First time here

I am a 52 yo divorced male who has been a porn viewer and masturbater since 1979. A month ago I had scheduled an hour with an $350/hr escort. I knew I had watched too much porn so I abstained from jerking off for a week. With prior escorts and my ex-wife, I had erection and ejaculation problems. In fact most of my sexual life with a partner I have experienced these ailments. Both problems occurred last month and I didn't even finish the time with her. I left, after telling her to keep the money. I was a bit disappointed about the financial loss, though this event made me release I have a porn problem.

About a week later while enjoying porn, I recalled several years ago I said to myself that one day I would consider masturbating to porn an addiction. That 'one day' has arrived!

I will be taking this recovery very slowly. Besides the fact that PIED realization and recovery is a major issue for me, I am also working on switching jobs from an SOB boss, and trying to reclaim an old business desire. (This desire has no sexual connection.) I am also trying dating again. I?ve been divorced five years and would like to be (sexually and non-sexually) social again with the ladies. Lastly I developed a "taste" for getting drunk while masturbating to porn about three years ago and am concerned about my alcohol intake.

Thank you.

One other realization about my PIED is that whenever I saw an attractive woman in the street/at work/etc. I would masturbate to a similar porn scene or starlet. I've done this for decades. A perfect example was at work three months ago. I met this extremely attractive black girl who got me harder than Chinese algebra  ;D. So what did Yours Truly do? When I got home that night I went to my favorite porn site, chose an applicable Dominique Simone clip, and imagined I was pleasuring my coworker while a couple of times calling out my colleague's name, masturbating to Dominique and her white lover.

This reality-attraction-to-similar masturbatory-visual probably can be attributed to a low self-esteem with women I've had since I was in my 20s or late teens. I can remember seeing an attractive girl or a girl and guy holding hands and thinking "That's not for me/not worthy of" or "She won't find me attractive." This misconception got/gets reinforced every time a girl I find attractive doesn't reciprocate.

Welcome OC2017, 
Your in the right place and if you stick to the plan as its laid out by Gabe Dean you can regain your former glory.  My best advice is spend as much time as you can reading and encouraging others, learn about the chemicals that play a roll in this addiction and how your brain responds.  I would suggest that we don't mention actual performers by name as that can trigger someone else, we try not to even use the word Porn or Masturbate or Orgasm as they can be triggers too.  Instead we use letters, like PMO(Porn, Masterbating to Orgasm).  I'll find some of the educational links for you and post them later as well as the one to the code letters.  Later, Dude.

The link below is to my mentor on RN, his instructions made the difference for me last year.
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

Thanks EnigmaMan!!

No performers' names and initials only--makes sense!

Wow, gotta tip my hat to Gabe. He's got balls for admitting/doing all this publicly!

Hello OC,

Welcome to the forum. I know we all have a range of fantasies, triggers, that cause us to PMO. No matter what, the end result is the same, and this addiction affects us physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's time to overcome and overpower this and live our lives fully out in the light, away from the darkness. Good luck and see you around!

-I

Thank you, IWantToLive!

Overcomer2017 said:

Thanks EnigmaMan!!

No performers' names and initials only--makes sense!

Wow, gotta tip my hat to Gabe. He's got balls for admitting/doing all this publicly!

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You are most welcome, keep on posting, no matter how strange or off the wall, get it out.  This addiction has a tendency to warp our thinking, but in time its a beatable foe.

EM

Thanks, EnigmaMan.

Well here goes: over the past couple of days since I began "drying out" from porn, I notice when I see an attractive girl on the way to work/during the day/etc.  I don't feel aroused. I was curious about this lack of arousal and returned to a favorite porn site. The arousal factor rose (pun intended.  ;D) only a little. Both live and video attractive ladies barely get a rise out of me lately.

I guess my mind and body are healing/changing.

I've also been listening to an audio on sexual performance anxiety. I know the overdose of porn has enhanced the PIED. There's also the separate element of long-standing lack of self-confidence with women. During this current lack of arousal I can hear the old self-put-downs. It's like the standalone low self-esteem with women and the long-standing viewing of porn feed off one another. I get aroused or find someone attractive, there is no reciprocating, so rather than be "held prisoner" by the rejection, I get release and satisfaction from porn.

Tonight was also different. Usually Thursday would be the start of me drinking specifically with PMO (I think that's the correct abbreviation.) Tonight I didn't buy any hard liquor.  I DID buy two beers, partially out of a self-testing but more because I just wanted the beers in and of themselves--no PMO connection.

The PIED is directly related to Porn usage, there are some 16, 17 & 18 year olds out there who already have ED because of the quality(HD) of Porn available today and where their brains were in development when they started using.  Its very common in the beginning to feel like your dick has up and died, but I promise it will return.  A trap a lot of guys fall into is when they first notice the lack of action down stairs they want to make sure "lil man" is ok and run to check porn for a response, DON'T!  Just let the sleeping dog lay for a bit, he needs the rest(your brain really) because of over stimulation.  Another common response is running to Viagra or other boner meds, usually with no results to poor, because its NOT a circulation issue, its the brain.  Here's the thing, if you cheat in anyway, like: Checking out women, watching racey TV or Movies, self stimulation, suggestive music anything that gives you that little zing, well you just set yourself back because you released the chemicals in your brain again.  If you want to return to swinging lumber you really need to go the, "HARD-90" anything else you do just makes it take longer with weaker results.  These are just the facts scientifically speaking.

Wow! Thanks for the insight, EnigmaMan,

It's funny you mentioned Viagra because when I didn't feel anything down there, I thought, "Well I always have the Blue Pill." But as you said, it's a brain chemistry issue, not circulation.

EnigmaMan,

You are definitely right about the brain. There are times when my brain/mind is hyped up for p and my dick isn't in the mood. Funny but true.

BTW: LOL for "Lumber!"

Something good to learn about and understand while going thru this process is, "Delta Fos B".  Its a chemical in the brain that reinforces repeated behavior.  It essentially heightens the conductivity of the neural pathways you use the most, which if PMO was it, then your brain will try and take you there anytime you feel stressed, bored, lonely, etc.  I forget the time table but resisting PMO in all its forms will help the Delta Fos B accumulated in your brain to fade.  Sadly the old neural pathways will still be there but you can train your brain to look for other paths instead, newer healthier habits.  The sex will get better too...

Great point! Funny you mention about being stressed, bored, lonely, etc--PMO has been my way to sometimes deal with these emotions.

Thanks again.

You're welcome, We fight together.

Overcomer2017 said:

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Now I know why you journal wasn't being updated, you have a squadron.  ;D

Chip

Lol!

Overcomer2017 said:

Lol!

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Hope all is well today, thank you for your encouragement and friendship.  It means a lot having a wingman to go thru this with.

Chip

Yeah, today's good. Hope the same for you. You got it! 

I may get a cat. I love animals and always believed from a prior incident years ago that I was allergic to felines. An allergist today confirmed with two tests that at worst, I am barely allergic to them. I think this might be beneficial for rebooting (having to spend more time with Mr. Whiskers instead of Mr. Happy ;D).

I still have to think this through--financially and personally. I am the only inhabitant of my apartment since 2012. I've gotten used to the set-up.

EnigmaMan,

Just wondering if you used any audio/video products to help with the fight against PIED.