Some realness & help to those struggling

Hello friends & brethren,

Infrequent poster here but trying to get more active now that I'm walking in victory! Long/short = 53, married 24 years, dad of 3, addicted since a teen. Now 8+ months completely sober & this wretched addiction has lost ALL power over me. I posted http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=16402.0 not long ago & tonight offer a follow up. I hope & pray this will help many.

This battle is 100% with the mind. We want to get clean, we want to walk away....but we want to fail. Many have posted feeling "sad" about leaving porn. We can all relate. One of my biggest struggles was with the thought "I'm NEVER going to view porn again?! Ever??" That's a big pill. We realize we can't 'sort of' keep using, PMO once in a while, etc.  The finality of "I can never, ever get another hit of that wonderfulness again" is damn intimidating. I've made it out, this will help those struggling:

Whether you're given to faith or not, "Everyman's Battle" by Fred Stoeker is fantastic:
https://books.google.com/books/about/Every_Man_s_Battle.html?id=462M-e4u0VAC
It is presented from a Christian worldview but whether you share that view or not it presents excellent, practical, "here's what you can do" tools -- one of those is changing brain programming Pavlovian style.

Our brain has associated the stimulus of viewing porn with a pleasure reward, often times an ejaculation. With a little effort its possible to reprogram by introducing a negative response to stimulus/thoughts we're trying to quell.  We can watch a porn movie anytime we want. Just pull it up & let it run in the theater of the mind. Whether a fap is imminent or not we derive pleasure from the imaginations. One useful tool --& this does work-- is to wear a fairly hefty rubberband around the wrist; everytime an imaginations starts *THWACK*!! Grab that rubberband, pull it out as hard as you can & let it go so it snaps you right on that soft, delicate skin of the under-wrist. You've got to do it hard enough so you feel some discomfort. It needs to sting, to hurt a little. This may sound stupid or self-degrading (& maybe it is) but its the same thing as whacking a puppy on the nose with a rolled newspaper when he pees in the house. You are associating pain/discomfort with a specific activity.

If you're in despair, & I know from surfing the forum some today that some of you are, give this a try.  What have you to lose? (Other than people wondering why you're wearing a rubberband for a bracelet.)  As has been noted many times & as I personally attest - the key is getting that reboot done. I used to sit & watch videos in my mind all day every day.  Fav porn stars, fav scenes, etc.  Y'all know. At about 2 months of sobriety the damnedest thing happened one day - I was sitting in my office, it was 4:00 & suddenly I realized, "Wow! I haven't thought about porn ONCE all day today!!"  Then it happened again the next day. And the next.  Now I have to literally sit & pull up memories/scenes as opposed to them just popping in on their own as was once the case. 

Where the mind leads the body follows. Get your mind under control & your genitals have no choice but to follow suit. This simple trick is one proven and very successful way of winning the battle in the brain. Shut that internal movie theater down, put that thing OUT OF BUSINESS....and you've won.
 

Rex

Active Member
Remington,

Thanks for posting, it's great to read the stories of fellow soldiers who have been successful and what worked in the battle. Congrats on 8 months, I am 77 days free which for me is the longest period I have been free from PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) in three decades.  Additionally thanks for mentioning the rubber band trick, I was use this trick first week I was on the reboot and I used the rubber band a lot.  I broke a few rubber bands during that week and then by week 2, I stopped wearing it.  It was a very helpful tool, since it helped me to change those thoughts real fast.  If I start having bad urges again, I'll start wearing it again.

Keep us up-to-date on your progress, you are doing great!
 
Well, here I am, just joined.......after months of thinking and believing that I must have something medically/physically wrong with me, and or just chalking up my fairly recent PIED to "old age"...... I decided that if I can lose 23 lbs retraining myself by eating well, and making good decisions....then maybe I can do the same with my penis and sexlife.
    I am 49 years old, married (2nd wife) with four children. I work within a skilled trade industry, and my wife is the same age, and going through menopause. Yes, I am sexually frustrated, and worse.....have been plagued by Premature ejaculation, and most recently now.... a few times, either lost my erection during sex, or unable to get one (without serious physical assistance) before sex.
    My wife has a pretty nice figure for a woman her age, and she looks great in the nude too......(sorry, just being honest)
    We have had our share of marital problems (un-related to sexual issues) and we are almost at the point in our loives where WE should be enjoying more free time, travel, etc.......( kids leaving home, growing up, etc.)
      My mind has been really preoccupied with sex for most of my life since adolescence.......and I never had any issues with PE, or ED before.......but as of the last year or so.......both of these problems have come into my life. I have tried medications, hypnotism, and nothing has worked. So what haven't I tried?? TOTAL ABSTINENCE FROM PORN.
      I am ready, I am going to really give this my all. I welcome and appreciate any guidance, advice, or support that any of my commrades can offer.
      I admit I have a problem with porn, and i believe it has caused my ED and that masterbation has given me PE.
      This is the first step. Other than not viewing, anymore, what do I do next?
 
John Farnham said:
and I never had any issues with PE, or ED before.......but as of the last year or so.......both of these problems have come into my life. I have tried medications, hypnotism, and nothing has worked. So what haven't I tried?? TOTAL ABSTINENCE FROM PORN.

Many will welcome you to the forum, John. And with what you've typed above you have diagnosed and found your own problem and solution. The good news is - quitting porn is a lot cheaper than meds, hypnosis or any other doctor/professional-involved solution. The better news is - none of those are really solutions anyway. As you've found out. Kick this monster out of your life and in a matter of (not a lot of) time your soldier will again be standing at attention.
 
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I am currently at 4 days clean, with no porn. I know I can do this, if I just fill my time ( and mind) with other tasks, or forms of work, or entertainment. I welcome any suggestions to fill these voids. Right now, it is just doing odd jobs and "honey do" lists, and watching historical documentaries instead of porn. That isn't hard.....My wife hates porn, and I can understand her reasons, so it isn't something I really ever did when she was around.
      I know these will sound like silly questions, but I have to ask them......
  First, can I still have sex with my wife (or try to) when I am trying to "reboot"???? What about sexual thoughts???? Am I supposed to avoid those too???? Or, is using my Imagination, and fantasizing about my wife okay????
      I really hope that last one is okay, because I have already noticed that I can actually be anywhere, and if I think about my wife sexually, I am starting to get erect while doing so.......almost reminds me of the spontaneous erections I used to get just thinking about having sex with women. Come to think of it, I can't really remember when I stopped having those, or that ability.
      Some year ago, I got shingles, and since then, it seemed like my sex life begaan to decline. I later was tested and found to have Low testosterone, and I do HRT now. It seems like my PE got way worse after the shingles and the low T. I have read and researched a ton for answers and diagnosis, none however are conclusive. I have come to the realization that some of my decline is my age, and most is from masturbation and PIED.
      I really appreciate your reply, and would appreciate more of your input of answers to my questions, if you can give them any more attention.
      I intend to use this forum to help me abstain, and also to reinforce my new endeavor hearing from fellow soldiers.
      Before I sign off for today, one last question: What about reading about fantasy sexual encounters??? there are no Visuals.....except for the ones I can only create in my minds eye. What say you...anyone?
 
Oh yeah, one more thing! how long does a typical reboot really take? How do you "test the waters"?? What can I do to increase my success, and reduce the amount of time....yes, I know, I am impatient. Thanks
 
I have no experience with PIED and cannot really comment on that. Others certainly can but I'm glad to say that, even when in the grips of pron addiction, I don't think I've ever failed to 'rise to the occasion'. As for "what about reading about fantasy sexual encounters??? there are no Visuals.....except for the ones I can only create in my minds eye. What say you...anyone?" I'd advise you to re-read my original post that started this discussion string. The issue isn't porn, per se. It isn't our johnsons. It isn't our hands. Its our mind. The battle here is in the brain. Reading about sexual encounters or just conjuring up the images visual-assistance free is still feeding the beast. Your brain wants that dope and there's more than one way to give to it. That theater inside your head is just as real and as powerful as that website you click. Just say no.
 
I re-read your original post. Okay, I get it. Still, I am married. What if my wife wants to have sex? Can I at least try.....it isn't porn, it is my own beautiful wife. If no, then what about if after a long period of abstinence, I am in the bedroom, and seeing my wife undress gives me a spontaneous erection from across the bedroom. If seeing her naked is what caused it, and I stay hard, is it okay to have sex with my own real woman, not a porn image??? I must sound pathetic to you. I am just trying to get a feel for what my rules and boundaries, and behaviors are/should be. Thanks again for your reply. I just posted for an accountability partner.
 
Don't know that I'm the ultimate authority and one to look to in terms of 'what are the rules', John, but I'd say this & seriously doubt anyone would challenge it -- ANYTHING involving your wife is in bounds. She is supposed to be your/our source of stimulation, so if seeing her turns your crank or if imagining her does the same thing...good!  Have at it. That's the healthy imagination we're striving for.
 
N

Numez

Guest
Remington.22 said:
Don't know that I'm the ultimate authority and one to look to in terms of 'what are the rules', John, but I'd say this & seriously doubt anyone would challenge it -- ANYTHING involving your wife is in bounds. She is supposed to be your/our source of stimulation, so if seeing her turns your crank or if imagining her does the same thing...good!  Have at it. That's the healthy imagination we're striving for.
you said it very well but then backpedaled. anything that involves your wife is okay. that is exactly why imagining your wife is very bad idea, because it is not involving her. it is lonely thing, instant gratification, like porn. it is opposite of rewiring. its not helpful to imagine anything sexual. dont indulge in lonely behavior that is porn or porn like if you want to recover from porn addiction.
 
N

Numez

Guest
John Farnham said:
I re-read your original post. Okay, I get it. Still, I am married. What if my wife wants to have sex? Can I at least try.....it isn't porn, it is my own beautiful wife. If no, then what about if after a long period of abstinence, I am in the bedroom, and seeing my wife undress gives me a spontaneous erection from across the bedroom. If seeing her naked is what caused it, and I stay hard, is it okay to have sex with my own real woman, not a porn image??? I must sound pathetic to you. I am just trying to get a feel for what my rules and boundaries, and behaviors are/should be. Thanks again for your reply. I just posted for an accountability partner.
of course you can have sex with your wife, or try to have sex if you have PIED. the problem may be if you Oing too early or too frequently during reboot. how you know if its too early or too frequently? try it and check out how you feel afterwards. do you have chaser effect? does flatline and PIED seems to increase? if you notice any bad symptoms simply cut back for some time on Oing and enjoy bonding with your wife, rewiring.
 
Again, thanks for the replies......I truly value them all. I am five days porn free. I think mi understand how "imagining my wife sexually", is related to what rewards a get from watching porn. So, I guess, I can live with that. I can only enjoy my wife, in the flesh. Real stimulation the way it is supposed to be. I have been successful in filling my time with more positive and healthy activities. I can choose to read, and educate myself to advance my career, and my other hobby ( no my hobby is not porn), and I can do things like work on my house, do side work for extra cash.......and hey, here is one I actually realized that I enjoy.......going on a date, or just spending time with my wife. I can do this. Thanks for the support, advice and answers. I will check in again tomorrow. I am already using this forum as a means of accountability. I get a reward from being able to say that I am still porn free everyday. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and If i can't check in with that, I lose the reward i get. So thanks to you and everyone, and part of this forum.
 
I suppose you are right, Nikola. I also suppose we've sort of ventured into "one size doesn't fit all" territory. Personally, I had't completely given up allowing imaginations about my wife and still managed to pull free of addiction's grip. But just b/c it' was ok for me doesn't translate into ok for all.
 
Hello everyone,
    I just posted in another area, but wanted to post here too......to give an update (for me and you) I have been porn free for about two weeks now, not sure when exactly.....trying not to think about that, and detach myself from "the beginning" of my journey. The holidays, and work, have made it easy for me to abstain from my PORN USE. I did buy my wife a pair of black stockings for Christmas, in the hopes that someday I will be able to see her in them.....and it gave me an erection. But I made sure to steer away from that, and focus on the no imagination thing, and only doing the REAL thing with her, in the flesh. I thank you guys and this forum for giving me an accountability platform and support system. I hope and pray that you are all improving. I am going to see a cardio vascular specialist soon, because of a show i watched.....wherein men my age are reporting ED in increasing numbers, and they blame too much fat especially animal fat in our diets....which damages our arteries, and they say that ED is the first sig of potential heart disease, or cardio vascular issues. I will let you know what I find. peace, and keep fighting.
 
S

switched_off

Guest
Thanks for sharing such an empowering and positive post. I'm at day 99 with one significant slip and I feel strong.

I'm interested in some of the thoughts being shared about replacing porn with fantasies involving your wife. I feel that's where I am at the moment. I get that in some ways it is feeding the same destructive pathways, but at the same time I feel I'm playing catch-up and I'm eagre (maybe too eagre) to re-ignite our physical relationship which has withered (in part as a result of my porn addiction).

One thing I've discovered since stopping PMO is that my libido is still very much alive and kicking (more so than it was when I fed it daily with porn), and I don't know if 1) I need to re-kindle a more active relationship with my wife, or 2) ride it out expecting my libido to settle down over time.

Either way it is definitely a better place to be than I was 3 months ago when I was totally enslaved to the dark side.
 
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