifying women in my mind and I hate it.

I'm approaching 20 days but the hard part seems to have started now.

Well, another workweek so at least i can escape boredom. Weekends are always  the hardest days.

Thanks for the support guys.
 
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