I'm seriously, seriously suicidal

Please somebody tell me what I can do/ receive help in the United kingdom/ manchester
Age 22
11 Years of P abuse.
Escalated to TS porn at 16
Lost my virginity in April 2017 to a escort. Visited 5 escorts in less than a month since December 15th 2017, i visited 3 female escorts in december and the recently 2 trans escorts in less than 24 hours in January 2018. I don't know what has come over me. The Shame and disgust in my self what that I had sex with 2 female looking pre op trans. I can't cope. This fetish has got out of hand, it's been out of hand for years but this is overkill. I'm not gay or bisexual,  No female is gonna want me. NEVER.
I don't know how I'm gonna get through this, I seriously considering putting the lights out, This is just too much to handle.  I can't bloody go sleep either.

First, please please please go see a professional therapist. It's not shameful, it's a resource you should be utilizing to better yourself.

Growing up I was very dark and depressed. My first time seeing porn was probably around 9 or 10 years old and I started watching it daily once I hit puberty. High school was terrible. I had low self-esteem, I was the most awkward person I knew, and I could barely have a conversation with girls in my class much less ask them on a date. Even on the rare occasion a girl would show interest in me I was completely incapable of engaging with them. My first year of college I had a lot of really shitty things go down with friends and roommates, but I finally lost my virginity to this girl I knew from high school. It wasn't great. I had ED and it was really difficult to orgasm and sometimes I couldn't. It wasn't pleasurable it was mostly just uncomfortable and embarrassing. I know she didn't particularly enjoy it either, she ended up just not having sex with me for about a month and then she broke up with me. I won't get too much into the details but essentially I had an emotional break down in front of her and she basically didn't respond so I asked her if she was cheating on me. She said no but that she thought she was a lesbian. I knew this wasn't true because she was openly bi-sexual (she has a kid now btw).

This set me off. I broke down completely. That night I cried hysterically in the shower and held a shotgun to my head until I passed out. The next morning I drove to a field where I was planning on offing myself. I couldn't do it. I drove home and called my now ex. I don't remember the conversation exactly but she ended up hanging up on me and calling her therapist who told her to call the police. I freaked out and ran into the woods with my shotgun and hell followed. My backyard was wooded and if you went far enough it came to the back of the high school. Thus, the police locked down the high-school, flooded my neighborhood with close to 100 cop cars (not an exaggeration) and had a helicopter flying around overhead. Ultimately the "negotiations" were to stall me until SWAT could be deployed. Basically the police gave me the option of killing myself, them killing me, or me giving up. I'm not a fan of cops. Anyways, after hours of being outside in the humid hot air without food or water and being under intense emotional distress I was beyond exhausted. They had SWAT come out and I finally gave up.

The next week and a half I spent in a mental hospital. There were so many disturbed people there it was difficult to process. One guy still had the scabs around his neck from where he tried to hang himself for the second time. Another guy had such intense fits that they had to have 3-4 workers hold him down while they injected him with a tranquilizer. It was not a fun place. But it was eye opening. I realized that at that point I had hit rock bottom. I was at my lowest point and I only had two options: I could stay at the bottom and remain in this intense self hatred and misery or I could start the difficult climb back out. You can guess which I chose. When you're that low there's nowhere to go but up.

You are at a low point and you must make a decision. Stay or climb; stagnate or grow. The latter is going to be the most challenging thing you will ever do in your life, it will be painful, it will feel like a waste of time and energy at times (especially in the beginning). But will you ever be happy, or feel fulfilled or satisfied where you are at right now? What are you willing to do, how much are you willing to sacrifice for the opportunity to change that?

If you decide to climb, which I hope you do, let me ask how shame and self-loathing are benefiting you in your ascent? Yeah you've done some fucked up things so you're just going to cry about it? Or are you going to man up and make some powerful changes in your life? One thing I've learned in life is that people can give you advice, they can give you resources and support but they cannot give you the answer. Only you can find the answer to how to pull yourself out of this hole, but you won't find it wallowing in self-pity.

Shackled said:

Please somebody tell me what I can do/ receive help in the United kingdom/ manchester
Age 22
11 Years of P abuse.
Escalated to TS porn at 16
Lost my virginity in April 2017 to a escort. Visited 5 escorts in less than a month since December 15th 2017, i visited 3 female escorts in december and the recently 2 trans escorts in less than 24 hours in January 2018. I don't know what has come over me. The Shame and disgust in my self what that I had sex with 2 female looking pre op trans. I can't cope. This fetish has got out of hand, it's been out of hand for years but this is overkill. I'm not gay or bisexual,  No female is gonna want me. NEVER.
I don't know how I'm gonna get through this, I seriously considering putting the lights out, This is just too much to handle.  I can't bloody go sleep either.

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Man, I am so, so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  I wish I could come pick you up, take you out to lunch, and have a nice chat about all this.

I feel that 99% of this battle is admitting you have a problem and reaching out for help.

You've done that.  Congratulations!  That is an amazing accomplishment and I commend you for that!

I see a professional counselor, and it is very, very helpful.  I would suggest you look into this.  I hope you can find someone to talk to on a regular basis, and I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

This is odd to hear, but this is not your fault.  Addictions suck, and they make us do things that we would never ever do in a normal situation.  You sound like you are addicted, and you're acting out in a dysfunctional way.

Porn will do that.

Porn sucks.

I'm certainly no expert, but a couple suggestions:


The thing that has helped me the most is to learn all I can about porn addiction, PMO, rebooting, re-wiring, etc.

Check out yourbrainonporn.com and rebootnation.org for some fantastic information. Watch all the videos and read the inspiring success stories.

I would suggest to decide on a goal. Then set some strict rules that you think will get you there.

For me, the goal is to be cured of porn-induced sexual problems. (ED, DE)

My rules are simple:

I will not look at porn for the rest of my life. Period.
I will not masturbate, as I want to be cured. Period.
I will not O until I am able to O inside my wife. Period.

If I were to do any of those three, even for one second, I would reset my counter and start over at zero. (But that's not going to happen.)


So educate yourself, set a goal, set rules, stay strong, NO PMO, follow your rules and DO NOT RELAPSE.

Also, find other things to do: Meditate, Exercise, Go for walks in nature.

Anything to keep your eyes off the pixels and your hands off your junk.

Best of luck to you!!  I sincerely wish you all the best.  I hope to see more posts from you in the future detailing your recovery, your progress, and your cure.

God Bless.

Shackled said:

No female is gonna want me. NEVER.

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As a female, I can assure you that that is not true. Addictions carry a lot of absolute thinking and that above that you wrote is an example of one of them. They also carry a lot of shame and I get that, but you aren't damaged goods that nobody would ever love.

Check out Paula Hall, she's a sex addiction specialist and is UK based, I know she has an online thing you can join, possibly there are in person groups as well. I've read her partner book and hubby has her addiction book. She's one of the world leaders when it comes to sex addiction. She also has some videos on youtube (if you aren't avoiding youtube)

I would also suggest seeing someone about the suicidal thoughts, and your gp can be a good place to start. It's ok, it really is, you aren't the first person to have those thoughts and you won't be the last, nobody is going to judge, they'll just want to help.

I can relate to you man

I'm 26, also in the UK, down in Portsmouth, I've never had a girlfriend, I had offers but I never took them, because of the no gfs I've watched Porn a lot from the age of 14. Like you I started to watch Shemale porn, and ended up paying for sex with a Ladyboy prostitute in Bangkok, Thailand.

I've also been with over 30 female prostitutes, some here in the UK, some in Amsterdam, Germany and Thailand. I just view women as sex objects because of Porn use.

I also use a gay hook up app and sometimes will have sex with men, when I watch Porn I get this massive urge to become that porn slut, then after I have had sex with a guy I feel shame and regret.

Good luck to you man, hope you find a way to beat the Porn addiction.

Sorry to hear your troubles Shackled.
Look, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My story is similar to yours. I got hooked on porn then cyber sex then massage parlours then escorts, I have been with over 20 escorts over the last year and blown way too much money on this. I emptied my bank account on Christmas day this year for cyber sex. I got into verbal humiliation, watersports, spitting...all this nasty stuff. And it is ok....but at the end of the day it does not do me much good as there is no love or anything real in these acts and I am taking big risks for that grey grey hit. I have never even had a girlfriend...all I know is porn, drunken flings, and paid sex.
I had a huge relapse over the last few days and I have thought about suicide too. I get it. Right now life feels like shit. Maybe you want to piss all over life and scream in its face 'FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKIN CUNT! WHY ME WHY FUCKING ME !'But it can get better! OH MY WORD IT CAN GET BETTER! THE ONLY WAY IS UP!
And I know you may want to sink deeper and deeper away from life just like me....but at the end of the day what does that really achieve? That is not peace or love it is just an escape into something dark and miserable...and I know that has certain appeal to it....but so does peace and love....right? Or whatever you really believe is GOOD and LIGHT.
Go on a jog, meditate, visit the yourbrainonporn website and the Paula Hall Sex Addiction Forum....these websites can provide you with support. I feel your pain and you are NOT ALONE. You can get through this....it won't be easy peasy lemon fuckin squeezy but so what? What is worthwhile and is easy? The best things are surely HARD EARNED?
You've been battered like so many but please please please have hope.
Call Samaritans or see a therapist.....these people are trained to support people who are struggling.
Can't seem to message you but feel free to message me.

PEACE AND LOVE
LEM