Finally accepted I'm addicted.

I'm 42, married with kids and I finally accept that I'm addicted to porn and I can't do this alone.

I first started looking at porn when I found out where my Dad hid his nudie mags in the late 1980s. Then, I used to read erotic stories on usenet in college (before the Web was everywhere). When porn was available free and easy online my usage exploded. It got even worse with smartphones.

It hasn't ruined my life but I dislike myself doing it for two main reasons. First, it is the only thing that I don't discuss with my wife. I'm ashamed that I continue to consume porn and that I hide it from her. I want to stop so there are no secrets between us. Second, I hate that I don't have the strength to JUST STOP. I've stopped for up to a few weeks now and then, but then the itch comes back and I start browsing again. I hate that I have been powerless against porn and I want to regain and assert my power.

So, I've joined Reboot Nation because I really want to address and kick this addiction once and for all. I haven't looked at porn for 6 days now, and I'm hoping to come here when I feel the need so that I can continue to stretch this number until I no longer feel the yearning for the easy release that porn gives. I haven't decided if I just want to stop porn or if would be helpful for me to stop masturbating for a while as well. I'm guessing yes.

Hopefully this journal will not include a lot of backsliding and I will do my best to hold myself accountable for my actions. ]

Nice to meet you all! I've been inspired by reading these posts the last week. Six days and counting!

Good afternoon Huckleberry



                    Ill start off with  our stories are somewhat similar  I am only 5 years older than you  and am married  My wife knows I "surfed a little porn"  over the years  but does not know the extent  so far I am successful in keeping it that way    I plan to fight this  and put it behind me without her ever knowing.  Some feel its best to come clean  some don't  Do what works best for you 1st

    Do not hate yourself for being powerless  just call it a temporary weakness  and work to overcome that weakness  I started  the battle in earnest  back in Dec  and have had a few slips  I went from PMO  almost every day  sometimes for hours  and  really extreme P topics to  going 6 months clean to slipping about 5 times in the last 4 months  but the feelings after slipping the last few times have been different  not so much shame  but just my weakness showing though  and the feeling of  wow  that was not fulfilling at all  I am also finding it easyer to  get motivated in the more challenging hobbys in my life  so I am concentrating on building up these  endeavors

          Will keep an eye for you  and respond to your posts with insight  and understanding


      cheers

                    Post often it helps me it helps you

Today was the day I decided to fight back. I woke up this morning and looked at porn. I have an anxiety disorder and PMO is my drug of choice. I am 42 turning 43 on Wednesday. Married nine years and fully expect to lose my wife if I don't turn this around now. Looking for help wherever I can. Thanks for reading!

Thanks Joe,

It is a weakness and we can overcome it if we work hard. We're stronger than this.

Miller,

I know man, we're the same age and in the same situation. I'm in less danger than you because my porn addiction hasn't messed up my marriage (yet) but we can turn this corner together and be the men and husbands we want (and should) be.

I have an incredible wife who loves me dearly. I just know I am wrong here and that it is effecting our relationship. She just puts up with it and it is becoming very sad to me. It is becoming unacceptable to me. Coming here for help. Hopefully we can lean on each other when it becomes really hard. I can't wait for the day when I rejoice from having sex with my wife again instead of taking the easy way out. Porn is a drug that keeps you from experiencing true intimacy with a real person.

Support is a strong ally in this battle. We all need an army of support to progress though this battle. Please be strong and most of all be true to yourselves.

I'm at seven days. What has surprised me is the anxiety. I have a pretty stressful job and I didn't notice how much I was using porn to relax after a hard day. Last night I lay awake for hours, sometimes thinking about women and porn... but I was strong and eventually went to sleep. This is difficult but I am doing great.

Yes you are doing great, Huck! (Im going to call you `Huck` from now, OK?) The first week or so is the most fucked up in terms of the symptoms of withdrawal. But its great that you can recognise them as such. They will pass soon, and youll see an improvement in the coming weeks for sure.

Congratulations on seven days! I look forward to saying I have done the same.

I am in a period of insomnia too.  They come and go.  I wouldn't expect it to last longer than week.  Don't get discouraged.  You are one week clean!

I slept fine last night but females did enter my dreams. I always feel badly about that. I suppose this will get worse as I continue going forward.

Today I'm really proud of myself. My wife is away on business so it was my job to drop off and pick up the kids (which means I have to work from home because I can't do that and commute to my office). In the past, when I worked from home there would be a lot of PMO going on but today, no! I was more productive working that usual and when I got that familiar itch I did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and even took an hour to go to the gym. I feel like I can really do this. My wife is going to be thrilled when she gets back late tonight and sees the house. This reboot is already improving my life (but it's hard!).

Had insomnia again last night, thinking about work. I really used to use PMO (or MO) as a crutch to deal with stress. Maybe I'll lose some weight going to the gym to calm down!

8 days.

Ahhhhh the sudden bursts of productivity for rebooters... what an amazing benefit!
Its good to do something productive or something that benefits  others when you get that urge to fap. It develops a new habit, too! Craving a fap = cleaning the house
Congrats on the 8 days, Huck!

huckleberry said:

Maybe I'll lose some weight going to the gym to calm down!

Click to expand...

Exercise often.  It's a lifesaver.  Sounds like you are in a good space for 8 days without intense urges.  That is great.  Enjoy this time.

I am at day 4. This is about as long as I have ever gone. I am betting it is going to get much harder soon. I was alone for most of last evening and I made it through. Congrats to you Huck. Stay strong!

Expect a peak of withdrawal symptoms in the next day or two, but they'll soon dissipate after 10 days or so. Get through that and you'll see some benefits

Just checking in. 9 days. I had a strong desire to MO last night but I didn't do it. The desire to look at P has only been there a few times in the last couple days... I can imagine it going away (i hope so).

Lying in bed this morning has been really tough. Sexual thoughts racing through my head. I had to fight through it. It was tough.

It takes time.  The urges will rise and fall.  They can feel overpowering.  Don't fight them, but don't act on them either.  Breathe and look at them.  What part of the body do you feel them in, how do they look inside your mind?  Are they connected to any thoughts?  Just watch.  Sometimes they can last hours.  Just watch and ride the wave.  You can do this.  They will evaporate like mist just like they arose from nothing.

You can beat this.

Just checking in. Can't believe this I'm at 17 days. This has been really hard. It amazes me how we can become addicted to purely mental imagery... no drug required (well except the drugs you make in your own brain).

This is the best I've ever done, and I"ve tried to quit a lot of times. The previous long breaks of P have happened when I didn't have the opportunity to view it, for example on a backbacking trip through central America or visiting inlaws. This time it's different. This time I have opportunity and temptation and I'm beating it (so far).

I think the difference is reading on this site, learning, and posting here to hold myself accountable. I've lurked on so many people's stories. I usually don't feel like I have something to add so I don't comment, but their (your) stories are inspiring to me.

I'm going to keep going!