10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals

Fellas - I've struggled with porn addiction for 10+ years, and have been actively trying to quit for the past 6 years with great, but un-lasting success. I've moved from a young man that watched hours of pornography and masturbated every...single...day to a slightly older man who doesn't MO (but still Ms sometimes), living with a great girlfriend who I am fully able to have a loving, satisfying physical and emotional relationship with. Went from a guy who couldn't get hard during sex on most occasions to a guy who never even thinks about!

Great progress? Yes! Heck yeah, it's been a shit storm of a ride. I used to have a thread on here and deleted it - deleted it after I thought I was through with this issue.Turns out, with all the progress I've made there is still the need to put myself back on track as I've recently started to go back to various forms of P in recent days and need to nip it in the bud.

Who I am: I'm bi, have been since college. Have dated women and men, to a limited extent (most sexual stuff am not into with men), and am fully comfortable with this fact. Prefer women for more serious relationships and for sex, so by and large I "operate" as a "straight man", but I always refer to myself as bi. My porn habit, however, quickly moved into ever increasing variety and eventually landed on mostly gay porn which freaked me out because a lot of the stuff I liked to watch were things that I would never participate in in real life. I used to use photo blogs, videos, and craigslist - get random people to respond to fake ads I would post, respond to ads others post, all for the thrill of it all. For compulsion. For my addiction to pornographic materials.

My Process: I slowly and painfully moved off of pornography. I tried every trick in the book. I put blockers on my phone, computer, everything. Avoided unnecessary alone time with tech, exercised more, went from healthy eating, to power eating, to vegan eating. I kicked my worst habits first and slowly weaned myself off everything. The only thing, the last thing that I cling to is...craigslist.

Whenever I feel stressed or numb and need a quick fix, that's what I'll turn to. Not all the time, but more recently in the past couple weeks. Today I turned to it, feeling stressed after a fight with family members. I am here today on September 13, 2017 to finally begin again my thread, to kick this last bad habit, to finally move my life entirely forward and stand upon the strong foundation I have built for years, all the past success - to guide myself forward.

And I need all your support which is why I'd like to say hello again to all my brothers in this challenging battle we find ourselves in. Good luck boys, now let's work together as men.

Please feel free to reach out with questions on anything. I've been in this game for years, and even though I'm writing to further clean up my act, I've had a lot of success with this and have certainly faced some tough obstacles.

Day 1 | September 14, 2017

Quick update - feeling good today. Generally, in a level mood, but have that numb feeling most of us are probably familiar with. Had sex in the morning, very fun and satisfying, but crashed energy wise afterwards. Have been toying with tantra techniques (holding back orgasm to help that energy flow), but this time didn't put in the effort Surprisingly, did, even after having sex, have a slight inclination to fap a bit, just for the "fun" of it, and to check out some stuff online. Acknowledged it and held it back. Day 1...not to be confused with SQUARE 1!!! Have a good one guys.

Day 2 | September 15, 2017

Woke up with solid energy and motivation. Lazy morning, made some breakfast and then had really great sex with my girlfriend. ED not an issue at all, not even a thought, just thoughts about the pleasure it brought both of us. Felt very in tune with my body and hers - very present. More so than yesterday. No inclinations towards fapping or towards viewing any kind of pornographic materials. I may not post in here every day, but will try to initially. Hopefully for the first 10-15 days straight, but maybe through the first 30. At least until I get in a solid rhythm and groove - then maybe move to once every couple days or once every 5 days.

Cheers and power to all the guys on this thread. We're all moving in the right direction.

Day 3 | September 16th, 2017

A bit hung over this morning...I always get more a feeling to fap or look at porn whenever I'm super tired, hung over or feeling stressed. Had some feelings to this end, but nothing major and went about my day. Will add more later if needed, otherwise just having a normal day.

Day 4 | September 17, 2017

Quick check in. Traveling all day today so lots of distraction for no fap! Until tomorrow fellas. Keep up the good work. Day 5 tomorrow.

Day 5 | September 18, 2017

Slept very well last night. Had some morning wood in the morning and woke up slowly. Had some drifting thoughts about MO and some lingering fantasies that I tried my best to acknowledge, not repress, and let drift past. Got up and am trying to go about my day. Recently broke my iphone and need to get it repaired. It sounds like a minor issue, but it's stressful not having your phone and this is exactly the type of annoying issue that would trigger me wanting to turn to something soothing and distracting. Not today, working to figure out how to get it fixed and move on, keeping to my normal schedule - eating a healthy breakfast, lots of water and remembering to take things one step at a time. Just like in this endeavor. Happy to be back at Day 5, mind as clean as a whistle. I know there will be struggles ahead, but with the support of this community and my girlfriend I know I can kick this habit once and for all. A little longer post today, but I needed it

Have a good one fellas and will write tomorrow after breaking through this 5 day milestone.

Nice! I like your statement about just letting the urge to M pass. That's what I needed to do this morning.

AndrewH said:

Nice! I like your statement about just letting the urge to M pass. That's what I needed to do this morning.

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It's important to catch it sooner than later. Once the ball starts rolling, A LOT harder to stop it...Thanks for the feedback on that man! Keep going, stronger everyday (even if we don't feel like that).

Day 6 | September 19, 2017

Morning fellas. Had a slight rough patch yesterday afternoon. Was feeling really tired and jet lagged and had a few urges to view P and/or M. Let the feelings roll past, took a nap, and went about my day. The anxiety caused from that episode did make me feel doubtful about my current relationship, but upon waking this morning, back to feeling confident and excited to get back to work. Funny how quickly our mood can change For anyone who has been doing this for a decent amount of time, you've probably learned how quickly a bad mood can change to a good mood, and thankfully the good moods usually last longer.

Here at Day 6 and looking forward to Day 7,8, 9 AND new milestone, Day 10. Have a good one fellas and keep living your best life.

Day 7 | September 20, 2017

Woke up this morning with little effort and got to work early. Some morning wood in the AM and feeling generally good. Have been biking to work which adds a nice rush to the morning, a little exercise to start the day off. Will write more later today if necessary otherwise another day closer to clarity.

Afternoon Update

Still feeling solid. Sustained energy throughout the day, and some drive to socialize with co-workers. All good things! I know the struggle is probably around the corner, and I feel it's important to document when you feel good, as well as when you feel bad...for me it'll help on those bad days to read back and remember, "You can get through this and feel that way again." The bad days still bring us closer to clarity and freedom. I've found that when things are going well is actually when I'm most likely to relapse. The tough times are good, but they are more obvious, sometimes when I let me guard down that's when things get hairy. Cheers to keeping the day strong.

Day 8 | September 21, 2017

Morning fellas - Have had a couple early mornings in a row and was not super enthusiastic about having another one...Generally in a good mood all of last night and into this morning. Some morning W, but nothing too crazy. Libido has generally been slow, but I think this might also have to do with working early and staying late the past few days. Will see how I feel going into the weekend and I'm able to 'sleep in' with the lady

In summary, feeling down from Day 7 and 6, but still in a good place.

Way to go keep at it.  I have been struggling with MO too.  I have chosen not to do it.  I have struggled with bad habits that I have gotten into since quiting P too.  We can do this just keep your head up and your eyes on your goals.  Keep journaling that will help too.

Jbick1852 said:

We can do this just keep your head up and your eyes on your goals.  Keep journaling that will help too.

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Thanks buddy - appreciate the support!

Day 9 | September 22, 2017

On the cusp of day 10 AND the weekend. Not a bad end to the work week at all. A little hazy this morning, but generally feeling calm (brain is not racing or looking for a numbing agent). Slight to no morning wood. Libido definitely feels down and I feel like my dick looks smaller. Have had some early mornings lately, but have been getting a good amount of sleep so I feel like these items I'm noticing must be symptoms of moving deeper into this process.

With the progress I have made, if I am fully and truly honest about it I really haven't gone more than 4 or 5 days without some kind of porn related stimulus - whether that be a little bit of fantasizing, checking out craigslist, some kind of sexy imagery or reading. Nothing that was FULL. ON. PORN., but items that still fed the same pathways, still fed the same need. Day 9 is probably the farthest I've gotten in about a year with a truly unbroken string of days free from P and M. I've had a couple Os with my girlfriend, and don't plan on changing our sex life during this process, as a healthy release with her is exactly what will help re-wire this 'ol brain! And I know enough that libido changes are normal during this process, so if I'm really not in the mood, I'll let her know, otherwise, I'll see how things play out.

Weekends were always the toughest for me, lots of down time. Going into day 10 on a Saturday, I do have some strategy in place. I've laid out a few fun things to do with friends and my girlfriend tonight and tomorrow and am putting a ban on computer use through the whole weekend. My phone is locked down like fort knox, so not worried about that.

Cheers to getting closer to the next milestone! Since I won't be using my computer tomorrow or Sunday, you'll most likely hear from me again on Monday, which would be Day 12!

Don't feel bad about seeing sexual imagery man, it is almost impossible to avoid. I haven't watched porn in a long time either but every once in awhile I'll still see a naked woman in a picture or something. You just have to not let them take over your mind.

It sounds like you're killing it though man! Keep chugging along

Day 10, 11 & 12 | September 23-25, 2017

Fellas - I said I'd write in on Monday and say how the weekend went, and I can proudly say it all went great! As in successful...Saturday and Sunday were both days of kind of a down mood which was hard, but I really had a lot of success with re-directing, and some information I read about HOCD really helped tackle some of the anxiety feelings. Had a party Saturday night which was a great opportunity to focus on good social interaction, and me and my girlfriend had a really good time.

A couple general status updates, MW this morning (although not really monitoring this that much because I know it comes and goes during the process). Girlfriend and I haven't had sex recently, been 'busy', but also haven't really been in much a mood for sex. We've instead spent a lot of time together and have had other physical interaction, which I think is great. Although, both working from home today so we'll see I think a mild flat line may have begun, but honestly the flat lines have gotten way better since I first started trying this out years ago. They used to be totally dead, but now it comes and goes much more easily, and I know that after a few days, something as simple as a solid workout can snap me out of it.

ALSO wanted to add that the ban on computer use over the weekend was KEY! It was actually really nice to disconnect and made better use of time, and wasn't tempted to test any of those P blockers...definitely highly recommend this. "But I need shit on my computer" False. My phone is locked down, but I still can check my e-mail, the weather, look up directions, whatever and when it really comes down to it, you don't NEED your computer every day.

In any case past the 10 day milestone and moving towards 15. Thanks for the support out there!

Update

That low libido, sex drive faded pretty fast today. Was suddenly as ready as ever and had a great time with the girlfriend. The O definitely helped kick the sour mood and so far no chaser effect or effect on energy. Excellent end to Day 12. For those of you reading this and thinking, "well what the fuck is wrong", it's about the desire for P and M and wanting to kick that entirely...Although, performance has been great, I want to really give my fullest self to my girlfriend and I feel like I can't be doing that if every few weeks I binge on P and M...this is Day 12 of just her and me, clear as day with no bullshit.

Have a good one fellas.

Day 13 | September 26, 2017

Morning Guys - brief check in. Doing ok this morning, didn't sleep super great yesterday and woke up a little later than usual. Good MW. Mood is in the middle, not bad, but not great. Feel decently motivated at work. Have been trying to stay on my game and replace the PMO with fun things that'll help me through this process, biking to work, yoga, weights - recently ordered a few books from my library. For those of you guys who want to start reading more, get a library card, jesus, it's pretty amazing what those people are able to do. Will probably never buy a book again! Cheers to day 13 and the week ahead.

I find myself in this process often looking forward to the big milestones, counting the days until I hit 30 or 45 instead of taking each day like I did at day 2, one small step at a time. Each day should be an opportunity to get stronger, whether that's on the good days or the bad days. Each day is different.

Update

Was feeling very sluggish during the day, but hit the gym...hard and am revved back up! For any fellas struggling through this process, highly recommend getting fitness into your routine. Saved me today.

Day 14 | September 27, 2017

Had a sluggish end to the day yesterday, but as I posted in the update had an awesome gym session which really pulled me out it! This morning, feeling generally in a lighter mood and good energy, some MW and at work early. This morning, at least, is a marked improvement over the last few days which feels generally like a bit of a turn around. Have been very successful in keeping screen time to a minimum in the evenings. Will write more later if necessary. Cheers fellas.

Day 15 | September 28, 2017

Got in a little tiff with my girlfriend last night, but had a decent nights sleep anyhow. Sure, it'll be better today. Feeling active, not quite vital. Slept in a bit. Some MW, nothing major - mood is level, not down (or too up).

Had a few waking mild cravings for P which was odd, my brain started to do, not really a fantasy, but a 'viewing' of a few scrolling sexual P images. Not even of a scene, but LITERALLY, sexual images scrolling by, as if on my smartphone or a computer...I kind of laughed to myself, acknowledged (not suppressed) it and moved on with my day. Oh, our brains will try and try again. In the past, day 18 or 20 has always been a difficult period for me. I've got good momentum and a strategy that has been working so far and I'm going to be able to break through to the other side this time around. I know that this will be it for good ...

Day 16 | September 29, 2017

Early morning today, strong MW and a little play with the lady before work, mild, just cuddling which is definitely what I need to be doing more of. Didn't sleep too well, woke up too early, but energy feels ok and mood is solid. Like last week, will not be using my computer at home this weekend (Saturday and Sunday) so this will most likely be my last post until October 2 (Day 19!).

Cheers guys.