Author Topic: Breaking out of my porn prison - 29yo  (Read 249 times)

Wolf_Reborn

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Breaking out of my porn prison - 29yo
« on: January 12, 2018, 07:11:57 PM »
Whats up!

It's difficult to pin point when I became addicted to porn, but the reality is that I am. My sex drive has always been through the roof since I can remember. In fact, I do remember having sexual fantasies about my teacher's teenage assistant during nap time in preschool lol. It's no surprise how I took massive advantage of finding my dad's secret VHS porn stash by the age of 8 or 9. Any chance I could be alone I would watch them, especially right after school before anyone returned home. This continued until I was 12 when we upgraded to illegal cable with a new box. All premium channels for free and three porn channels from 9pm to 6am. As you would assume, I watched as much as I could digest while fapping to exhaustion. Enter dial up and kazaa/lime wire. I was 15 and letting porn videos download for days, not even letting the turtle speeds slow down my unaware addiction. High speed internet wasnt in my house until I was 18. I know from there my addiction skyrocketed because of new developed "tastes" to things I wouldnt do in real life and would turn me off if I saw it in person. Ever since then i've binged on porn for hours at least once a week, or at worst every 2 days. Unknowingly damaging my brain in scary ways.

I experienced PIED since my first attempt to lose my virginity at the age of 15. Although it was very embarrassing and emasculating, she was VERY understanding and at the time I dismissed it as nervousness and/or performance anxiety. Luckily, my 2nd attempt I successfully reached an erection and had sex for over 30 mins and stopped at her request. We both lost are v-cards that night. Also I did not reach orgasm from intercourse that night, I interpreted that as strong stamina and felt like a sex god lol. The 3rd time I did orgasm, took awhile but it was passionate and intense. Throughout my 9-year relationship with this girl, I was PMO'ing and having "satisfying" sex. Although I did notice my erections and stamina were weaker if I fapped the same or previous day leading up to sex with her. I was getting by... whenever I cheated on her(I know *face palm*) with a new girl, it would take a few separate attempts to get an erection and successfully penetrate. Every time amplifying my feelings of unworthiness, pity, embarrassment, and the opposite of a man. But i associated this as a comfort-ability issue with a new girl or even performance anxiety at worst. This problem continued through and after that relationship, 4 more serious relationships, and embarrassingly missed opportunities with a few girls without another chance to redeem myself. This was crippling my confidence and masculinity dramatically.

Besides the sexual disadvantages this was having in my life, it was causing more problems. I wasted countless time indulging in porn and procrastinating on priorities I shouldve been accomplishing. Using it as an escape from reality and maintaining it as a secret from everyone. After every PMO session I would feel dirty, shameful, guilty, and disappointed I had this second life that I would NEVER confess to anyone in fear of judgement. Wasting mental energy on what people would think if they knew about my dirty porn secrets. I began identifying with the developed porn cravings and found myself disgusting because of it. I now know this had negative effects on my mood, motivation, ambition, relationships, confidence, focus, discipline, and emotions. Causing me to be impulsive, sentimental, dramatic, impatient, lazy, indulging, and to objectify women.

I dont want to sit here and blame porn for everything because in the end, I am responsible for myself and so are you. Its a huge contributor to making my life miserable but I still chose to watch it. I remember stumbling onto YBOP a couple years ago and thinking, "Ok porn can be bad when misused, but im not addicted!" and just take breaks here and there. I completed a nofap 60-day challenge in 2016 and felt proud of it. Immediately rewarding myself with porn binges right after. SMH... I felt slight benefits like an increased erection size, sensitivity during sex, and mojo but it wasnt enough for me to stop. The last few months of my most recent relationship I noticed weaker erections, stamina, mojo, and satisfaction for her and I. Unsatisfying sex wasnt the reason we broke up but it didnt help at all.

I consider myself in a mild depression(breakup/failed business/broke/lost apartment/living in parents basement) currently and has caused me to re-evaluate my life's purpose, values, desires, and direction. I've identified whats important to me and realized which habits are helping me grow and which ones are killing me. Because if youre not growing, you are dying! Right after my recent breakup in November, I binged on porn and felt the WORST I had ever felt... Sitting there crying, lonely, depressed, disgusted, and unworthy of life. I had hit ROCK BOTTOM. Suicidal thoughts were there but fortunately I was aware enough to know "this too shall pass." Recognizing porn as a bad habit, the following day I began my NoFap journey. Easy mode. I've relapsed in the past with hard mode and decided to tweak it this time. I have noticed I have no porn cravings after MO. Strangely, already on a 34 day streak, I stumbled onto a NoFap youtube video by Gabe Deem and it gave me determination to remove porn not only for 90-days(original goal) but for good. To live a porn-free lifestyle from now on. To continue unlocking my full potential as a man, and more importantly, as a human being.

This a lot more than I thought I would of shared but hopefully this inspires encouragement and strength to someone else starting or continuing their NoFap journey. You are not alone! Break the porn chains off already!

Also I will be using this as a journal and updating it with progress.

Noticible changes so far:
*Deeper voice (I thought this was a lie)
*Women attraction(placebo effect?) will continue evaluating this
*Stronger erection (Feels like I'm poking the ceiling)
*Increased penis and testicle size  :o
*Increased stamina during sex (Few minutes to at least 20 and more enjoyable)
*Increased mojo(staying erect after 1st orgasm during sex) hasnt happened since I was teenager
Porn cravings 5/10

Day 49- I felt the strongest cravings ever that night! I was so horny I couldnt sleep for hours. Did MO as a last resort otherwise this would've been the night of relapse. No cravings after and slept within 30 mins.

Wolf_Reborn

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Re: Breaking out of my porn prison - 29yo
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2018, 05:04:02 PM »
Day 66 - Beat my record by 6 days so far but cravings were incited by some non-nude pics on IG. Regretfully indulged in some more pics for 15 mins allowing my porn cravings to rise rapidly. I even did a google search for my porn preference. While viewing the links to my search, luckily, I recognized I couldnt let this overtake me. Immediately I closed the browser and MO to sensation. Cravings gone! Do what you need to do to prevent relapse! Keep your commitment strong!

Wolf_Reborn

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Re: Breaking out of my porn prison - 29yo
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 05:44:51 PM »
Day 90 - I relapsed........... I dont feel as guilty as I thought I would, although, I am very disappointed I ended my streak. I just finished writing up a self report about what were the causes of last nights relapse and what I shouldve done instead. Im a still a porn addict and will continue healing myself. I stopped actively avoiding triggers (IG pics and social media pics) and thought I was strong enough to not PMO. Nonetheless, I recognize where I failed and will continue to start a new goal of 180 days. I will not stop when I get there but I like to have a goal.

djh590

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Re: Breaking out of my porn prison - 29yo
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2018, 07:58:49 PM »
As a new member and rebooter it is so refreshing to hear your testimony man.  For years I had ignored the signs of my problem attributing it to anxiety, stress, or what have you.  Once I finally realized I had a problem i thought I was all alone, I didn't know who to turn too.  Discovering that I am not alone and there others out there with similar issues willing to share their journeys gives me hope for my own recovery someday. 
Stay strong brother