Help- Questions(17 year old girl here...)

Questions

Member
Please, someone help!! :'(

I desperately want and need help...

I'm 17 and female, and the first time I saw porn I was 9/10. All I can say is that I wish that I never did, and I hate myself for it! It was an accident, I found a site online by accident, but after that it became intentional. It started with pictures, they progressed to becoming more explicit, and then I found videos. I would be on sites for hours, late at night, and it seemed like I couldnt stop. I felt dirty, ashamed, I had no one to talk to...I felt alone. The things I began to search for became increasingly graphic, and it got to a point where I thought that straight porn was too harsh, violent, demeaning towards the women involved...so I started to look at lesbian porn because it seemed more gentle and less violent. The thing is, I dont even like girls!! I looked at straight porn from time to time, but I began to look at lesbian porn more and more, and grew to even prefer it. Is that because my brain was becoming rewired to find what I was watching attractive? I was very young, about to begin puberty, so I guess my brain was still developing.

I was discovered maybe a year or two later by my oldest brother and mom, and I stopped on my own, due to the immense shame and guilt I felt. I lasted for a year(I was in 6th grade), before I started up again. I've been doing it on and off ever since, watching lesbian porn, straight porn(the straight porn that I began to watch was more romantic, more kissing, touching, things like that...and I prefer that wayyyy more to the lesbian porn, which I think I continued to watch because it was out of habit; familiar...) I've watched hentai(which is anime--kinda like cartoons--porn) and some creepy things that I would never like in real life, at all!! Its like when im turned on, and watching porn, I'll watch a lot of things that Im not normally attracted to...I feel like some sort of gross, disgusting pervert. I want to stop for myself, and I think of my bf, who I know wouldn't want me watching porn when im aroused instead of going to him...Should I tell him? Im afraid that if I tell him, he'll think that I like girls and might wanna leave me...or think that im weird and gross... :'( :'( :'( I've never wanted to be with girls, never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that...so why do I like to watch that stuff?

I wanna stop cus I dont want the porn in my life anymore. I hate how it makes me feel afterwards, the guilt, the shame...I feel physically ill afterwards. I wanna hide, I feel so much shame that I dont want to talk to anyone afterwards because of what I'm hiding. I dont feel like me. I feel like im carrying this gross secret...and I am. I am I am I am!  :'( I also dont wanna turn to pixels on a screen when Im aroused. The feelings that I get when my bf holds and kisses me and gives me affection is a million times better than the feelings I get when I watch porn. When I watch porn, I only get feelings....down there. But when I feel his touch, I feel things in my WHOLE body...my heart, my mind, and yes down there, my everything, and its so much more fulfilling, and I just wanna stop! I haven't watched in a month, and I dont wanna watch it ever again!

The weird thing is, I've never masturbated a day in my life, not to porn, not when im aroused...never, but I still get turned on by things. Is that weird?

Im at the point when I watch porn, Im asking myself, why am I watching this? Why? Lesbian porn is becoming boring to me now, but I still watch it...porn in general is boring to me now, and I still watch it...I just wanna cry right now, and I have no one to turn to.

Thanks for reading...

Is there hope??
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Questions said:
Please, someone help!! :'(

I desperately want and need help...

I'm 17, and the first time I saw porn I was 9/10. All I can say is that I wish that I never did, and I hate myself for it! It was an accident, I found a site online by accident, but after that it became intentional. It started with pictures, they progressed to becoming more explicit, and then I found videos. I would be on sites for hours, late at night, and it seemed like I couldnt stop. I felt dirty, ashamed, I had no one to talk to...I felt alone. The things I began to search for became increasingly graphic, and it got to a point where I thought that straight porn was too harsh, violent, demeaning towards the women involved...so I started to look at lesbian porn because it seemed more gentle and less violent. The thing is, I dont even like girls!! I looked at straight porn from time to time, but I began to look at lesbian porn more and more, and grew to even prefer it. Is that because my brain was becoming rewired to find what I was watching attractive? I was very young, about to begin puberty, so I guess my brain was still developing.

I was discovered maybe a year or two later by my oldest brother and mom, and I stopped on my own, due to the immense shame and guilt I felt. I lasted for a year(I was in 6th grade), before I started up again. I've been doing it on and off ever since, watching lesbian porn, straight porn(the straight porn that I began to watch was more romantic, more kissing, touching, things like that...and I prefer that wayyyy more to the lesbian porn, which I think I continued to watch because it was out of habit; familiar...) I've watched hentai(which is anime--kinda like cartoons--porn) and some creepy things that I would never like in real life, at all!! Its like when im turned on, and watching porn, I'll watch a lot of things that Im not normally attracted to...I feel like some sort of gross, disgusting pervert. I want to stop for myself, and I think of my bf, who I know wouldn't want me watching porn when im aroused instead of going to him...Should I tell him? Im afraid that if I tell him, he'll think that I like girls and might wanna leave me...or think that im weird and gross... :'( :'( :'( I've never wanted to be with girls, never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that...so why do I like to watch that stuff?

I wanna stop cus I dont want the porn in my life anymore. I hate how it makes me feel afterwards, the guilt, the shame...I feel physically ill afterwards. I wanna hide, I feel so much shame that I dont want to talk to anyone afterwards because of what I'm hiding. I dont feel like me. I feel like im carrying this gross secret...and I am. I am I am I am!  :'( I also dont wanna turn to pixels on a screen when Im aroused. The feelings that I get when my bf holds and kisses me and gives me affection is a million times better than the feelings I get when I watch porn. When I watch porn, I only get feelings....down there. But when I feel his touch, I feel things in my WHOLE body...my heart, my mind, and yes down there, my everything, and its so much more fulfilling, and I just wanna stop! I haven't watched in a month, and I dont wanna watch it ever again!

The weird thing is, I've never masturbated a day in my life, not to porn, not when im aroused...never, but I still get turned on by things. Is that weird?

Im at the point when I watch porn, Im asking myself, why am I watching this? Why? Lesbian porn is becoming boring to me now, but I still watch it...porn in general is boring to me now, and I still watch it...I just wanna cry right now, and I have no one to turn to.

Thanks for reading...

Is there hope??

I read your story and I see you have stopped doing what gives you shame already. I think if you want to start a journal in the appropriate section, it would help you immensely, since there are others with similar issues. I'm flagging your post so one of the moderators can move this for you.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?board=4.0

Journaling can put you in contact with those in the same boat as it were. It can be immensely helpful.

Good luck on your journey.

 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
You can definitely recover. You are in a good place to find help.
 
Hi Questions.  You could not have found a better place. The first step is to admit you are frightened (which you have) and the second step is to find help (you've found it!)
Slow down a bit and write about what is scaring you the most. What behavior or thought or emotion or physical/mental effect is creeping you out the most?
You are in a safe place now. Trust this place and the people here. Nothing you will say will be new to them. We're all in this together. Welcome home.
Now, please, start again...
 

Questions

Member
Thank you guys :) :)

Well, sometimes i find myself thinking, "What if I like girls??" And I freak the heck out, like seriously. What if I like girls and I dont even know it?  :'( I dont wanna be with girls...but still, what if its a subconscious thing? Or is it because my brain has become rewired to be turned on by lesbian porn?

Will I have this problem for the rest of my life?

Should I stay away from any sort of sexual activity with my bf?(We make out...a lot lol, but I wanna do more...)

I used to read erotica, and that would turn me on a lot, but I gotta remind myself that its not realistic...

And yes, my bf turns me on a lot lol...when I kiss him, or even think about kissing him, the most wonderful feeling just comes over me...its like this wave...it feels so good and just...beautiful(corny sounding, I know)

Im  so happy to have found this site! I wanna kick this problem once and for all, and im tired of failing!

My thing is, I can go a while without thinking about watching porn, but then I start to have these urges...I start to dream about it...then the urges become to strong that I give in. And I binge for days....what can I do to prevent that? Sometimes I watch when im bored, but most of the time im generally kinda horny and the urge becomes too strong and I dont know what to do..
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Questions said:
Thank you guys :) :)

Well, sometimes i find myself thinking, "What if I like girls??" And I freak the heck out, like seriously. What if I like girls and I dont even know it?  :'( I dont wanna be with girls...but still, what if its a subconscious thing? Or is it because my brain has become rewired to be turned on by lesbian porn?

Will I have this problem for the rest of my life?

Should I stay away from any sort of sexual activity with my bf?(We make out...a lot lol, but I wanna do more...)

I used to read erotica, and that would turn me on a lot, but I gotta remind myself that its not realistic...

And yes, my bf turns me on a lot lol...when I kiss him, or even think about kissing him, the most wonderful feeling just comes over me...its like this wave...it feels so good and just...beautiful(corny sounding, I know)

Im  so happy to have found this site! I wanna kick this problem once and for all, and im tired of failing!

My thing is, I can go a while without thinking about watching porn, but then I start to have these urges...I start to dream about it...then the urges become to strong that I give in. And I binge for days....what can I do to prevent that? Sometimes I watch when im bored, but most of the time im generally kinda horny and the urge becomes too strong and I dont know what to do..
If you feel great from just thinking about your BF then I wouldn't be concerned that you have an deeply buried desire for women. It's not at all unusual for porn addicts to feel a bit of ambiguity because porn messes with your arousal circuits. You can recover, all you have to do is stick with it. When you get the urge to look at porn or to masturbate just remind yourself that you can never find satisfaction in that. That has been my strategy and it seems to be doing the trick.

It's good that you are addressing this at an early age. Don't be ashamed, don't feel guilty, just resolve to do better and you will break free. I would suggest posting often, watch the videos at Your Brain on Porn and setup a counter so that you have one additional incentive not to indulge yourself "just one more time".
 

Questions

Member
Do you guys think I should tell my bf about this? And if I get married, should I tell my husband? I tend to worry that a man might find me weird/creepy/gross cus of what Im going through, and what i've watched in the past(its typically thought of as a mans problem) and couldn't possibly come to love me if they knew what I struggle with...

Im trying to take this all in stride. I say to myself, going through this can make me stronger, and if I have children and they stumble across porn, which they will, and they cant break free, I've be able to totally relate to them, and help them out any way I can, every freakin step of the way. Sometimes I wish I had someone to help me out with this in real life, but I have no one to talk to about it.  :-\

Oh, and the thing is, i've never masturbated to what ive watched ever...do you have to masturbate for that to affect your brain, or does just watching the stuff affect your brain?
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
First, I have to apologize for thinking you were a much younger dude.

Second, you mention specific sites, which may trigger others so try to keep that to a minimum in the future.

Good for you for avoiding P for 30 days. I know you have a lot of questions about the future. You are certainly full of life and seem to have a lot of questions. I have a few too.

I do have to ask how you were accessing these sites - pc or phone, at home or work/school? Who provided the access for you? Did you save any links, pics or videos? (yes or no, do not link) Did you delete these at the beginning of your 30 days? Have you ever been caught? What did you do to keep from being caught? Who would you least likely like to catch you doing this, if you were caught today? Why would you rather confess on the internet than be honest with that person?

It is one thing to speculate on what a future person might think it is another matter on looking at that honesty with someone today.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Have you read these? Your issues are very common among those who start out on highspeed internet porn.  :(

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/are-sexual-tastes-immutable

You probably won't be certain "who you are" sexually until months after you stop watching internet porn. Right now your brain is confused. It assumes that whatever is hottest is "it" and tries to get you to go back for more. Watch this video to understand better: http://yourbrainonporn.com/adolescent-brain-meets-highspeed-internet-porn

And you might find this interesting too: http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-problems-here-come-women
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
I wouldn't worry about this impeding your future life. All of us, everyone, has flaws and any decent person will take you as you are, as long as you're honest about it. I don't know how old you are, but I don't think that you are anywhere near the point that your future is ruined. You can get past this and it will be something in your past. Keep up the good work, remember that porn is not a treat, being free of porn is the reward. Go on with life and you'll be fine.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
That's good that you recognize that long term exposure to porn (especially of the high speed internet variety) is bad for you. And it's obvious that you see a pattern in the activity escalating.
This is a great forum to explore these issues since everyone on here have some.

To answer the question weather you should tell your b/f, the answer is no.
My reason is that I don't see what kind of betrayal you are putting him through.
Your love life is normal and I don't see how this affects him personally.

If any older adult would like to interject, I am open to an opposing viewpoint.
Maybe I'm wrong?

I say continue your recovery to being porn free and continue to be happy with your b/f.

 

Rainiegirl

Member
it sounds like you really need to let go of the shame. Holding in that feeling is what can make you go back to porn. Your brain will think you need to release stress and it will lead you back to whatever has worked in the past to do so. I know many girls that have used porn in the same way, so you are not strange, weird, or freaky in any way. I had a porn and masturbation addiction that I overcame years ago. I could only get turned on by rape porn. It was the only thing that would cause an intense enough reaction in me, and I was raped when I was 19 so that makes it worse. Once the brain becomes desencitized to the things you might feel ok about it will look for something that causes a greater reaction. This often will be things you wouldent normally like. I overcame my problem before I ever knew about porn addiction. My behavior bothered me so I quit the videos and read erotica (not any better but I didnt know about the brain science) I later gave up the books when I started a new relationship. The more time you can spend with another person the easier it is. All that cuddly, lovey, time you spend with your boyfriend will help rebalance your brain. Every time I got the urge to masturbate I would think of my boyfriend and how much I cared for him. It felt like cheating to go anywhere other than to him for any kind of gratification. Now I cant imagine using a video or a book (or my old, twisted imagination) because just a hug from him in the morning feels so much better than empty gratification.
 

kaybee

Active Member
Hi Questions, I'm so glad you posted on my journal so I could read yours!
I relate a lot to your story. I went through a lot of the same things as you at a young age, and I'm experiencing some of the same problems now. I kind of skirt around this subject in my journal because it embarrasses me, but I also watched lesbian porn. I have always been attracted to men, and never wanted to have a relationship with a woman. The thought of me having a romantic relationship with a woman does absolutely nothing for me. And yet, I still find myself 'checking out' girls. Earlier today a woman walked by in very tight jeans and I stared. I know that this isn't a natural sexual orientation for me, because before the age of 14 or so when I started watching lesbian porn, I never even thought about girls.  I think that the reason I started watching lesbian porn was because I was so used to seeing women as the focal point of porn anyways. Even in straight porn, you barely ever get to see the man's face. I found that really disturbing and disconnected. I also wanted to compare my body to their bodies to see how I measured up. That ended up turning into female solo videos and lesbian porn. I've even had some dreaming or fantasies in which I am the man, doing things to women. These always confuse me. What I'm trying to say is, don't feel like you're the only one that this has happened to. You're not alone. It just shows you how very, very destructive porn can be. You are literally another person when you are addicted to porn. Instead of worrying about your sexuality or what to tell your boyfriend, just focus on kicking porn. The further you get from porn, the further you will get from what I'll call "acquired lesbianism".  And the further you'll get from "I feel like im carrying this gross secret...and I am. I am I am I am!"  I know what that's like, and it's horrible.
About telling your boyfriend...
How long have you been dating?
Do you trust that he wouldn't spread the secret if you broke up?
Having someone to tell this secret to could be very good for you. It sounds like you have a lot of shame, and if it's out in the air it might lessen it. On the other hand, he's just a young guy too. You can't expect him to know how to deal with all of this. If you do tell him about your addiction and your confusion, make sure that you are calm when you tell him. Explain that this is something you consider to be very serious, and that you are trying to get past it. Make sure he knows that you are very attracted to him and you love his hugs and kisses. I also would worry less about him being disgusted, and more about him being aroused and trying to encourage it. In my experience, a lot of guys have fantasies of dating a lesbian. Make sure that he respects your feelings of heterosexuality. And then give him some time to think about it. He might not be able to handle it, but if he can't, then you have to be prepared for that. Porn addiction is going to be an ongoing struggle in your life, and you need to set yourself up to be in the best position to beat it. Don't ever think that you can't stop, because you can. You've already gone 30 days and that is amazing! That's a lot better than most people who are just starting out! I think that you have the self awareness and the will power to do this. Don't worry about the symptoms (thinking about girls) just focus on curing the disease (porn addiction).
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
I will add that the benefits of stopping continue to add up. I had broken the addiction fairly quickly, but the errant thoughts didn't go away completely until roughly the one year mark.
 

lilnavadaa

Member
Wow.. first thank you so solo much for sharing your story I never truly thought girls could become addicted to this. Now you know the struggle a lot of guys go through. I'm sorry I don't have much advice because I'm struggling to beat this addiction and with my situation ..its very hard. If you can.. get rid of any access to porn. Cut it away from you add a blocker type thing but one thing is a must.. never EVER give up its gonna be almost two years since I've Ade it my life mission to kick this addiction..and I keep relapsing still.. but I'm never gonna quit because once we finally beat this..life becomes ..life again ..beautiful. but seriously thanks for sharing I thought this was only a guy problem ..so sorry you got trapped with us but we will make it out and soon.. and honestly idk if its good to tell anyone .. telling my father completely ruined our relationship and we were close.. I'm trying to make things better between us but its not the same anymore.. maybe Ur people will understand ..maybe they won't ....maybe try asking them questions related to it or something like close to see what they think about it and you'll have a better idea of what they'll say/do
Also I'm really Christian so this porn addiction puts soooooooooooo much shame and guilt feelings of complete worthlessness ..you are not alone we understand here.. stay strong ..

Good luck sister

Remember NEVER give up no matter how hard or how long this takes ..the light is at the end of the tunnel
 

Questions

Member
lilnavadaa said:
Wow.. first thank you so solo much for sharing your story I never truly thought girls could become addicted to this. Now you know the struggle a lot of guys go through. I'm sorry I don't have much advice because I'm struggling to beat this addiction and with my situation ..its very hard. If you can.. get rid of any access to porn. Cut it away from you add a blocker type thing but one thing is a must.. never EVER give up its gonna be almost two years since I've Ade it my life mission to kick this addiction..and I keep relapsing still.. but I'm never gonna quit because once we finally beat this..life becomes ..life again ..beautiful. but seriously thanks for sharing I thought this was only a guy problem ..so sorry you got trapped with us but we will make it out and soon.. and honestly idk if its good to tell anyone .. telling my father completely ruined our relationship and we were close.. I'm trying to make things better between us but its not the same anymore.. maybe Ur people will understand ..maybe they won't ....maybe try asking them questions related to it or something like close to see what they think about it and you'll have a better idea of what they'll say/do
Also I'm really Christian so this porn addiction puts soooooooooooo much shame and guilt feelings of complete worthlessness ..you are not alone we understand here.. stay strong ..

Good luck sister

Remember NEVER give up no matter how hard or how long this takes ..the light is at the end of the tunnel

Im christian too, I know how you feel...have you ever tried explaining the science behind porn addiction to your family? That may help them understand better...

Why has it ruined the relationship between your father, if I may ask?

Btw guys, I haven't watched anything in a while...I wanna keep this up..!! ;)
 

Philonous

Member
I'm an adult male. I just want to second what Rainiegirl said: Let go of the shame. It's not going to help you in any way, and it can definitely hurt you. I'm not saying there aren't things one ought to be ashamed of-- only that what you've experienced isn't among them. You're a good person regardless.
 
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