Yearning for Stillness

42 years old and ready to start healing from the damage sexual compulsions have caused me and the people I love for decades.  The porn that interests me has gotten progressively more dehumanizing and aggressive.  My cycles of masturbation and porn use have made my behavior increasingly erratic, intensifying up-and-down cycles in which I am short-tempered and irritable.

These behaviors have become a screen for alleviating early traumas and shame, and they have become maladaptive.  I want to bring peace to the world and joy to those around me, so I need to change.

I am currently separated from my second wife.  It has been 14 days since masturbation or porn, and I am feeling intense cravings that are overwhelming.

Light,

So glad to have you present and working on this problem. You will find a very caring and supportive environment here at RN. You haven't stated that you have worked on porn addition previously but I encourage you to:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Read as much about the scientific aspects of the brain and its reaction to porn. Check out YBOP on the top menu bar for information.
[*]Write in your journal. This allows you to put down into words your struggle and allows you to have a written timeline of your progress.
[*]Write comments in others journals as your experience will be beneficial to others. When I first considered this, I thought, "what do I have to offer." The answer is you have a lot to offer others. You will be supersized. Your ideas, questions, and honesty will provide support to others in the community.[/list]

We have a great many guest in this on-line community. Many are asking the same questions we have asked ourselves. "Is this what I am going through? Am I addicted to this kind of behavior? Is it even possible?" You input could mean the difference for someone else.

Good luck to you.

Peace

Thanks, Bob.  I appreciate you taking the time to check in.  Your support makes a difference.  I'm hoping this community can help me.  I know I can't do this on my own.

Stay strong. Over time the cravings will become a little easier to deal with.

Keep posting your progress. It helps you stay focused and also helps other addicts.

Good luck! 

Thanks, mousemat.  The cravings are intense right now.  I'm having a hard time concentrating and feeling irritable.  I am hoping for some relief soon!

    How about vigorous exercise, might be helpful, or just get out and take a walk.

Thanks, Turtle.  I went for a run last night and felt superpowered!

Today is day 15, and I am still feeling tense and preoccupied with sexual release.  My neck is tight.  My penis feels sensitive and is tingling.  It is hard not to have recurrent thoughts of MO.

I have spent most of time working on technical certifications and trying to keep myself busy with work.  In addition to these distractions, I meditated in the morning.

I have also been practicing the technique I have discovered online of passive awareness of my cravings.  Instead of tensing up and fighting them, I am allowing myself to feel them and be aware of them.

  Do you still communicate with your wife? Have you told her what you're trying to do?

Turtle,

I communicate with her about the kids only for the most part.  Casual chit-chat and deep conversations about our future have vanished at this point.  We have been through a crippling on-again, off-again affair on my part.  I haven't been a very good husband.

I figure that if we have another chance in us, learning temperance can only bolster my ability to be a better partner.  And if we don't, I will be a better person for someone else.

Day 16.  No porn use today, but I have been struggling with sexual fantasies and intense longings throughout the day.  It reminds me of tooth pain I was wracked with before a root canal once.  The pain suffused my consciousness so much I had to pace around the room to bear it.  I couldn't sit still.  I am feeling the same way.  I just can't sit still.

I did a 3-mile-walk with my kids, went swimming, and cooked and cleaned.  I haven't sat down all day.  They've gone back to their mothers' house now, and I don't have the distraction anymore.  The cravings are still intense, which worries me.

I have read about flatlining.  That idea sounds enticing to me right now.  I just want the cravings to subside.

Consider finding an accountability partner you can trust. Relying on your self is a losing proposition.

Keep coming back. Keep checking other peoples posts and recovery reports. Keep writing. It will help you focus.

Flatlining can be a blessing. You have no desire...for just about anything. Avoiding porn for me during the flatline was easy after the habit of just opening a porn website faded.

Flatlining can be terrifying. You will feel castrated. Your penis will not respond to anything other than porn, which leads to panicking and wanting to check you still have a functioning penis by watching porn.

Every time you resist you are weakening the old porn pathways. This is an excellent workout! It's really difficult. Believe me, I know!

Stay strong! We can help each other beat this!

Thanks, mousemat.  I've been in this game for 30 years, and I'm ready to end it.  I have read about crack addicts who were addicted with the first hit, and that's how masturbation was for me.  I read a post from Bob about how much time he had spent masturbating.  We have laid down deep grooves in our brain.  It will take time to alter them.

Today is Day 17.  I am still having cravings, but the intensity has reduced somewhat from the last couple of days.  I needed a break, so I am grateful for that.

I went for a run through a state park today. It was hot, but the lake was serene and beautiful, and wildflowers were in abundance in the thickets of bushes under the pine trees.  It was nice to get out of my head for a little bit.

Something about the pornification of our culture reminds me of the Opium Wars.  The British basically forced opium on the Chinese.  At one point 30% of local government officials were using.  I'm not sure how an epidemic like this could be completely unheeded by the medical and media establishments in our country.  It is just mind-boggling.

Masturbation during a reboot should be carefully approached. Some people claim it slows their reboot, others have said it brought them out of long flatlines. Everyone seems to react differently, so I think you just have to be the best judge. Masturbation isn't a bad thing per se. As evidenced on this forum, masturbation to artificial stimuli certainly can be a bad thing for some people.

The cravings are a nightmare. I've cruised through several months with little or no cravings for porn. Today is day 223 and I'm crawling out of my f**king skin! I just want to open up a page of porn! I don't know why the cravings as so strong today. It's for this reason I've been posting and reading a lot on this forum. I've done 223 days and there is no way I'm going to throw all that away now!

I glad to hear your cravings have diminished. 17 days is a fantastic achievement. I know! I remember how difficult the first couple of weeks were. Stay strong! Sometimes you'll lose heart (today I feel like shit) but there is no way back now! Just keep thinking "one more day, one more day, one more day" and before you know where you are you'll be celebrating your first porn free year! 

Good luck!

You have cravings after 223 days?  Oh, man.  I was hoping they would disappear forever one day.    What do you think would trigger them like that?  Diet?  Stress?

I hope your day is getting better.  That's rough.  If you did it for 223 days, you know you can do it for 224!

I have no idea. For that last 4 months I had some cravings (they never really go away) but they were easy to ignore. Today I feel fine. I don't have any cravings!

We're recovering addicts. The important thing to remember is that we are always recovering addicts. The urge to use again will always be just under the surface. It does get easier though.

Day 18.  Still hanging in there.  Vegging out and feeling tired.  Dull prostate pain going on.  I think my body is confused. 

Light,

That pain is the feeling of progress as your body relearns what is to be normal. You are doing super and should be commended for your current success. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing great.

Keep up the good work.

Peace

Thanks, Bob.  It feels better today.  Not sure what was up with that.  Today is Day 19.  I am feeling motivated at work.  I went through a depression for a while that really impaired my leadership skills.  I am on my game today, and those around me seem to be appreciating my drive and decisiveness.

I rented a vacation house before I separated from my wife.  She wanted to come for at least part of our 5-day stay, which starts on Thursday.  I am nervous about it.  Having my wife plus all the kids around will mean quite a lot of stress.  I'm planning on meditating both in the morning and in the evenings.  Hopefully this should keep me from arguing with her and from having any sexual expectations, which have been the source of a lot of conflict in the past.

Still feeling tense today, but a lot of that psychological discomfort at least has diminished.