Here we go

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 22, 2018

Hi I'm a 43 year old married father of three. I have tried quitting several times, but just now have gotten serious about it, by joining this group and I have also begun counseling for it.

I will say that I am almost sad to give up porn. It seems like giving up an old friend. I'm aware that it is ruining my life, but it's still hurts to give it up. I'm not sure why something so unsatisfying his so hard to give up.

Big triggers for me are the night time, being in my office alone, and general boredom. I'm working on the triggers. The hardest is the night time because I can't sleep and I feel like it's the only way I can get to sleep.

So I hope to contribute to this and be completely honest in this journal. I'm only on day 4. Wish me luck and have I hope everyone has had a Happy Thanksgiving.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 23, 2018

So I survived last night which is one of the hardest parts for me. I'm still struggling with what to do with my time without porn and PMO. There's so much to do, but I'm having trouble building an interest in anything. What I am interested in, I have a hard time following through with it.

Today is a family day. I'm happy and thankful that I still have my family.

uncreatedlight · Nov 23, 2018

Welcome home. Post often, read other journals, and learn the science behind this addiction. There is hope and healing here. You CAN get better.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 25, 2018

Thank you for the kind words.

It's been a good day. So far not much of a struggle. I have spent much of the day enjoying my family. Nothing to exciting. I don't have any deep thoughts on the struggle or process at the moment.

jjacks · Nov 26, 2018

I will say that I am almost sad to give up porn. It seems like giving up an old friend.

I have used the "old friend" metaphor in my log. But the truth is that an old friend who is a true friend will come to your aid when you need it the most. Porn is no friend.

Stick with the program .. it works. I am 762 days in now and living poof of how it can return your manhood.

-jj

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 27, 2018

I appreciate the encouragement and very happy that there's someone who understands what I'm going through. It's so hard right now. I feel almost depressed and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm having a tough time focusing on work. I feel like I'm anticipating something that will never come.

I failed miserably yesterday and I'm almost in despair. It's hard to think that this will get better or go away. It has clogged up my life and even without it I have no motivation to go on. I do not know how to go on.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 27, 2018

I have gotten over my pity party. For awhile there I felt like life was ending. But it's not and life goes on. I almost feel like it would be easier to deal with were my life not such a mess right now. Life is hard at the moment, but not unlivable.

One small step at a time.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 27, 2018

I'm so back and forth today. One minute I don't need it, the next minute I am desperate for it. I think part of my trouble is that I am just bored. Life seems to have gotten very boring and I can't shake it. I don't know how to reinvigorate my life.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 27, 2018

I believe I can see what makes life fun. I work with autistic children and one little girl I have worked with for years has begun talking. I'm so happy for her and her parents. I feel like I need to begin looking at those things.

NewVerse · Nov 27, 2018

jasonsjunk1975 said:
I believe I can see what makes life fun. I work with autistic children and one little girl I have worked with for years has begun talking. I'm so happy for her and her parents. I feel like I need to begin looking at those things.

That's so cool! We miss out on so many amazing things being lost in fantasies that aren't even real. Hang in there.

bob · Nov 28, 2018

jasonsjunk1975 said:
I work with autistic children and one little girl I have worked with for years has begun talking. I'm so happy for her and her parents. I feel like I need to begin looking at those things.

This is one amazing experience. Hold it dear and remember this is what is important in life; to make a difference and see the results of growth.

This journey is never a straight line. My personal experience has jumped all over the place. But, I feel I have progress significantly since I have joined this place. I hope the best for you.

Peace

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 28, 2018

Thank you, everyone has been to kind. Today has been a good day and last night was a good night. I sat with my kids and my wife without the rush of trying to get to something else. I am looking forward again to my time with them this evening.

Work has been better today and I have found a new interest in it. This all has nearly ruined my career and I'm weary at the prospect of rebuilding. But I am rebuilding. It's been bits and pieces and day by day. I still have a lot that is salvageable.

bob · Nov 28, 2018

One question. Does your wife know?

She should if at all possible. Sometimes it isn?t best but other times we don?t just because to tell will hurt to much.

Not a good enough of a reason.

uncreatedlight · Nov 28, 2018

jasonsjunk1975 said:
Thank you, everyone has been to kind. Today has been a good day and last night was a good night. I sat with my kids and my wife without the rush of trying to get to something else.

Excellent. Be here now. If you can bring yourself back to the present, really listening to others as they speak, being aware of how you are feeling, and aware of what is around you it will feel boring at first, but after a while you'll have the invigorating sense of being awake to what's real.

If you aren't exercising yet, start. Probably anything will do, but cardio is especially powerful for interrupting your default mental network and boosting your mood.

This forum is a little like a religious tradition. Other people have found a way out, and they are shining the light. There is a way out. You are on the path. Just keep walking.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 29, 2018

I wish I could explain how much the comments left to me in here mean to me. I truly didn't expect anyone to be reading this and I'm thankful to those who have and have responded with such kind and encouraging things.

The struggle is still very real, but it feels different. In the past I have quit cold turkey and immediately felt desolate. This time I have felt more hopeful. Again, I'm very much struggling, but there seems to be hope in the struggle. I am beginning to feel a bit of pride in life instead of shame.

I used to feel heart sore when I thought of my kids, knowing that I was failing them. Today I thought of them at work and I didn't feel that way. I was excited to get home and have a nice evening with them. And we did have a nice evening. I may be developing a new routine in life. Work, no porn at work. Actually accomplish something, no matter how small. Evening- family without the need to rush to be alone and look at porn. Then journal here.

So far it's been nice.

Remington.22 · Nov 29, 2018

Jason, I'm a very infrequent poster here but I can tell you this -- it can be done. I'm 53, father of 3, started as a teenager, you know the rest. Said "I'm DONE with this crap" on April 8th of this year & haven't been back since. Told my wife and got straight with her. The reboot is real. Do whatever you have to do to muscle your way to the 90/100 day mark. It then gets easier. Start exercising/working out. It benefits in far more ways than one. If nighttime = trigger time, fill that time with something else. If you're not already a reader, become one. Obviously porn addiction overcoming literature would be best but I get that may not be possible depending on wife & family situation. Pick up a novel. Get into Michael Creighton, Tom Clancy, Dean Koontz or whatever floats your boat. Novels have a way of pulling the mind and imagination in -especially high action reading- thus while your brain is engaged in the fantasy world of the novel its not busy battling off "I want porn!" thoughts.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 30, 2018

Thank you Remington.22

Today (Friday's in general) will be a tough day for me. I tend to have a lot of alone time. So today I am not going to use that alone time. I'll have to be extra productive at work, but I'm going to go to the gym and then I'm going to work from home while my wife is there.

jasonsjunk1975 · Nov 30, 2018

I failed miserably today. The urge came out of nowhere. It wasn't very good. I'm just frustrated that I gave up so easily. Now I am back in my tired and lethargic state. It's hard to decide what's worse. Withdrawal or the depression that comes with acting out.

I wish I could just turn back the clock and have that anxiety again. At least there is energy in the withdrawal. However it's nervous energy. Not productive. I sure wish I could turn it into positive energy.

I'm worried that I simply can't be left alone. There is no quiet calm to reflect when I'm alone. It's simply a trigger. A bit of the color has gone out of life. I feel like I lost a chance to persevere.

bob · Dec 1, 2018

This is the hardest point in the recovery process; to accept you had a lapse (not a relapse).

I know this sounds like a clich? but pick yourself up, learn from your mistake, and move forward. No shame, no embarassement, no WTF moments where you give in and think it doesn't matter.Harder than it sounds as I have had difficulties with this myself.

Recovery is not a straight line.

Peace

jasonsjunk1975 · Dec 1, 2018

Thank you Bob.

I feel better today. I feel like i'm ready to "embrace the suck." My energy is back and I'm happy about that. Good news is- it's a beautiful day and I'm looking forward to spending it with my family. Just a bit uncertain about the future.

Here we go

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