Author Topic: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals  (Read 1935 times)

andante

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    Rebooting one step at a time, the whole way!
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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #50 on: November 06, 2017, 05:37:29 AM »
Looks like it's going well for you, it's inspiring. Hope you had a nice weekend :)
Cheers!



sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #51 on: November 06, 2017, 07:27:08 AM »
Day 54 | November 6, 2017

Morning fellas - successful weekend, but definitely dealt with some urges. Woke up Saturday morning and part of Sunday morning very horny (girlfriend wasn't around) and my mind bounced into some fantasy in the AM. Did my best to try and relax out of it and move on with the day, but definitely more difficult than usual. However, I definitely call it a "win" and didn't come close to anything like a relapse. Girlfriend and I have been trying a more karezza type of sex which includes holding off on orgasm, at least for me, she is still orgasming. It's felt AMAZING and given me a lot of energy and strong feelings towards her, but has kept me pretty heated which is why I think my brain tested with a fantasy push.

Overall, feeling good, up early this morning for a weight workout, cheers fellas!

Hope you had a nice weekend :)
Cheers!

Thanks Vince!

Update

Had some very strong urges to check out some P and brain went crazy trying to justify it. Really caught me off guard and think I've gained control over it...not cool lol This was as close as I've come to relapsing in my full 54 days of this process.

Update Part II

Was home alone and did a little perusing on craigslist...it started in the jobs section, but looked at a few personal ads as well...No M or O or anything...not really P either...I stopped myself...not sure why I did that, it was a strong urge and a very tricky mind fuck on my brains part. I reeled it back in and am going to move past this - not resetting the counter, but will be INCREDIBLY aware of these fucking mind tricks. Day 54, stumbling block, but not fallen.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2017, 10:26:53 PM by sempervirilis »

Jack Can

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #52 on: November 07, 2017, 12:13:23 AM »
I totally understand the craigslist thing. A couple weeks ago while being bored on the internet, without thinking I typed "po" into the address bar. I took a second look at it and thought "what the fuck am I doing?" luckily I had deleted my browsing history a long time ago or I might've seen the auto-fill show "pornhub.com".

I could have unconscionably ruined my streak and all that I've worked for. It's scary how you can just unwittingly go into autopilot mode like that.

Since you've made it to day 54 already I can't really give you any advice because I bet you've already got it all figured out, but be careful!

andante

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #53 on: November 07, 2017, 03:39:24 AM »
Totally understand this. "Autopilot" is the right word, and it's veryyyy scary. That's when I realize that meditation does help a lot (not to meditate when it happens, but to have trained your brain beforehand to control your thoughts and thus making you stronger when facing autopilot risks!).



sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #54 on: November 07, 2017, 09:02:40 AM »
Awesome - thanks for the words of encouragement fellas. It's a really fucking strong feeling and "autopilot" surely is the right word for it. Afterwards, I had this dreadful feeling of, "Oh, man, this is already a relapse, I might as well just go all in" but stopped myself and checked my brains' nonsense, basically trying to trick me into having an actual relapse..lol Didn't do it, but that was the closest I've been. I felt off that evening, and my mind must have been up to some tricks. In any case, back on here for:

Day 55 | November 7, 2017

Another fucking day closer, and back to a clear mind. In general, libido has been up big time recently, strong MW every morning for the past week and a half. Attention and focus on girlfriend has been much better, although she hasn't been as in the mood lately, which has been...frustrating...she's been working through some things lately and I'm trying to be as understanding as possible. Anyways, I'm a fucking better man in nearly every possible way today than when I was at Day 1, and proud of the progress I've made.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #55 on: November 08, 2017, 09:13:57 AM »
Day 56 | November 8, 2017

180 from yesterday, feeling AMAZING. Girlfriend woke me up this morning in a particularly satisfying, beautiful way ;) we have been trying out karezza where we have more sustained sex without orgasm and it really has been enlightening. I feel totally energized this morning, revving (since I didn't release that energy in the AM) and totally happy and connected to her. It makes yesterdays moment of faltering feel miles away and helps reinforce how insignificant and pointless looking at P is and Ming alone...not worth it compared to a second of what I experienced this morning with a woman I love.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #56 on: November 09, 2017, 08:18:23 AM »
Day 57 | November 9, 2017

Had some fantasy happening in the early AM, one of the times I'm most vulnerable, but quickly dissipated. Overall, consistently strong MW nearly every morning. Got social with some friends last night. Generally feeling pretty good as I near the 60 day mark! Fuck. Yeah. Will be away this coming weekend, having a boys trip and super stoked about it. That means won't be writing of course since won't be around any computers, so will check in next Monday for DAY 61!

zander13

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #57 on: November 09, 2017, 10:14:49 AM »
Good job man. Great to see someone who's changed their life for the better.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #58 on: November 12, 2017, 10:13:53 PM »
Day 60 | November 12, 2017

Had to post for this milestone! Bitter sweet a bit because I did a tiny bit of checking out stuff on craigslist again....AGAIN - no masturbation, no extended checking, but I still went back haha I'm definitely not in the same place I used to be, but I want to just cut that out...I've found an out using a friends computer to check some stuff out in a private tab (secret, dopamine busting, bull shit). Girl was out of town again and need to be better about managing that time better.

Overall, still going strong. MW is awesome, libido is awesome and feeling better than ever. Can't brake that streak. 

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #59 on: November 13, 2017, 09:20:18 AM »
Day 61 | November 13, 2017

Another day of some troubles feeling urges toward using craigslist for some 'harmless' perusing...chaser effect I suppose. Held it back for the most part. Feeling good today, solid energy and mood, and need to remember that I'm where I am today because of not using porn, not giving in - I'm here where I am because of all the real good life shit I've been doing.

So on that note, back to my day, hope all is well. Been 61 days since I've M to O or M to P, but I have seen some pornographic images in those 61 days.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #60 on: November 14, 2017, 08:35:08 AM »
Day 62 | November 14, 2017

Solid energy in the morning, strong MW, feel confident generally. We'll see how the day progresses!

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #61 on: November 15, 2017, 08:56:12 AM »
Day 63 | November 15, 2017

Got in a little tiff with the gf again, and can't help, but think that those couple days of seeing P related content are what helped do it. Feeling more on track today and feeling great. This process really has been amazing to go through and look back on.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #62 on: November 16, 2017, 07:01:43 AM »
Day 64 | November 16, 2017

Morning fellas - brief check in. Mood is good, feeling stable, slept deeply last night, but woke up early. Some waking fantasy, but quickly dissipated. Cheers.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #63 on: November 26, 2017, 10:01:22 PM »
Relapse | Day 0, November 26, 2017

Well boys, it wasn't a 'full' relapse, but for anyone who had been following my journal - I had a few days where I went back to P and some M for a few days here and there, never to O and never for that long, BUT I want to hold myself accountable. I made it all the way to like 60 days clear and clean and I can do it again. I feel fine, nothing has changed, but if I'm gonna do this, I'm doing it right and my way. Back to Day 0. No more craigslist ads and BS like that.

Holidays were hard with family...really hard, and I caved under the stress of it all...again, not completely, but more than I want in my life. Secretly looking at random personal ads is a self destructive behavior, there I said it. It's not my best man, so heres to round II.

I may try a different style this time around. I'm thinking of writing just every friday, to help myself through the weekend, stay on track, but leave myself space to forget about this process and be fully present. We'll see how it goes. Will probably write each day for the first week.

Thanks for the support men.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #64 on: November 27, 2017, 07:57:20 AM »
Day 1 | November 27, 2017

Feeling good, solid energy and mood. Have noticed that after the 50-55 day mark, mood swings were dramatically less (from like every 2-3 days to every couple weeks). I'll be watching to see how looking at P and Ming before (without O) will affect this in the first few days and beyond. The behavior I'm counting as unacceptable Ming at all to P, PMO in general, looking at P without Ming. Generally, I want to keep my sexual pursuits to my girlfriend and our relationship, no side looking at P sites or bull shit like that. Setting up some goals for this Round II:

Goal 1: 10 Days
Goal 2: 30 Days
Goal 3: 45 Days
Goal 4: 60 days
Goal 5: 90 days
Goal 6: Reassess on February 25th, 2018 (90 days from today)
« Last Edit: November 27, 2017, 07:59:49 AM by sempervirilis »

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #65 on: November 28, 2017, 01:15:07 PM »
Relapse | Day 0, November 28, 2017

Had a really bad day today...again not a full relapse, but the stress from this past holiday is still weighing me down. Will be back home tomorrow out of this mess and hopefully back on track...Do not want to jerk off all the good work I've done so far. Difficult but stepped away and will check in again tomorrow.

This really sucks.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #66 on: November 30, 2017, 08:31:43 AM »
Day 2 | November 30, 2017

Back home and back in my routine - away from the craziness of my family and it feels GOOD. Also back at work and back into a better state of mind. I learned a big lesson that I need to do a better job of coping with the stress going on in my family right now and help bring some of the resilience I've developed over the past couple months into all situations in my life.


sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #67 on: December 01, 2017, 10:48:48 AM »
Day 3 | December 1, 2017

Day 3, feeling good, love making in the morning - energy stable, nice crisp fall day. Will be traveling over the weekend so will check in Monday for Day 6.

elephantricity

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #68 on: December 01, 2017, 11:41:18 AM »
Yeah I had my first relapse on Thanksgiving. Funny how family gatherings can bring out our addictions. Just have to go into those situations expecting urges and have steps in place to fight them.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #69 on: December 08, 2017, 12:49:59 PM »
Yeah I had my first relapse on Thanksgiving. Funny how family gatherings can bring out our addictions. Just have to go into those situations expecting urges and have steps in place to fight them.

you are correct my friend!

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #70 on: December 08, 2017, 12:51:03 PM »
Day 10 | December 8, 2017

Going strong, have had some mood swings and a bit of anxiety, but normal after having a relapse...trying out not spending as much time on here during the process, but will check in as needed and when milestones hit - cheers fellas.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #71 on: December 18, 2017, 09:15:52 AM »
Day 20 | December 18, 2017

Just checking in for 20 days. Cheers boys.

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #72 on: January 02, 2018, 11:19:25 AM »
Day 35 | January 2 , 2018

Happy New Year Everybody!

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #73 on: January 12, 2018, 06:03:09 AM »
Day 45 | January 12, 2018

Checkin, wet dream early this morning, libido somewhat down (counter intuitive ha). Cheers! Still having some trouble keeping away from craigslist perusing...again no masturbation to it, but have checked twice in the 45 day period. Going to try and break it up into 5 day increments, new short term goal - make it to Day 50 without and see how it feels.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 06:07:15 AM by sempervirilis »

sempervirilis

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Re: 10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals
« Reply #74 on: January 12, 2018, 04:27:04 PM »
Day 0 | January 12, 2018

Alright guys, so I haven't had any outright relapses involving M or O, but I have sought out and looked at P type material, almost exclusively on craigslist. I do my best to lock down my phone, but sometimes I have private access to a friends computer and my will power fluctuates over time and I take indulgences like this. I'm restarting my counter because I want to get more strict and accountable. I want my sex life to be in real life and for fantasy, if I have them, to be part of my mind and not something I seek on a computer. Real life, real life, real life.

Anyone have some advice on this? I'm closer than I've ever been, and want to kick this habit to the curb! Barring breaking my friends computer, not sure what I should do?